Weddingbee Blog

Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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How do you balance your relationship, job, family while making time to do things you love? Any tips for overstressed hive members?

The quest for me time—important to an only child like me!—is an interesting struggle. It’s a melding of personal time and dorky self-amusement that only children are pretty good at. My husband and I work together, we run a website together on the side, and we socialize a fair bit together in a combination of networking and plain-ol’ social drinkups and dinners. And we’re part of the same two families now, lest we forget, and we have to share a bed, a household, and a budget.

Here’s how I do it alone (ha), at least:

I let myself get lost in my job for several points on any given day. For example, I write and edit for a living, so I like to find the funniest self-amusing thing I wrote or edited that day. It being self-LOL, I don’t expect anyone else to find it funny, and I don’t really share these things with anyone. It’s prime Me Time, in my head. Just get into the zone doing whatever you do, and you’ll find yourself having a lot of fun, on your very own, along the way.

I send personal emails. I’m not really an all-day IM sort of girl, so taking a minute to send a message and then spending a minute to read a fun response hours later can really make my day. Those moments are just for me and the friend I’m emailing. And it always feels special somehow.

Drink alone (not like that). Sitting alone at home or in another room with the dog and a glass of wine—or whatever you want to drink, even if it’s water—is amazing soul tonic. I love to chat/gossip/commisserate/bicker with him, but I don’t feel the need to spend all evening jabbering when we’re at home together.

“Me time” is so important! Before we got engaged I used to set aside 1 Saturday a month that I devoted to me. My friends and loved ones knew that once I schedule a Mrs Pretzel Day that meant I wasn’t available. From 8AM-6PM my phone was off and I was incommunicado. I went for drives, prayed, read, reflected, and enjoyed the outdoors. The time by myself was so important. Being married and living together has been an adjustment. We work for the same company, carpool to work, and spend a lot of our free time working togethr on projects. The “me” time has fallen by the wayside. Mr P is especially bad about carving out time for himself. We’ve discussed this lately and I think the “me Saturday” is going to come back here soon. Putting it on the calendar us the first step!

When you mentioned “over-stressed,” I knew I definitely that to contribute. Mr. MJ and I are both working full time, and also both in grad school full time. This means that unfortunately, neither of us has a lot of time for much of anything else. Understanding and patience has been SO important, for both of us. When one of us has some free time, we try to pick up slack for the other person. (This could be putting in a load of laundry, making that person a meal, or going to a family event solo instead of as a pair.) We also try to recognize that if free time comes along, we might each have something *other* that each other in mind to spend it on. And we rarely—or never—demand that one person spend their precious time doing something with the other. (For example, if Mr. N had a free afternoon, I would never insist that he help me with a house project—that is not his idea of a relaxing time!)

My advice is to remember that you’re in this life together, but a united front doesn’t always mean everything has to be done together. If you both respect each others’ hobbies, time and goals, you’ll both be a lot happier than you’ll be by trying to control and micromanage each others’ lives.

Me time can be so important, and it’s a balance that we worked a long time to find in our relationship! I work a lot, so Mr. Cardigan gets a lot of “me time” while I’m at work, but it’s hard for me to fit in my time alone when I get home and he just wants to hang out with me! Through a lot of communication, we’ve come to the agreement that once I get home from work, he’ll just let me relax for a few minutes with no pressure to talk to him or do anything, and after that I’m feeling much better! Like MJ said, we also try to remember that just because our time together is limited, that doesn’t mean every second of free time has to be spent together!

My best advice? If you need it, ASK FOR IT. I think it’s easy to fall into the rut of feeling frustrated at having no ’me time’ and becoming resentful about it. If I need time to myself, I let Mr. Jaguar know and I TAKE IT. I make sure that I catch up with my bff at least once a week, and my family once a week.

The little things help too, though. We live in a one bedroom apartment for now, and it’s hard to get away from each other—but if I’m vegging out watching a DVD and Mr. Jaguar is playing WOW, we’re great. Other times, we’ll do stuff together or just hang out—but as Mrs. Taco said, it doesn’t have to be ALL the time.

I think we’re fortunate in this category because both of us are definite “me time” people, which means that we fully understand when the other person needs to be alone for a bit. The hard part is balancing all the rest (work, friends, family). I had a moment recently where I was really stressed about how other people can “do it all” and I was struggling to keep up. But, I just had to prioritze the most important items and just let some of the other things go for a bit (i.e. social media) and I felt so much better! So, I guess my advice is to figure out what is most important to you, and plan events and activities around those things, otherwise you’ll be present for everything, but not actively engaged, which is just not worth it.

As a person who takes on too many projects/jobs at once and is a supreme people pleaser, carving out much needed “me time” in my schedule made me feel selfish and guilty. It wasn’t until I reached 30 that I realized “me time” would help me be a better me. I had to learn to prioritize what really needed to be done, learn to say “no”, cut some projects out and fit myself into that equation. The result? Someone who is way more productive, produces better quality work, is healthier and much more fun to be around. Mr Waffle is so supportive of “me time” because it means the time he will get to spend with his wifey is far more relaxed and pleasant than time spent with a cranky pants no “me time” lady.

We are usually so busy that finding together time is more difficult than finding me time. We’ve traditionally been accepting of when the other requests a night away. I can’t say that I seek me time consciously but I do find myself scheduling girls’ nights at least once a month. I also spend one night a week with my sister and nephews. I call it date night. It also gives Zeb an opportunity to have some him time as well.

I think Mr. Seashell and I are both good about taking “me” time. He’ll sometimes joke that he “owes” me after he’s spent a Saturday golfing. I definitely don’t feel that way! I love that he has interests outside of our relationship, and I know that when I go off and do things on my own he enjoys having time to himself. The way our schedules work, I think the bigger challenge is scheduling quality “us” time.

