Weddingbee Blog

I should probably begin this post by saying: I’m Ms. PD. It’s apparently been two months since my last post, after I got frustrated with uploading a video into my recaps. (Also, when I just wrote “recaps,” I accidentally typed “recraps.” Freudian slip from my guilt?) So, hello again! I love what you’ve done with your hair. Anyway.

All my life, I just assumed I’d take my future husband’s last name. So when I first flirted with the idea of not changing my name, it felt positively roguish. It sounds like I’ve been watching too much Downton Abbey (and I have been), but these were my father’s actual words to me when I mentioned the idea to my parents: that simply isn’t done, love. It was all very you-don’t-bring-us-honor-Mulan.

But guess what. I didn’t do it, loves. I’m still EL; he is JD; we are we; love is grand. Before our wedding, there were plenty of resources explaining how to go through the process of changing your name. There weren’t as many about the process of not changing your name. Even though you actually do nothing (no paperwork, no cost)…there’s still a process that I worked through in my mind to come to my decision. So for anyone else who is toying with the idea of not changing your name, here are some questions I asked myself and/or fielded from other people.

(Individual hangers but I’m currently using all four for myself. Worst wife ever.)

To preface: there are a lot of reasons why I chose not to change my last name:

it would be a professional detriment (it’s very common in my work industry to keep maiden names since we often publish before getting married), I actually identify with my last name more than my first name, I’m a first-generation American, etc. You can read more on reasons why in other bees’ posts.

But why wouldn’t you change it?

When I asked myself this question, my mind immediately countered with: why would I? I consider myself traditional, in that I like traditions…but only if they make sense for me. This doesn’t make sense for me personally. Plus, I love being EL and PDog loves it too. Why go through the stress of changing all my documentation, when we’re both so happy with being us as-is?

Wouldn’t changing your last name make you feel more like a family?

We are a family, so no. He is my family, period; no name in the world could make him feel MORE like my family than he already is. He is my partner, he is the other person on my team, we are two individuals in a functional and annoyingly happy family unit who make decisions in tandem. We could change our names to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock and Crap Bag and still have the same strong family dynamic. Some women who change their names get divorced; some of them stay married forever. In fact, some women who divorce keep their once-husband’s last name. A surname is not necessarily a statement on relationship status, nor is it a harbinger of our future as a couple.

Does it cause problems to have different last names?

Nope! We did have a car insurance guy who was confused for a minute, but all PDog had to say was: my wife and I have different last names.

Isn’t your husband upset?

No, not at all. PDog has been super encouraging of me doing whatever feels right. He loves me as EL and has known me as such for a decade…it works out for us. Besides, the hooks in the above picture have been up for years now. And we like them.

Do you not like your husband’s last name?

No, I love it. It’s a wonderful last name. But it’s not about that.

Will you be offended if someone addresses you as Mrs. D?

Nope! Well…I take that back. It would bother me if they insisted on calling me that when they know it’s not my last name. (But I love my mom anyway. )

But what last name will your children have, then?

We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. (For the record, I kind of hate this question. It’s no one’s business what we name our children. In fact, it’s no one’s business whether or not we have children. No matter what names our children have, they will be completely cherished by both of their parents, and that’s what matters.)

Are you sure?

I am for now. And if I change my mind, I can change my name! Simple as that. I suspect that one day it might make sense for me to change it, and the chime in my gut might ring in approval. But it wasn’t the day after I got married, and it’s not today either.

Anyone else not change their name / thinking about it?