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This past weekend, Mr. Snow Cone and I finally finished our thank-yous and sent them off into the world. One day short of our three-month anniversary, we were finally done. Emily Post advises:
Each wedding gift should be acknowledged with a written note within three months of receipt of the gift. It’s best to write the notes as soon as possible after gifts arrive, however. Write a note even if you have thanked the giver in person.
According to Ms. Post, we were made in the shade, by 24 whole hours. Why, then, did we feel kind of like big ol’ failures? Why, when we were celebrating our recently-completed task, did a more recently married friend squash our happiness by pointing out that she had gotten her thank-yous into the mail sooner than we had, and her wedding had occurred long after ours?
After thinking on it for a bit, here’s the conclusion I’ve reached: people need to take a chill pill when it comes to thank-you notes.
Allow me to explain.
Our wedding guest list was populated largely by people we know, adore, and are close to. Do I really buy the fact that these special people need a note card with a few sentences describing our appreciation for their attendance and gift in order to be convinced that we value this relationship? Frankly, if that is the case, I’m a little concerned about the strength of our relationship in the first place. Along the same lines, if we send a thank-you note within 6 weeks of the wedding instead of within 12 weeks of the wedding, do we love and appreciate our guests twice as much? I’m sorry, I’m just not convinced.
I understand that thank-yous are a true expectation facing all married guests. But, I think there’s too much pressure to get them out fast and compose manifestos of long, flowery notes to each and every guest. We love our family and friends, and we hope they love us back just as much, regardless of exactly when they receive their thank-you note and/or whether the note has five or ten sentences. In my mind, thank-yous are just kind of icing on the cake, a mere formality to explicitly state our appreciation. I’m not saying they should be eliminated entirely; however, maybe if people relaxed a little bit, there wouldn’t be so much pressure and stress associated with this daunting post-wedding task.
Where do you stand on thank-yous - a great opportunity to connect with guests, or another opportunity to stress out while striving to pleasing others?
I thought the etiquette was 2 weeks! If it’s 3 months then I’m setting my pen down now!!
I did mine within 2 months and even before that, a relative asked me when I was sending it out. I didn’t feel bad though. I was waiting on pro pics to use in the cards because I did a photo thank you card. Anyhow, I’ve been to a few weddings where I didn’t get a thank you card. I was a bit miffed but ehn, I’ve gotten over it. As you said, these folks are close friends and relatives and honestly, I love them too much to be hung up on thank you cards.
There is a line between freaking out because someone never sent a thank you, and not even knowing if a bride GOT her gift from you since you sent it straight to them from the store and you never got any acknowledgement they ever got it.
I am so with you, I thought the stress was supposed to stop after the wedding, geesh.
I write thank you notes for EVERYTHING, and I tend to make them personal… because someone took THEIR personal time to do something for me. I believe that should receive the proper acknowledgment. I think people receive so little real mail that isn’t junk and credit card offers that a sweet hand-written note is a nice pick-me-up for most people! I don’t think it takes that much time to divide them up and write a few each evening to get them done. As for the comment that people don’t even know if their gift is received - I totally agree and it’s why I support thank you notes.
But, I realize I’m in the minority. I also use my Christmas cards as a time to write long notes to people that I might not speak to regularly throughout the year.
I do agree, I think getting thank you cards out 3 months or 4 months doesnt really matter. Getting thank yous out at all is what is important!
Mind you, we would have had ours out by now but we are still waiting for the photographer to print them!
I have to say, I think 3 months is a decent amount of time, and I would never point out to someone that they should send thank yous sooner. However, I do think thank you notes are important, even to those with whom you spend lots of time, etc. Why? Because these people took time out of their busy schedule, picked out a gift for us (or bought one off our registry - which can be even more annoying), and spent money to buy it and wrap it, then they went to the trouble of getting it to us in some way. So I can certainly take 3 minutes to write them a sincere thank you note that personally acknowledges their gift…it’s the least I can do. =)
I agree. I would rather take longer than write “Thanks for ____ gift. Love, Bride and Groom” on everyone. And does your friend want a cookie?
Im definitely a crazy nut about thank you cards, but I can completely understand where you are coming from. It is time consuming, and I think it is better to take some extra time to write thoughtful notes instead of whipping out the same cookie cutter card. Let’s face it, we all have crazy busy lives. Its not like we sit around all day eating bon bons and have time to instantly whip out thank you cards. I think the way you did it is just perfect and totally acceptable! 
There is actually a thread going on right now about thank you notes and I’m really shocked at how people seem to feel about thank yous. I may sound like I’m old (which I’m not) or old fashioned but I don’t think a simple written thank you (no matter how many you have to write) will ever be old fashioned. You state above “I’m not saying they should be eliminated entirely”…All I can say is: Really?! You think they shoudl be eliminated? I agree that people need to chill about thank you note timelines but when people send out ty’s a year after their wedding… come on. Yes, better late than never but really? A year later?
