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Warning: I talk about fertility, periods, and sex below. If you are sensitive to these topics please be forewarned.
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We are both on the same page as far as whether or not we’d like to have kids (we would) and when we would like to have them (soon-ish). But I have this horrible, nagging fear that we’re going to have trouble having a baby.
I’ve talked about my desire to be a mother with pretty much everyone I know. We’ve even discussed our timeframe with some close friends of ours. But, I kind of regret that.
What if we change our minds about how soon we want a baby? What if we can’t get pregnant? What if I miscarry? It is no one else’s business, but by being so vocal about it all, I’ve opened us up to questions and concerns if we don’t start popping out babies right away.
There is no logical reason for my paranoia. No one in our families struggled with fertility that I’m aware of. And I’ve never ever missed a period. Ever. But, I also have never ever had any kind of pregnancy scare at any time. Which is a blessing, I know, but doesn’t ease my concerns.
Additionally, I have grown disenchanted with the birth control pill in general. I hate the fact that I’ve pumped my body full of hormones all this time. Oh, it also kills my sex drive. I know that was in my control, and I could have stopped taking the pill, but I didn’t want an unplanned pregnancy more than I was worried about the ramifications of birth control masking a serious fertility problem. Especially since whether I was actually fertile or not wasn’t even on my radar until we got engaged.
What if I’ve developed some sort of problem that has been masked by my birth control? I don’t even know if I would get a regular period each month naturally anymore. And while we are close to the wedding, I don’t want to go off the pill and risk being in the first trimester throes of sickness right around the time we get married and honeymoon.
I know there are other forms of contraceptives out there, and it is my fault for not looking into them further. I just want to put that out there that I know.
I also have to say that it is a really weird concept to go from doing everything possible to prevent pregnancy after being sexually active for eight years, to “pulling the goalie” and actually attempting to procreate.
In closing, these are some of the concerns and thoughts I’ve had as we start to seriously consider growing our family.
Can anyone relate?
i can absolutely relate! we are nowhere near baby making stages - we’re just engaged - but both know we want to do it (have a family)eventually. but I too have been on the pill for YEARS now. I only recently switched brands for the first time since I was 18, which totally messed with my body’s routine. (PMS?! since when? not okay.) It’s true, I’ve become so used to the preventative measures, yet I occasionally have moments of panic where I am convinced I have ruined my productive organs forever. But what choice do we have as women, really? I suppose there’s no use in worrying about it, right? When the time is right you’ll start trying and what will be will be. Hopefully you and your FI would want to be with each other regardless of procreation abilities. For now, I’d say focus on impending nuptuals and enjoy it! One thing at a time..
First off, Hugs. Secondly, trust me, there are a whole host of girls on here who know (I can say for certain in this case) exactly how you feel. Myself included. Fear of fertility is a HUGE concern for many. I’ve always been very vocal that I/we want kids. But thankfully my friends and family have been very considerate about not asking us (generally) when the kids are coming. My biggest advice, keep plans of active TTC to people you KNOW will not ask you about it all the time. If there are no known issues likely you will conceive within a year. And I’ve been where you have been, “pull out” method for 8+ years with NO pregnancy scares whatsoever. What’s a girl to think? But thankfully after 9 hard cycles we are now expecting. 
Come join us on the baby boards under a pseudonym (this is mine!) if you want and you’ll find many understanding kindred spirits. ***Baby dust!***
Not to scare you but I am having the same problem. Always prevented a pregnacy since I’ve been sexually active. We decided awhile back to stop preventing it and it was really scary and weird. After it didn’t happen for awhile, I went to the doctor to find out that I dont ovulate every month. The only time I’ve missed a period is when my cycle switch from the end of the month to the beginning of the month. So really it was just late. The Dr told me now I have to take pills to make me ovulate which is the total opposite of what I’ve done for so many years.
Honestly, while reading this, I was like, wow I could have written it. I get paranoid. There is no better way to describe it. Our wedding is still a year away, and while he’s not against starting a family relatively soon afterwards–he’s not in love with the idea of starting ON the honeymoon. And then we get into the whole conversation about why I want to start right away, he doesn’t seem to understand how real my fears seem to me–both are moms had issues getting pregnant, and while they both ended up concieving naturally, it still makes me even more freaked out! But I keep telling him, well, if it doesn’t work, then we have to have been trying for a certain amount of time (my understanding is a year) before they even TEST for infertility, let alone try to address any potential issues. So I totally feel you, every now and then I get this overwhelming anxiety about it. Luckily, right now I have the wedding planning to distract me!
