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Heads up: this post is sort of piggy-backing on my second post.
The fact is, I am coming to terms with my religion right now, and Mr. Foxy is an athiest (not agnostic).
Getting married in a church just wouldn’t make any sense for either of us. Religion was a huge part of my childhood (and I am determind to make it a part of our future children’s, as well), but I am a different person now than I was then. I also wouldn’t feel right “making” Foxy get married in such a way that he’s uncomfortable with the whole thing…it just doesn’t make sense.
So, we’re not getting married in a church. I was concerned about how my parents would receive this since they are both Lutheran pastors and both sides of my family are fairly religious. But I am just now finally able to say…they’ll have to deal with it. It’s mine and Foxy’s wedding, and this is what we are choosing for ourselves.
That doesn’t make it any less hard, though. I still consider myself spiritual, and I would like at least a little God in our ceremony. I don’t want to get married by a random person who knows nothing about me or Foxy, but at the same time I don’t want a pastor who will impose religion and God into the ceremony in ways we don’t want it.
The trick is to find a family friend who is also a pastor to officiate our wedding, who will allow us to have significant control over what goes into the ceremony while still offering some guidance. I have someone in mind, but have not yet broached the subject with that person. I am hopeful but cautious. It’s much more of a fine line to walk than I initially thought it would be, but I’m OK with that, as long as it’s perfectly us.
How did you decide what kind of ceremony to have and who to officiate it?
I’m also religious and marring an atheist. I have a friend who’s ordained online and has performed many weddings because she loves it. I’m pretty much writing the ceremony myself. One of the hard parts about it is that my fiance just has no opinions on the ceremony either way–it’s just not a world he has much experience with, and I struggle with not feeling like he doesn’t care (which is not the case, liturgy is just not a language he speaks).
My solution is going to be to have one discrete part of the ceremony where God will be invoked the congregation will be asked to bless us. That way, there’s a God part but the whole ceremony doesn’t assume you’re a believer. Our parents will also bless our rings during the ceremony. At the beginning, the officiant will also say something about how we have come together respecting one another’s differing beliefs–my fiance wanted that in there.
Stay strong. I think this is a part that many people fudge because it is very difficult standing up to family and cultural expectations when your beliefs differ from theirs (my wanting to be married by a peer and not a priest was hard for my family.)
Good luck with the music too. I really wanted to have one song that everybody could sing as that’s what I grew up with, and finding a “church song” that didn’t mention God was not easy!
I think at any point melding your beliefs (or nonbeliefs) in a relationship is difficult. Everyone has an expectation of what should be and changing that expectation (especially one so riddled in tradition) can frustrate all parties.
I think what you are doing sounds like the best way to marry your personal beliefs together. Since I am Lutheran and my SO is catholic we have decided to host a non church ceremony as to not have either one of us feeling stuck.
Your story sounds similar to mine. We had a non-denominational ceremony with no mention of any higher power, but we each chose a reading. I chose one from Sir Walter Scott that included God in it, and he chose a Calvin and Hobbes one. 
We both felt good about how it turned out.
Finding what works for the two of you and your relationship is key! I am glad that you have been able to be firm with your family about it being your (both of you) wedding.
Good luck with finding an officiant! I know you will find the right person!
Really well said - I think that the ceremony really needs to reflect the two of you, and it makes me really sad when I see couples who give up on that to make others happy. I understand it, certainly (I know we’ve talked about R’s mom’s disappointment with our secular ceremony choice) but the ceremony is SO important - it’s such a statement of your marriage, not the wedding. If that made any sense?
We are very similar. FI is atheist, and I grew up Catholic. I can’t say that I still practice, though. We decided years ago that we would not have a religious ceremony, and although my parents are being a little wierd about it, we are not going to cave. I am with you - I do not believe I should push FI to do something he does not believe in. He wouldn’t do it to me, so I am not going to make him get married in a church if he is not comfortable with it.
