Weddingbee Blog

Even in our forward-thinking twenty-first century society, most people assume that when a man and woman get married, the wife will take her husband’s last name. At least in the United States. Many couples simply don’t want to break with such a long-standing tradition, while others cherish the idea of sharing a last name, especially if they ever plan on having children.

Image via Post and Courier

Mr. Parasol and I have spent a lot of time talking through what we want to do about our last-name situation after we get married, and we finally came up with a solution that we’re both happy with: we’ll both be taking each other’s last names so that our new (and improved) last name will be “my last name-Mr. Parasol’s last name” or “L-J.”

Although I could get into all the debates surrounding why women and/or men should or shouldn’t change their names when they get married, I really don’t want to discuss that here. Instead, I want to elaborate on why Mr. Parasol and I ultimately came to this decision for ourselves.

In the first place, we decided that any argument that could be used for why I should change my last name could apply to Mr. Parasol as well. If we both want to have the same last name, if we want to celebrate and symbolize our marriage through a shared last name, if we want our future kids to have the same last name as both of us, if we want everyone else to address us by the same last name…well, we could just as easily use my last name as his in any of these situations. We definitely want to have one last name for our new family, but neither of us thought it was really fair for one of us to simply give up our last name.

We also know that the process of changing your name is difficult and often hard, both legally and personally. Neither of us wanted the other to go through this process alone, so we decided to go through it together.

Furthermore, our family names are an important part of both of our identities. These are the names our parents gave to us, the names we have grown up with, the names on our college and graduate-school degrees, the names we’ve gone by professionally. Our last names help to make up who we are, and as such, it is unthinkable for either of us to simply give up our last name. I’ve had my name for 25 years, and the thought of simply swapping my last name for Mr. Parasol’s makes me feel like I would be losing a significant part of myself. Talk about an identity crisis.

Both of our names also symbolize our family histories. Each of these histories is unique and different (Mr. Parasol’s last name is actually quite new, as his grandfather changed it during World War II), and neither of us wanted to give up these histories. We also like the idea of preserving our connections to our families. To me, the idea of giving up my last name feels like I am leaving my family and simply becoming part of Mr. Parasol’s family. In reality, we’re both becoming a part of each other’s families, and we want our new last names to symbolize this union.

And on a purely aesthetic and (kind of) superficial level, our combined last name opens up a whole realm of possibilities for the future Parasol kiddos’ first names. Mr. Parasol really likes J names, even though his last name also starts with a J. Perhaps it’s the English major in him that loves the alliteration, or the fact that he himself is a JJ. I, on the other hand, do not like alliteration; there’s already quite a bit of it on both sides of our families, and I want to branch out from that. But after we decided to combine both of our last names, and since mine will come first, J names are back on the table, and Mr. Parasol is in heaven.

In the end, the decision for both of us to take each other’s last names was really a no-brainer. In marriage, two individuals come together as one, each bringing who they are, and become united with each other to create their own family. With this in mind, it seems contradictory to us for Mr. Parasol to keep his last name and me to change mine, almost like I am simply becoming part of who he is. But he is also becoming a part of me, and my last name, much like his, is a gift I can give to him to symbolize our coming together in marriage. And that’s how we choose to see our last names, as a precious gift that we can give to one other and share together.

Obviously this decision is not for everyone, and we know that some people will not understand or agree with our choice. I’m also prepared for all the people who will probably address me just by Mr. Parasol’s last name anyway. But ultimately, we’re completely at peace with our decision, and I look forward to the day that we will change our names together.

Are you and/or your significant other changing your last names when you get married? How did you decide whether or not to change your last names?