We got married a little over three weeks ago, and in prior to those three weeks. I had horrible side pain; side pain I knew would not go away unless I went to a doctor, so I did. She told me I had an ovarian cyst. Not the first time I have had one, but this time it felt different. To make a long story short, I went it for an ultra sound because my fallopian tube was clogged; with what they aren’t sure. I go see a specialized on Oct. 5, to see if my Husband and I can eventually have children. I like you have never been pregnant, I have been on birth control for the last 6 years, and don’t think I could produce my own period either. But one thing I do know is that the less you worry about it the happier you will be. Enjoy this wedding planning time with your soon to be husband, it only happens once. Don’t worry yourself about if you can’t, just because you haven’t, doesn’t mean you won’t. I strongly believe that everyone women feels this, always planning the next step in our lives before it even starts. I know it sucks, but the next thing you’ll know is you’ll wake up pregnant. One thing I tell myself over and over is to be patient. I hope the same for you. Good luck with everything you do, I hope one day both of us can be pregnant, naturally. I actually hope that for all women, because it isn’t fair seeing one women (19 kids and counting) have that many when you might not be able to have one.
I can relate, especially because I was diagnosed with a condition that makes getting pregnant harder. I will say if you have trouble getting pregnant there are many options out there you can try. One simple option you can get in a local drug store is a ovulation prediction kit so you know what time of month to try and get pregnant.
Thank you for sharing that. I think it’s an important topic.
Can I make a suggestion? If you’ve got a few months to go until the wedding/until you would be wanting to start trying for a baby, it might well be worth looking into a non-hormonal contraceptive like the coil. It would keep you unpregnant while letting the pill work its way out of your body, reassuring you about your periods, that sort of thing. And when you’re ready to go you just get it removed and you’re away.
I have one and it took a couple of months to get used to it, I wouldn’t recommend getting it just before a wedding because your periods will be unpredictable for a while, but I love it now. I love not taking hormones for a while. I have nothing against them, but I’d been on the pill for six years and it’s just nice to not be.
I think these are completely normal things to be worried about. I worry about them too. Thank you for sharing. One thing that might ease your worries - my gyn actually put me on the pill to avoid future fertility problems. (I totally relate to your complaint that the pill kills the sex drive though - I hate that side effect!). But apparently the pill does all these good things to regulate your reproductive system so that when you decide to go off it, everything should be in ship shape :). So, you’re probably doing more good than harm by staying on the pill until you’re ready for a baby.
Going to put myself on blast and say… I worry about this all the time. I have serious, insane fears of infertility that stem from my own insanity. Ha. We’re not anywhere near ready to have babies, but I worry that I will find out “too late.” Just breathe. Remember, everything works out like it should. And, if god forbid you have issues, there are SO many more options these days then ever before.
I went off the pill and it took me about 6 months for my periods to return to normal. I was on the pill from the ages of ~14 - 21 though, so a really long time. Since I can’t really get pregnant unless I put effort in since I’m in a lesbian relationship… I can’t say much about the fertility factor, after going off the pill. But since periods are usually an indicator of ovulation… I was about 6 months before I got a regular period. And they’ve been a bit wonky, they weren’t 100% regular. I also started getting some superficial acne - and I have never, ever had acne before. The Doctor explained it to me as kind of going through a second puberty - since I was so young, my skin didn’t get a chance to “get zitty”, and was doing it now.
I wouldn’t go off the pill until your wedding. You NEVER know if you’ll have normal periods when you go off of it… some women will get their period exactly 28 days after stopping the pill, some will be 3, 6 or even 12 months, before the normal cycle resumes.
I’ve “pulled the goalie” after ummm, 21 years of trying not to conceive! Wow, did I just say that?! Yes, I am older and yes, it is still freaky and weird to make that switch. I did go off the pill two years ago though because I was tired of the hormones. I didn’t like how they made me feel. In a couple of months I had “normal” periods and we were very diligent and used condoms the entire time. And I mean diligent. It may not be glamorous, but it works. You can handle it for a short period of time if you want off the hormones. Where there is a will, there is a way.
I can ABSOLUTELY relate.