You’re much braver than I am. My fiance and I are both athiest, and while he was raised Christian his parents aren’t very religious either. Mine on the other hand are about as Catholic as they come. I’ve never told my parents that I’m athiest, but just telling my mom that I don’t go to church and that I don’t believe in a lot of the Catholic religion’s beliefs caused her to cry for a week straight (she had to take some personal days off work) and she has now prayed for my soul every night for 2 years straight. So… it came as no surprise that when I mentioned that I might not get married in the church, I was informed that my Grandmother, parents, and most of my aunts and uncles would not attend as a wedding outside the church is not a recognized marriage in their minds. They would also not pay a penny to help us out (they’re covering 60% of the wedding). In the end I realized that it would not be worth the regret of having all those people miss my wedding… even if it is “their” problem and not mine. It would be different if we were eloping or doing a destination wedding, but my fiance wanted the big, fancy party so… here we are. Sometimes I hate that I’m giving in, and I know that I’m giving my mom false hope that I’ll suddenly turn uber-Catholic. It’s very frustrating!
Get out of my head. I have a very similar post coming soon.
@Anni:
Just remember when you see people “giving in”, that it’s a lot more complicated than it seems. It frustrates me to have to have a church wedding, but it would devastate me to have none of my loved ones at my wedding. Despite all this, I’m very close to my parents and I couldn’t stand them not being there.. my family is very important to me and so in this case it will make me happier in the long run. I don’t think people quite understand having parents that wouldn’t just be disappointed, but devastated… she’s nearly had mental breakdowns over all this. It’s horrible that she can’t see my point of view, but I have to do things in baby steps (I’m not marrying a catholic, we don’t go to church and we’re not having a full mass wedding, that’s all my mom can handle for now!)
I also really struggled with this at the beginning of FI and my engagement, so I know what you are going through. Though I no longer feel affiliated with it, I was raised in the Catholic church, and my mother’s side of my family is pretty religious. FI’s family is a part of the Episcopal church, which is VERY similar to Catholicism. FI is more toward the agnostic scale, while I am finding myself agnostic now, but opening up to the Episcopal side of Christianity. Whew! Lots of expo. Anyway, we have decided we should marry in *our* spot; the spot we first kissed, first said I love you and the very spot where he proposed. In the beginning, and still a little now, our families had a hard time reconciling that we chose not to have our ceremony in the church. But we kept strong, knew that what we were doing was right for us, and I am happy to say that they are starting to accept it and get excited about planning!
Bottom line — you are doing the right thing for you and your FI. I am glad for you and excited to see what happens!
P.S. Sorry this is so long!
P.S.S. It’s good to know that we have such a WONDERFUL support system in the Hive to get through struggles like this. I appreciate seeing you post about this since I had a difficult time going through this at first. I am totally here for ya Miss Fox!
We asked my godfather to officiate since neither of us are particularly religious. I got to have an awkward conversation with my Italian Catholic godfather that No, he could not mention God at all during our ceremony. Since the ceremony is the whole point of the day I think its really important to make sure both of you are comfortable. Hopefully your families are supportive!
@zippitydoodah: @zippitydoodah:
Oh I totally understand and never insinuate that anyone was lesser for it… I meant that it makes me really sad that it’s even an issue, that ceremonies would ever be considered “right” or “wrong” when they’re so personal.
@therascalqueen: I love the idea of having your parents bless the rings, and also having the officiant comment about you both coming together and accepting all of your differences. It sounds like a great middle ground.
@MsBrooklynA: I like it! There really is something to be said about two people from very different religions (taking the atheist part out of it) - I think nondenominational is a wonderful idea for a ceremony, in that situation.
@jo.lee: Awesome idea with the readings! May need to consider this. 
@Anni: Absolutely makes sense.
@soyjoy222: I think it’s natural for parents to be weird about a more secular, nondenom wedding in most cases, especially if they were married in a church and/or are more religious. It sounds like we’re on similar paths!
