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Bees, this is something that I had never put two seconds of thought into, and never thought I would have to. My mom came to me the other night and talked to me about the idea of signing a prenup with Mr. PF. Her reasoning is totally rational and I totally get it. My parents own a lot of property and rental buildings, and they want to make sure that if anything were to happen between Mr. PF and me, my assets would be protected.
I have always been one of those people who would say, “Why even get married if you are signing a piece of paper for when it all goes wrong?” And now, I am stuck in a situation where I am faced with this question myself. So after talking with Mom about it, I may have told her I would talk to Mr. PF about it soon.
Image credit: Hanna-Barbera/Warner Brothers
That’s right. Ruh roh.
How do I ask Mr. PF to sign something that states who will get what if something goes wrong between us? I honestly don’t know how he is going to take this suggestion. I don’t know if he will get offended or upset, or maybe he won’t care at all! In my heart of hearts, I am marrying Mr. PF because I love him and I would hope that we would be together forever. In the real world, I know things can go wrong.
So bees, I am coming to you with the hope that someone can give me some awesome advice as to how I should handle this situation. Have you ever had to deal with talking about a prenup? How did you handle it?
Signing a prenup or talking about divorce does not mean you don’t have faith in your relationship. And avoiding the conversation doesn’t mean you have more faith. It means that you have enough faith in your relationship that you can talk about the difficult, messy, uncomfortable topics.
You can acknowledge that people and relationships change and if that happens you want to be able to grow emotionally and spiritually through the process, focusing on what is best for you (and your kids). During that time of stress, you don’t want to have to worry about your financial well-being.
Talking about it can also lead to discussions of what are you willing to do to make sure we don’t end up divorced.
I think a pre-nup is a good idea. I feel you should split 50/50 everything aquired/earned DURING THE MARRIAGE… and money, property, or expected inheritance before the wedding should NOT be touched. I would sign a pre-nup if I was marrying a man with money. In my case I am the one with the home already and my finace has agreed to keep the home in my name only and should we not work out… he walks away without a portion of my homes value.
Fi and I actually just had this talk. We’re in the same situation. I didn’t know how to bring it up and frankly I didn’t want to. I didn’t know how he would react, but he handled it a lot better than I thought he would. He said at first that he would be upset with me for some time before he could get over it completely but eventually said he loves me and would do anything for me so he’d sign it. 
*whew*
Sorry, but I’m going to disagree with the previous posters. I’m one of those people who thinks that prenups are just setting yourself up for failure. The fact that you just “hope” you will be together always shows that you don’t have complete faith in the relationship. I don’t think people should get married if they’re already planning for the divorce. If you’re already planning the divorce, it’s a doomed marriage. I know that sounds mean, but it’s my honest opinion.
Just as an FYI, in Texas, under community property law, everything that was yours before the marriage or that you get through gift, devise, or descent (basically, gifts to you alone or inheritance) is separate property. However, anything you acquire after the marraige, including income from your separate property, is community property. Just something your parents might want to think about if all of the assets are still in their names because how they convey that to you makes a big difference legally.
Fi’s dad wanted us to get a prenump if he gave fi his property. It kind of upset me for like 20 minutes, but I understood. I think he changed his mind though because he didn’t have me sign one. I would have signed, though.
I totally get why prenups are an emotionally charged issue. Just know that there is no kind of black and white, right or wrong decision here. You’re dealing all in shades of gray. No absolutes, okay?
Mr. PF loves you. Just approach him honestly and tell him it’s something your parents are concerned about. Tell him just what you told us… that you don’t really think it’s necessary and that you love him.
I think the most important point here is that the assets under the prenup are not yours at the moment. They belong to your parents. So this request is not coming from you, but from them. Just be sensitive and open, and I’m sure you two can deal with this rationally.
Like I said, no right and wrong here though, okay? This is all shades of gray. *hugs*
i never had to deal with it because DH and i never bothered with it. Also, we are both grad students with nothing to lose but student loans! However, i did think about it once (and even told DH before we got married) that while i would not bother wasting my time or energy looking into preparing one, if he came to me and wanted me to sign one, i would “agree to sign the piece of paper that will now collect dust for the rest of our lives” and then make no issue of it. Because i do not see the point in making a point about something pointless!
In your case, i think you have two options. Either tell your mother you don’t believe it and will not be preparing one, end of story. Or second, tell your FI you are thinking about doing it to appease your mother and acknowledge that its just a piece of paper that will now collect dust for the rest of your lives, nothing less, nothing more.
There’s no reason to have a prenup, unless you specifically have the properties already or large sums of money. Like the previous poster anything you aquire during the marriage with be split. You can’t prenup future earnings or property. My husband will aquire a large sum of money in the future, but there’s no way to “safeguard” against that because it’s not technically his. BTW, I’m not against prenups and it totally protects people. It has nothing to do with going into a marriage and already expecting to get a divorce. Life happens.
I would actually talk to a lawyer. I’m an attorney barred in CA and prenups can be really helpful or really pointless. If you have a lot of money personally and your fiance doesn’t, it may be a good idea. However, as a previous comment pointed out - anything you inherit from your parents is considered your own seperate property in most states and would not be subject to property division at divorce. It may not be worth the hassle in your situation or worth upsetting your spouse. Maybe have your mom consult their lawyer about it before you talk to your finace about it. If your parent’s attorney thinks their property is not at risk in any way, why mess with a prenup?
