The Great Name Change Debate

The Great Name Change Debate

December 27th, 2011 @ 10:45 am by Miss Hawk
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For some reason, changing my name has been weighing on me more and more lately. I am a pretty traditional gal and never, ever considered doing anything else but take my husband’s name. It was a no-brainer for me. But for some reason, as of late the idea of losing my last name has started a bit of a mini-panic in me. Maybe it’s the thought that changing my name will no longer make me a member of my family, or maybe I worry that I won’t be “me.” I really can’t pinpoint it, and I’ve found these feelings to come completely out of left-field. I never in my life knew it would bother me, and it took me by surprise. So what to do?

Well Mr. Hawk is also very traditional and is not a big fan of us having different last names.

(And actually I’m definitely not fond of the idea either. Once we have children, I don’t want to be the only one with a different name.) The clear alternative would be to hyphenate. I guess I would be okay with this decision, but it doesn’t exactly excite me either. Then a friend recently pointed out that if I did hyphenate, one slight mispronunciation of my last name combined with Mr. Hawk’s could end up sounding like something very dirty. (And with Mr. Hawk’s last name already being something that kids could be teased for, adding another layer just doesn’t seem right.) Another option would be to drop my middle name and take my current last name as my middle name, but for me it really isn’t an option. I love my middle name.

The only solution that has appeased me up to this point is to just tack on another name and add Mr. Hawk’s last name to my current names. Yep, I’d have four. Lauren M. Mylastname Hislastname. I guess I’m trying to have my cake and eat it too, but this idea is the only idea that has been able to quell my panic. I still have several months to sort through my feelings and come up with a final decision. (So don’t be surprised to see this idea revisited!)

Did anyone else suffer name change anxiety? How did you make your final decision?

Tags: name change, richmond |

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17 Responses to “The Great Name Change Debate”

Member

ItsPronounced_ABear (message) 680 posts, Busy bee

I’ve also been very traditional and grew up always knowing that I’d take his name… even if his is WAAY harder to pronounce than my maiden name.
The hardest part for me was the transition between the two. On our honeymoon to Sandals I was less than thrilled that I’d still be Mrs. Mylastname instead of his, but we needed to register with what was still on my passport and license. I got drunk one night while we were there and ended up on the bathroom floor crying profusely and mumbling/yelling “Who am I? No one knows my name! What’s my name?” I don’t recommend this option for venting your internal conflict, by the way.

But all is well now that my documents and work e-mail, etc. have been changed over. It’s still a major pain to explain the pronunciation to EVERY service person I meet, but DH says I’ll get used to it eventually.

Remember humans are highly adaptable to change!

12/27/11 @ 10:55 am (reply)

Member

Coffee cup (message) 1,843 posts, Buzzing bee

I have 4 names too!! I’m mexican and here children are named “firstname secondname dad’s-lastname mom’s-lastname”. The name change won’t be a issue for me cause no one does it here, but I’ll have to find short names for our kids since both our lastnames are quite long.

12/27/11 @ 11:22 am (reply)

Member

Floating Elephy (message) 115 posts, Blushing bee

I didn’t want to lose my maiden name because a) it’s really uncommon and b) it would technically end with me and my sister, which makes me irrationally sad.

So, I came to the same conclusion as you! I’m going to change my last name to a middle name (but keep my given middle name as well) and take his last name. And any future children we may have will be given two middle names—one being my maiden name. Hooray for four names!

12/27/11 @ 11:52 am (reply)

Member

Miss Ke Aloha (message) 479 posts, Helper bee

It was really difficult for me too. My fiance does not understand this problem. My mother did not understand either. I was obsessed with it for weeks, We finally came to an agreement that made not only my fiance happy but I was excited to have a new name but still keep my name. I will have two middle names. Yea! I practiced my new name signature - I like it - very swirly

12/27/11 @ 12:11 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Pony (message) 4,175 posts, Honey bee

This was a decision that was so hard for me, I just allowed myself to wait until after the wedding to make a final choice. No reason to give yourself added pressure in an already stressful time; plus you might feel different after the wedding.

12/27/11 @ 1:32 pm (reply)

Member

gmcurtis (message) 346 posts, Helper bee

My only big thought on it is when I sometimes suddenly can’t remember the last name of a recently married acquaintance (ie, facebook friend who isn’t much of a good friend). I have lots of good friends who’s last names I would never forget but I have coworkers who’s maiden names have completely disappeared from my mind!

12/27/11 @ 3:13 pm (reply)

Member

SadieBee (message) 778 posts, Busy bee

This is exactly what I decided to do. I’m now legally FirstName Middle Maiden HisLastName - I just moved my maiden name to a second middle name. It was actually super easy to do on all my official documents, and I still get to keep my family name in there.