Prior to our wedding in June, I had stopped taking the pill in April (mainly because my prescription had run out and I was too lazy to fill it for only 3 more months but I justified it as I should have the hormones out of my body when we start trying after the wedding) and used condoms until our wedding night.
I was very vocal about us trying, also informing people that I wasn’t drinking because we were trying. I kept saying that I know miscarriage or infertility is always an issue and approaching 30 I wasn’t sure where I stood.
By August I was pregnant, so fertility was apparently not an issue, since I was still concern about complications I was happy that I had told others that I wasn’t drinking while we tried as I didn’t have the not drinking give away my pregnancy to people I didn’t want to know.
Unfortunately I did miscarry after 6 weeks and now worry about the fact that I’ve told everyone we are trying because if I KEEP miscarrying I will have to start dealing with people innocently asking if we are pregnant yet which will probably do “wonders” for my morale.
All I can suggest to you and do myself is stay positive, things will work out in the end regardless of the countless neurotic concerns we may have flying through our heads at any given time.
I completely and utterly understand! We’ve been TTC since right after our wedding last year…EVERYONE around us (it feels like) is having babies…we’ve learned we are dealing with Male Infertility Factor…and have been told our only option is IVF with ICSI…which we do NOT have the $$ for.
Personally I can’t tell you how incredibly frustrating it is that for 4 years of our relationship we did EVERYTHING we could to prevent - including pumping my body full of BC hormones…only to find out it’ll be close to impossible on our own/naturally…but this is us. I would never wish infertility on ANYBODY. First thing’s first - talk to your doctor about concerns you have. I thought it was ME for the 9 months we couldn’t conceive - he got tested and we realized what we were dealing with. I am NOT meaning to scare you in any way shape or form - but there’s a lot of things you have to consider. Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones and concieve your first month of trying (and when you do decide to fully TTC, I hope you do! :D)
there’s really awesome websites online such as justmommies (a sister site to the bee) where you can get awesome advice from others in your shoes!
Dangit, no edit button! lol. I wanted to add - like you said, it is absoutely no body else’s business but yours. I’m pretty open to people about our infertility issues (my husband, not so much…) not that I want sympathy, but more understanding as to WHY we haven’t “popped one out” yet. But again, it’s NO one’s business…however be forwarned, since too many people out there think that everyone else’s business IS their business - even just talk of wanting to TTC EVERYONE will constantly ask you about it!
Good luck!
I was on bc for 8 years, and resumed normal periods the moment I was off of them. I got back my sex drive, and I was pregnant 6 months later. Don’t worry yourself before you even try! With the stress of planning a wedding, you don’t need more stress! It will be okay, and ((hugs))! 
Such a great topic, thanks for sharing. Hugs to you, I hope that when you do start trying, that you and your Mr. will be successful! I feel very similar to you and actually got off the pill a few years before we were married b/c of the loss of sex drive and other symptoms. So since we haven’t had a pregnancy scare in that time (while just using condoms), I get that same paranoid feeling as you do. Most of the time I just chalk it up to paranoia and try to have a more positive outlook on it, b/c I know that will help when we do start trying.
This is a lot of women’s biggest fear. I am on the fence about having children but I don’t want that decision taken out of my hands. I am in my 30’s and the stats are scary about fertility at this age range.
I think you should let yourself off the hook a bit, though. You said, “I know it is my fault” but there really isn’t any fault in these things. it is beyond your control. You’ve done everything to be responsible with your life and choices. What ever will be will be and it won’t be your “fault.”
I love that someone posted about this!!
I, too, worry about fertility. I’m on the pill now, which has been smooth sailing, but before I was irregular. I have nothing to really motivate my fears, but they are there.
My FI luckily is very understanding and luckily also of a “we’ll cross that bridge when we get there” mentality. We’ll wait till he’s out of school in a few years to try.
My husband and I have been married over a year and just now started trying to get pregnant. I cannot recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” enough. It eased my fears a lot about my cyles and fertility. Still not pregnant yet but I am hoping I will be in the next few months. Good luck!
bc pills are the only reason i have any chance of having a kid biologically. hormonal bc kept my syndrome at bay for YEARS without me even knowing i had a syndrome. the syndrome is so common- i’m sure that’s the case for a lot of us!
and even if it doesn’t work out for me, getting to be a parent is more important to me than being able to get pregnant/have a child biologically. there are other ways to become a parent!
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