I’m likely going to be signing one due to FI’s assets. I honestly don’t mind. If the roles were reversed I’d want him to sign one. When we talked about it he mentioned how he felt like he could trust me. But I told him that while I can’t see myself ever being a huge B that I couldn’t tell him what things would be like 10 years from now. Maybe he would be a jerk or I’d be a jerk and we wouldn’t be able to amicably deal with things. This to me puts something in place so that if the worst does happen, we’re both protected.
But to bring it up, I’d just mention that your parents brought it up and you’re not sure what to think and see what he says.
Luckily (or quite frankly…unluckily) Mr. P and & have barely anything to our names that would need a prenup. But, your mom has a point. I would totally bring it to him as “my mom is trying to protect her businessess….” Even if he gets upset I’m sure he’ll understand it’s not coming from a bad place (or you, really). Goodluck and let us know how it goes!
I’m a lawyer, and we have one. I think it makes good sense– and I never plan on getting divorced at all! My FI had this attitude: it isn’t his money, so he doesn’t care! And it’s true. I also presented it as, my parents wanted this, they gave the money, so it is their string, and he was fine with that. I certainly wasn’t going to fight them over this, as their generosity made many things possible!
My fiance’s mom is having me sign a prenup because they own a business and technically my fiance is a part owner, along with his siblings. She wants all of her future daughters/sons in law to sign one. I think it’s a reasonable request when the parents are asking just to protect a family business (it is, after all, what they have spent their entire lives together developing, and i’ve only known them a few years). My advice is this: each of you should have an independent lawyer to write/look over the doc, and make sure that it only covers that one, specific thing (a business, rental property, whatever), if that is the reason you are doing it.
I agree with @KMA - I’d talk to a lawyer just to see if it’s even worth bringing it up. And if it is, being honest about how it came up and why your parents are concerned, might help. I totally disagree that it’s setting you up for divorce. Do we expect to get divorced? No. Do we want to regret anything if that DOES happen? No. Maybe this is a weird analogy, but I have health insurance not because I expect to get cancer or have a trauma, but if I do, I want to be protected.
Like @Mrs. Lox: said, there’s no black and white here. You have to do what’s best for BOTH of you - including you.
I lucked out in that my fiance is totally cool with a pre-nup. I guess I can see why some people don’t like it and assume this means our marriage is “doomed,” although I think it’s kind of mean.
Just a note as to what several people have commented about inheritance assets acquired during the marriage being individual, not marital, assets.
I am in a similar situation, my parents would like me to sign a pre-nup due to what I stand to inherit from them some day (hopefully very far away!). FI is an attorney so I discussed the situation with him. While inheritances are considered personal when received, at least in my state (Michigan) if they are ever co-mingled or if your husband is ever benefitted by them he would have a right to them. So our approach was, instead of a prenup, for me to educate myself on how to keep inheritances separate and therefore non marital assets. I discussed this with my parents and they are comfortable with it. Our approach will be to make a decision at the time of receipt if there is anything substantial we’d like to do (buy a cottage, etc) and then contribute the remaining inheritance to a Trust for our children (or future children), this will protect the money.
However, I just wanted people to know that while yes inheritances are “safe” on day one, there are plenty of things that can change that. Example, day 1 receive money. Day 2, deposit money into joint account - boom marital asset. Or day 2, buy a family boat which your husband enjoys, boom you have made it a grey area and potentially the whole inheritance a marital asset because husband was “given access to” the inheritance asset.
I hope this all make sense. Basically just trying to convey that there are ways other than pre-nups to safeguard yourself!
DH & I have one. I think it was the smart thing to do. He had a lot of assets before we were married that he worked very hard for. I respected his request. My only advise is to do this sooner rather than later. We put it off until a month before the wedding and it got kind of emotional, and way too technical to negotiate weeks before you walk down the aisle.
Be prepared to discuss not only property, bank accounts, etc, but your lawyer is going to talk about a lot of other things that I didn’t expect like potential spousal support, jewelry, gifts recieved, etc. Also, get a good lawyer who is nice, more of an estate lawyer and not one who you can tell does a lot of divorces :(. My lawyer thought I was giving too much away during the negotiations, which just stressed me out even more before walking down the aisle.
Anyway, I’m glad we have it. I don’t really think about it much but if asked I’m always a proponent of one. I have a friend who it was suggested to as she has a lot of her own money and a business. She did not want one, was crazy in love, etc. Now, years later, things are not pretty and she is majorly stressed feeling financially trapped in a bad relationship.
I say, it is good insurance. Not romantic, but smart.
My fiance and I plan to do a prenup (I didn’t have to bring it up, it’s just something we both felt we wanted). Looks like already gotten some sound advice but let me chime in with an analogy I read somewhere: you don’t plan to get into a car accident but you’d still wear a seatbelt, right? Just like you don’t plan to get divorce but sometimes bad things happen and you want to be protected for the unexpected.
Talk to him about your parents being uncomfortable with you getting married without that kind of safety. Don’t ask him for it, ask him what he thinks about it but don’t try to settle it in just one conversation, especially if he’s upset about it.
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Miss Petit Four, San Antonio/Isla Mujeres Age and Occupation: 25, Technology teacher Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Math Teacher and Football Coach Engagement Date: Feb 13, 2010 Wedding Date: March 2012 Venue: Zama Beach Club, Isla Mujeres, Mexico About Me: I am a polka-dot obsessed, destination wedding diva living and loving in the great state of Texas. I am an island girl at heart and I visit the beach as often as I can. I am a wannabe DIY goddess, but that doesn’t mean I won’t give it my best shot. I love pearl earrings, the color pink, and ruffles are a part of my everyday wardrobe. My wonderful fiance and I are planning a destination wedding with our closest family and friends and we’re leaving a trail of glitter in our path!
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