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Welcome to another edition of Miss Unicycle Getting Real. (I’ll get back to the engagement pics soon!) I’ve gone on a few business trips this year, and Mr. Unicycle and I usually spend the whole weekend texting variations of “I miss you” to each other when I’m away. (I’m not sure why I miss him more when I’m in Utah than when I’m in Illinois, because either way we’re not in the same state. But it happened.) This got me thinking about attachment and what’s “normal” in a relationship.
The other day I made the mistake of musing to Mr. Unicycle that I wished I could be more independent and not miss him so much when we’re apart. This hurt his feelings, because he thought I was implying that the only reason I stay with him is because I can’t be without him (“I wish I knew how to quit you!”). I didn’t mean it this way at all—though if you really think deeply about love, isn’t that essentially what it is?—and I had to sit and think about what it was that I actually did mean. I had ample time to think about it while on the plane coming home from my bidniz trip, and I came up with three main points. Yes, this is a five-paragraph essay. I miss English class. 
I’ve spent most of my relationship with Mr. Unicycle worrying that I was too dependent on him but, would you believe it, as I’ve gotten better at being apart, I’ve actually started worrying that this is a bad sign too. I assume that when I’m 60 years old and a friend invites me on a scrapbooking cruise or something I’ll leap at the opportunity to be away from Mr. Unicycle and his leaving the toilet seat up, dirty socks on the floor, and other sitcom-inspired habits. I definitely don’t want to fast forward to that time!
I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with attachment and separation! Am I “normal”? Does this blog post make me seem weak? Do I care?
I understand your point of view. I’ve had to “give up” or put on hold certain plans of mine because my fiance is in the Army. I do plan to go to grad school and have a career, while many Army wives choose to stay at home because it can be easier.
I definitely miss my FI anytime we’re apart — even just working during the day, we still text and talk via Gtalk. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, though, since we still do things independently. You’re not alone in the feeling though 
Amen! You hit the nail on the head, at least for me. I feel like so many of your above points have been drilled into us as children, so that we’ll grow up to be “independent women,” but it’s difficult to grapple with all these conflicting thoughts!
This is a great post! I spent most of my young adult life thinking that I didn’t want to be tied down by marriage. When I met Mr. Aardvark and fell in love with him those feelings of needing someone else were new and scary and it has taken me awhile (and still going!) to figure them out and how my independent lady self fit in with that. Thank you for writing this!
I like to think of myself as a feminist, and back when I was still a teenager, I never pictured myself giving up anything for a guy. It’s not that I didn’t want to fall in love, because I did, I just knew I wasn’t going to sacrifice any part of myself or my interests just to hold on to a guy.
Fast forward a decade later, some would say I did just that by marrying a military man (a career one, at that). I guess my viewpoints have adapted — I believe it’s normal to experience some sacrifices (and some introduction to new things!) when you’re essentially meshing two lives together into one. It’s still hard at times for me to accept that as a couple we’ve put his career over mine, but I also have to understand that I’m experiencing some wonderful things and meeting great people, and life isn’t always about your job title.
It’s such a fine line when it comes to the separations, though. On one hand, you need your husband, and there’s such an ache in your chest when he’s out, but on the other hand, you have to push all of that aside and “become stronger” so you can get through the day. Then when he comes home, you have to work through your “I can do this on my own” mantra and re-accept him into your life. It’s hard!
I really don’t have any actual advice for you, but you definitely aren’t alone in these kinds of feelings. It’s a work in progress for a lot of us, I’d imagine =)
My husband and I were long distance (Texas to Ireland) for 5 years. Every summer we had, we spent it traveling to see each other. I missed a trip to new york with a music group I was in, I missed a lot of orientation things my first year of college because he was still in the States for another two weeks… and yet we wouldn’t change anything! we knew we had to put in the time for a long distance relationship to work. And work it did!
I understand what you’re saying. When we moved to Spain, I knew that I was going to largely give up my independence (not having a car) and I’ll have to live my life around Mr. Socks’ schedule. Some days it’s really hard. Some days, I’m really frustrated about having to depend on him for so much.
But at the same time, I know that I wouldn’t want to make this leap in another country with anyone else. I believe that you should be able to maintain a sense of identity when you’re in a relationship, even if you do give up some of your independence. Holding on to who I am, my strong ideals, my goals and dreams helps me through some of those days!
I know exactly what you are saying. I have weighed the same things in my head and for my life. I have moved around the country by packing up my Jeep my dog and cat and taking off as soon as a job offer came in to an area “that might be interesting” I worked hard building my career, taking chances and seeing the parts of the country I could on my own. I moved places that I knew No One and I loved my life. That is no longer my life. I now move because I’m asked to, and my job although fun is not what I have worked the past 13 years for. (No Offense taken at all by what you said or think) Its not weak to give up your own life for someone else. I’ve given up career, my pick up and go life (yes, I moved more than the Army) most of my possessions, which were not a lot due to the constant moving, I gave up my fabulous resume, I gave up most of myself. It takes a strong person to do all of that and still smile. The old saying “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” I think is a little bit of crap but it does make you appreciate what you have - it makes us realize what we have to lose. Miss away, and dream of all the to-dos, you may get to do them together, its not the same, It’ll be Better!!
