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Hive, let’s get real for a minute. I have been reading wedding blogs long enough to know I am not the only person who had a pre-gagement. You know, it’s that time between when you’ve talked about marriage, decided this person is the one with whom you will spend the rest of you your life, and the actual, official engagement. Despite what movies and TV and romance novels would have us believe, the percentage of people who are blown-out-of-their-chair shocked by a proposal is pretty small. Enter pre-gagement.
For us, it was made even harder by the LDR. As I wrote about earlier, Mr. Aardvark and I lived seven-plus hours apart for over a year. That whole time we were very seriously pre-gaged. We never ring shopped, but we talked about rings. We never made wedding plans, but we talked about “when we’re married.”
Once he moved here, every day I was convinced that was the day he would propose, and we would start planning our wedding. Ladies (or gentlemen, but I assume it’s mostly ladies reading a wedding blog), this is no way to live. It made me irritable. It made Mr. A feel bad. It made me insecure. It made Mr. A frustrated. Clearly, impatient tendencies had taken all the fun out of our pre-gagement.
After a month or two I let it go (kinda) and told myself it would happen when it happened. Then it did happen! And it was more wonderful than I could have imagined. Looking back now, I have some guilt about how demanding I had been. I have never been a very patient person, and waiting for something I knew was going to happen sometime just amplified my inpatient personality. I think our long pre-gagement is one of the main reason our engagement will be relatively short, less than a year. Yay for less waiting!
The lesson here: each stage of your relationship is important—eventually it will transition to another phase, but before it ends take a minute (or a year) to enjoy it!
And now, a goofy picture:
Mr. Aardvark and me getting ready for a Lady Gaga concert (Personal Photo)
He indulges my crazy whims. Can you blame me for being in a rush to spend the rest of my life with this guy?
Did you have a long pre-gagement? Or were you blown-out-of-your-chair surprised by your proposal?
Thanks for this! I’m most certainly pre-gaged at the moment. I’m in a serious, long-term relationship in which the conversations of marriage, kids & “way into the future” are common. We’ve both decided to be married, but I don’t think the actual engagement will come until I’ve finished grad school and we’re more financially stable. I like this term though 
Can’t wait to keep following your wedding!
This was a great post…. I don’t know how to exactly describe mine. I’m newly enaged last month and I KNEW he was the one, but I didn’t think he was there yet. We talked about marriage, but we are from totally different backgrounds, different countries, different races, diferent cultures….the WORKS…lol. But we talked about when got maried etc. I didn’t take it to seriously…i never take what a person says seriously..im more of a show me type of person..lol. When he proposed on our vacation to the DR…I had no idea what was going on and had to “get up” to make sure I was witnessing what I was witnessing, so in essence…I was blown away. He also acts very weird when he’s planning a surprise or whatever for me, so i always sense somethings going on…but he was so cool and calm i didn’t suspect a thing. I’m with you in reference to your comment under your picture….with the many quirks that I have…and him loving the heck out of me….i’m snatching this one up!…saying yes…rather quickly and shedding a few tears in the process!…lol.
We were pre-gaged for over 2 years.
We met September 2007,
began discussing the future around January 2008,
talked about *our* future (together) by the end of the Summer 2008,
began to discuss our wedding/kids/future house in the beginning of 2009,
I moved in with him September 2009,
we **Finally** got ENGAGED (ring & all) in December 2010
and we will be married in April 2012!
So, to be -exact- from the time we got together it was 3 years-3 months-2 days before we got engaged! And I was impatient, but man was it worth it!
We had talked about getting married (he even said he had been looking at rings) for several months. After it didn’t happen, I decided not to worry about. I was honestly the only person who was surprised when he proposed.
Good points, Aardvark! I agree that most people aren’t totally surprised by the proposal anymore, and I actually think that’s good. If you’re not talking about the future and the possibility of marriage/long-term commitment, then maybe you’re not ready to get engaged yet. It’s also hard to wait on the guy once you’ve had those conversations and are ready to get married. But it’s so important to enjoy each stage when you’re in it!
I relate to this too Miss Aardvark! And what good advice you give other brides about accepting stages of our relationships for what they are - building blocks to help you in happy AND tough times.
My pre-engagement went like this: We had been talking about marriage for months. My boyfriend talked to his parents and then my parents and sister (for their “permission”). Then we picked out a ring. After, we found a ring it was SO HARD to keep a secret while the ring was being made!! I had to stop anticipating that every day would be *the day* and because we both wanted the proposal to be a surprise! I took to calling him my boyance until we were officially engaged (just to him, no one else!).
We are also having a short engagement - let’s get going, right!?
Happy wedding and here’s to the stages!
haha you are a way better person than i was (and still am) because my FI was deploying and i was really “needing” him to get ‘er done so i could plan while he was away. one night, while i was more than hinting that he should start thinking about it, he proposed! i just wanted him to go ring shopping but popping the question worked well too : D
@soontobeMrsEschberger, Our timelines are very similar! Met February of 2008 and are getting married in April too! Yay April brides! Are you somewhere the weather will be a wild card?
@Wordsgal, I cracked up about boyance! For some reason it makes me think of Beyonce with Mr. Aardvark’s head or something like that!
