- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee Blog
Let’s just get to it: I am going to talk about sex this entire post. I guess a more accurate warning would be to say that I’m going to talk about a lack of sex this entire post.
I love Mr. Anonymous. Every cell of his body, every fiber of his being, every hair on his head, I love. So why exactly is it that I don’t naturally and consistently want to jump the bones of someone I love? Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy sex. When we do the horizontal polka, I feel happy and in love and satisfied and content. It’s just that there are so few instance in which I am motivated to go the extra steps to actually initiate any action. And, on a related note, whenever Mr. A initiates, if I’m not in the most perfect mood, free of stress and distractions, his efforts usually come up short. I’ve become a master of evasion, excuses, and rejection. As you would probably expect, this state of affairs doesn’t exactly make for a happy marriage, in fact, it’s actively hurting both of us individually, and us as a unit.
It’s gotten to the point where I’ve considered whether something is truly wrong with me, physiologically, hormonally, or psychologically.
I mean, I’m a young woman, recently married to the man I love, with a relatively stable life and no major obstacles coming my way. According to the majority of sitcoms on TV, I should be having sex way more often than I am. Ergo, I am a failure. I am a failure of a wife, a failure of a woman, heck, a failure of a human being. Procreation should be this natural, evolutionary drive, and I seem to be stuck in neutral. Clearly, relationships are supposed to operate on a specific sexual wavelength, and I’m stuck in celibate la-la land. I’m the freak, I need to be fixed, I’m in the wrong.
From his side of things, can you imagine how much it would suck to consistently try to get the sexy wheels a-churning only to have your partner shut you down a majority of the time? When I’ve let my mind wander to what this must feel like, it’s not pretty. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be crippled with self-doubt and insecurity. How can this person claim to love me and yet be so uninterested in participating in what is widely considered to be the most extreme and intimate expression of love? Is my partner falling out of love with me? Was my partner ever in love with me in the first place? Is it my looks? Am I out of shape? And so on and so forth until the end of time.
I’ll be honest, I don’t really know what to do here. Part of me feels like I’m to blame for a lot of the strife in our relationship related to our sporadic sex lives. Another part of me thinks that a less-than-constant sex drive isn’t atypical or unusual; in fact, I’m willing to bet that more people experience this than any of us could imagine. It’s just that anyone who doesn’t want sex 24/7 feels so stigmatized that the topic never sees the light of day. Either way, I can’t help but feel as though I need to do something as I am more often than not the roadblock to an activity that would help bring me and the mister closer. At this point, I feel my only recourse is a complete and total dedication to the cause. How is it that I am willing and able to do whatever it takes to get the perfect wedding invitations, poring over fonts and colors and details for hours on end, but I’m not willing to spend a small part of my day coming together with the man I’ve pledged to love forever? When I put it into that sort of context, it becomes clear that I need to re-prioritize and consider sex to be a “must-do” item on the to-do list until it becomes more of a natural inclination. Sure, putting sex on a task list pretty much makes it as unsexy as possible, but you know what? Until I can get to a mental state of being that allows for me to naturally develop and act upon sexual urges, sometimes a little elbow grease is the best option.
I think I owe it to myself, to Mr. A, and to our marriage to put a little bit more importance on sex, but, at the same time, understand that purely because I’m not thinking about it every waking second doesn’t mean I’m broken. I’m just running at a different speed than some other people. And until TV and movies stop cramming this mantra of SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX comedic relief related to sex SEX SEX SEX down our throats, I fear that more women (and men, too!) will have similar doubts and worries about themselves and their relationships. So, if you’ve ever decided to “get through it” or flexed your “not tonight, honey” muscles, join me in rising up and declaring “Sex is good, sex is great, but I don’t need to always mate!”
Can you relate?
~~~
Catch up on all past anonymous bee posts
I AM WITH YOU! I just asked my husband what he thought of married life, and he said “Well, I thought we’d be having more sex.” I, too, have a lower sex drive. I think it just doesn’t help that entertainment tells us we should be doing it every night 3 or 4 times a night! But I also do think we as women need to gear up a bit more, even if we’re not in the mood. It IS fun, and I have the best smelling and kissing man in the world, but sometimes I’d just rather read a book…
Hey there… I just had to comment because it seems like you’re blaming yourself a lot for this issue and I think that’s the wrong direction. I’ll be the first to admit, I was a Sex and the City addict. I thought everyone’s sex life was wild and crazy and women were going at it all the time. So when ever I’d get into a real relationship, I always found myself feeling really bad about the fact that I JUST DIDN’T HAVE THAT KIND OF ENERGY! It’s taken me years to realize that everyone is different and life…even sex lives…are nothing like they are depicted on the tv or in books or anywhere else. But my advice to you is to seek out the help of a counselor…maybe even as a couple…especially if you’re not talking about this openly with your husband. I think it’ll give you some great material to work with and you’ll worth through this together. Good luck!
