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So, you know that whole thing where you date for a long time before you get married, live together, get to know each other, make sure you’re on the same page before you make the ultimate commitment? Well, what happens when you do all of those things, and you’re as confident as you possibly can be that you and your partner are on the same page, and so you get married—but then you change your mind about something huge?
I’m not saying I’m there. But I might be. Or at least I might be unsure about something that I thought I was sure about before.
OK, I’ll just cut to the chase: I’m not sure if I want kids. I’m a bit younger than Mr. Anonymous. Not creepy younger, but yeah, a few years. He’s ready. He wants a baby. He wants kids. He wants to expand our family. And I thought I did, too. But as time goes on, I’m becoming less and less sure that’s what I want. At least right now. We’ve been married for a couple of years, and we dated for a few years before we tied the knot, so the excuse of “I just want more time to spend, just the two of us” is starting to wear thin. Not that I need to make excuses. Mr. Anonymous isn’t putting pressure on me to start trying to conceive. He’s actually being very patient; he’s never even the one to initiate the “kids” talk. It’s always me, and it’s always because I feel guilty because I’m not ready to put a date on when we should start trying.
I guess my biggest fear is that it is going to cause marital problems for us down the road if we don’t get on the same page about having children. It wouldn’t be right for me to get pregnant before I feel I’m ready, but it also wouldn’t be right for me to keep telling Mr. Anonymous I’m not ready yet, and not be able to give him the assurance that we will have kids someday. I don’t think he would leave me if I told him I never wanted to have kids (and I’m not sure if that’s the case anyway—I still think I probably do want a kid at some point). But it might end up building up resentment in the future if we don’t have kids and then he blames it on me for waiting too long.
I’m more than likely over-thinking all of this. We are happy and kid-free right now, and we have plenty of time to make the decision about whether and when to have a kid. I think the thing I’m realizing about marriage is that it is so hard because you’re talking about two individuals who are in so many ways smooshed into one entity, but at the end of the day you are still two different people, and who you are can change and morph at any point in your lives.
Can anyone relate?
I am not sure I want kids. I am at an age where I need to decide in a hurry or the choice might not be mine to make.
My fiance and I are both unsure, though. However, since he’s a guy he doesn’t feel time slipping away like I do. I don’t have the biological luxury of waiting 5 more years. If I could I wouldn’t even entertain the idea until I was 40 but that isn’t realistic.
I can sort of relate! my husband and I don’t know if we want to have kids, we are on the fence 50/50. we talked about it at length before we got married, to the point that we were like “I can’t talk about it anymore!” we were exhausted from talking.
my worry is that one day, he or I will develop strongly different desires. I have a feeling he will be the one who wants them and I will not.
well, we’re fine for now. if it becomes a problem, then I’ll suggest a counselor.
either way, I’m trying to not worry myself too much about it. we’re in agreement for now.
@utcalgirl: I just read your post. I am in the same exact position as you– I feel that time is running out! what made me feel better is that we decided we’re open to adoption, should we decide we want kids one day. that decision completely took the pressure off!
I can totally relate to this post. I know I want kids one day, but I know my hubs would like them sooner than I do since we have a 5 year age difference. We talked about all this before we got married and even though he doesn’t put pressure on me…knowing he would want to start trying to have kids today if I wanted to and that I’m the one pushing it back makes me feel bad and hope that it doesn’t cause problems in our marriage later on. Especially since I don’t have a specific time frame to give him as to when I will “feel ready”…because how is one to predict how one will feel at a future date? Having a kid is a big responsibility and a total life changer…especially for girls. For me I guess I just want to have more direction in my career, have a larger savings account after our recent wedding and purchase of a house, and I hope to travel a little more too. Sometimes when he talks about our “future kids” it gets me flustered thinking that is his way of trying to tell me he wants them sooner…but he assures me that is not the case. I think I am just reading too into things…but it is hard knowing your partner wants to have kids and you don’t even know when you’ll be ready to :-/
Can I just tell you that I am currently pregnant and unsure about kids? It was not an accident and I am really excited, but at 36 & 42 when the baby comes, my general thought is WTF did we get ourselves into! I’m just so afraid of the changes in our life and what it will do to our relationship. We dated for 9 years before getting married, and I never pressed him because my biological clock wasn’t ticking. I’m afraid we’ll have an a*hole kid or screw it up or something for some reason, even though logically I know it will be fine.
I think it’s perfectly normal to be unsure- even when you are actively trying to conceive. Not to mention if you have issues getting pregnant.
