Weddingbee Blog

Both of my parents liked Mr. Mole from the very beginning. They liked him for the same reasons that I did: he is incredibly caring, considerate, and supportive (plus a whole long list of other admirable qualities). Of course, they also liked him because he made me happy. Yet during the holidays, I was able to see how much they love him — and not just as my future husband but as their own son.

Seeing this subtle shift in the relationships between Mr. Mole and my parents made me think about the way that the relationship between Mr. Mole and me is about to change. Now, I know that to some extent that a legal marriage is no more than paperwork. I can’t imagine that I will love Mr. Mole any more just because I signed my name to the marriage license. I can’t imagine that either of us will change in the way we act, talk, sleep, eat, do the dishes, etc., now that we are called husband or wife. Nothing fundamental will change. But I also have to acknowledge that there is a great deal of symbolic value tied up in these legal categories (something that just makes the bans of gay marriage in many states and countries even more problematic and unfair). This symbolism may very well affect the way that we feel or think about ourselves as a couple.

I started thinking specifically about how getting married is going to turn us — legally, symbolically, magically — into one household. We become a unified front, both socially and financially. We’ve ignored Judge Judy’s sage advice not to open a joint checking account before the wedding, but we are soon going to be combining all of our assets together. His salary will be mine; my salary will be his. (Same thing with our cars, but the sudden shared ownership of a 1996 Camry or a 1998 GTI is somewhat less of a big deal.) We have no individual debts coming into the marriage, but we will share any that we now undertake together.

I struggle with my feelings about some of these financial implications sometimes. I still feel somewhat uncomfortable with the fact that I bring considerably less money to our household than Mr. Mole does. I know that I support him in a variety of other ways, but they are less quantifiable. I guess I need to stop thinking that “he” will take care of “me” and “my” expenses with “his” money. Instead, the legal and symbolic meanings of marriage means that “we” will take care of “us.”

We’re in this together. In very similar outfits.

How do you think marriage will change your relationship, if at all? What kind of symbolic value does marriage have for you?