I was at a bachelorette party 3 years ago where we were discussing how many times a week we all had sex. The consensus was around 2-3 times a week.
I reconvened with those same ladies recently (now that we’re all better friends) and that convo came up…and we all admitted that we were lying, because one person threw out the “2x a week” number and we all felt too pressured to lie and fall in line. We all laughed that NONE of us actually “did it” that much past our first year or two of our relationships.
Anyway, without getting too intimate in this comment…I FEEL YOU. 
Here I am with the opposite issue! I am constantly thinking about it, talking about it, making the first move, etc. It’s not that he rejects my advances, it’s that he doesn’t initiate it a lot. I feel like a nympho sometimes. But in those cases where I feel like I’m the only one startin’ things, we talk about it and I make myself heard. It’s gotten a lot better, but I definitely went through those thoughts of doubt, whether I was gaining weight, wasn’t pretty enough, etc. Definitely talk it out. It gets better but he has to know what you’re thinking.
If your sex-drive does not match your spouse’s then you need to schedule that time to be together - just like you schedule your manicure or workout session… but don’t let your partner know that it’s on your schedule.
I understand what you’re going through. We were there for a while before we got married. I’m not saying it’s back to how it was way back when, but it’s definitely better now. My husband initiated a lot, and I rejected a lot. Eventually, I had to sit back and ask myself, “What is wrong?” I knew that the sex drive was in me somewhere, but it was difficult to dig up. So I tried to remember back when it was more frequent, and connect the big differences between then and now. One is that we’re a lot busier now. But another was that slowly with our comfort around each other, the romance was going out, falling out of shape, etc. Once I talked to my husband about this and let him know what I needed so that my drive would get back up, we stared working on it, and it’s getting better. No, it will probably never be like it was, but at least it’ll be better.
I encourage you to talk to your husband. See what the change was that made you get to this point, and then see how you can go about fixing it. Sex constantly isn’t key, but sex to a point that makes you happy in your relationship is.
I can totally relate. I feel like I could have written this post myself. I would love to hear other people’s feedback and ideas.
It could be something else though, talk to your doctor! Sometimes birth control messes with sex drive, hormonal imbalances, etc. There can be medical reasons that you might be able to do something about.
Take the challenge of going to bed early and commiting yourself to doing it every night. Or at least going to bed early and having a good wind down. You’ll be amazed at how much energy you have. Also, if you’re on a contraceptive, it can affect your libido in a negative way. If that’s the case, consider seeing your doctor because the hormone dosage could be wrong for your body. Exercising can help out too.
One of the most important aspects of a wedding is the wedding decoration. From wedding flowers to centerpieces, there are many elements in wedding decoration that you have to take care off. Table decorations for wedding receptions should match the theme of the wedding.
You’re so not alone! And there’s definitely nothing wrong with you! The media gives such a crazy portrayal of romantic/sexual relationships. For us, it’s a birth control thing - it just kills my sex drive and I keep hoping once I get off it I’ll want to have more sex, because my husband is seriously amazing. It’s definitely give and take for us. He’d be happy with sex everyday, I’d be happy with sex once a month (if that!). I try to make a conscious effort to be receptive once a week to sex. For us at least, it helps to plan a time in advance so I can mentally prepare/have something to look forward to.
Going off birth control was the best thing I could do for our sex life, but we both still have times where we are just too tired that night. I would say, we probably average a couple times during the week, but no matter what, we make sure we do it on the weekend, at least twice. Whether that’s twice on Saturday and none on Sunday, once on each day, or whatever, we make it happen. I feel like that way, we both know that no matter what happens during the week, we always have the weekend to look forward to
This post could have been written by me. I know exactly how you feel. And I can guess exactly how you’re DH feels - since it’s probably how my DH told me that my “coldness” made him feel.
