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Maybe you know the story: Your best friend is getting married and excitedly asks for your help planning her dream wedding. You pull out all the stops with a surprise bachelorette party, multiple wedding showers, expensive wedding gifts, and you happily buy a bridesmaid ensemble even though you’ll never wear the shoes or dress again.
Fast-forward a few years and now you’re engaged. It’s your turn to navigate planning the largest event of your life and you expect hope that you’ll have help from your married friend.
Guess who doesn’t have the time of day?
That’s right, this post is addressing the disappointment in fair-weather, flaky friends and relatives who enjoyed your help for their wedding and then contributed zilch to your special day.
Mr. Anonymous and I have both helped out with a fair amount of weddings by now, even back in our college years when neither of us had much cash. When we finally got married ourselves, we had anticipated we would enjoy all the usual benefits surrounding weddings.
Looking back, I can’t help but feel let down by some friends and family, not only for myself but for Mr. Anonymous, too.
Mr. A practically planned his best friend’s wedding and was even promised a bachelor party from him, but it never happened. Slowly, the weeks and months slipped by and his best friend never called or wrote to ask about which dates could work. Our wedding was forgotten.
I think about all the money we put into parties and gifts for other brides and grooms-to-be and I feel a little bitter. I wanted to make their engagements and weddings special and they couldn’t be bothered to do the same for us.
When I get a little down about this, I remind myself that the only thing that really mattered was that I married Mr. Anonymous and that he is always there for me. Nothing else is as important, but if I could have a do-over maybe I wouldn’t have stayed up all night completing tasks for my former bride friends. Because really, what was the point?
This is not to say we didn’t get any help planning the wedding from our family, but in our case, the friend department was certainly lacking. It felt a bit like Mr. Anonymous and I didn’t have any friends at all at times.
Did you have any disappointment when it came to help from friends and family?
I think that we all go through this at one time or another. Even if you hadn’t helped so much with someone else’s wedding, there is that moment that hits when you think “hey, what happened to everyone that was so excited to help when we first got engaged?” It doesn’t matter if it’s a dress fitting or bridal shower or bachelor party or invitation assembly, there is a moment in the planning of every wedding when suddenly all those offers to help vanish. So glad you mentioned this!
my M.O.H.(who is not married/engaged) did basically NOTHING to help me. she did plan my bachelorette party, and it almost felt as if that was her only job in her mind(which is funny considering i didn’t even want one!). she refused to try on bridesmaids dresses, said she would just go with everyone else. for my shower she did nothing. did offer to come early to help set up, she didn’t even come over the days before to help put together the favors. said she was too busy with her boyfriend. when it came closer i asked if she could help with a few last minute things, she said she needed to know ASAP when, because ‘her schedule was filling up’ and didn’t know if she’d have time. gee thanks! i understand it’s my wedding, and no one is gonna be as excited/gung-ho as i was, but some help would have been nice.
I, unfortunately, also had some fair-weather friends along for my wedding ride. I can’t say that I was highly involved in any of their weddings prior to mine, although not for trying (my best friend decided to not really involve anyone in her wedding planning and I wasn’t present when she married her husband, much to my dismay).
My bachelorette activities consisted of being asked where I wanted to go for a night out in Boston and which bars I wanted to go to, since no one else wanted to choose. My immediate bridesmaids were the only people to come, because they only remembered to invite my other girlfriends a day before the party. I wanted the night to feel special, so I bought little gift bags for everyone (including myself) with small accoutrements I’d seen other bridesmaids use before. The night didn’t end up feeling very special, to say the least.
Our wedding was a weekend-long event during which our friends and families hung out on a large farm just lounging and enjoying ourselves. My bridesmaids and their significant others decided to head off and do their own things for the day after the wedding, instead of staying to be with me. I know it may sound petty - but it hurt at the time.
I’m fortunate to have a wonderful husband and the knowledge that my friends do love me - even if they’re not the best at planning things.
I feel like you read my mind! I’ve tried to include my friends and bridesmaids every step of the way, only to be disappointed time and time again, by one friend specifically. I know my wedding isn’t the most important event to everyone, but you’re close to me and I asked you to be a part of my day for a reason. I don’t think asking friends to find a few hours to participate in events such as shopping and the like is out of line. Especially when I’m considerate of everyone’s schedules in the first place and always give more than enough notice. *Sigh*
I’m actually getting married about 10 years after most of my friends did, almost all of them have at least 2 children. I can barely ever get them on the phone or email - I knew that at this point in my life, I just had to keep things simple. I’m only having my sister as an attendant - she has no kids. It saddens me that my friends won’t be involved in all of the preparations, but realistically I can’t rely on them to help out. So, I didn’t even involve them because I didn’t want to get stressed about it. I don’t think it’s personal, really - I think the fair weather friends just don’t realize how they are making you feel.
I have organized countless bridal showers and bachelorette parties…I’m pretty sure that I’ll be organizing these for myself now and hounding people to take some time to themselves to get out and party! Hopefully my plan works!
I unfortunately know all about this. A friend who got married and even though she and I hadn’t been that close over the last 3 years I excitedly accepted her offer to be the bridesmaid (which later changed to MOH). I paid and helped planned the bridal shower spending money with no thought of getting it back because it was for my friend. I bought I dress and shoes that I absolutely hated and didn’t complain about the price tag. I even made sure that I got my hair exactly the way that she wanted. I even drove down to the city she lived in to help put together invitations like I didn’t just come from work or go in early the next morning because that is what friends are for.
When it was my turn. I got no phone calls, most of my request for help went unanswered including when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. She didn’t try to help or even show up at my bridal shower. Not even so much as a sorry card for not coming. The icing on the cake is when she came to the wedding and sat at the table and compared our weddings and claimed that we spent WAAAAAY more money then they did.
