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Mr. Funnel Cake presented my (personally picked out) engagement ring to me in late June, 2010, and the next week I was flying to the US for my brother’s wedding where I excitedly showed off my new status symbol to my family and friends. My parents commended me for choosing such a modest ring and I was told several times what a great choice my dainty ring was.
MOH checking out the ring at SIL FC’s wedding!
(Personal photo)
I loved my ring, and still do, but when I started looking for wedding band ideas on Weddingbee later that summer, I couldn’t help but notice everyone’s very large engagement rings paired with their wedding bands.
I began to have a little ring regret.
I know it’s shameful (or even shallow?), but seeing other women’s engagement rings with 5-20X as many carats as mine gave me some serious diamond envy. Had I been too hasty making my decision about the engagement ring because I wanted to get one in time to show my family on my trip?
Part of the reason why I had chosen such a small ring was not only for the attractive price or the convenient low profile of the setting, but also because I was hoping to get a more elaborate wedding ring. As you might remember, Mr. Funnel Cake was not expecting me to want two rings and he couldn’t understand why engagement rings should ever be more expensive than a wedding ring. So when I decided on the smaller of my two choices, I was keeping the wedding band decision in mind. But after Mr. FC bought what I felt was a very affordable engagement ring, he suddenly liked the idea of wedding rings costing less than engagement rings and suggested we get simple gold bands. At the time, I felt like he was just trying to do things as cheaply as possible and not for cultural reasons.
I began to become concerned about what kind of wedding band would complement my tiny unique ring and was upset in general with the whole ring decision process. Shopping for engagement rings together had been more awkward and tense than fun and I wasn’t looking forward to repeating the process. Mr. Funnel Cake had made a few remarks about how much he spent on my engagement ring because he was still a little peeved he had to buy me two rings, which of course upset me because I knew how little he had spent compared to all my friends and family’s engagement rings and I had offered to help pay for the rings with him in the first place.
The money shouldn’t really matter, but let’s be honest—it did. And we were both upset about the whole thing. Mr. Funnel Cake thought I should have waited until after my US visit to choose a ring I was certain about and not the ring I thought he wanted me to choose. It had just been so important to me to have the ring before I saw my family for what would be my only visit before our wedding. (I still don’t regret getting it in time for that trip!)
We both received a fair amount of harsh criticism for our opposing views. Some thought Mr. Funnel Cake was “an ass” for trying to impose his one-ring tradition on me, while others thought I simply wasn’t embracing his Swiss culture by insisting on two rings. Some thought Mr. Funnel Cake was just being a penny pincher and some thought I was completely ungrateful that Mr. FC even bought me a ring when he doesn’t place emotional value on them like I do. The main advice I received was to pressure him to upgrade my engagement ring (which I didn’t want to do at all) or to suck it up and have a German one-ring style wedding band. Others suggested we cut to the chase and break up!!
Many people forgot that this culture clash wasn’t a black and white issue. It wasn’t a question of choosing his culture vs. my culture but a decision about how to figure out a compromise that would work for us. This might have been the first time we had totally opposite views on an important step in life, but it certainly won’t be the last. (Hello child-rearing?)
Mr. Funnel Cake said we should just blame nature on our different views and we agreed that when we picked out the wedding ring I had better be SUPER sure that it was what I really, really, really wanted. Let me reiterate that I really did not want a new engagement ring, I just wanted a fantastic wedding band to go with it!
The ironic part of our two-rings vs. one ring disagreement was that later on I noticed that Mr. Funnel Cake’s mother had a solitaire diamond ring that looked suspiciously like an engagement ring. I asked her what this ring was, and she told that on her wedding day, Mr. Funnel Cake’s father had given her the diamond solitaire as a present to accompany her wedding band. So she may have not had an “engagement ring,” but Mr. Funnel Cake’s mother sure as hell got her diamond ring! I guess Mr. Funnel Cake’s father promised to give her a bigger diamond for it every year, but after three years of upgrades his wallet was hurting. 