@zippitydoodah: I’m so sorry this is a struggle for you, as well. You do seem to be in a tougher spot, though - I don’t know how my feelings would change if my family flat out said they wouldn’t come if it wasn’t in a church. It just gets so hard - they’re your family, but you want to do what’s right for you.. I wish you luck <3@
Miss Skunk: Never!
@micahg: You’re adorable - I love that you guys have a spot and have the ability to get married there! And I definitely agree - this community is amazing and I read each and every comment with such enthusiasm because you all have such great advice, stories, ideas, etc. So wonderful.
I’m really unsure of how this is going to go with me and my SO in the future. He was raised religiously, while I wasn’t. He isn’t practicing much anymore, but I know in the future, he wants our children to have some sort of religious background.
Before that though, we have to figure out this whole wedding thing and how we’re going to get it done! I don’t mind religion, but I really don’t know how our differing beliefs will play out (not negatively saying that - I just can’t figure it out!).
@Anni:
Oh ya, I totally get you there. What makes it worse is that my uncle is a Deacon and he informed me that he was worried that we are not very good role models for the family (because we live together and because I had concerns about marrying in the church)… I told him that I will do a Catholic wedding, but that I do NOT want to be used as a “good example” to the younger family members that this is the ONLY way to do things or that you should just give in to the family and ignore your own beliefs. He ended up being very understanding and told me that he didn’t think we should ever do anything just because we feel pressured and that we need to make the decision to marry in the church ourselves.
I must say, I am thankful for the first of my cousins to marry outside the religion (12 years ago) for taking the brunt of that. No one bats an eye at it now and believe me, all my aunts and my grandma cried for weeks on that one too! I guess we slowly just need to get everyone used to the idea that we’re not all going to be cookie-cutter Catholics (if Catholic at all).
Neither Mr. P or I are very religious, but much of our families are. In the end, we too went with what we wanted and had a talented friend perform our ceremony. We were able to include what we wanted and ended up loving the results. I hope your family friend will be on board with your ideas!
@zippitydoodah: I can completely relate. I’m Catholic, my husband is not and my parents were devastated. It’s been a few years since the wedding and while they like my husband, I think they are still coming to terms with the fact that my children might not go to Catholic school, that we may not be as gung-ho about church as they are, etc.
But I love him and this is MY choice and MY life. Not theirs. I have to live with my decision and they don’t and I love my decision. But has taken me years to get over the hurt and disappointment from them. Hang in there, faith is a tricky thing.
Though I’m not yet engaged- it is in the near future and this is a topic that has been on my mind significantly over the past few months.
BF is atheist, not to mention somewhat cynical about the Catholic church. I was raised Catholic and still consider myself somewhat Catholic- though not a weekly church-goer.
All that being said- I’m still concerned with how my mom specifically is going to react to me not having a Catholic wedding. She is always open and accepting- I just think she always wanted me to marry a good Catholic boy. So I’m hoping she continues to be accepting…AND that we can someone who is a good fit to marry us.
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Miss Fox, Washington DC/Havre de Grace, MD Age and Occupation: 26, Massage Therapist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Field Support Engineer Engagement Date: April 18, 2010 Wedding Date: June 2012 Venue: Vandiver Inn About Me: I’m a dancer turned massage therapist who was born and raised in New York. Alas, true love has brought me “south” where I still maintain my penchants for pretty shoes, wine, crossword puzzles, cherry blossoms, and the Mets. I own more sunglasses than a normal person should and don’t eat red meat (though I make up for it by eating my weight in sushi). I tend to be a big planner who likes to get things started early, but generally end up being indecisive and procrastinating when it comes down to it. I have a (not so) secret crush on Chris Carrabba, but my loyalty and love ultimately goes to the future hubs, of course! Together, my Foxy man and I love to discuss (read: debate) politics and current events, have Mario Kart and Scrabble duels, and just laugh. A lot. We’re hoping and planning for a laid back, fun, summery, rustic vibe to our June wedding that will be genuinely “us” – that is, if we finally make some decisions. Huzzah!
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