It hurt but it is a lesson learned.
This is so true. Most of my married friends who I was there for now have children and are “too busy” to help me. Part of me thinks they have a legitimate point- babies are more time consuming then my invitations. However, it still hurts my feelings. Plus I am at an age that 70% of my ladies are married and the rest are single and sort of not as into weddings as I am. The singles treat me and my wedding as the enemy and the marrieds treat it a frivilous. If I had gotten married in my mid-twenties maybe it wouldn’t have been like this but I am in my early 30’s and it feels like I am on a limb by myself.
I hear you!
A ‘good’ friend of mine got married and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I lived in a different state so I had to buy a plane ticket for both the bridal shower and the actual wedding. I took 3 days off of work. I paid for a rental car twice. I bought a $260 TANGERINE dress that I will never, ever wear again (I am pale w/ blonde hair)… and 2 years later she doesn’t even make an attempt to ATTEND my wedding, let alone help with anything or attend any of the other functions.
I don’t talk to her much anymore…
UGH! The kicker is that my MOH was engaged a year ago (though, un/fortunately it didn’t pan out) and we had a flurry of emails for her engagement and tons of commenting and excitement. It’s incredibly frustrating when you receive none in return… Some people are horrible at being a long-distance-friend, and though it’s usually easy to work with this, at such an important time in my life I do wish they would man-up.
THIS. God. My best friend got engaged, and I literally spent every single day for over a year talking about her wedding. She was disappointed about her bachelorette party, her bridal party, whatever. Nothing we did was good enough, regardless of the fact that I live across the country and we all had limited budgets.
I get engaged, and what happens? She is unenthusiastic, jealous, snappy, critical. She is constantly talking about how her feelings are hurt because I’m not doing enough to make her feel like she’s sharing my special time with me, and i am at the end of my rope. I can’t talk to her about this, because she’ll get uber offended (no matter what i say or how i say it), and tell me not to be so defensive.
It feels good to get this off of my chest. I am frustrated and stressed and I don’t even expect her to go above and beyond for me- I just want to not have to baby her and take care of her anymore.
OMG!!
so glad someone else is experiencing the same thing i am. After my MOH (and only attendant) gave me excuses about why she hadn’t gotten a dress, i took a long look, and realized how unsupportative she had been. Since we have not spoken, barely even facebook friends.
at 20 days before my wedding, i have replaced her with two cousins (sisters). all the little details have gone away. yeah i’m kinda dissappointed about not getting EVERY LITTLE THING i dreamt about. but my stress level has soooo decreased. this weekend, at 3 weeks before my wedding, they hosted a shower for me at one of their houses. it wasn’t at a large venue, there wasn’t piles of gifts, but it was fun and i knew all those there really wanted to be a part and were excited for me.
i realized the details will not make a difference in 20, 10, 5 or even 1 year. no one will notice that i had the $40 shoes instead of the $300 ones i wanted. they will remember that i finally found my prince, and my dog was the ring barer, and the only detail i’m stressing about is to have fun and enjoy the day.
I am dealing with this a lot right now. I always plan things and go all out for my friends. I am also willing to help them with ANYTHING they need. However, it seems to be just me and my family doing everything regarding my wedding. I couldn’t even get any help stuffing invitations…
I’m experiencing some of the same issues, and I think for me it’s just that people and our relationships have changed. I have friends that I barely speak to anymore, or they’ve moved cross country. I also feel like fall is the new May/June for weddings…we have a lot of timing conflicts.
The big problem I’m experiencing is a lack of participation from my family. I had my shower this last weekend and no-one from my side of the family came…it was pretty upsetting!
I also find myself checking my excitement at the door when I talk to these people. They are over all of it and don’t respond in kind to my enthusiasm. These are the same people I listen to for hours talking about all their joys- their weddings, babies, etc.
I think there is often a real mismatch in people’s perceptions of how much effort they put into other peoples’ affairs.
For example, when I was MOH once I felt like my friend wouldn’t LET me do anything. One area I could own was the bachelorette aprty and I threw her a big party which took a lot of time and cost lots when I didnt have much. I also spent lots on engagement, shower, bachelorette, and wedding presents, attire, hotels, etc. That year when she got married almost all my spending money was dedicated to her celebration! It was hard. And then at the end I was told that she was disappointed in me. 
I wish I knew what her expectations were. I felt like I did so much! Makes me very sad.
I recently got married and during the planning phase there was very little support or even interest! People have such strong feelings about weddings and many of them are so negative–they think couples are tacky, greedy present-mongers and overconsuming narcissists. I see that too sometimes…..but that isn’t me so I wish they could have backed me more and been more happy for me. I think I was clear about my expectations from my party (pretty minimal) but there was no direction I could give on overall moral support and well-wishes… I do know that my MOH did her best so I just have to let it be what it was……
I had a hard time getting myself back in wedding mode after our wedding. I pushed myself though to be able to give my friends the best experience possible.
I’m so sorry your friends were a dissapointment. It sucks… big time.
Encountered this a lot. Even afterwards, they say “let’s see pictures” and I can hear the insincerity in a lot of their voices and disinterest when I do show them. And as for disinterest, my sister who couldn’t make it to the wedding, never called and wished me luck or spoke to me even before the wedding. I get back, still nothing. So I tell her how much this hurts me, and all I get is “oh, I didn’t realize this was important to you”. ARGH, sorry to vent. I would have loved to see her reaction if I pulled this on her when she got married years ago.
I’m going through the same thing right now. The only thing is it wasn’t her wedding I helped her with but her baby planning.
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