It seems like our society is all about “i want, i need, etc etc”. And brides are like “i have the honeymoon, work, new house, kids, life is getting in the way, etc etc,”. So we have all these things to do but no room for a simple thank you? A thank you to the people who took the time to congratulate and be there for us when we took our vows that includes all of these things that make us too busy to write a simple thank you?
Most people I know, appreciate a note no matter how simple or short it is. Do our loved ones feel any less bc we may not write a ty? Probably not but what happened to common courtesy and appreciation? If they took the time to pick you out a gift, spend their money on you, attend your wedding, then what is so hard about spending an hour each day to thank them for that?
Take all the time you want, but please, please, please write something on the card…
Recently I received a thank you note that consisted of a photo collage with a type written thank you in the middle. They didn’t even write my name on the note.
I wanted to write thank-yous to tell our guests we were glad they came to celebrate with us, especially because we didn’t get a chance to tell them all in person. It definitely took us a long time to get them all out though! I don’t think it matters how quickly they go out, just as long as they do!
I think some people are too picky about how soon they get out - I mean, really, sometimes life gets in the way. But I do think they’re really important. People spent their time and money choosing something to give you in honor of your wedding, and acknowledging that gift is necessary. Not to do so at all is rude.
I just had a family member tell me that she sent out a thank you card but that someone at the post office had stolen a box of mail. If I didn’t receive a thank you, then mine must have been in that box. Should I believe that? I had to travel, get a hotel, and gave a generous monetary gift. What do you think??
To be honest, I disagree. Not with the fact that your friend was rude– getting them out in 6 weeks versus 3 months, etc is nitty-picky and not polite at all to mention.
However, I think people spend lots of time and money on celebrating a wedding and deserve to know how thankful you were through a written thank you note.
I know it takes a lot of time to write each individual thank you note (and my husband had terrible handwriting so I had to do every last one!), but I think it is important. Sometimes our generation is too focused on what is easy for us. Yes, your family and close friends will love you even if you don’t send a timely thank-you (or one at all), but it is definitely rude and gives off the impression that you (generic you, not “you, Snow Cone”) aren’t appreciative. Just my opinion!
I seem to be in the minority and yes I will send out thank-you’s probably the week after the wedding and they will be personal. But I really don’t see al the fuss. I feel like you give a gift with no expectation back.
And I wonder do people feel this way about all gifts…. christmas, birthday, housewarming etc?
I don’t understand all the problems and complaints about thank yous either. If it takes 3 months to get them done then I think that is okay, if you get them done in 2 weeks Wonderful - if they are sent out a little late, who cares. The point is, take the time to write a thank you and don’t complain to your guests about having to write them.
I’m with you Mrs. Snow Cone. I think sending them is an important gesture, but sending them at 6 weeks versus 12 weeks does not mean that you love them twice as much. Getting married is a big deal and if the couple is moving in together, changing names, and taking care of multitude of tasks, thank you notes might not be on the to-do list of your first month of marriage!
I think thank you notes are super important, maybe because I was raised with my parents making me write them after every birthday, Christmas, etc. Now I do them on my own, and I enjoy it! Like a lot of other commenters said, people took time our of their lives to select a gift or to even just show up, and the least we can do is acknowledge that. And whenever I get a thank you note in the mail, it makes me feel great.
You mentioned that you’re not sure thank you notes are neccessary to validate your relationships, but for me, it’s precisely the fact that I DO value my relationships that I send out thank you notes. It’s not that hard to write a note to let the people who love you know that you love them too.
But yes, calling someone out for sending them out in 12 weeks versus 6 is dumb and petty. Some people just don’t have anything better to do that compare themselves with others, I guess.
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Mrs. Snow Cone, Pittsburgh/Johnstown, PA Age and Occupation: 23, Public Health Graduate Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 23, Engineer Engagement Date: April 9, 2010 Wedding Date: August 2011 Venue: OMOS Church ceremony/Sunnehanna Country Club reception About Me: I’m one of the lucky ones---I met my future husband at the ripe old age of 13, started dating him as a mature woman of 15, and have been enjoying the ride ever since. Here we are, 8 years later, living in Pittsburgh, planning a "homestination" wedding in the place our school romance began---Johnstown, PA. I thrive on talking a mile a minute, eating my weight in chocolate, and internet shopping. I love a lengthy to-do list almost as much as I love a healthy amount of chaos in my life. Mr. Snow Cone and I watch countless episodes of Friends and The West Wing on repeat, root for rival college sports teams, and make each other laugh each and every day. We’re putting together a small-town wedding with a big personality and a classically modern (or modernly classic?) look for 250 of our closest family and friends. It’s been 8+ years in the making, and sometimes I still can’t believe I’m finally getting to marry my high school sweetheart!
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