With further insight into Swiss culture, I found that many of my Swiss colleagues at work also had engagement and wedding rings. They claimed they want diamonds as much as Americans do! We do have friends who wore traditional rings on their right hands during the engagement, but even they bought another set of bands to wear on the left hands after marriage. And by the time we ended up purchasing our wedding bands… guess who did not want to wear his on his right hand as his tradition dictates?
In the end, we both compromised the traditions our parents set to do things a little backwards in both cultures. I got my dream rings, and Mr. Funnel Cake got to spend the rest of the engagement sans ring… much to my chagrin. You can’t believe how much I wanted to put that ring on his finger after all those months! I also told FC he was off the hook for a “diamond solitaire wedding gift” like his mother received, but that I would sure appreciate one if he felt so inclined to buy one. 
Did you and your SO have any disagreements about rings? Is anyone else a victim of diamond envy in the wedding world?
Oooh, sounds like you guys did well to compromise - now I want to see these rings!!!
I did not get the US traditional diamond ring. My fiance gave me the same story - “it’s not custom to give diamond rings here” but after checking out Argentina’s wedding site, they certainly do get engagement rings! Definitely not as big or expensive as the US… my future mother in law and sister in law nearly fainted when I told them how much my brother spent for his wife.
But I’ve never been too crazy about jewelry or diamonds so I didn’t really mind… but I did want *something*. He bought me a nice infinity band to use as an engagement ring and I’m perfectly happy with the solid plain gold wedding band (I actually wouldn’t have the band any other way…) I love my engagement ring, and I wouldn’t say I’m disappointed, but in a lot of ways it wasn’t what I had envisioned. He didn’t even want to do the formal proposal. 
I love my guy, but romance and details are not his forte and this “custom” thing is just an excuse! They’ve seen movies… they should know!
I do miss never having gotten “a rock” while everyone else has theirs… but when I think about it, it’s a lot of money, not really practical, and not really affordable at this time, either. Maybe for an anniversary in the future when we can actually afford it I might get my ‘dream ring.’ 
I think there’s a lot pressure to keep up with the fairy-tale that engagement rings are supposed to be, and overall people put too much importance into it. Sure it’s nice to have, but I think our expectations are shaped a lot by the media and jewelry sellers to make us all feel like we deserve and need the biggest diamond possible. And when our friends have it, it’s hard not to want it too!
Wow, what a story. I’m so glad the both of you were able to figure it out! SO and I didn’t necessarily disagree on the ring situation, but more so the culture clash was in the generation prior. His mother is Korean and she stated that it was traditional for the groom’s parents to get the engagement ring. We wanted to pick out our own… In the end we have two rings… It’s really a blessing, but it created some mega tension at the time…
I’m really tired, but this is a topic that really interests me, so I am going to try to be as cohesive as possible…
I wasn’t prepared to have ring envy, but I did. It’s not that I wanted a 2 ct stone or a ring dripping in diamonds–– I’m much more casual than that–– it’s just when I figured out that rings under a quarter carat are advertised as promise rings, I had a little bit of a pity party. I never told FI, as he would have been crushed, but I did have regrets. I regretted that I got involved with the ring shopping at all. I was so sick of waiting for engagement that we picked a ring the first time we went shopping together, and I picked it because 1. it was pretty, and 2. it was cheap(er).
I had dreamed about something filigree and detailed, but had simply stopped caring, as long as my waiting agony could end. Paired with a jeweller who wrecked the ring, replaced the diamond without telling me, etc… I wasn’t loving the whole situation and felt gypped. Because my ring wasn’t a $10,000 stunner, the jeweller didn’t care, didn’t give me proper attention and that stung. This ring I had waited years for was viewed as something much less than what it should have been.
Long story short, I’ve realized that I can have any other filigree/detailed jewellery that I want, costume jeweller, silver, etc… and that my ring has classic, clean lines, a very well cut centre stone (.20 ct) and it really has a beautiful simplicity about it. At some point, I finally fell in love with it and I think it’s fantastic.
