- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee Blog
You know that cliche saying “You find out who your true friends are when…” Like, when you were going away to college and some friends stick around while you drift away from others? Unfortunately, I’ve found the same to be true for weddings.
I had a friend—a BEST friend—who flaked on every wedding event leading up to our wedding…I’m talking dress shopping, bachelorette, rehearsal dinner… even the ceremony… and she was supposed to participate IN the ceremony.
After the wedding, said friend could not figure out why I no longer wanted to be friendly towards her. I no longer made an effort to hang out with her, catch up—to be honest, I could not be in the same room with her for very long. My husband suggested I was holding a grudge.
Gasp! Oh no he did not!
Granted, most girlfriends I’ve talked to about bad ex-BFF and her behavior have told me she was completely out of line and messed up. But the fact that my own husband thinks I’m holding a grudge made me think.
Am I being a bridezilla?
There are a few more friends that I am quite disappointed with over our wedding. Is it selfish of me to feel like friends who attended our wedding should be happy for us, supportive and respectful of wedding etiquette? I felt some people to be judgmental over our decisions. Some who I felt were rather rude, or just plain annoying. And to be honest, I hold those people a little further away from me now that we’ve been good and married for a while.
But then I feel guilty, like, I’m still harboring these feelings and using this against old friends? I take a good long look at myself and think about the old saying:
Nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do.
I tell myself I’m being selfish, a brat, a bridezilla. Just because that one friend didn’t take it as seriously, did not go the extra mile, made that one comment that took me aback, wore that dress that was inappropriate; at the same time everyone who was there cared about us, was happy for us, and that’s all I should be hoping for. And not everyone is as well-versed in wedding manners as those of who lurk here for hours a day!
Still, as I look towards building my own family I find that the most important relationship I have is with my husband, and my gaggle of gossiping girlfriends and old jungle gym friends are drifting. The friends I truly hope to keep are the ones who were most excited to dig in at our wedding and showed genuine appreciation for how special our wedding day was to us. Some friends really surprised me—like the one who sat with me to re-curl my limp hair, talked with me calmly, and handed me another glass of champagne as everything around us exploded in chaos, or the look on another friend’s face when I first appeared at the aisle, utter joy as she burst into tears—and for them, I hope to be there to return the favor.
Did your wedding make or break your friendships? Are you holding any bad feelings towards anyone even after your wedding has come and gone, or do you think this is a bridezilla attitude?
~~~
Catch up on all past anonymous bee posts
I feel the same way. I was majorly disappointed in how my best friend(maid of honor) acted. She made no effort to help me in any way. I feel bitter about it considering how much i helped her with her own wedding.
Nope, I learned a long time again that friends come and goes but my husband will be my side forever and ever. There is no one, no one you can depend on like him. That being said all our friends were nothing but fantastic all throughout wedding planning. I think perhaps that prior knowledge has allowed me to be more selective in friends we keep really close.
Hey…I read your post because I’m experiencing some strange friend behavior as I continue to plan my wedding day. I recently turned 30 and something strange happens to friends and relationships at that age. Many of my friends got married years ago and have moved on to having children. So when I announced my engagement…aside from a few excited friends, it was mostly met with (insert sound of crickets chirping here) not much of anything. I guess I understand…babies are the new and exciting ‘trend’ in my friends lives…but it does irritate me being that at the time of their wedding I was so happy to celebrate with them.
I would be careful though to try and forgive those friends of yours who did not act as you thought they would. I’m not sure I’d call it a grudge…but you never know when you may need that friend. And there might be a reason you don’t know about that would explain their behavior. A single girlfriend of mine avoids any wedding talk with me. I’m assuming it’s just uncomfortable for her to talk about it because my wedding is somehow making her feel like she’s ‘behind’ in her own life. So yes, I’d love for her to be excited for me…but I understand that it’s hard for her.
I think I could have written this blog myself. From the R.S.V.P.’s to the close of the reception I have learned so much about people. The ones that invited a “guest” or their children when the invite was to them only. Could they have least called asking “Can I bring a friend”? No, they just write it on the responce card.
My one bridesmaid disappeared after the ceremony and was never seen again til it was time to board the party bus to the hotel. I asked several people where is _____? “Oh, she’s sitting outside with her date”. The only thing I could think of why she didn’t sit at the head table with us is she doesn’t like to be the center of attention and probably was uncomfortable. Would you think she could have come to me and said “I’m feeling anxious sitting up here with you so I’m going to sit outside, ok”? I would have been fine with that. I only knew that she saw the cake cutting or first dance when we looked at the video and I saw her on the outskirts. I feel like she only thought of herself and not thinking that she should tell me what she’s feeling. I would never make her do something that she’s uncomfortable with and she knows this. I just would have liked to know why she wasn’t there. Her date could have come to me as well. We haven’t spoken about it since the wedding almost 2 weeks ago but I need to hear it from her why.