12/27/11 @ 3:57 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Parasol (message) 2,142 posts, Buzzing bee

I second Mrs. Pony. This is a tough decision to make, and there’s really no reason to rush. Right now, focus on all the other things you have going on, and after the wedding, experiment with different options for your new name. I think people tend to be more clear-headed after the wedding, and allowing yourself to try different options out may help you determine which one is best for you. I wish I’d done that because I ended up just keeping my last name as is and not hyphenating like I’d planned to do, and I had to go back and re-explain to a lot of people why I was doing that. Annoying and time-consuming, especially considering that I know way too many people who still assume that women just take their husbands’ last names, no questions asked.

12/27/11 @ 4:17 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Raccoon (message) 308 posts, Helper bee

I think I might end up being a four-namer also. Like the ladies above have suggested, I’ll wait until later on to make the final decision.
Hope your decision doesn’t cause you too much more anxiety!

12/27/11 @ 6:05 pm (reply)

10.

Member

likelimeade (message) 253 posts, Helper bee

I’ve always planned on keeping my last name. My fiance recently mentioned that he’d kinda like it if I changed over to his though…but that’s not going to happen. We’re considering combining both our last names to make one new last name. Would that be an option for you, Miss Hawk? That way, you could prevent your kids from getting teased on the playground!

12/27/11 @ 10:47 pm (reply)

11.

Guest

Cassidy

I am planning on doing the same thing as you are currently: Cassidy Rae MyLastName HisLastName.

I’m not sure how the govt will handle 2 last names, but I need to keep mine so professional reasons.

I guess it could be considered 2 middle names, but who knows.

12/28/11 @ 5:26 am (reply)

12.

Guest

Laura

I think it’s so unfair the women are expected to change their names. Whey should we be expected to make this change? Why can’t the men change their name? There’s no logical reason why the man can’t change their name to ours. And if your man’s last name is a name that would cause teasing, why not use your last name??

12/28/11 @ 6:29 am (reply)

13.

Guest

lobbyart

I agree, Laura. My fiance is taking my last name (not combining, just dropping his last name). I think you should go with what makes sense, regardless of tradition. If you’re sharing a last name, it should be one that is meaningful to both of you. I’m also a fan of the new trend towards creating a new last name… I know a couple of people who have taken that route.

12/28/11 @ 1:25 pm (reply)

14.

Guest

Michelle

I love how many people are adding their partners last name to their own, In my group of friends and in his family I feel like I am often looked down because I am choosing to add his last name to mine and not get rid of mine entirely! I am happy to have my last name and am happier to be able to keep it!

12/28/11 @ 1:58 pm (reply)

15.

Bee

Miss Hawk (message) 598 posts, Busy bee

@ItsPronounced_ABear: Awww… I’m glad that you feel better now that it’s official!

@Coffee cup: Very cool!

@Floating Elephy: I am so glad to hear that this is becoming more common!

@Miss Ke Aloha: So happy to hear you found a solution that worked for you!

@Mrs. Pony: Very good advice.

@gmcurtis: I know what you mean on the FB issue.

@SadieBee: I’m glad to hear it was a simple process!

@Mrs. Parasol: You make some valid points. I think I will probably wait as you and Mrs. Pony have suggested.

@Miss Raccoon: Thanks Miss R.

@likelimeade: I hadn’t heard of anyone using this option before!

@Cassidy: I’m not sure how it would be handled either. I guess some more research is in order.

@Laura: and @lobbyart: I agree that the tradition is becoming outdated and people should go with whatever works best for them.

@Michelle: It’s a very neat “new tradition,” but it’s a personal decision and you shouldn’t be looked down upon for doing what both you and your husband thought worked best!

12/30/11 @ 7:59 am (reply)

16.

Member

chicagowife (message) 844 posts, Busy bee

I had a lot of panic about it at first too. But honestly after I got used to it, it was fine! I no longer feel weird or panicky about it. And I think it saves so much hassle and stress in life. People can refer to you and your husband (and your eventual family) as “The Smiths.” Your children will have the same last name as you. So I say, if you’re not philosophically opposed, just try to have faith that those panicky emotions will disappear, and I bet you’ll be happy you changed it! (That said, whatever you choose, it’s not a huge deal.) Good luck!

1/4/12 @ 10:31 am (reply)

17.

Member

Future Army Wife (message) 1,110 posts, Bumble bee

I’m on board with @Floating Elephy. I’m also going the same route as you: First middle maiden married. All the organizations I joined with my maiden name will forever refer to me as First Maiden Married. However, I love my middle name and its historical significance, so I’m going to keep it in the mix as well.

1/7/12 @ 6:15 pm (reply)