Weddingbee Blog

OK, hive, it’s time to get real here. Let’s talk about sex.

Or more specifically, the lack thereof.

You see, there are several of us bees who are choosing to wait until after marriage to have sex. Now we fully realize that such a choice may seem strange these days. Choosing to wait is not a particularly popular approach to dating, sex, relationships, and marriage, and a lot of couples today ascribe to the “test drive” philosophy. We live in a pretty sexually open society, and let’s be honest, sex is kind of everywhere: TV, movies, books, the news, ad campaigns, and US school curriculum. For many individuals today, sex is an important part of a healthy relationship between two people. Plus, we hear it can be pretty fun and awesome.

So why would anyone choose to wait until marriage to have sex these days?

Well for us, the decision is in large part a faith-based one. Those of us writing this post, as well as our partners, identify as Christians and have made a commitment to save sex for marriage. To us, sex is God’s gift to a husband and wife. It is a sacred and intimate act, and when it comes to our own relationships, we see sex as this amazing thing we get to enjoy only once we’ve been joined together with our spouses as “one flesh.”

But even setting aside faith, there are still a lot of other secular reasons we’ve chosen to wait.

In the twenty-some-odd years we’ve lived as proud virgins, we haven’t had to worry about sexually transmitted diseases, unexpected pregnancies, or the type of emotional heartbreak that can accompany sleeping with a person who misuses or abuses sexual relationships with others. We may have missed out on some enjoyable and fun experiences, but it’s also been really nice not to have to worry about any potential consequences that could result from these experiences.

While we feel completely confident that the decision to wait is the right one for us, we still face a lot of social pressures and expectations when it comes to our sexual choices. Sometimes people playfully tease us for not having sex, and we’ve had awkward conversations about why we don’t live with our significant others or spend the night together. But the comments can go deeper. Sometimes people talk behind our backs and make fun of us for the very personal decisions we’ve made. We’ve even been told that we’re making irresponsible, unwise, and unsafe decisions in our relationships because we don’t truly “know” our partners in the fullest sense of the word.

Our misters in particular have had a difficult time with the decision to wait. Unfortunately, they have been mocked for not being able to “get any” from their fiancées and for being “whipped.” In reality, our misters are just as committed to waiting as we are. It’s not a decision we have forced upon them; it’s something that we’ve decided to do together as a couple. Yes, our guys still want us (just as much as we want them!), but we are committed to waiting together.

Certainly it’s fine to have a different opinion on sex than we do, but it’s frustrating when our personal choices about our sex lives are scrutinized by others, especially when we try our best to accept and support others’ sexual decisions. While having sex before marriage is not the right choice for us, we completely understand that it is the right choice for others. We have tons of close friends and family members who have not waited, and we still love and accept them. In fact, we celebrate their relationships, including those that have a sexual component. We would just hope that more people would accept and support us in our personal choices, including the decision to wait until marriage.

And this support is so crucial because waiting is hard. Yes, we’ve made the right decision, but it’s not an easy one, in part because we often feel really alone. While others around us have active sex lives, we sometimes feel like we’re the only ones not getting laid on a regular basis. And for anyone who’s ever made a commitment to do or not do something, we’re sure you can understand how difficult it is to stay committed when everyone around you seems to be doing the exact opposite.

Furthermore, as humans, we are sexual beings with sexual desires, and not being able to fully experience or express those desires is difficult! It’s especially difficult once you meet someone with whom you are madly in love. You’ve found your partner, your best friend, your lover, and it really is only natural to want to connect with that person in every way possible.

But even though it’s difficult, we know the wait will be worth it for us. Do we think that the wedding night will be beautifully magical? Probably not, at least not in the usual sense of “magical” nights that couples spend together. We’ve heard the warnings: “No one’s first time is ever good,” “It’s going to hurt like a b*tch!” We’re as scared and nervous as we are excited, and we know that it may take a while to feel comfortable and get used to incorporating a very new aspect to our relationships.

But we also know that it will be magical in the sense that we will finally get to fully express our love with the people we have already committed our lives to. It may not be the best sex ever, maybe it will hurt, and yes, we’ll definitely be nervous. But we love the fact that when we finally make ourselves vulnerable to a sexual relationship, we’ll be doing it with our husbands, the men who only a few hours earlier promised to “love, honor, and cherish” us no matter what. And a night spent with the men who promised to do that couldn’t be anything other than magical.

Have you ever faced social prejudice for your sexual decisions? Why have you chosen to wait or not wait?