Weddingbee Blog

I have a younger brother, and even though we weren’t the closest throughout our high school years, that all changed when I graduated (2 years ahead of him) and started to appreciate having him in my life. When he turned 18 he signed up for the army—something we always knew he would do. This was in at the end of 2002; so he attended boot camp and then got stationed, and then promptly got sent overseas in 2003 to the Iraq War. Our relationship transitioned from taking him for granted to obsessively watching the news to know what was going on. He’d send letters and call when he could and when he came home on leave, picking him up at the airport in his military garb was one of the most proudest moments in my life. It still gives me chills. He served just over a year in Iraq and the remainder of his term stationed in the US. When it came time to re-up, he chose not to. We became extremely close, we spent a lot of time together and I considered him to be one of the closest people to me, obviously. And then it started to fall apart.

Shortly after he was done serving in the army, my brother was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a direct result of his time served in Iraq.

He was unable to sleep, suffered from nightmares and was in constant pain. I tried to talk with him about what it was like and how he felt, but he shut it all out. It’s crazy that 18 year olds are being trained and groomed and handed guns, but when they have served their time, they are just released into civilian life without any guidance. I am fully aware that there is counseling available, but the percentage of men who take it, is minuscule. So between the immediate inflow of disability checks and lack of support, it’s no surprise we have so many young men suffering right now. I digress. Being a foot soldier and mortar specialist, I know he did the unspeakable and he lost friends; to this day he wears a memory bracelet for a captain that he lost.

My brother never drank before he was out of the army but he soon realized that drinking took the pain away and helped him sleep through the night. It started out with a few cocktails every now and then and quickly spiraled to drinking vodka every night. Suddenly he had multiple DUIs, he was battling depression, he couldn’t hold a job and couldn’t let go of the bottle. This has been over a 5 year period or so, and while we’ve had huge ups and huge downs, it’s most recently affected our relationship because I’m getting married.

I met Mr. Anon at the bottom of one of my brother’s spirals. Right off the bat, this jeopardized their relationship because my brother wasn’t available or around to get to know Mr. Anon like I had wanted. My brother continued to make poor decisions, including one night when he was found passed out in his running car by the police; I was so disappointed in him and chose to not speak to him for some time. This left less than a great first impression on Mr. Anon. For a few months he would avoid me and Mr. Anon, leaving my parents’ house, where he was living at the time, whenever Mr. Anon and I would go over for dinner.

Finally, we made amends after a big talk one night. I had hopes that my brother and Mr. Anon could get to know each other…and this was just after we had gotten engaged, so we were planning our wedding. I had always envisioned my brother in my wedding, standing up with my groom because they knew each other and they got along, not just because he was my brother. I discussed this with Mr. Anon and he was open to the idea, even though he “didn’t know him very well,” he wanted to make the relationship work. Over the course of six months or so, we tried to invite my brother over to ask him to be in the wedding. Each time he choose alcohol or friends over us and continued to blow us off. Mr. Anon finally got to the point he didn’t want my brother in the wedding. And, I understood why.

This became a issue with my family. They couldn’t understand how he wasn’t a part of our wedding, even though they are all first hand witnesses of my brother destructive behavior. I wondered if he would show up at all, or if he would show up trashed. At this point, the two are essentially strangers. And not strangers like they just live in different towns, strangers in that neither of them know the other. I can’t force Mr. Anon to want my brother to stand up with him and I can’t force my brother to want to be a part of our wedding. I emailed him (he doesn’t listen when confrontation is brought up) recently, expressing my sadness and pleading for him to get help and to make an effort to work on our relationship. I poured my heart out and his reply was this: “Um, okay.”

We went forward with our planning and did not include my brother as a groomsman, and he has shown no effort to correct anything. My family finally realizes why we had chosen to go this route but that didn’t make it any easier of a decision. My heart hurts from the betrayal and blatant disregard of my marriage. I’m saddened that the man I married knows nothing good of my brother, and my brother knows not a thing about the man I married. It’s something I know I will be saddened by in the future, and I believe my brother will regret it someday, too.

As for my brother’s current state, he is just coming out of a downward spiral again and has just gotten a job for the first time in months and months. When my mom sees a glimmer of hope with him, she begs me to try just one more time with him…and every time I initially balk at the idea. I’ve put effort in, I’ve tried being nice. and I’ve tried being hard. and nothing ever works. But then I remember he’s my brother and maybe someday he will return to being the brother I had before. I’m constantly torn because I know he’s embarrassed for his actions and that he has PTSD, but I also think he needs to grow a pair and start taking responsibility for his actions. My hope right now is that he will make a miraculous change. Big hopes, I know, but a girl/sister/bride can wish, right?

Has your wedding been affected by a loved one’s addictions?