Thanks for this post! My BF and I have been together for a little over 4 years. We started talking seriously about getting married about a year ago and picked out a ring together 6 months ago. I was so sure we’d be engaged and I’d be in the middle of planning by now and I’m growing more impatient by the day! I’m feeling a little guilty about the subtle (and once in a while not-so-subtle) hints I’ve been throwing the past few months. We’ve talked about when we want to get married (next Sept) and I’m just antsy to start planning because A. I’m a total planner and am on a budget so more time = saving more..and B. Our summer and fall is getting so booked up with weddings already. It’s making me super nervous. Not to mention I’m feeling insecure because all of these weddings are people who are way younger than us and who have been together for half the time we’ve been together (I know I probably shouldn’t care about this..but It’s in the back of my mind.)
SO until our pre-engagement is over I need to be patient because in the end it’ll happen and I’ll get to marry the love of my life which is the most important part.
We had a pre-gagement for a couple of months. My FI and I had been seeing each other for almost a year when marriage started coming up. Unfortunately, I moved to New York for graduate school and he had to stay back in the midwest. A couple weeks after I moved out, we were Skyping at about 4 a.m. and he sort of proposed — in fact, we made plans to elope when I came home for Christmas. A few days later, we realized that our families would be devastated by that and cancelled the plans, but he started asking about what kind of ring I wanted and said he wanted to “do it right,” and I told him the whole thing was up to him, that I wanted no part in it since I wanted to be somewhat surprised.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, he came to visit me in New York, and I was hoping he might propose. A few days went by, and he kept dropping hints that he hadn’t bought a ring and wasn’t going to, so I tried not to be disappointed. Then, the day that I was totally convinced that he wasn’t going to, he pulled the ring out of his pocket when we were about to leave to go out to a jazz club. I was so shocked, my jaw dropped, and I think the first words out of my mouth were, “Where did THAT come from?!”
So, after all that, he managed to surprise me
You are so right when you say “each stage of your relationship is important—eventually it will transition to another phase, but before it ends take a minute (or a year) to enjoy it!” SO and I have been pre-engaged for over a year and are also in an LDR. This time has really allowed us to further develop our relationship before we begin to plan our wedding!
Finally! Something to call this stage haha. Yeeeaaaah, we were in that stage for about uhhh…a long time but that’s okay, now is the perfect time for us. Yay for pre-engagements!
We were pre-gaged for years…and I had no idea how long he would take to “pop the question”, so to speak. We bought a house within 2 years of being together - we did consider spending the deposit we saved on a wedding, but thought the house was a better investment at the time - and it was.
From very early on, we spoke about “our” wedding, kids, growing old together - all the typical things. I waited 4 and a half years for the official request and the ring! He was dying to ask me as much as I had been dying for him to ask! (As well as all of our friends and family).
Although it means we really don’t need any wedding presents, the good thing is organising the wedding has been easy as can be because we already knew what we wanted to do well before we were officially engaged.
If it’s meant to happen, it will - just be patient and enjoy the time with your other half - every day counts whether you’re in a relationship, engaged or married
We never talked about marriage really, before the engagement, but we both knew we’d be together a long time. We invested some money together to start our ‘buying a house’ fund, had talked about where we’d like to buy a house, what we’d want out of it…. it seemed to me that if we were taking this house stuff seriously, we’d be together for the long haul, wedding or no wedding.
I wasn’t sure we’d ever actually get married, Mr CB had made some disparaging comments about ‘the naughty M-work’ early in our relationship that stuck in my mind…. it wasn’t that he wasn’t commited, I just thought he wasn’t one for the formal marriage thing. I don’t think he thought he was either, so I was totally surprised when he pulled out a ring in that park in San Francisco!
I’m pre-gaged, and probably will be until we finish all of our education or are nearly finished with it! We’re taking out time and enjoying this stage of our lives
I feel guilty about how I acted, too, but I think there is a whole different person lurking inside of every woman that only shows up during the pre-gagement period of life. And that woman is out of control!
I suppose you could say we were “pre-gaged” for our entire 5-month relationship before we got engaged because we knew from the start that that is where we were headed. But, I wasn’t expecting a proposal for at least a year or so, so I was completely shocked to get one so soon. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Like you said, not many people are totally surprised anymore. I consider myself lucky enough to be one of the exceptions.
Yeah, I think the “pre-engagement” stage is pretty common today. Timing seems to generally be the problem between finishing school, getting jobs, and savings. My FI have invented a new stage, “pre-wedding planing”. We have been engaged for a month and a half, but won’t start planning (well minus be following this blog of course 
) until I finish grad school in December. Clearly, right now my thesis is more important, but man am I jealous of all the planning and progress that everyone seems to be doing. I haven’t even let myself go to the venues that I’m interested because I fear all my attention will go to planning
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Miss Aardvark, Beaver Dam, WI Age and Occupation: 23, Assistant Product Manager Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Business Analyst Engagement Date: May 28th, 2011 Wedding Date: April 2012 Venue: St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co. About Me: I am a resourceful lady who love surprises and adventure. At the same time, I value traditions, family and friends. I like to make crafty messes, sometimes, clean them up, and do pretty much anything outdoors. The Mister and I are pretty avid cyclists---we have nine bikes in our home right now...and one motorcycle! We both enjoy eating food we can't pronounce (language doesn't really matter) and going places we've never been. We currently reside in rural Wisconsin, enjoying the cheese and beer it has to offer, and getting outside whenever we can!
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