Weddingbee Blog

Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Do you and your SO come from different backgrounds (cultural/racial/spiritual)? If so, how has integrating your (culture/race/religion) with his/hers been? Were there any hurdles or obstacles you’ve to overcome? Any compromises you’ve had to make? How will this affect your future (in regards to rearing children, presenting yourselves to your families, etc.)?

I come from an immigrant family and was raised Jewish. Mr. Spaniel’s family has been in the U.S. for centuries, and their background is Catholic. I’d thought that since we were both born and grew up in Southern California and were atheist (me) and agnostic (him), any conflicts that we had in our lives/philosophies/ideas about children would not be cultural or religious. HA! I AM STUPID! The biggest fight we’ve ever had in nearly six years together was about whether a potential son of ours would have a bris or not (not to mention all of the theoretical conversations about “what if our kids want to be garbage men/musicians/lawyers/doctors/professors?” that start off joking and sometimes end in hurt feelings).

We’ve both had to learn to really, deeply examine our (sometimes starkly different) values and put them on the table and leave them open for discussion. I’ve learned that I can’t take the values I was raised with for granted when it comes to how we’ll raise our own children. These are not really easy discussions to have, and we know we’ll have to keep revisiting them over our relationship. While I can’t say it wouldn’t be easier if we came from the same backgrounds (and had the same unspoken values), I also think that this openness has helped us to be a better couple, and to be more unified when either of our families question our decisions.

I am Indian/Filipino, and he’s white/ethnically (not religiously) Jewish. I’m from the San Francisco Bay Area and he is from Dallas-Fort Worth, TX. We both grew up Catholic, so we have that in common. But we’re as different, culture-wise, as you might expect with the aforementioned identity markers.

We have a base-level interest in our cultures, and I think we explore them together fairly well, mostly when we’re talking to our respective families about our roots. But I suppose our respective personal histories are more important to us than the melding of cultures, per se. There have been funny learning experiences—he learns that Filipino kids tend to live with their parents longer and tend to be more receptive to their criticism, even as adults. And his nice Texas family learned me on everything Lone Star. Having experience only as the first-generation American in my family, it’s still interesting to chat with parents who went to prom, lived in dorms, and went to football games in college.

The only real challenges are sometimes awkward, though well-meaning stumbles on both sides. My dad occasionally slips and calls Mr. T by my cousin’s husband’s name—he’s the other white man in the family, enter “They all look the same!” joke here. And members of Mr. T’s family ask often how to pronounce the maiden (now my middle) name that I still use.

I’m Filipino, and Mr. O is Korean and Filipino but was born in Korea and has a must stronger influence of this culture. We’re both C & E (Christmas and Easter) Catholics, our parents are very religious, and we went to {the same} Jesuit High School, so we understand the type of religious influence we had throughout our lives.

From a cultural standpoint, merging the two cultures has been AWESOME. I’ve loved learning all about the Korean culture…the language, the heart wrenching films and THE FOOD (Korean BBQ!). And Mr. O has had a blast learning more about his Filipino roots—for a few years, I ordered The Filipino TV Channel so we could watch the awesome variety shows and movies in our native language. I’d drag him to our annual cultural festivals. And one of our first dates? To my favorite neighborhood filipino cafe that serves the best Halo Halo (dessert) in the Bay Area. Our next step is to travel to South Korea and the Philippines and see where our families grew up.

As for religion, we’ll most likely baptize our children Catholic, but I don’t think we’ll turn into weekly churchgoers. We’d like to teach them that strong faith and belief in God can happen at any place that feels meaningful and peaceful. Because that’s what we believe.

Mr. Jaguar and I are both Catholic—but he is a practising one, and I am not. During our pre-wedding counseling sessions, a lot of our chats were about how this would work in future—for now, we agree to let the other practice as he/she sees fit.

Raising kids is a bit of a sore spot: while I am perfectly fine with baptizing my children into the Catholic faith and helping them through their Communion/Confirmation, I believe in the public education system for primary and high schools. (I teach in it, and I WAS taught in it. It’s just my thing.) Mr. Jaguar, on the other hand, attended Catholic schools throughout his whole life—so he wants his kids to have the same upbringing.

For now, we’ve agreed to leave it until the time comes—when we have a child at kindergarten age, we’ll do our research and visit both Catholic AND public schools in our area and then make the decision about where they go.

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Do you and your SO come from different backgrounds (cultural/racial/spiritual)? If so, how has integrating your (culture/race/religion) with his/hers been?