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As I was packing my bag in anticipation of our trip to see our friends get married, I started thinking about the interesting phenomenon of brides at other people’s weddings. Now, I don’t mean the time when my best friend K., who lives in NYC, saw nine different bridal parties in one corner of Central Park on a holiday weekend. And I don’t mean the situation that occurred in the chick flick Bride Wars, where one of the characters crashes her frenemy’s wedding and tackles her in the middle of the aisle.
Image via Amazon / Screenshot from Bride Wars
What I am talking about is when a soon-to-be bride attends another bride’s wedding. Personally, I find that since being engaged and planning my own wedding I have grown much more observant at weddings. Now I notice how tall the centerpieces are or whether there is uplighting or if there is a photo booth (or faux-to booth). I take note of the font on invitations, the type of flowers in the bouquet, and the handwritten signs in the grass.
The danger, of course, is that my keen eye turns overly critical. Or that I start to feel competitive in some way: which wedding is better, mine or hers? Sometimes I cringe when I watch television shows like Four Weddings and I hear some of the contestants’ critiques. I give this wedding a six because I hated the color of the cake and the first dance to country music was weird. Really? That gives the wedding a 60% grade—an F? Now that sounds like a real bride war.
So, this weekend, I am going to do everything I can to turn off my bridal brain and soften my eye for wedding details. I am going to focus on the feeling in the ceremony, not necessarily the form that it takes. I am going to concentrate on the fun noise of the reception, not whether or not I like big band or jazz or country or the electric slide. I am going to enjoy this wedding like I hope our guests will enjoy ours.
I am also going to enjoy some of the Florida sun! See you guys soon.
Has being engaged and planning your wedding changed your experience at or expectations of other people’s weddings? How so?
Love this post and it is so true, but I have to say I’ve had a eye for all this before I was engaged. Not to be critical though, more so for inspiration.
However the worse is going to a wedding and hearing another bride talk non-stop about what she plans to do better or different. At my sister’s wedding my soon to be SIL did this. I wanted to stick a pencil in my ear. Who’s day was it again.
I definitely notice more when people put a lot of work into their weddings than I used to, but the things I noticed MOST before planning my own wedding and after are pretty much the same: was the ceremony moving, and do I have to pay for my drink. 
Planning a wedding has changed me completely at weddings! I notice EVERYTHING. I even glance at my watch to see how they are timing everything. So obnoxious. Good reminder to turn it off, sit back, relax and enjoy the couple 
Maybe I’m just broken, but I feel like being a bride has made me less critical as a wedding guest. I never was overly critical before, but there were definitely weddings I went to and thought, “Hm, I don’t think I’d do that at my own wedding.” Now I understand that each couple is different and wants different things on their wedding, and each couple has to make sacrifices, and maybe those things I’d be inclined to criticism were something they chose to sacrifice in lieu of something “better.” I’m also very aware that ultimately, a wedding isn’t about the guests. Sure the bride and groom are happy we’re there, and they want us to have a good time. But ultimately, the wedding is the one day that is truly about them, the one day they can do everything their way, not mine. And I’m glad everyone doesn’t do it my way–it makes me feel like our wedding was something special and particular to us.
I agree, since I’ve become engaged I have been more observant at other people’s weddings.. I am more interested in seeing what they are doing, and what different touches they added.. Or like “hey they didn’t do programs.. or no favors etc..”
I admit sometimes I am critical with some of their choices, like if it’s something I wouldn’t have done.. But it does make me appreciate the extras they do (like DIY) since I know it’s a lot of work.. But I am kind of competitive, like when I found out our MC’s now sister in law was doing the same colors as me, I definitely paid attention to their wedding to make sure it wasn’t too similar.
@knvprincess143: Haha, I totally hear you. I never say anything about the wedding at the wedding itself — unless it is unquestionably positive, like “the bride is gorgeous” or “I love the centerpieces” — though I will sometimes talk to Mr. Mole in the car on the way home. Poor Mr. Mole has been hearing about lots of different weddings recently.
@Mrs. Spaniel: I am also concerned about whether or not I get to eat dinner! Haha.
@JessicaBee12: I think it’s natural, to some extent. When you are really wrapped up in something, you tend to get stuck focusing on it. Mr. Mole likes to make fun of me when I am training for races since I always point out other runners!
@Mrs. Parasol: What a refreshing viewpoint! I have to admit that in planning I have been really focusing on our guests in terms of how I plan the reception. I need to remind myself that I can make parts of the day about us.
@SportsGal: I feel the same way when I see DIY items! Planning this wedding has really reinforced how horrible I am at crafting things, so I definitely respect those who are great at it!
I noticed the details and all the work the couple put into the wedding a lot more after I was engaged! And I danced a lot more, knowing how important a packed dance floor is
Oh my goodness, planning a wedding made me WAY more attentive about weddings in general. And now I understand why they are so damn important and stressful to brides.
