Addiction

Addiction

September 28th, 2011 @ 6:46 am by Anonymous
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I wanted to confess my biggest wedding fear, but I knew I couldn’t under my moniker. My family reads my blog and I didn’t want any hurt feelings from them. However, I know that I am not the only bride who will have to deal with this, so when an anonymous post series was suggested, I knew this was my chance to share.

Here it is: I’m the adult child of addicts. One of my parents has been sober for a while now, but the other is not. It is my fear that the parent who still drinks will cause problems on our wedding day. I’m afraid that I am going to be so focused on that parent’s behavior that I will not be able to fully enjoy my day. When you add to the addiction that this parents tends to be a bit drama filled and attention-seeking, my anxiety triples.

It’s something that I deal with every day. I worry about more than just our wedding day. I worry for their health; I worry for their life-choices. It’s something that a daughter should never have to do, but I have most of my life. The wedding is just another thing that makes that addiction monster abundantly clear in my life. It affects every part of my relationship with my parents.

The thing that makes this all that more difficult is I know that I cannot do anything about my parent’s behaviors. I can’t follow around my parent every single moment of my wedding and make sure they don’t overdo it on the booze. I cannot do anything about their addiction. It’s up to them to change. One of my parents already has, I just wish the other would. If you also have addicts who you are worried about, wedding day or otherwise, a great resource is http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. They focus on the families of addicts and equip them with the mechanisms needed to live with addicts; it also points people towards group support. Know that you are not alone, that there are others who are also going through this—people just like me.

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19 Responses to “Addiction”

Member

Rhi (message) 13 posts, Newbee

Brave post.

I would suggest a quiet word with your parent well in advance of The Big Day, just saying how important it is to you for them to be part of your day, and that it would mean a lot if they could either not drink or control their compunction to do so. The leave it. You’ve done all you can.

You cannot control their behaviour - you can control its affect on you, to some extent. On the day, focus on yourself and the man you love - you will be so bound up in the wonder of the day everything else will be ephemera. Enjoy yourself. Good luck!

9/28/11 @ 6:58 am (reply)

Member

secondchances (message) 2,311 posts, Buzzing bee

I can understand your fear. We are experiencing the same fear with FMIL. I will be praying that your parent and my FMIL give up drinking completely before our weddings. (Wouldn’t that be amazing?)

9/28/11 @ 7:12 am (reply)

Guest

Katie

I would suggest that if you have a sibling or a bridesmaid who would be willing to keep an eye and take action if need be, you have that discussion with them in advance. You could also have the parent who is sober keep an eye and have a set time to escort the other parent from the reception so that you and your friends can enjoy the rest of the evening. This is something you have to get ahead of and it will make your day less stressful if you know you have a plan of action in place. Good luck!

9/28/11 @ 7:13 am (reply)

Member

futuremrsbrunell (message) 67 posts, Worker bee

OOoooh BIG HUG! I totally understand… I have the same fear but not about my parents but some other family members who are also addicts… who have history of causing a big scene at another family wedding. It will be ok.. and no matter what remember it is your day where you are vowing to spend the rest of your life with your best friend, no matter what happens noone can wreck that.

9/28/11 @ 7:20 am (reply)

Guest

Jess

Aw, I understand where you’re coming from- I’m in a similar boat. I hired a wedding planner who I feel very comfortable with, and she knows the situation. I left it in her hands. That way, she’s not family or anything. Enjoy your wedding day!!! Plan on focusing on the parts of the day that you’ve been most looking forward to, and be stubborn about nothing taking your attention away. I really hope you have a great wedding!

9/28/11 @ 7:22 am (reply)

Member

coasterkim (message) 40 posts, Newbee

I have the same fear but about one of my FH’s relatives. I just have to tell myself I cannot control anyone but me and pray that everything works out for the best. Hope your day is not marred by any unpleasantness!

9/28/11 @ 7:41 am (reply)

Member

MeganTacky2247 (message) 686 posts, Busy bee

First off - Im sorry that you have to deal with this. Its not fun, and no one wants to do it. ESP not on your wedding day!!!
Second - my FI mother is a BIG alcoholic, and his sister is right behind her. So, in the beginning of our planning that was a big issue we were worried about… now. we have opted to not have alcohol at the wedding. Just so that they arent tempted. We know that they are probably going to sneak something, but we have asked his uncle to watch them both. We are praying that they dont cause a scene, we dont want to worry about it. But hopefully, no alcohol at the wedding will help them maybe a little…
Good Luck to you!!!!

9/28/11 @ 7:45 am (reply)

Guest

guestbee

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mother has battled alcoholism all my lfe. We are having an open bar and it does worry me. Especially since her siblings, my uncles, drink heavily and like to try to get her to drink. It is a difficult subject to talk about with her because she feels like it invalidates all her progress when I “assume” she’ll fall off the wagon. I just spoke to her honestly though and told her I wanted her to be comfortable. I even told her we wouldn’t have an open bar if it was better that way. She said to keep the bar.