I know you didn’t mean to say anything rude or offend anyone but Its not easier staying home, finishing school, building a career, they are wonderful things and many spouses have wanted and worked on doing the same - Not all Posts and Bases will have the job or career you are seeking, sometimes after a few deployments you are just wanting to be home when they walk in that door. congrats to you on you upcoming wedding.
I think its normal to feel this way. I know I have thought about all these things.
@ERL501: Nicely said!
Holy heck I get this. I gave up my life in America to move to Switzerland and be a nanny so I could be near Mr. Funnel Cake. And sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sad or lonely when he goes away on business, but I just want to be near him so damn much!
The best thing about the compromises you make with each other is to remember and appreciate what you do for one another to remain together. It reminds you why the other person is so important to you! It’s definitely hard work sometimes!
Only really bad friends/girls would judge you for putting your husband’s career above your own. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean you have to be a stay-at-home wife, but for most women, the husband’s job is higher-paying and so schedules/living arrangements will tend to revolve around him. You can fight it, or you can see it as a blessing that all of the support of the family doesn’t depend on you. Your choice.
This was such a great post.. Thank you! My FI and I went from living together to living 3 hours apart when I left for school. We’re reunited again, but I was miserable the entire time and hated myself for missing him so much. Was I really *that girl*??
Now I know that I’m not because I DID do a study abroad program while we were dating and have gone on multiple vacations with my girlfriends without him.
I will say that it’s so hard to try and strike the balance between you as an individual and you as a couple. 6 years later and we still work on it all the time.
You have put into words the feelings I had when we were in an LDR. So thank you.
Hi Miss Unicycle!
Don’t get too down on yourself. It’s wonderful that you have found a love like that I definitely understand how you feel because I always miss my guy. The more I see him, the worse it gets! I always told myself I wasn’t going to be in this kind of relationship, but you know what - it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in & my family/friends love him.
I can really identify with what you’re saying because I have been working on this recently in my own relationship. I think the key to having a successful relationship (and I’m not married but I at least know about long-term relationships) is to make time for the activities and people you would if you were single. It might be hard to remember 
Do you ever get a spark of your “old life” if you spend an evening/weekend with girlfriends or pick up a hobby/activity you used to love? You have to nurture that part of you and make time for it. (It’s good for your guy too)
If you haven’t connected with friends in a while, make a point to call an old friend once a week or make plans with a friend this month. Maybe your friends would agree to meeting one day a week for drinks/chatting after work. If there’s a hobby/interest/activity/book, spend an hour or two one day a week working on that. A couple of things that I really like are sewing and finding new music. I am going to sign up for a drawing class in the Spring because it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.
We do start to meld into each other in relationships & part of what keeps us fulfilled is nuturing our independent selves. It’s not so much about how much time you spend with your person and learning to spend less time with them, but more about making some intentional time for yourself. Example: Instead of hanging out on the couch together, go upstairs and work on something you enjoy or go out on a little shopping trip for a couple hours. You’ll be that much happier to see each other when you get back. It’s hard at first but once you start getting into something, you feel good & more connected with who you are. I think you bring more to the table in a relationship that way.
You know how they always say you have to be happy with yourself to be happy with someone else? It sounds like there are some things you might want - I mean, you can’t go back and study abroad but you can visit friends on the weekends once in a while. As far as being weak, I wouldn’t worry about what other people think. Everytime I start to worry about what other people think, I lose sight of what I want & feel even less confident, more frustrated and confused. You know what makes you happy & you know what is best for your life. If you focus on that, you’ll know your strength. Sorry for the novel response. As I write this, I’m reminding myself to follow my own advice
Oh Miss U, I hear you on this one. I worked my butt off to get where I am in my career and in my life but I’d give it up in a second if the alternative was to spend a lot of time apart from my FI. I was always brought up to be extremely independent and I’m constantly worrying that my mother won’t approve if I decide to stay home and be a mom rather than work at my 60-hour/week job. I’m a huge advocate of feminism, but doesn’t being a strong woman include being able to make decisions that make YOU happy and don’t just fit the “expectations”? Maybe I want to be a more ‘old fashioned’ wife!
I miss you and I don’t even know you.
@KatSD13: I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this! I don’t know why I thought I was…
@Miss Moneypenny: Great advice! I am definitely enjoying time to develop new hobbies since being apart from Mr. U, and I hope to keep them up once we live together!
@miss mechanical: Excellent point! I will have to keep reminding myself of that!
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Miss Unicycle, Chicago, IL Age and Occupation: 23, Editor for a Web Publishing Company Fiance's Age and Occupation: 23, MD/PhD Student Engagement Date: March 26, 2011 Wedding Date: June 2012 Venue: Bridges of Poplar Creek About Me: I’m a writer by trade who likes analyzing pop culture, making fun of celebrities, and laughing until I cry. I’m the queen of half-assed crafts, and there’s nothing I won’t try to DIY. You can usually find me reading blogs on my laptop in front of a good Lifetime movie, wine in hand. I’m planning a polka-dotted summertime wedding to my physics geek college sweetheart, and when I’m not making stupid puns I’m freaking out about my wedding timeline.
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