As you probably know, Mr. Mole and I are having a pretty small wedding. There will be about twenty people in Vegas, including us. Even our hometown party is going to be small. With our current number of RSVPs, we are looking at fifty-something guests. We are looking forward to having these small, intimate events.
These small, intimate events won’t feature any dancing: no first dance, no father-daughter dance, no mother-son dance, no chicken dance, no line dances. Well, I guess I have to qualify this statement a bit. We won’t be preventing people from dancing a la Footloose, but we aren’t going to be doing much to encourage it. It’s just not us or the vibe we are going for.
Inevitably, when reading about other weddings that don’t schedule in a specific time for dancing, I notice a couple of main concerns from guests:
1. The wedding won’t be any fun.
I really think this is an example of how important it is to know your guests. Our guests are more the type of people who like mingling and talking with each other with a drink in hand rather than living it up on the dance floor. Accordingly, our iPod playlist is less designed to get people dancing than to allow for lively conversation. (That being said, there are definitely some “danceable” songs on the list. And there will be room to dance, if people so desire.)
We fully understand that our reception won’t be as long as those that feature dancing. That’s okay with us. We definitely aren’t planning to have a six hour reception. From first cocktail to last call, we are planning on somewhere between three and four hours. We just went to a wedding like this, and we thought it was perfect.
2. The wedding won’t seem like a wedding.
This one is tougher for me to understand — and I hear this comment about a lot of non-traditional decisions that people make. It’s not a wedding without dancing / a tiered cake / the groom in a tuxedo / a surf and turf entree / the ceremony in a church / etc. So what exactly is a wedding? What does a wedding have to have in order to be wedding-like? I figure that we are getting married and then hosting a celebration afterwards. That seems like a wedding to me!
So, hive, what do you think? Are you opting against dancing—or any other traditional wedding “must-have”? Are you getting any flack for your decision?
My goodness, this is exactly the issue I am having. I want it to feel like a celebration but I am so not a dancer. I really can’t picture our guests dancing. I would rather just have our guests talk and enjoy themselves. It’s troubling because I am hearing that people don’t really see my vision.
I love this post! I am wanting to have this same type of reception and I don’t even bring it up because people take so much issue with it! Drinking, mingling, talking about all the great times we have had with friends and family is my type of a reception. And I would like to keep it sweet and short!
When I told my mom we were thinking of non-floral centerpieces and not taking a honeymoon right away… An her response was “it’s not a Wedding without flowers!!!!” “it’s not a wedding without a honeymoon”. And I admit we have caved to some pressure to do more wedding things. I wish we hadnt but with our parents monetary help, we sorta had to.
Your wedding will be great! Dancing or not.
We are having a dancefloor but I have never considered it a wedding requirement. I do worry that I will become jealous of the dancefloor. My man loves being center of attention and I expect he will be burning a whole in the flooring.
It has taken me some time but I’m glad we are having a huge event, instead of my dream of a under 100 cocktail party. Not that its more or less wedding like, just that my guy has his dream day. How often can I make his dream day happen.
Enjoy your fabulously intimate wedding day and reception. I think it sounds wonderful. You will be lucky enough to speak to everyone and enjoy the fact they are there.
@Miss Eagle: I know what you mean but my vision smasher was my finance. He’s so traditional. Music. Vows. Cake. Flowers. Dinner. I have worked so hard to keep all things traditional… but I am really having a hard time with “here comes the bride” I just cant accept it. Lol…. and he’s paying for almost everything… so does that rule still apply? Do I need to give in?
I’m one that loves to dance, so there will be lots of that at my reception! But I’ve heard some of that too. The funniest one has been the multiple people that have looked at me like I grew a second head when I said we aren’t having cake. “No cake? None at all? What about sheet cake? What about just a small cake?” I personally don’t like cake all that much and can’t figure out what people are so hung up on.
But ultimately, no matter what you do, someone will always have a complaint. But for all the people that do, I’m sure that there will be many others that are grateful to just relax, mingle and enjoy themselves.
OMG FI won’t wear a tux! and here I am thinking I’m planning a wedding, oh well I gess it’ll have to be just a party. Lol
We’re not doing the church thing and that’s causing some trouble with our families.
You have a great point, Miss Mole. I think it all depends on knowing your guests…my family is a bunch of dancers and end up being wet noodles without it. As long as you know who you’re inviting and how to really get them to mingle and get them out of their shell (A.K.A. really enjoy themselves at your celebration), that is all that matters. And to me, a wedding is all that you make it, all that you want it to be. I’ve noticed that really only the older generation cares about adhering to a list of traditions for a wedding, and even then, most are realizing and embracing the modern trends for a customized special day.
We are having a simple ceremony with lunch afterwards… no dancing.
