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Pretty early on Mr. Hawk and I knew that we wanted to have a smaller wedding, surrounded by our closest family and friends. The thought of being introduced to some distant second cousin twice removed at the reception just didn’t feel right to me. We decided to keep it as small as possible for such an intimate occasion; however, not unfortunately for us but unfortunately for our guest list, our families alone could easily exceed the 120-guest max mandated by Wren Chapel. Actually, let me clarify—Mr. Hawk’s family alone could easily exceed 120 people. (FMIL has over 10 siblings, so with their children and grandbabies, well, you can do the math ’cause my head just started hurting.)
We knew we had to draw the line somewhere if we were even going to have room for friends (and maybe some of my family members). So we decided to have an adults-only ceremony and reception. Now, I know that the idea is still considered somewhat controversial, but like I said we had to draw the line somewhere…
Image via Zazzle
Now here is the tricky part:
every rule must have an exception. My little sister, Jr. BM M will be 12 at the time of the wedding (obviously not an adult). And our adorable flower girl W will only be four. Since they are members of the bridal party, we figured that no one could really put up a fuss. But it gets worse! We just found out that Mr. Hawk’s sister is preggo with baby number two. My soon-to-be nephew will only be approximately two and a half to three months old come our wedding day. I am very conflicted about what to do. Mr. Hawk says that we can’t very well tell them that FG W can come but their brand new baby isn’t allowed, which I understand. But at the same time my rule-follower side says the rules should stand. I don’t want to ruffle any feathers with other guests! I had a fleeting thought of having my future nephew serve as ring bearer, but he will literally be a newborn and I don’t think it makes sense.
The line that I thought we drew is looking a little hazy. What are y’alls thoughts? Did you struggle with your guest list?
We did the same thing. The only exceptions are my two nieces (16 and 14) and my nephew (5). I don’t think you have to worry about your nephew. With all the care and attention that goes into newborns, your FSIL might decide not to bring him. Of course, just be prepared if she can’t make it to the wedding either.
I have seen people allow nursing babies and bridal party kids. That would cover everyone you listed. (Even if she is not breastfeeding would anyone really ask?)
I think nobody in their right mind would bring a 2 month old to a wedding in the first place. They should be allowed to come (because nobody wants to leave their 2 month old with a sitter - even grandma), but they should be smart and respectful enough to not attend the reception. One parent should bring the flower girl to the ceremony, while the other stays home with the bew baby, and then take her home prior to the reception. One parent can then come back for the reception if they feel the need to attend.
Newborns won’t change your numbers. We have a big family and 120 guest max, but this doesn’t include babies who don’t need us to provide either chairs or food. Toddlers on the other hand will just have to stay home.
We are also having a no-kids wedding. With the exception of the wedding party children. It just so happens that my FSIL who is also in the wedding is due in early march. Her baby will be 6 months by the time our wedding rolls around but since he will still be pretty young, we decided to let her bring him (if she wants to) I think if people want to cause a fuss about not being able to bring their kids, they really aren’t there to celebrate you anyway. If family members and friends WANT to be there, they will no matter the exceptions.
I had this issue. My cousin (and BM) just had a baby before the wedding. She got a sitter. Trust me, the parents will be thankful to have a night out without the baby.
We are having a no-kids wedding. Our youngest there will be about 14, I think? I’m sure some friends with kids will be a bit annoyed, but we wanted to give them a fun night away from their kids, so hopefully they’ll see it that way.
We only allowed immediate kids. Like nieces and nephews and that was only 2 kids. We did not invite children of cousins - that would have been 30 children. I know it’s hard. But people have to be totally understanding
@Miss Warbler: Good point. I hadn’t really considered her not wanting to bring him…
@Miss Aardvark: I doubt anyone would really ask?
@anon: The babysitting adds more complication since all the family members will most likely be attending!
@Elle: You’re right. I wasn’t so much concerned about numbers as I was about wagging tongues!
@superh2ogirl: Very true. Hopefully you’re right.
@KLloyd1: Glad it worked out for you!
@Chelsea: So far it’s gone over well with everyone I know of… Hoping it stays a non-issue! 
@Gabrielle123: It is very difficult. I hate having to say that children aren’t allowed since I’m such a big fan of children! I think that’s why I’m feeling extra-sensitive about the issue!
Good luck, I have struggled with the Children thing for a while - It haunts me, oh the kids you love but the wedding you want…
Your exceptions are very minimal. Bridal Party (even wee lil ones) should be included. And just extend the offer to the new mother, she may decide to bring her newborn or find a sitter. If anyone is so petty as to point it out, don’t pay any attention to them. It is your wedding - no further explanation needed.