But if at some point you are leaning more towards no, you do owe it to your SO to disclose. No one should have kids if they have any kind of feeling that they don’t want one- that’s not fair to anyone.
I know how you feel. When we first started dating, I was sure that I wanted 1 or 2 kids. Since then, I’ve completely changed and I’m pretty certain I don’t want any. Maybe it’s the fact that I have 7 nephews under the age of 5? It’s kind of exhausting just being an aunt! I’m not 100% certain and we’ve put the discussion off for a few years in the hopes that eventually my biological clock keeps ticking. I am worried, though, that this will be an issue in the future if he continues to want kids and I don’t. I guess only time will tell, right?
I can relate. The BF doesn’t think he wants kids and he just told me this. We’ve been together almost 6 years and bought a house together and practically married. ahhhh
Aaaamen! I always thought I wanted kids … until marriage was on the table and suddenly having kids in the near future was a very real possibility. ACK!
To preface, I hope this does not come off as harsh at all. You said:
“I guess my biggest fear is that it is going to cause marital problems for us down the road if we don’t get on the same page about having children.”
That is a pretty realistic fear to have. If you are married and your husband sees his life with children and you see your life without children, that certainly can cause marital problems. And you know what? That is acceptable. You are two separate adults and even though you are married that does not mean that there is one life-vision. If there are two, you need to recognize your own vision and own it.
If you come to the point where it is clear there are two separate visions, then, as a previous comment mentioned, try counseling. Counseling will benefit you guys because it will either 1) make you realize that you actually DO want kids (or make your husband realize the opposite), putting you on the same page; or 2) makes you both realize that your vision of life with or without children is more important than the marriage. And that is fine, I think. You have one life. You don’t want to resent your spouse for the rest of your life because you had kids for him, and he does not want to resent you forever for not giving him children. THAT will cause marital problems. Kids, and the decision to have or not to have them, are pretty important things. The fact that you have conversations about this already and are not ” making excuses” is a good thing and indicates that you are on the right path - one of communication, honesty and openness, no matter where it takes you.
I’m 95% sure I don’t want kids. BF is undecided. At first he said he was fine with not having them, but now he says he doesn’t know what he’ll want in 3 or 5 years. I’m terrified that at some point down the line he’s going to decide he wants a baby, and then what does that do to our relationship?
I am just so glad that so many women recognize the realities / challenges of being a parent and seriously consider them before taking that step. (Instead of getting caught up in a more romanticized vision of parenthood- all cuddly infants and custom etsy onesies.) Parenting is stuffed full of trials of all shapes and sizes- which is absolutely not to say it’s not worth it! Just that I’m so glad to hear women really critically thinking about their potential role as “mother.”
This is an interesting topic and finally gets brought to light. I knew at 16 I DID NOT want kids. I grew up in the hood - too many girls were pregnant before graduation, I didn’t want to be a stat. I kept to that for forever. And when I met my SO and the relationship started to get serious, I told him I DO NOT want kids so if you want to end this relationship, let’s do it now before we become vested. Having children is 24/7 for G-d knows how many years, and then some. FOR ME, I would feel weighed down by the responsibility…And honestly, all of it would fall to me (it always falls to the mother). So then there’s the career one has to consider, why should I give it up? This was just another reason. And honestly, I’m not fond of children for a lengthy period of time. In the end, we all have to consider our options.
I was wondering if there were any childfree (or potentially childfree) bees, because it often feels like everyone other woman except me wants kids. I am definitely not having children, it has never been a desire of mine at all and being around children for extended periods of time drains the life out of me and drives me crazy. I played career woman when I was little instead of house. Yeah.
It’s nice to hear this topic brought up on the bee, it is not a popular one at all.
We still go back and forth on whether we want kids. We’re older too, so we don’t have much time to decide. I think I’m most worried about the huge change in my life - instead of just being about you, it’s now about your kids. I also see older coworkers now struggling to put kids through college, versus those who didn’t have kids buying vacation homes. It’s a tough call, especially as I’m not one of those women who always knew she was going to have kids. My biological clock certainly is NOT ticking!!
We’ve been together 8 years, all through college. At the start I was all “I’ll definitly want kids” then “I probably don’t” then “I know I will” then “I maybe do.” FH was No, probably not, No, probably not.
Right now, we’re both throwing up our hands and going “I don’t know. Maybe. Someday. Maybe Not.”
I like being on the same page. We’ve also discussed it and have decided that if either one of us REALLY wants to (you know, for more than a month or right after my neice is being super cute) then we will. It’s good to talk about the what ifs.
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