I never will understand why people do the things they do or think. We got a few gifts and cards but there were a lot of people that didn’t even give a card of well wishes and that made me feel like “I don’t even care about you enough to spend a few dollars on a card or even hand written note to wish you both well but I want to come and eat/drink/dance” Maybe that’s asking to much of a guest and all through this wedding planning process I’ve discovered that a wedding should be about you and your SO but everything you plan is mostly for your guests. The food, drinks, centerpieces, music and even the bathroom basket in the ladies room are for them to enjoy. Yes, my husband and I enjoyed it too but if it was just us it would have been on a much much smaller scale.
I know these feelings will diminish and when I see my wedding pictures later on today hopefully the beautiful memories will over ride the mis-haps that went along with the day.
I got married in June, and my best friend was similar to yours! She was my co-maid of honor along with my sister and she just didnt get the whole wedding thing and how stressful it is or what favors are or anything like that. She made me late for my hair appointment the day of my wedding, she didnt speak to me my whole wedding day, at the reception she didnt like what we had so she ordered herself chicken fingers and french fries and got mad when i told the caterer to charge it to her room. I felt SO beyond hurt by her that the day after the wedding I tried talking to her about it and she just put the blame on me saying I didnt talk to her, I didnt dance with her (she wasnt on the dance floor the whole night!!) I just gave up caring at that point, I wanted to enjoy the moment with my new husband and our friends and family who TRULY care about us so I just ignored her and the bs. Since the wedding I’ve talked to her 2 or 3 times and thats only if I call or text her first. As of right now, I’ve just stopped trying. My husband and I are planning on starting to try making a family now and I just feel like I’m too old for the drama and I need to surround myself with people who truly care about us, but at the same time I’m honestly upset about letting her go.
i knew that our wedding was more important to us than anyone else. but, it’s not just a party. everyone who cares about you should care about your wedding - at least a little!
i don’t think i’ll ever get over a friend of mine skipping my wedding bc she was pregnant (and couldn’t spare the time off work), but still attending 2 others and taking a vacation all before my special day. we’re still friends - but that level of closeness is gone.
it’s not a surprise that a bride’s wedding is hugely important to her, so if you can’t be there for her during that time - when can you?
i see nothing wrong with letting people like that fall out of your life. if they wanted to be in it, they’d make an effort.
I don’t think it’s bridezilla at all. Friends are friends voluntarily–if someone treats you like crap, why are you remaining friends? It’s okay to let those friendships drift. What’s harder is when it’s family treating you this way. My husband’s sister came to ZERO pre-wedding events, sent no gifts (including a wedding gift), and was a bridesmaid– but still was angry we didn’t allow kids at the wedding, and her husband refused to talk to us at our own wedding (which she insisted on bringing her 2 and 4 year old to, though we told her they could not come to the reception). Weddings sometimes show others’ true colors, and instead of thinking it as a grudge, really understand that it showed what that person really thought of you– not much, sadly.
While it’s true no one cares more about your wedding than you, there’s a bit of a threshold where they SHOULD care at least a little bit, right?
I love it when post on here make me feel better about the way I was feeling! I had a very similar situation, and really I do not feel it is a “grudge”. I just think people show their true colors at weddings (and funerals for that matter!) and it is more or less a test of character.
I’m in the same boat, I followed up on a missing RSVP from my best friend from college, her response was “when is it again?” it’s november… “oh I’m so sorry I can’t make it”
I don’t know if/when I’ll get over it…
I agree with ones before me who say that they don’t think this is bridezilla-esque at all. If you considered this girl one of your BEST friends, then there’s obviously a reason you wanted her around. For her to flake out on EVERYTHING means that something must have gone wrong, and you have the right to be upset about it. Your wedding is a HUGE thing, and a true friend would’ve done what she could to help you out!
And I think @k8e said it well: “… a bride’s wedding is hugely important to her, so if you can’t be there for her during that time - when can you?”
I haven’t been as close to my maid of honor after her actions at our reception. We had been friends for years, but her actions on our wedding day won’t let me view her in the same light as before. We’re still friends, but it will never be the same.
i held a lot of grudges, but none as bad as what you experienced. as i read this, i felt like finally, i had let those things go. it takes a while, but luckily, i had more friends and family that went well beyond what i expected and we had a great day!
I think for smaller slights, you should just let it go and move on. They are probably just not in the same place as you. But for a BEST friend who so clearly left you hanging— I wouldn’t hold a grudge I would confront her! I had to do the same thing with one of my bridesmaids who I felt like was blowing off wedding stuff. She didn’t help the MOH with the shower at all, and despite lots of reminding she forgot about my bachelorette party!
