Weddingbee Blog

And no, I’m not talking about Mr. Parasol. I’m still shout-it-from-the-mountains-smooshy-face in love with him.

**Just to clarify: this post is in no way anti-name changing. I truly admire all of you women and men who are excited about and follow through with the process of changing your last name, and to be honest, I’m a bit jealous!

Some of you may remember my name change post from a while back, where I wrote about why Mr. Parasol and I decided to take each other’s last  names. A lot of careful thought and discussion went into this decision, and we were excited about sharing a hyphenated last name.

We’ve now been married for about a month and a half, and unlike Mrs. Cannon, Mr. Parasol and I haven’t begun the process of officially changing our last names. And we currently have no plans to do so.

At first, we both had a “We’ll deal with that later” attitude towards officially changing our names. I don’t know about you, but given the choice between dealing with various government entities and not dealing with said entities, I always choose not. Besides, like most twenty-first century newlyweds, we changed our names on Facebook, and we used our new last name socially, so we figured there was no rush to make things official. Apparently we Parasols are lazy. But as the weeks ticked by, I started to feel uncomfortable with the idea of our new last name, and I realized that there was more than laziness behind my nonchalance about legally changing our names.

To put it bluntly, I just don’t identify with my new last name. While I like our hyphenated last name in theory, I don’t like it in real life. Before we got married, our hyphenated last name seemed like such a fun idea, and I loved how it beautifully symbolized our committed relationship. But now that we’re married, I kind of hate it.

Every time I sign my new name, introduce myself with it, or see it on Facebook, I cringe because I feel disconnected from my identity. My new name makes me feel like a totally different person, and I don’t recognize myself. It’s weird. About two weeks into our marriage, I stopped using my new last name. I went back to introducing myself with my maiden name, and I no longer forced myself to sign my new last name. I like my name, and my signature, as it is.

And I don’t just feel this way about my name. I don’t like Mr. Parasol with our hyphenated last name either. After we got married, I would often catch myself calling him by just his last name, and I would correct myself. Now I’ve stopped correcting myself because I prefer his last name alone. It’s who he is, and it’s who I fell in love with. Changing his name makes me feel like he’s a stranger.

Needless to say, it was only a matter of time before I came to a realization: I do not want to change my last name. Phew. I still can’t believe I finally said that out loud.

Of course, this realization came with a lot of guilt. Why am I so attached to our current last names? Isn’t a rose by any other name just as sweet? Are my hesitations indicative of a deeper problem? Am I a bad wife for not wanting to go through with a name change that, in my mind, symbolizes my commitment to my husband?

When I finally shared my concerns about our hyphenated last name with Mr. Parasol, he said that felt the same way, and he assured me that our feelings do not indicate some deep flaw in our relationship.

Despite our discomfort with our new last name, we both still feel completely head-over-heels in love with each other and committed to our relationship, and we love being married. So if all of that’s there, why do we have to change our names? Keeping our last names and having a healthy, happy relationship aren’t mutually exclusive. We’re happy with where we are, and we’re happy keeping our last names, and that doesn’t mean we love each other any less. For us, it just doesn’t make sense to force a decision we’re not comfortable with.

Mr. Parasol likened changing our last names to buying a suit. You like the suit, and you’re glad that you bought it, but most days, you don’t need or want to wear it. You’d prefer to leave the suit in the closet and wear jeans and t-shirts on a regular basis.

So that’s where we are, and we’re OK with that. We’re jeans and t-shirt kind of people, and for now, we’re going to leave that suit hanging in the closet, content to know that it’s there when we’re ready. We have a hunch we’ll finally be ready when it comes time to have kids, but we’ll just have to see when we get there.

We still love the heart behind our hyphenated name, and we hope that we’ll be ready to wear the suit one day. But I’m glad that, for now, we are doing what is best for us. And most importantly, we’ve come to realize that a name change doesn’t make a committed relationship or family. Individuals who love each other and work hard to build a life together do. And as long as we’re committed to that, we’re OK.

And since I can’t talk this long without giving you a wedding picture, here’s one from our ceremony (still no professional pictures yet!). I love this picture because it captures Mr. Parasol wiping away my tears and whispering “I love you” when I started to cry in the middle of my vows.

Photo taken by Mama Parasol

And of course, that brought a big smile to my face.

Photo taken by MIL Parasol

Yep, I think we’re going to be OK, even if we never change our names. And have I mentioned how thankful I am to be married to a man who loves me whether I take his name or not? Well, I am.

Anyone else have complicated feelings about the name changing process or second guess your decision after the wedding? Do you have any advice on how to feel more comfortable with a name change?