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Weddingbee Blog
I need your help, hive!
See, Foxy Mama has taken the initiative to email my bridesladies, namely my two maids of honor (more on that later) about starting to think about my bridal shower. Part of the reason for the advance thinking is simple: I have friends and family spread up and down the East Coast. Close friends and family. In my bridal party alone, one is on Long Island, two are in Philly, and two are in DC. Lord knows if they will ever actually all be together in one place before the wedding itself.
Image via The Tizona Group
Needless to say, the decision of where to even have the shower is very pertinent, as planning can’t begin until that is decided. Ideally, I’d like it to be in New York—it’s where I grew up, it will always be home, it’s my ideal city. However, that would require the majority of people traveling a long(ish) distance (especially with traffic), and I just don’t see that realistically happening. Practically speaking, it should be in DC. You know, the one city where neither of my two maids of honor (or mom) live.
I know it’s not a big deal in the long run, but small things like this seem to matter more than they should sometimes. I would just love a nice, fun bridal shower with my friends and family. End of story. But I have no idea how this stuff happens or how it works. Seriously.
Am I supposed to have any say in this? Does my mom take care of it? Do the bridesladies? Most important: who pays? (Foxy Mama would like to know the answer to that as well.) I need your help! Tell me everything you know about your experiences and bridal shower “etiquette” please. Or I’ll be forced to give you the sad kitty eyes.
Image via eBay
When it comes to bridal showers, who does what?
To answer who pays, I told my mom that her level of financial contribution should match her level of say in the shower. So if she wanted to be the one to decide on the shower venue and menu, that she should expect to pay for most of it. Or if she wanted to let my bridesmaids find a place within their budget, she could contribute a small amount.
My mom decided she wanted to plan a lot of the shower since she wanted it be pretty upscale. So she’s paying for most and asking my bridesmaids to chip in $50 or $100 each I think.
For my sister’s bridal shower (I was the MOH) I coordinated with my mom and the other BM’s but to be honest it was mostly my mom and I making the decisions but we wanted to make sure all the girls would be available. Over half her BM’s (including me) were out of town so to make things easier we decided to do the shower and the bachelorette party on the same weekend so people wouldn’t have to travel twice.
As far as paying for it we have a large family so it didn’t feel fare to make the BM’s pay more just because my mom invited so many people (70+) so my mom and I mostly footed the bill while the other BM’s helped with the setup and DIY things needed for the shower.
But I have been a BM in other friends weddings and we normally just split the cost between all the BM’s and normally the other mom’s have chipped in as well.
I just dealt with practically the same thing. I grew up in NY, currently live in NH and my bridesmaids live in DC, NC, VA, etc and my mother in GA.
My sister was my maid of honor and lives in NY. She took on planning with help from the bridesmaids, but since most people were going to have to travel no matter where the shower/bachelorette party was, she asked me for my preference which also made her life easier - NY.
As for payment, my understanding is that my sister and bridesmaids kept it fairly cheap (at one of my aunt’s homes instead of a restaurant, for example) and split the cost amongst the 4 of them.
Travel to the event was left to the individuals attending. Unfortunately this meant that a number of my mister’s family from Boston and a couple college friends were unable to attend, but otherwise was the best situation possible.
Also, because I had cousins who also lived in the city, we were able to all stay in apartments instead of get hotel rooms.
I hope this helps. And yeah, having been in that situation, it kind of sucks. You just want all your people together and that should be simple, but it isn’t always.
Goodluck!
P.S. - Loved your engagement shots. It was a little deja vu for me since I used to live down the street from your location. I recognize that area all too well. Should have gone to Cake Love!
I was the MOH for my cousin’s shower and planned the whole thing from out of state, since that is what would have been most convenient for her. I ended up paying for most of it, but mainly because her other maids were not so helpful and although initially we split things up to be more financially equal, I feel like some did not end up following through on what they were asked/volunteered to do. I was also pretty particular about invitations and decor, so I was willing to put more money into those. The bride’s mom, my aunt, did not contribute much financially, but also was not very involved in the planning so it worked out fine.
Traditionally the MOH hosts the bridal shower (and pays for as a host should), not the mother of the bride.
It all depends on the role your mom wants to play, I think it’s nice for the MOH and bridesmaids to take care of everything so that the mother of the bride can just show up and enjoy the shower, especially if your mom is helping plan the wedding etc.
In my maid of honor role I planned and paid for everything and just asked the bridesmaids for their opinion on things and to chip in whatever they felt appropriate.
You, should not have to pay for anything or plan anything.
Traditional etiquette says that neither the mother of the bride nor any of her immediate family (unless Sis is a BM/MoH) should host (that means invite and pay for) a bridal shower.
The bride’s input is generally limited to providing the hostess(es) with a potential guest list (since only folks invited to the wedding get invited to the shower, and generally no more than one shower if there will be multiples–e.g. kitchen shower, couples shower, lingerie shower–with the bridal party being the exception).