I picked out my ring but found an incredible one like 8 months after we got engaged. I still love my ring and don’t want the other one. And why can’t you have two rings? You’re American, haha.
I’ve been following your posts for a while. Your commentary on inter-cultural relationships is interesting. I have to say that you will probably regret a lot of what you’ve posted as you get older, especially if you plan to spend your adult life in Europe. Forcing American consumerism on someone from a different culture is not exactly admirable.
The obsession with a large “fairy princess” diamond seems to be a particular sticking point with you. I find it curious that someone who is otherwise interested in modernism and minimal Swiss design is so stuck on such an old-fashioned, sexist “tradition.” I hope for both you and your husband’s sake that you get over it!
@European:
“Forcing American consumerism on someone from a different culture is not exactly admirable.” Seriously? The poster and her fi compromised. That’s what healthy couples do. She didn’t demand a large “fairy princess” diamond. Yes, the ring is a thing, and it’s not a need, it’s a want. I see why people from other cultures may find that materialistic. But they’re in an intercultural relationship, and there are times when compromises will need to be made. The OP did not make any extravagant demands, I think you need to lighten up a little.
When I received my ring (a just about 1 carat pear cut solitaire on a white gold band) I was so in love with it. I couldn’t stop staring at it. I had no idea the sizes of rings that women wear these days… Or the gaudiness of them. Personally I wanted something simple and classy. But now seeing everyone’s 4-5 carat diamonds with bands covered in diamonds I must admit I get a little ring jealousy all the time, even though this is the one I told my fiance I wanted.
However, I think it has been a very valuable lesson for me. Just because “everyone else” has these huge engagement rings, doesn’t mean it’s whats right, required… Or practical. What really matters is that I have an amazing man who treats me like gold! You can have a wedding band with no diamond(s) in it and have a happy marriage that lasts forever, and you can have a 5 carat ring and a marriage that falls apart quite quickly, or visa versa. I’ve had to teach myself that the extra money and comfort, and not going into debt over a ring is more important than what other women might think of my ring. I love it (and my fiance!) so much, and that’s all that really matters.
Glad you guys figured it out!
@sugarpeach: Glad you also got something that worked out for the two of you! Every time I think about how annoying it would be to stuff a big ring into mittens or pockets, I’m so happy with how unobtrusive my e-ring is!
@colli459: oh wow, I can imagine how tense that would be having to include your in-laws in the ring decision process!
@Future Army Wife: It’s easy to keep looking after you’ve got something, isn’t it? Like rings, there were really pretty wedding dresses after I’d bought mine but I was also really happy with the dress I got. It’s just hard to turn off the search brain sometimes.
@Tayylin: It’s a little upsetting that companies would try to make women feel like smaller rings are a lower-status for their relationship. How rude! At some point I’d told Mr. FC I’d rather have no ring at all than fight about it. You are totally right that rings don’t indicate how long a marriage will last! (Ahem like Miss Kardashian…) Your pear solitaire sounds gorgeous though! Congratulations on your engagement!
I distinctly remember thinking “so the plot thickens” where your mil’s ring came into play, loved it! I find this story entertaining and charming, very well done because lets face it no matter how hard we may try we are all human and we all feel things like this whether we admit it(you) or pretend we never felt that way (aka a lie). Lol
This is upsetting. I want to help… here’s my secret:
FU DeBeers!!
This is a great, honest post! Glad you were able to work it out to your mutual satisfaction!
This is a great post, I have kind of the opposite problem. I kind of wish I could have a smaller diamond.
I asked my fiance to pick out my ring by himself. I wanted to wear what reflected him and what he knew of me. Mine is gorgeous! Its Big, sparkly, and it is a reflection of what he wants for me. Note ‘What He Wants For Me’ I know he wants the best for me, I am not a flashy, bling, big diamond kind of girl. I find it a little embarrassing when my ring gets called out and others Ooooh over it, because I know the girl who was proposed to with a small diamond or no diamond was proposed to with just as much love as my fiance did to me.