I’m still struggling with this - but I will say that stress (big stress, everyday stress, little tiny stressors) are a LARGE part of the problem for me. My mind is constantly going. Throughout the day I’m thinking of what needs to be done next, what needs to be done when I get home, do I need to water the plants, can I start the dishwasher today, do I need to make plans for next weekend, etc etc etc. This does not make for a fun, pleasurable sexy time - I can assure you. Since starting to exercise more and get into yoga, I will say it has quieted some of this noise.
Also, hormonal BC (which I’ve been on for probably 10+ years) also didn’t help. I recently stopped using it because we’re TTC and the improvement has been remarkable. Again, not perfect, but so much better.
I don’t have a whole lot of concrete advice - please just know you’re not alone.
I deal with this a lot too, and because we’re doing an LDR until the wedding if we don’t get busy the weekends we’re together it isn’t going to happen for awhile. With higher stakes, we have a few strategies for making sure we get ‘er done:
- don’t wait till the end of the day when energy is low, go for it in the morning, midafternoon, or before going out for a romantic dinner (post-coital romantic dinnering is awesome, btw: the intimacy really helps our conversations)
- decide what day in advance and tease one another leading up to it, talk about fantasies/what you’re going to wear.
- run the gamut of non-penetrative sexytime activities when you are fooling around
- try to at least make out a bit every day (though make sure he understands that turning each other on doesn’t mean there must be sex)
Good luck fellow bees - it’s nice to know I’m not alone
If it makes you feel any better, FI and I are pretty much on a sporadic schedule. The difference, I’d hazard a guess, is that we’re a) both okay with it, mostly because b) we talk about it periodically–check in and make sure neither person feels neglected or rejected.
Have you had a talk with your Mr about how out of sync you feel? Chances are if you can have an honest discussion about it, it’ll help him to see your struggle and take the pressure off of yourself. Because the guilt you’re carrying around is probably making the situation worse.
And it wouldn’t hurt to bring this up to your doctor. Like a PP mentioned, different types of contraception can affect your hormone levels and there might be a better option out there. Or your natural chemistry could be a bit off and there may be a way to get you better in sync with him. If that’s not it, then counselling is an option, and one to be explored before this issue becomes a capital-Issue and affects your marriage.
Hang in there
I feel ya on this one, although I think (hope?) that it might have to do with my BC pill. I’ve heard that decreases your sex drive a lot!
I, too, could have written this post! You are not alone!
I don’t know about married sex, but we are 6 weeks away from the wedding, and I make an effort to have sex at least twice a week, even if I’m not especially in the mood. Why? Because it makes FI feel like he is the luckiest man in the world. Sex is really important for guys, and I can’t imagine going more then a week without having sex. Of course, if I really do NOT feel like having sex, we don’t. But chances are, I’ll feel better the next day, and we’ll have sex then.
Wow I could’ve about written that post. I can so empathize with you. I do often feel broken. I’m young, I have no kids, I am not particularly stressed, I love my husband, so why do I tense up every time he kisses me for a little too long in a “oh no he’s trying to pull something I need to change the subject” kind of way? It is crazy, it seems.
I’ve talked to my doctor about it, a lot. She thinks that it is most likely my hormonal birth control. She switched me to a different kind and I’ve seen a slight improvement (from “I basically never want to do it” to “every now and again I want to do it”). But yea… I still struggle to give it up once/week.
And the sitcoms? the WORST. I cringe every time we watch a married couple comedy because inevitably lack of sex is going to come up and its just going to 1) make me feel uncomfortable and 2) reinforce that I’m really not normal.
So… yea. I’m with ya. It sucks. 
I would hug you if I could… I have been in the EXACT same place! And stayed at that place for about 2 and a half years! Constantly telling myself that something must be wrong with me… something MUST be done. Thankfully.. I have an amazing husband who is extremely understanding. Anyways, we started trying various things… things that made me a little shy at first. I even tried strip clubs and watching movies… anyways… we found out what does it. That would be my suggestion… mine was nice PJ’s. Not gross “mom with 6 kids” PJ’s. Like Normstorms PJ’s that cover everything… but still sexy. That did it. Don’t know why… but it did it. So try everything and anything… (as long as its legal.) And you’ll find your spot again.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Anonymous Feature Launched: September 23, 2011 About: Bees explore issues related to wedding planning that they do not want to have tied to their real names/monikers.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 29 | 30 | 31 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
| 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
Latest Gallery Pics