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Hi. I’m Miss Mole. I’m a white girl from small -Wisconsin. In two short months, I will be Mrs. Mole, where “Mole” is a stand-in for an incredibly common Chinese last name. It’s so common that it has its own entry on Wikipedia. According to that website, there are over 16 million living people who share that last name.
Characters / Image via Wikipedia
So what does this mean? On a superficial level, it means that I have no chance in hell to get my preferred Gmail address: first-initial-last-name. My last name, in contrast to Mr. Mole’s, is so uncommon that I have never had any problem getting an easy email address. (In fact, I’ve never even met anyone else outside of my relatives who shares my surname.) I probably spent about 40 minutes playing around with different combinations of my first and new last name before giving up and just throwing my maiden name in the address.
(An aside: I was glad to see that Miss Porcupine has already done the same thing!)
On a deeper level, though, it means that I am going to be taking on a new cultural signifier. Barbara Wallraff, who writes for The Atlantic, has a great description of what I mean here: “The idea is that the linguistic fine points we pay attention to—the accent we have, the vocabulary we use, the knowledge of traditional grammar we exhibit—say something about us. They hint at both the culture we come from and our place in that culture, and there’s no getting away from this.” These linguistic points obviously extend to the names that we take, the names that introduce us.
My new name, then, is going to hint at a culture that I do not come from and do not have a solid place in: a disconnect made even more jarring by my (admittedly dyed) blonde hair and blue eyes. And, if I am to believe Barbara Wallraff, there’s no escaping this. So while it is no question that I will be taking Mr. Mole’s surname, that act has raised a variety of interesting questions of its own. These questions are ones about culture, about identity, about perceptions.
I leave you with a song that gets stuck in my head whenever I think about the topic of name changes: “Tara Mascara” by Language of Flowers. Key lyrics: I’m only waiting on a lover with a catchy surname / It just takes patience and an ear for what sounds right. / You’ve got to plan out your future with the utmost detail, / I’m making sure that his last name works with mine.
Video via YouTube / Posted by hekusokazura9
How do you think changing your name will affect your own identity—if at all? Anyone else in the same boat?
Not at all, I am who I am, and imo my last name does not signify my identity.
I’m the reverse of you, I”m Chinese and married at German. So my last name like you does not indicate who I am at all! They will be expecting a fair skinned, tall blonde likely. But it will be I a average height, black hair petite Asian! I think it’s kinda fun to throw people for a loop! 
My boyfriend’s entire family is 100% German and he has a German last name. I always planned on taking my husbands last name, but I can’t even pronounce his last name well enough to feel confident saying it around his family. I am very proud of his family lineage (I love his family and am closer to them than I am to my own relatives!), but I feel very awkward being so far removed from it. I understand what you mean. It is the type of name where people in the U.S. will pronounce it wrong every time, but it’s only 4 letters long. lol. Oh well, we aren’t engaged yet, so I can still put off thinking about it.
i went from having a pretty original italian last name (like you, i’ve only ever met relatives that share my name) to having the 3rd most common last name in the united states! The change was bittersweet for sure. I love my maiden name, and i if i didnt have brothers to carry it on i probably would have thought harder about keeping it. I really dont mind having a common last name! at least i dont have to spell it for people or worry about people saying it wrong 
haha
I just changed my name, and being a caucasian German girl, it throws people off that I have a very Spanish name. I feel like people judge you a lot based on your name, and you don’t really know that until you have a name that doesn’t stereotypically describe you. Great post!
hi! I am chinese too with a fairly common surname as well. Since your mind is made up about taking his last name already, I really don’t think the cultural thing is a big issue. We can all learn and appreciate culture from different people and while you might not look Chinese - you can certainly adopt the culture as your own. To me, that’s what makes multiculturism so great. There are non-Chinese people who have moved there, live there and have totally adapted and adopted the culture that really there is NO difference between “how Chinese” they are to someone who was born there.
On that note as well, I was not born in China. I was born in the U.S, was raised by a Caribbean/South American culture and now live in Canada. I honestly can’t relate to much traditional Chinese cultural things. I consider myself less immersed in that culture and therefore my last name isn’t a very good indicator of my culture.
I am cracking up that your new last name has its own Wikipedia page. On the bright side - if there are keychains with last names, you will easily be able to find one!
I am not changing my name for a long time. I just…dont’ want to. I have been myself for a long time and I dont’ see how changing my relationship status needs to interfere with that. I’m sure tons will disagree, but I feel strongly about keeping my name.
I can totally see where you are coming from, taking a very cultural name when your own background is so different. But that is why you and Mr. Mole will be your own little family now!
One more thing, I am changing my name to a middle eastern surname of my FH. I know some things about his culture - and while I want to learn more I’m not going to identify myself as a middle easterner simply b/c I’m married to one. You make choices you are comfortable with…you identify yourself!
I had touch of a freakout last night when, as I was trying on my dress for my FMIL and FSIL, my FMIL said to me, “Ooooohhhh!!! You’ll make such a beautiful R—– Girl!”
I let out some nervous laughter, while thinking in my head, ‘But I’m NOT a R—– girl…. I’m a D—— GIRL!”.
My family is very well-known in my small community, and we’re related to EVERYBODY, and that was really that first moment where it sunk in that my whole freaking name is gonna change!
When my fifth grade teacher went on maternity leave, we were assigned a sub named “Mrs. Yem” we all assumed she was Asian, but she had married into the name.
