It took quite a while to decide who would marry us. We knew it wouldn’t be anyone affiliated with a religion, as we want a secular ceremony. Once we had made that decision, I completely stopped caring about this (extremely important) detail for months.
Finally, a friend mentioned how awesome it would be if someone we knew married us, since we had no other requirements of our officiant. I realized this would be amazing. We could have a truly personal ceremony, led by someone who has known us our entire relationship.
Thrilled with the idea, I talked it over with Mr. Elk who also seemed excited (though a little apprehensive at first). Mama Elk was a whole other story. For whatever reason, even though Mr Elk and I are mature enough to be GETTING MARRIED, our friends are not mature enough to marry us. Yes, there is no logic in this at all, I understand. Mama Elk really preferred a Justice of the Peace, and even threw out the idea of having one of her best friends marry us (who has never met Mr Elk).
Mr Elk and I were frustrated—we both felt like it was OUR wedding ceremony, and we wanted it to be personal for us, not her.
Finally, after numerous arguments and frustrated phone calls, she agreed. And so we have our officiant! Mr J, as he will be forevermore known, is a friend we met at college during our freshman year. He is very personable, a great speaker, and is wholeheartedly excited about this job! He is taking it so seriously that he even wrote an email to our parents introducing himself and asking that they go to him with any concerns/ideas for the ceremony.
And now, my plea for help. Mr J is not licensed to be a wedding officiant. He is trying to go the civil route, but has met a ton of roadblocks. Nobody he has called so far seems to know anything about what this entails. He plans on talking to the town mayor, and the state of NY! Things are really getting out of control, and I hate knowing he is putting in so much effort and hitting so many roadblocks.
Has anyone done this/known someone who has done this? How did they do it? Who did they contact? If you know anything about this, please let me know!!!
I know in some states you can become ordaned (sp?) online and then are leagal to perform ceremonies. My uncle did this and married my mom and step dad a few years ago. I know it wouldn’t be totally secular, but the churches doing online ordination are pretty loose about…well…everything. My mom’s ceremony was totally secular. Not sure if it works the same way in NY but it may be worth looking into. PM me if you want I can get more info on the process.
I think it can be done online. I have heard of a few people who have done this. I actually have seen a wedding performed by someone who has done this. Here is a link to a website, I’m not entirely sure if this is the best one, and I am by no means trying to joke with it. I like the idea of having a friend marry you! It adds more personal touches! Hope this helps!!
Denell
http://www.themonastery.org/tools/wedding_laws/?wide=usa&narrow=new-york
@Miss Aardvark: we are going to do the Universal Life Church online if the civil route doesn’t work, but our officiant would prefer to go the civil route (he is Jewish and while he doesn’t mind doing it the religious route online, I think he would prefer civil if it works) but thanks! if it comes down to it I’ll definitely contact you!
Oh, I feel your pain, Miss Elk! I got married in November in upstate New York and ran into many roadblocks trying to use a friend as our officiant. Basically the laws in NY are pretty strict. It is my understanding that even if you have a friend get ordained online, that is not recognized by the state of NY. We ended up having two ceremonies — one with a justice of the peace (only attended by our two witnesses, myself, and my husband), and the big one with our friend officiant. I called all over before coming to the conclusion that this was the best for me — city hall, the NYS Health Department, and I scoured the internet trying to find some answers. I hope you are able to sort everything out! I know in some states anyone can perform a ceremony, they just have to register themselves for the day. But unfortunately, NYS is a bit more strict.
@Miss Elk: I think an online ordained place is called Universal Life Church?
My sister’s friend got ordained in order to perform her ceremony. They live in NC and I’m not sure the details. However, advise from the lawyer my mom works for, told my mom to warn my sister about this process. Although some one is ordained and it all seems legit, the state may not recognize the marriage down the road and you want to be prepared for this in the event of death or the other D word (I need not say). So my sister went to the Justice of the Peace the day before her wedding and got married by the judge. Then her friend still performed the ceremony only close family knows she was actually married the day before.
There actually is not an easy route in the State of NY for a person to become a civil officiant. As a wedding Celebrant, I mostly perform secular or interfaith ceremonies – but legally, I am a minister to legally solemnize marriages in NY and NJ. And yes, NY state does have an issue with ULC ordinations sometimes, too. Your best bet may be to have a JoP or Celebrant either come and witness your wedding so they can sign the marriage license on the day of, or get married in a courthouse a day or two before your wedding ceremony. Feel free to msg me or email me if you need any additional information.
