Weddingbee Blog

It’s been one year of confusion, bees. A year ago today, Mr. Funnel Cake and I spent two minutes signing a paper that legally joined us, and since that day, we haven’t quite known how to refer to each other.

(Personal photo)

A long time ago, when I first started learning German with Rosetta Stone, I wanted to impress Mr. Funnel Cake and tell him he was my man auf Deutsch. So in a Skype date I cheerily said, “Du bist mein Mann!”

Mr. Funnel Cake gaped at me. Crap. What did I do??

I frantically asked him what I had said, and he explained that I had just said he was my husband. Oh shit! Noooo, I didn’t mean that. I told him I just wanted to say “Hey, you’re my man.” You know. Mine.

German doesn’t work like that though. When you date, you are “friends” and refer to each other as “Freund” and “Freundin.” Friends—or colleagues—are usually referred to as “Kollege” and “Kollegin” in Switzerland. Nobody really uses the term for being engaged, although a word for that does exist. You generally remain “friends” until you get married and become “Mann und Frau.” And sadly, there is simply no cute translation to tell a guy he’s “your man.” Rats.

Further confusion lies in the word “Frau.” Frau means woman, wife and it also means “Ms” or “Mrs.” In German, there is no “Miss Funnel Cake” and “Mrs. Funnel Cake.” I am simply referred to as “Frau Funnel Cake” all the time.

I had decided a long time ago that I would take Mr. Funnel Cake’s name because it’s 1000X more awesome than my maiden name, which I was always teased about in the past. When we got married civilly, it would have been a PIA to change my name later and I was eager to make the change, so I followed all the normal name-change processes when making my new residence documents and took my new name with overwhelming pride. Now I am actually Frau Funnel Cake all the time (Mrs. Funnel Cake) and it’s not going to change after the wedding.

I’ve already got my new US passport, American social security card, Swiss tax ID card, Swiss social insurances card, Swiss bank cards, Swiss driving license, and health insurance card with my new Frau Funnel Cake name. In fact, the only place my maiden name is left are my US bank accounts, driver’s license and a pesky frequent flyer card from Lufthansa that demands I send them my marriage certificate to prove my name change. But shh, keep it quiet.

Here’s the tricky part. I have NOT become Mrs. Funnel Cake to my family yet. My name hasn’t changed on my Facebook or email and all of my American friends still refer to me as Miss Fräulein. The only email I changed to Frau Funnel Cake was my personal website and LinkedIn name that I used when applying for jobs here. (Because you can’t apply for jobs with your old maiden name and keep pretending you’re not married!)

With Americans, Mr. Funnel Cake and I refer to each other as fiancée and fiancé. But sometimes using the word fiancé feels a bit like bragging, “I’m getting married!!!” so we just stick with boyfriend and girlfriend.

In Switzerland, it’s more complicated depending who we are talking to and in what language. In German, it’s honestly easier to just call Mr. Funnel Cake “mein Mann” instead of messing with the strange “Freund” terms. Around Mr. FC’s parents and friends, we generally refer to each other as husband and wife (Mann und Frau) because they all know we are married and would think it’s weird if we call each other otherwise at this point.

At work, Mr. Funnel Cake refers to me as his girlfriend, or if he’s speaking in English he says fiancée. I usually refer to Mr. FC as my fiancé at work, but sometimes I slip and call him either my husband or boyfriend. It’s honestly very confusing. At home, we use a mixture of boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife depending on what the topic and nature of conversation is. Lighthearted topics and gestures are generally labeled bf/gf and when it matters, we pull out the husband/wife card.

The terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” seem a little derogatory in lieu of our legal commitment, but at the same time it feels inappropriate when we say “husband” and “wife” before we’ve been married. Some people scoff when I say this, and remind me that we are, in fact, legally married. Which I know. Thanks for the reminder. But in our hearts, we are still waiting to be married in October in a union stronger than law. A sacrament where we make a promise to each other and are joined in a way that cannot be encompassed by a piece of paper. It is this marriage that we look forward to, which afterward I will joyously tell Mr. Funnel Cake, “Du bist mein Mann!”

Did you have a hard time adjusting to what you call your significant other?