That taught not to assume
@regberadaisy: i think its less about my own perception of self than about others’ perceptions of it. I think I will definitely throw some people for a loop! In my job, my students receive my info - as well as some introductory emails from me - well before we meet in person. I wonder if there will be any surprised reactions. (On the other hand, though, there might not be. Here in southern California, there are tons of mixed Asian-Caucasian couples, so people might not even bat an eye!)
@jmbass: I definitely started thinking about it before we were engaged! I think i am actually going to an easier name, though. My maiden name is French, and I have never had anyone pronounce it correctly on the first try! I definitely won’t miss that - or having to spell it to people over and over!
@totheislnds: Haha! I too am looking forward to an easier name. My bittersweet moment comes in the realization that my name is “dying” out with me. My father’s only brother does not have kids, and my only sibling already took her husband’s last name. Hopefully there are some very distant relatives in France to carry things on.
This is so interesting. I am having the exact opposite occur! My last name is sort of a mystery as to what culture it represents, and now I’m going to a last name that is very much thought of as a “Jewish last name.” Being that I’m Jewish already- even though I may not look it - it’s sort of as though it’s giving me a cultural indicator that I never had before.
So why don’t you just stay with your maiden name and don’t change it to your husband’s one?
@kimbee23: It’s true. It’s also true that I am probably making assumptions because Mr Mole’s last name is marked as “different” than mine! Thanks!@adage: Very interesting comments! Mr. Mole is not very Chinese compared to people from China, but he has a lot in common with other 1st generation Chinese. His parents came to the US from Taiwan in grad school and have been living and working in Beijing for the last 10 years. I want to learn more about them and their background/language before we have a child. Mr Mole’s sister takes her baby to “Mandarin and Me” baby classes, and I want to make sure our future child can do something similar. Then he/she can create his/her own identify from a variety of cultural backgrounds.
@soyjoy222: I was cracking up about the keychain comment! When I was young enough where those keychains were the shiz, my first name was not yet popular enough to be featured on them! Maybe I will have to buy one now. Haha.
@Farm Girl: I think it’s going to start sinking in for me when I have to sign Mr Mole’s last name!
@Crabbabs: That is a great lesson to learn — and one I am thankful that you have reminded me! I probably needed it!
I definitely feel this & have been searching for a good new email address after reading @Miss Porcupine’s post! Only to realize I am stuck with some looooonnnggg email addresses that aren’t super easy.
According to howmanyofme.com, I am going from 1 of me to 225 of me (this number is low because my first name is not all that common & have a variety of spellings…) In fact, my married last name is top 10 most common in Scandanavia, UK & Scotland. And top 15 most common for the US. I don’t care about that, I care about GMAIL!!!!!!!
Talking about me aside, I work with many Caucasian women who have Asian last names. I will admit, when I am in a group of new people trying to match the names I have seen on emails to faces, I didn’t automatically assume these women. That being said, there was no further thought to it once I learned who’s name went to who, and wouldn’t be too concerned. I wouldn’t say I was “surprised,” so much as “I’m an idiot!” ESPECIALLY considering how many interracial relationships are out there now-a-days!
This is so interesting. I have a very uncommon last name and I don’t particularly like it. It doesn’t even tie to my heritage at all due to a strange family tree. I am mostly Italian, but my last name is very obviously NOT. (And so when asked my heritage, and I respond “Italian” most people look at me and say, “But your last name isn’t Italian!!” It’s funny how we judge who people are by their last names.) Now I am marrying an Italian and taking on his very Italian and very common last name. It feels strange, but I’m actually happy to have a last name that reflects how I’ve always represented myself. It’s the last name I was always suppose to have, but never did.
Your new last name might surprise people when they see you but I think that’s neat I am Caucasian and when I get married, I’ll have an Asian (albeit fairly uncommon) last name. I’m looking forward to it.
I don’t think it will change too much for me. Like you, the only people that share my last name are relatives, but neither Mr. Hawk and I’s last names are particularly indicative of our race/ethnicity/heritage. It is a very interesting point though and I hadn’t given it a lot of thought.
Have you thought about a hyphenated name? That may work if you’re concerned about your cultural identity.
I won’t be taking my fiance’s last name mostly for cultural reasons. Not because of the name itself, but rather the custom of changing names at all. I like his last name and it’s somewhat ambivalent as to its origins - it’s Russian but doesn’t sound Russian at all. So I will be known as FirstName MaidenName *of* HisSurname.
My first husband was hispanic. I’m super pale with big green eyes and freckles. It certainly threw people for a loop when they expected a Mrs. Hernandez and instead get me, but I enjoyed the mix of cultures our two races introduced us too. Sort of a best of both worlds.
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Mrs. Mole, Los Angeles/Las Vegas Age and Occupation: 29, Test Prep Instructor Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, User Experience Architect Engagement Date: April 2011 Wedding Date: January 2012 Venue: Wynn Las Vegas/Bouchon Bistro About Me: I’m a Wisconsinite-turned-Angeleno who is planning a destination wedding in Las Vegas. I am passionate about education: I spent 23 (!) consecutive years in school, and now I work to help other people get into graduate programs. I love running on the treadmill, buying bath products from Lush, learning new moves in step aerobics, and exploring my neighborhood on foot. I am sometimes snobby about food, but I am rarely snobby about books. I read everything from Geoffrey Chaucer to Iris Murdoch to Chuck Klosterman to Candace Bushnell. My fiance and I are getting married on our third anniversary!
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