The worst thing for me at weddings pre-hand was being overly critical of the dress and hair/makeup of the bride. (Ok, her whole look). I was just so interested what other women were doing because I was concerned about my own upcoming look… and a lot of the times I didn’t like other brides’ dress selections. (Especially Swiss styles which I just don’t gravitate to in the bridal realm…)
@Mrs. Pony: I figure that I am best off the dance floor, given my lack of skills. Haha.
@Mrs. Funnel Cake: I keep looking for makeup inspiration! Makeup is not something that I wear all of the time, and it’s something that I struggle with. I can do a very basic, “natural” look — and that’s it!
I think I enjoy and appreciate weddings a lot more now. I also use to be pretty awful and judge people’s registries. Now I understand and feel really bad about that.
I was TOTALLY guilty of this pre-wedding. Now that it’s over, I’ve relaxed - because I know how frigging hard it is to plan ANY wedding, so I always cut brides some slack.
I don’t know…I thought it was really helpful to attend other weddings while I was in the planning process. So my critical eye wasn’t focused on judging how good or bad of a job the bride had done, but rather, how would this work at my wedding sort of things. I think its possible to evaluate the success or failure of things without judging them in a mean way. And I think if something bad or good happened at my wedding I would want my friends and family to note it to themselves so that they could learn from the experience and have a better experience at their own weddings.
I definitely notice things a lot more and I make sure to tell the bride - I love your centrepieces, the guest book is so fun, etc. If I notice it and like it, I am sure to say so! I think you are also more keen to get involved, I always sign the guest book!
LOL Mrs. Spaniel! I always notice cash bars too!
I personally love being able to see what other bride-friends are doing.. not so much to compare, but to get ideas and more inspiration! (I also love Four Weddings for that reasons! I agree some are overly critical, but I always love seeing all the different style weddings.) It’s hard to turn that “bride brain” off, but hey, I don’t think anyone but a bride-to-be would notice ALL the little details that go into making the wedding perfect, you know?!
Four Weddings makes me sad because the women tend to judge others based on their own point of view, rather than the inherent awesomeness of the event. ie. I hate country music, so you get a 6 rather than, I don’t like country music, but I see how it works for this couple.
I like to play a game where I try guess which details were important to the bride based on how prominent they are, (or how expensive).
Planning my own wedding has actually made me less critical! I’ve come to appreciate how much a plated dinner costs, and no longer would turn my nose up at a buffet. Or I’ve come to appreciate just how much time every small detail takes, or how hard it is to get things to go according to schedule, and will no longer be that grumbling guest who thinks the food should come faster, or the couple should take fewer pictures
@Miss Raccoon: Gah, the registries were so difficult to do! I am ambivalent about some of the stuff on ours, but I don’t want to go back and fix them!
@Mrs. Jaguar: True. I went into thinking planning this wedding was just like planning a big dinner party. It’s obviously a bit more complicated.
@lisaelanna: I think its a difference between having a critical (as in discerning) eye and a critical (as in disapproving) eye. The former is great; the latter, not so great!
@Mrs. Teaspoon: The last wedding I went to I couldn’t find the guestbook! I still am wondering if they had one or not.
@Cecilia: Or, minimally, you notice them when you are asked for money! Ha.
@Miss Fox: It’s definitely true that bride brain makes you notice more things. When my best friend K got married a couple of years ago, I was in charge of picking up the cake — and I barely paid any attention to what it looked like! Now, I definitely scrutinize wedding cakes for inspiration.
@friedicecream: I love that idea for a game! I wonder what people will guess for our wedding.
@szaerpoor: There is something to be said about sympathy, isn’t there! I guess that is one place that I have gotten kinder: I don’t mind the gap between ceremony and reception as much because I know how long pictures can take. (Now I am talking about a reasonable gap, though!)
Good post. I keep watching bridal shows and have decided what that couple picked is what they want. I don’t have to like it.
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Mrs. Mole, Los Angeles/Las Vegas Age and Occupation: 29, Test Prep Instructor Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, User Experience Architect Engagement Date: April 2011 Wedding Date: January 2012 Venue: Wynn Las Vegas/Bouchon Bistro About Me: I’m a Wisconsinite-turned-Angeleno who is planning a destination wedding in Las Vegas. I am passionate about education: I spent 23 (!) consecutive years in school, and now I work to help other people get into graduate programs. I love running on the treadmill, buying bath products from Lush, learning new moves in step aerobics, and exploring my neighborhood on foot. I am sometimes snobby about food, but I am rarely snobby about books. I read everything from Geoffrey Chaucer to Iris Murdoch to Chuck Klosterman to Candace Bushnell. My fiance and I are getting married on our third anniversary!
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