I got ring envy too, but it was because we had traded a ring in that he proposed with in a previous relationship that obviously didn’t work out. I was totally okay with using that to help pay for my rings, but after we got home, I started getting jealous because the ring we traded was significantly bigger than the one I ended up with. But then he pointed out that when he purchased the first ring, he wasn’t thinking as much about the future with that girl as in the moment. When he bought mine, he was considering all the things beyond just the ring, like the actual wedding and the life we will have beyond it.
I feel like no matter what sometimes we have to accept being in the middle. What I mean by that is that there will always be someone worse off than us, and of course better off. This is true in life, and in rings 
I am a very modest person. I do not come from money, and like to keep things humble as I move forward in my career in Clinical Social Work. I wear sweats when I grocery shop, and have dress up jeans-I am not someone who wants to lug around 3 c diamond. Before I was engaged I dreamed of getting a ring, any ring, just a ring because I knew that it meant I was marrying my best friend. When my fiance proposed it was just us, nothing wildly extravagant like I had hoped for, but the ring, holy moly was huge. I had no idea, until my friends starting pawing at the sight of it. This makes me uncomfortable as you can imagine. I am in agreement that if you are able to come to a compromise there is no reason to feel bad, you grew up in America, thus having those American dreams we all have, whatever they may be, and it’s ok to want what you want because you are being reasonable. With that said, I am also a proponent that the size of the ring has nothing to do with anything but that…the size of the ring. For some guys it is a token of their love, but for others, it’s tradition, and they show their love in other ways.
So we resume our positions in the middle, be grateful for what we do have, and enjoy it because it was bought for no other reason than for someone to show you they want to spend the rest of their life with you!
Kinda rambling but other wedding envy stuff has been on my mind lately…
Congrats
I feel ya FC. Mr. Lox and I had a bit of an ugly ring scuffle in our household. I was not proud of it, but like your tale, it ended happily with ringy peace. Anyway, just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Interesting post. FI and I wear at opposite ends of the post. I didn’t want him to spend money on a ring and argued to plain silver band. He didn’t want to look cheap. I think he felt pressure to “prove” his love, I think he felt that if he didn’t give me “the diamond e-ring” than it somehow didn’t show a commitment to us. Eventually we compromise, he used a diamond from his mother’s wedding band and got it set a plain band. It wasn’t my ideal e-ring nor was it his but we came up with something that met both of our needs/want. Compromise is what is is all about!
I have Definitely had diamond envy, only because I never had a chance to tell my now husband what I wanted, what he got me was beautiful, but I always had a resentment that I didn’t get to tell or show him what I liked. After my best friend in the whole world got engaged he noticed my diamond envy, after we got married, and we saved up a little bit, I ended up with a BEAUTIFUL bridal set that is more “me.” I will save what he gave me, I wear it on a necklace, because I was never angry about it, and I love that he took the time to pick it out and at least TRY! Some men I have seen just go browsing and pick the one out the woman woo’s over the most, that is no surprise! So in keeping both that one and the new one, my sons can have the option of using mine or buying their own when they go down that path later, which I find most awesome, when a man gives a family heirloom engagement ring, now that makes my heart all a flutter!
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Mrs. Funnel Cake, Zürich, Switzerland/Columbus, Ohio Age and Occupation: 24, Visual Communication Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Application Engineer Engagement Date: May 30, 2010 Wedding Date: October 2011 Venue: Catholic church followed by a botanical conservatory About Me: I'm an American designer who moved to Switzerland for love after a fairytale beginning at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I love travel, photography, museums, learning German so I can speak with my mother-in-law, cooking (eating), cuddling, and I'm not afraid to try something new even if it terrifies me. My Swiss/Brazilian man and I are both down to earth people planning a traditional Catholic wedding in my hometown with some quirky cultural exceptions to reflect our different backgrounds. We look forward to celebrating with friends and family from all over the world in a classic, sophisticated fusion of heritage and love.
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