I felt like I had two options: write her off— this friend I’d had my whole life– or confront her. I did the latter and we had a great talk and completely repaired our relationship. And when I told her I’d felt dumb for having such a “serious talk” with a friend all bf-style she said she should hope that I cared enough about her to fight for our friendship just like I’d fight for a relationship with my significant other. Such a good point. So yea– I say– have the fight. Then forgive and move on.
Good post. But I have to say that the pendulum swings both ways. I cut one my friends after her behavior as a bride showed me how selfish and unappreciative she was. Like you another poster mentioned, friends will come and go but husbands (should be) are forever.
I had an issue with my MOH almost right away. I live far away from my entire family and a lot of my friends. More than half my wedding party is 1300km away. My MOH lives in the same town I do. We’ve known each other longer than we haven’t known each other (friends from 13 and we’re almost 30 now), and we’ve always been really close. My parents were coming up to visit, so I planned a day for us all to drive to the nearest big city to go dress shopping. It would be my first trip, and I specifically wanted to make it special for my mom because it would be her only opportunity to have that memory. We planned the trip weeks in advance. The morning-of I got a phone-call from my MOH saying she was ill and couldn’t come. We went anyway, but I had this nagging feeling she was lying to me. So I called her on it. She admitted she lied and just hadn’t wanted to go. This has been on top of a complete lack of interest in anything wedding-related. But you know what? Some people just don’t get it. They don’t get the pomp, the hype, the ceremony, the tradition….any of it. And they don’t want to. For some people there is nothing LESS interesting than a wedding. After being less than nice to her for a couple of weeks, and after obsessing over the personal slight (she lied to me….repeatedly), I looked at it from her point of view. Her and her hubby eloped. She despises attention. She’s very shy and quiet and reserved, and is very non-traditional in how she lives her life. Basically, MY big-deal wedding was only a big-deal to ME. If this is your friend’s first/only transgression in your relationship, forgive and forget. If this is just one incident in a pattern of incidents then maybe your friendship belongs in the past. Is your friend married/in a committed relationship? If she’s not there might be some jealousy involved. I’ve learned through disappointment that some people will help you move, drive you to the airport, bring you soup when you’re sick, but ask them to talk wedding and their eyes cloud over and they suddenly remember an urgent errand that needs running.
Obviously the behavior she displayed was hurtful and inappropriate, but do you know what was going on in her life? Was she going through any major problems or adjustments?
got married 2 weeks ago and i am really disappointed with my friend. we had a small bridal party since it was a destination and intimate wedding. 1 MOH and 1 bridesmaid, 1 bestman, 1 groomsman, with this we were able to pay for their dresses, H&M, and the guys’ suits. It was also our way of thanking them.our ladies love their dresses and had their input on them.i think i was reasonable with them since it also was going to be their vacation too,no task for them other than on the day of the wedding.I also made sure that she’s wanted to go to our wedding too since it’s a destination wedding, so i wouldn’t be twisting her arm. a whole year of planning, we had nothing but support from our bridesmaid, until a week before the wedding. my dear bridesmaid decided to tell me that i should have my OTHER friend be the bridesmaid instead of her and she can mail the dress overnight! WTF! i had a bridesmaidzilla. we were able to patch things up but needless to say, i learned that she’s one of those people that wants attention and unreliable.
Its true that your wedding is more important to you than to anyone else. HOWEVER, everyone should realize that and treat the bride and groom like they want(ed) to be treated at their wedding.
Also, I’d just like to say that I think there is a difference between holding a grudge and making a conscious decision to end a friendship. It sounds like your friend isn’t a very good friend and if you no longer feel like putting a ton of effort into a relationship with someone like that I wouldn’t blame you for it one bit.
I agree with Corgitales. Girls tend to be really passive aggressive and non-confrontational which I think damages a lot of otherwise strong friendships. The least you can do is be honest with her, she can take it or leave it but at least she’ll have a chance to try and make things right.
It’s hard to change for the better or make things right if you don’t even know what you’ve done wrong.
As others have said, I would let small things go. Like a comment on a dress or flowers or how fancy it is (not everyone will share your view/style). But I would hold a grudge/confront/cut-off with a friend who was SUPPOSED to be in the ceremony, and then didn’t make it to the CEREMONY. That’s bananas. I get that everyone can’t make pre-wedding events (especially with travel, going back to school, family, work, etc etc), but the wedding itself they should be there for.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Anonymous Feature Launched: September 23, 2011 About: Bees explore issues related to wedding planning that they do not want to have tied to their real names/monikers.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 29 | 30 | 31 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
| 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
Latest Gallery Pics