I sometimes think we try so hard not to be Bridezilla that we allow ‘what others think’ to cloud what we have already made conscious decisions about.
Thankfully there are only a few little ones in our family so we just decided to say yes to kids. If there were more though we probably would have had to draw the line somewhere. It’s such a difficult decision!!
That’s a toughie! Not allowing kids always ruffles people’s feathers (even though I don’t think it should), and I like that you’ve drawn hard and fast rules about who’s allowed and who’s not (consistency is the best policy). I’d probably let FSIL bring the baby. He’ll still be very young, and I think most people understand letting a mom bring her newborn, especially since most people don’t leave 2-3 month olds with babysitters (and no family will be around to help since they’ll all be at the wedding). Plus, if she’s nursing him, I feel like it’s totally understandable to let her bring him.
I hope it all works out for you, Miss H!
To include, or not to include kids is always a tough. My husband and I just got married earlier this month so the anxiety of this subject is still fresh. My extended family is huge with a billion children, while my husband’s extended family is small with only 6 children. Including children from both sides would have added to our overall number by 35 - not really an option in our budget.
I have a 10 year old step daughter who was a bridesmaid in our wedding. She was going to be the only child at the wedding, but in an effort to keep her entertained, we decided to invite only the children from my husband’s side of the family. I took the time to explain to each one of my family members when I saw them that it was going to be primarily an adult reception, with a few of my step daughter’s cousins there so she would be entertained.
I did also have a very good friend bring her 5 month old daughter to the wedding because she was nursing and had no other means. We had no problem with it and she was very respectful to everyone there - most newborn baby moms are, so I wouldn’t worry much.
Trust me when I say not one of them had a problem leaving the kids with a sitter for the night. If they can, chances are they will take advantage of an adult evening. Good luck!
@Miss Ke Aloha: I think you nailed it. I really don’t want to offend anyone and become bridezilla!
@TinyTina: I’m glad your decision was easy! If Mr. H’s family wasn’t a baby factory…! (Just kidding, Mr. Hawk. Love you.)
@Mrs. Parasol: Thanks for the encouragement. I would hope people would be understanding.
@NSBecker: It’s nice to hear from someone who has recently experienced this. I’m so glad to hear that it worked out for you!
We struggled with whether or not to invite children, too. My stepmother doesn’t believe children belong at a wedding, so part of me wanted to invite them just to spite her, but I have 10 step nieces and nephews, among other children of cousins, so we decided on no kids at all. Luckily, we don’t have anyone who falls into a middle area (school age), and we’re not having kids in our bridal party. The only exception will be if my sister has a baby by then, and even then it will only be a tiny newborn.
My cousin was a flower girl at my other cousin’s wedding, and her 4 siblings weren’t invited. Since she was pretty much busy with wedding stuff the whole time, my aunt and uncle were able to have an almost child-free evening and enjoy some time together without their kids… no one minded. I’m allowing all of my first cousins at my wedding (the youngest is 5), but none of my first cousins children (there are 12 aged 2 months - 10 years), so it’s a generation cutoff more than an age cutoff. No one’s said anything so far… hopefully its alright!
We will have our baby nephew at our wedding, but he’s the only kid in our family! So we are allowing kids knowing that there’s only one possibility anyway.
My fiance and I love kids, but at a recent wedding we were seated behind a 3-year-old who fidgeted and fussed the whole time. So we decided to provide childcare during the ceremony. It’s just 30 minutes, and that way parents (and child-free guests) can enjoy the ceremony.
For the reception, the more the merrier. I am a big fan of letting little girls vie for the bouquet, and the photos of them dancing on Daddy’s feet are some of my favorites. Plus, our caterers don’t include kids under 10 in the headcount.
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Miss Hawk, Richmond, VA Age and Occupation: 26, Finance Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, District Supervisor Engagement Date: March 13, 2011 Wedding Date: May 2012 Venue: The Chapel of the Sir Christopher Wren Building, 2007 Legacy Hall About Me: I’m an Arizona-born girl who has spent the majority of my life living below the Mason-Dixon line. The South has definitely earned a special place in my heart (alongside my Virginia born and bred fiance, of course!). We are planning a traditional Christian ceremony at my alma mater in historic Williamsburg, Virginia, followed by a rocking reception filled with Southern cooking and vintage/shabby chic details. When we’re not wedding planning, we enjoy spending time with our three dogs, going for runs together, watching plenty of football (or baseball depending on the season), and sampling new wine.
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