Since we’ve been married I think we’ve both gotten better about being more independent. Before we met we were both very independent people, then we became very focused on our relationship, and now I think we’ve found a balance.

The upside to crazy travel schedules is that there is plenty of me time!

We each get time to ourselves when the other is out of town. Since more often than not at least one of us is out of town during the week, it means that weeknights are generally for ourselves as individuals (or our jobs), and that weekends are for us as a couple.

But my favorite ’me time’? That would be on my flight home from a work trip, when it is me, a glass of wine and the most recent issue of Us Weekly.

“Me time” is basically how I recharge my batteries. So finding a way to balance that with our need to spend time with each other and deal with the rest of life is an absolute top priority for me. I won’t lie though, when Mr. Lox and I started dating, this was a pretty big issue. He doesn’t need time off or alone the way that I do. Especially when we moved in together, we had to find a way to meet both needs and keep everyone happy.
It was interesting while we tried to figure out the right balance, but we made it through. Basically we just each kept an open mind, and tried to understand where the other was coming from. For example, he knows now that I am not a social being on Saturday mornings, and I know that he wants to spend some sort of time together every weeknight. It was a learning process, but we found our way through and we’re much better off for it!

Since Mr Frenchie and I didn’t live together before we were married, I never had a problem finding “me time” before our wedding. After our wedding, I think it only took a month or so for us to both be like, “I need some time just for me.” We try to have a time after we get home from work, where we can unwind and do our own thing. Occasionally on the weekend we’ll plan to go out with a friend or we’ll go shopping on our own. We’ve become really good at saying, “I just need some ’me time’” and the other is understanding.

I lived on my own for 10 years (no roommates or anyone) before Mr. Gazelle came along. I wasn’t sure what things would be like once we actually moved in together and got married. Since Mr. G works these weird 12 hour shifts quite often (either days or nights) I find that this gives me plenty of opportunity for me time. Mr. G is working nights? Time to get together with the girls or relax at home and watch that chick flick I’ve been wanting to. Mr. Gazelle also gets together with his buddies every Thursday night to game. I think we do a really great job of fitting in our own individual time. That time apart makes us truly appreciate our time together.

Mr. CA and I have lived together for 4 years, and were living in the same/ nearby dorms for 3 years in college as well, so we are fairly accustomed to the difficulties that living together present! However, balancing together time with ’me time’ is always a process—we’re still working on setting aside time for ourselves. I think we are both somewhat ’clingy’ in the sense that we like just spending quiet time together; whether that is sitting on the couch and zoning out to a movie or TV, or reading together in the same room. Even though we’re together, we’re doing our own thing.

Living in Princeton Junction has been a slightly new and difficult experience, just because we don’t have a large network of friends in the area. We have some, mainly work, friends that we get together with, but mainly it’s just us, together. So, that has led to a bit of cabin fever—sometimes I just need to get out of the apartment to do my own thing! We are moving to DC in a month, though, where we have more friends, and it’s definitely more urban, so I’m hoping that helps us settle down and feel less restless.

Anyway, after all that rambling, I think MJ said it best: “My advice is to remember that you’re in this life together, but a united front doesn’t always mean everything has to be done together.” It’s important to support each other, and remember that you may just need to take an hour or two each week for yourself to recoop! Don’t feel abnormal if you don’t want to spend every waking minute with your spouse; it’s perfectly natural to want ’me time.’ Just communicate your needs and wishes.

We. are. always. together. (And it’s driving me crazy!)

It’s really hard, I think, to find the balance between “me” time and “we” time. See, we’ve been married now for 3 months (getting close to 4, actually), and I don’t think the luxury of living together has worn off yet.

I mean, moving in together is a great big giant step, and also super exiciting. We also were long distance for the two years leading up to the wedding, so I was just counting down the days until we’d get to be together every day. It’s funny because all the hobbies I really enjoy have been getting neglected, because my craft room is in the basement, and I hate the idea of coming home from work, and heading to the basement while Mr. G’s upstairs.

What’s my solution, because I’m having a hard time leaving the Mister, but going crazy without space? I find some time for “mini me” time. In the morning, I wake up a little earlier so I can start my day with a bubble bath - I do this mostly every day -, while Mr. G is still sleeping. We run all our errands together, but I go to the library for myself for a mini breather. I also take a lot of naps on the weekends. It’s strange, but he goes and play video games and I get to sleep, both things that make us very happy.

I’ll be taking the other bees advice on this one, because we’re still figuring it all out.

I wave my ME TIME flag with pride. Mr. O does too. And we’ve discovered {through lots of trial and error} it doesn’t have to be this huge chunk of time. Even an hour of uninterrupted, glorious solitude is enough to rejuvenate us. Sunday mornings before Mr. O wakes up, I’ll make a pot of tea, put on some classic jazz, curl up on the couch and read. And at least once a week, I work it, shake it, pump it at hip hop dance class. These are my versions of me goodness.

These two 90-120 minute sessions of me goodness a week can happen because we’ve designed them into our everyday lives, so they’re not a disruption or inconvenience that causes friction. By nourishing this part of our lives, in turn it makes us more inspired, grateful and better versions of ourselves. And our marriage is that much stronger because of it.

With Mr. E’s busy schedule of class and work I get my fair share of me time, probably more than I need. I usually want “us” time when he gets home because I haven’t seen him all day, but I know that he needs time to relax and unwind. Giving him some quiet time to do his homework or play a video game while I cook is really beneficial for both of us.

Finding the balance of work, class, married life and our friends/family has been interesting, but I feel that we get better at it every day.

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What about you? How do you manage the stress and balance your relationship, job, and family while making time to do things you love?