I am doing little things that are special for her. She loves coffee and sweet tea so I am having a flavored sweet tea bar for her and a coffee bar with dessert. She really appreciated that more than anything.

Honesty is always the best policy just be sensitive and acknowledge the progress of your loved one. Alanon helped me realize that I cannot own her behaviour or change it. As a child of addiction we tend to want to control the out of control behaviour. We can’t. Having said that it doesn’t take away the anxiety or concern. We just have to learn to deal with it.

You can always enlist someone- a close relative, sibling, etc- who will be there to help redirect any situation that may arise (ex. escort the person out for fresh air, etc.).

Hang in there. Wish I could PM you so we could talk about it. Like you my fam reads this so I had to go anonymous bee too.

9/28/11 @ 7:52 am (reply)

Member

queenfrostine07 (message) 29 posts, Newbee

My fiance used to work as a bartender for weddings on our college campus and said a few brides and grooms approached him with pictures of people he needed to keep an eye on and maybe give a little less alcohol in their drinks. He was always happy to help!

9/28/11 @ 7:59 am (reply)

10.

Member

meshay08 (message) 19 posts, Newbee

I feel your pain. Even though my father has been sober for almost 30 years, but his struggle to be sober when I was young created a very strained relationship. I love my Father and know he won’t drink at the wedding but his behavior is still erratic and I often struggle with things. As an adult I am the people pleaser and always trying to control things so I have extreme anxiety that something will go wrong or someone will be offended by my father. I am just trying to remember that he is my father and I love him and love that he is sober and people can either love or hate him but he is who he is.

9/28/11 @ 8:02 am (reply)

11.

Guest

Relating

I can relate. I have a father who drinks and a mother who does drugs but won’t admit to it. My soon to be inlaws are Christian and are involved heavily in the church. It def has been stressful thinking about the “what could happens”. I’ll be praying for you and your family.

9/28/11 @ 8:03 am (reply)

12.

Bee

Miss Sunhat (message) 865 posts, Busy bee

Thank you for sharing your story and your fears. This was very brave of you. I cannot say that I relate to the situation, only that I wish you strength and that you have my support. This is a topic that is rarely discussed openly and I’m sure many readers will relate and will feel comforted that they are not alone.

9/28/11 @ 8:04 am (reply)

13.

Member

micahg (message) 271 posts, Helper bee

Very brave post. I understand how you feel. Thank you for speaking up, and know exactly how right you are: You are not alone. Stay strong, love and good wishes to you.

9/28/11 @ 8:40 am (reply)

14.

Bee

Miss Ladyfingers (message) 1,119 posts, Bumble bee

Thank you for sharing this, Anon, and I’m so sorry you have to fear this on your wedding day of all days. I also thought of whether the sober parent would be willing to keep the active alcoholic parent in line, or whether they hold any sort of sway over that thing at all. The thing about it is, they make their choices despite knowing the consequences or the alternatives. I’m glad you posted the link to Al-Anon and Alateen - they’re both excellent support groups that teach you how to live a life that isn’t run by the addiction of those you love.

9/28/11 @ 9:13 am (reply)

15.

Guest

Jessica

Hugs! I was in the same boat. I had to ask my family member to please not over do it. It was a huge argument. So I settled for, please do not over do it before all the family pictures are done. They did oblige. But it’s a daily worry for me and their health and saftey.

9/28/11 @ 9:28 am (reply)

16.

Member

rprevost (message) 10 posts, Newbee

I can relate very much to having parents that are addicts. The worst part about it, is that because of the addiction my father had, I will be walking myself down the isle for my upcoming wedding. I always dreamed of the day my father would walk me down the isle. I know that he will be with me in spirit that day, but it is heartbreaking knowing he left us way to soon.

I really hope you don’t worry too much and get to enjoy your wedding day. I know that is easier said than done, because we love our parents so much. Good Luck!

9/28/11 @ 9:30 am (reply)

17.

Bee

Miss Honey (message) 1,069 posts, Bumble bee

Thanks for sharing this story…I can relate, so your post spoke to me! Hugs to you.

9/28/11 @ 10:06 am (reply)

18.

Member

miss.qwerty (message) 895 posts, Busy bee

This is a brave post. Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you.

9/28/11 @ 3:09 pm (reply)

19.

Guest

tessa

I have the same problem with one parent, so I can completely relate. He was addicted to both alcohol and drugs, and though sober is still really messed up. My decision is a little easier though: I’ve purposefully estranged myself from him and he will not be invited to my wedding. I wish you the best of luck at your wedding, and the greatest happiness.

9/29/11 @ 10:22 pm (reply)

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Anonymous

Anonymous Feature Launched: September 23, 2011 About: Bees explore issues related to wedding planning that they do not want to have tied to their real names/monikers.