Down here showers are generally held in homes or neighborhood clubhouses, so hosting fees generally relate to food and decorations, maybe door prizes if they go that route, and don’t need to be elaborate in order to be fun. Travel expenses are up to the individuals who will be doing the travelling.
@Future MrsB: This seems like a good option - that way, my mom can decide how much she wants to be involved and dole it out from there. Thanks!
@Acorn13: Bachelorette and bridal shower on the same weekend is the likely scenario, at least in my eyes. A whole weekend of fun? Yes please!
@justsplendid: It sounds like you did what I’m hoping for myself - shower in NY and have ppl crash with friends and fam. Here’s hoping.. and thanks!! We actually used to live just a few blocks from the farmer’s market and recently moved farther away.. it’s a bummer because we aren’t able to go as often anymore!
@lolacola: Sounds like a good distribution of money and duties.. glad it worked out for you in the end. My main thing is that I don’t want anyone spending too much or going too crazy, you know? 
@Z: Thank you for the advice! I think my mom would looooove just being able to relax.. but she’s also a planner. Decisions, decisions!
“Tradition” “They say” “Etiquette”
Its all for the birds! If your mom and your bridesmaids have stepped up and taken the role to throw you a bridal shower then let them. They can figure out the location, the city, the food, the decor, etc. In my personal experience, each bridal shower I have gone to has been thrown by different members of the brides family or bridal party. The last one I went to was thrown by the bride’s aunts. Its the tradition in their family that the aunts host and organize the bridal showers for all the neices. I was the MOH for my sister but she’s in FL and I’m in CA so I wasn’t even able to attend hers, let alone try to host it! (I went to FL a week before the wedding and threw her a bach party). I’ve also been to a bridal shower that was hosted by the bride’s grandmother. One that was hosted by the bride’s mom and MOH. Every family and every bride has a different situation. You do what’s best for you. If your mom is stepping up as the one to organize and host, then she should be the one to foot the bill. If she’s asking for help from your bridesmaids, then they should talk to your mom about what’s expected as far as their input and contributions. My advice, sit back and enjoy this event that you don’t have to plan. Besides, you have enough planning going on! Give them a guest list and let them know you’d love to have it in NY but also be gracious and understanding if it turns out to be in DC instead. I hope it all works out in the end. Keep us posted!
This can definitely be a sticky situation - I’ve been in 2 weddings where I paid for nothing, and 3 where I have paid for a share, split between all bridesmaids and the bride’s mom. I can’t imagine any of your bridesmaids would be shocked if your mom asked them to chip in, even if they haven’t for other weddings they’ve been in, or even if you didn’t for theirs. I think it’s a pretty standard/reasonable expectation of bridesmaids, even if it’s not done in every case.
I think the first question to ask is, can your bridesmaids and other OOT guests afford to travel to wherever the bridal shower is. Especially for the bridesmaids, if they are also pitching in for the cost of the shower.
My MOH is 2500 miles away and my two BM’s are 3000 miles away in a different country. I am just grateful that they can afford to travel to be with us on our wedding day. There is no way I would even let them think about planning a shower or bachelorette.
I think you definitely have a “right” to request where you would like to have the shower. And, if it works out great, but if it doesn’t because of logistics I’m sure many people will make the travel effort for you. Usually the bride’s family and bridesmaids will do all the planning/paying, but I think it’s acceptable to ask the groom’s family to pitch in if the list gets a little too out of control. From my own experience I’ll admit I requested an overall theme for the day (IF possible). My mom has taken the initiative. I provided her with the guest list. For me, it made the most sense to do in NY since all my immediate family and friends are here. But, a lot of Mr. P’s family/friends will have to travel to get here.
From my experience with weddings I have been in, either an Aunt or sister or someone close to the bride (usually a family member) plans & pays…
My mom’s best friend offered to throw me a shower.
I think it’s always awkward when it comes to who pays for what. Good luck, Miss Fox!
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Miss Fox, Washington DC/Havre de Grace, MD Age and Occupation: 26, Massage Therapist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Field Support Engineer Engagement Date: April 18, 2010 Wedding Date: June 2012 Venue: Vandiver Inn About Me: I’m a dancer turned massage therapist who was born and raised in New York. Alas, true love has brought me “south” where I still maintain my penchants for pretty shoes, wine, crossword puzzles, cherry blossoms, and the Mets. I own more sunglasses than a normal person should and don’t eat red meat (though I make up for it by eating my weight in sushi). I tend to be a big planner who likes to get things started early, but generally end up being indecisive and procrastinating when it comes down to it. I have a (not so) secret crush on Chris Carrabba, but my loyalty and love ultimately goes to the future hubs, of course! Together, my Foxy man and I love to discuss (read: debate) politics and current events, have Mario Kart and Scrabble duels, and just laugh. A lot. We’re hoping and planning for a laid back, fun, summery, rustic vibe to our June wedding that will be genuinely “us” – that is, if we finally make some decisions. Huzzah!
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