We. Considered this. It seems everyone I know who has a secular ceremony has a friend or family member do the officiating. However we couldn’t really agree who would do it and since my love’s dad has been practicing law here for 35 years he knows a lot if judges, so we are having a judge that went to law school with my ffil do the ceremony.
I think it was actually a great decision. She was able to really help us focus our ceremony and knew all of the little points that need to be decided that someone who hasn’t done hundreds of them might miss (Officiant & groom walk in together? Or take positions before processional? We face the guests or Officiant faces the guests? Etc). Also in California (where we almost got married) most counties allow someone to be “deputizes for a day” so they can perform your marriage. Oregon is pretty easy to get ordained online and have it be legal as well.
My husband and I got married in Syracuse (this past August) with an officiant who was ordained by the Universal Life Church. I called Albany ahead of time to ensure this would be sufficient and they didn’t have any concern with it (in the interest of full disclosure though, the guy did say “if one of you wants to get really vicious in divorce proceedings down the road it may be easier to attack the legitimacy of the marriage in comparison to one that happens in a church.” I’m not neurotic enough to be phased by that and just moved forward with the plan). I know people are saying NYS has an issue with ULC officiants sometimes, but I think that may only be for NYC weddings (which does requires some extra paperwork). It took our officiant 5 mins online (I’ve actually officiated 2 friends’ ceremonies as a ULC minister myself, one in CT and one in MA) and we had no problem with the marriage license. In fact, they didn’t even ask about the officiant’s ordination.
Also, I know it’s technically not completely secular, but there is really nothing religious about the ordination process. You don’t have to attest to a religious preference or belief system in order to be ordained and the website has representation of all faiths because we “are all children of the same universe.” It appealed enough to my pagan leanings to get past the church part and the process was easy-breezy. We found the process of writing the ceremony, and having it officiated by people we love (my husband’s aunt and her partner) was one of the more meaningful and satisfying parts of the whole wedding planning process – I can’t recommend it enough. Good luck with your New York wedding!
thank you all so much for the comments- it seems the civil route is a silly way to go, so we are going to try ULC and contact the state and go from there! thanks for all the info, I really appreciate it!!!
Our friend is performing our ceremony as well. Here is Texas it was a pretty easy thing for him to get ordained. I am not sure what all it took, but I believe it was just an online form and $30 bucks. Here’s hoping it is legit!
We had our friend perform our ceremony in New York State. They were ordained on themonastery.com and we are now married (or at least I think we are– we have a marriage certificate from the State).
You can go on that website and become ordained for free. It was all pretty painless.
Miss Elk – our officiant was my husbands brother. He had to go to a class offered by the court and he got ordained there. Ill try and find the information and post it on here, it was a fairly simple process. We live in CA so obviously it might be different but I would suggest first starting out with the county’s court and they should have info.
Wow I had no one idea it was this difficult to do in NYS. We thought about having a friend officiate, but in the end we are going with a JoP. NYS is so silly sometimes…. Good luck!
I was the officiant for my friends’ a few years ago in NYC. I had to order the NYC certificate kit off of the ULC website and then go down to the Marriage Bureau to register myself as an officiant but it’s not a big deal. It was fun and I keep trying to convince someone to let me do it again….
Also, there’s really no religion to it if you don’t want. I am an atheist and had no problem with what they stood for.
No offense to your mom, but it is your wedding. And if it’s more meaningful for a friend to marry y’all, I would hope she would support that (considering y’all aren’t going the religious officiant route).
Mrs. Elk, City: Syracuse/Long Island Age and Occupation: 25, Medical Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Computer Engineer Engagement Date: November 22, 2010 Wedding Date: May 2012 Venue: The Old Field Club About Me: I’m a Long Island girl finishing my last year of medical school in western NY, on the road to becoming a pediatrician. When I’m not studying or sleeping at the hospital, I spend my free time watching bad TV (Vampire Diaries anyone?), playing with my pooch, singing incredibly off-key (to the annoyance of Mr. Elk ), and reading Harry Potter for the zillionth time. Mr. Elk and I are planning a secular wedding infused with both Irish and cultural Jewish traditions. Only a week after I become an M.D., I will get my Mrs. degree, too!
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