Simple weddings are inexpensive, which is what we are going for, no elaborate affair for us. WE, my fiance and I, are paying for it, so there’s nothing they can say or want, it’s OUR wedding…
You are spot on, Miss Mole! A wedding is two people celebrating getting married, that’s it! Everything else is just extras. I’ve been getting flack lately because we’re not having a DJ. It will still be a wedding and it will still be fun, even with our iTunes playlist.
I’m in the same boat. My wedding will be a daytime affair, with a BBQ reception and a few outdoor activities for people who want to partake. my sister went so far as to say I’m having an un-wedding, but I know if I stick to my guns, it will be perfect for US. Can’t wait to see your recaps!
We are having dancing because I love to dance. It should really be about what you want unless it really inconvenients your guests! We went to a wedding with no dancing and it was really wonderful. Loved every part of it.
I totally feel you on people pushing the whole “DO this because it is what makes it a wedding”. So strange. I seriously think some people are going to be upset that we aren’t cutting a cake!
Some people have a hard time accepting things other than what’s considered traditional. IMO as long as you’re marring the man of your dreams it should be considered a wedding. I’m sick of the crap people are giving me about my non traditional decisions.. So I’ve stopped talking about wedding related things and answer questions very vaguely. It seems to be working so far.. 
@Natalie: I think it’s sometimes difficult for people to see someone’s vision if it’s not what they have seen before at other weddings. I think that you should stick to your guns on anything that you want for your wedding that doesn’t negatively impact your guests’ comfort.
@Lucille_628: We just starting telling people that our reception would be like this in such a way that made it clear it wasn’t open for debate! Haha. Luckily, there have been weddings like this in our friend-group, so it isn’t *too* out of the norm.
@Miss Eagle: Sometimes the people with the checkbook have that kind of influence! Luckily enough, things like flower versus non-flower centerpieces — or even dancing versus non-dancing — aren’t huge ones in the grand scheme of things. Your wedding will be great too!
@Miss Ke Aloha: That’s great that your FI is so involved with your wedding, even if it might lead to some necessary compromises! I bet that your wedding will be spectacular because it will be a mix of both of your visions! Mr. Mole is on board too with the planning, but he is as left-footed as I am when it comes to the issue of dancing.
@ageis: Good point that you can’t please anyone! It’s so much more important to worry about having the wedding that reflects you, rather than what other people typically do. Honestly, I’m with you on the issue of cake — hence our ice cream cake at our party. Cake wasn’t necessarily a “must have” for our wedding.
@Coffee cup: Haha, according to the tux and church test, we aren’t having a wedding either! I hope that the trouble that you are experiencing on this issue is minor and resolves itself quickly!
@cmvmph: Thank you! We did pick our reception venues with the mingling type of reception in mind; I think that the set-up and layout of both restaurants will really encourage people to talk and interact with each other. I think it took a little bit of time for our parents to come around, but I also think that they expected something a little more nontraditional from us from the beginning.
@RoxanneV: It’s true that the person paying has the loudest voice in the decision making process! I think that simple weddings can be just as beautiful and meaningful as more elaborate ones.
@Miss Warbler: We are biased towards iPod playlists since that’s what we are doing too! It will all work out in the end. I hope that any flack you are getting right now will be long forgotten by your wedding day!
@Miss Longcoat: Man, I think that a daytime bbq wedding with some outdoor activities sounds awesome. I’d love to go to a wedding (or an un-wedding!) like that.
@amethystmeg: Yeah, I think that people can get so caught up on what you “have” to do in a wedding that they don’t even question why some traditions are that way anymore! Your wedding will be fabulous, cake cutting or no cake cutting.
@soon2beMRSgq: Haha I like your technique. I suppose the fewer details you give, the less reason people have to criticize! I also find that people have definite opinions about things during the planning process that are dropped or forgotten by the time that the actual wedding happens. Sometimes things seem more important at the time than they end up being.
Thank you so much for posting this!! I have had so many negative comments about me not having any dancing at our April wedding. We are doing the iPod for music and gonna have some games cause that more so fits our families. A wedding to us is having our family and closest friends see us take our vows and then celebrate afterwards.
We live in Key West so we are having our wedding here. It will be small with just immediate family and close friends as everyone will be coming in from out of town. We are planning an at-home-reception and I am planning on it being an open house style BBQ. I do plan to have our pics, and maybe a few other wedding things but definately not going all out.
I am pretty sure a wedding is a celebration of your love for each other. That celebration should represent the two of you now matter how fancy or laid-back.
@ttkels: I’m sorry to hear that you have been hearing negative comments — especially when it seems like you are being very considerate of your guests by providing the type of entertainment that they typically like! I recently went to a wedding that was located at a croquet club, and it was a lot of fun to play the game.
@Katie98: I really agree with your comment that it is really important to make sure that a wedding represents and reflects the couple getting married! We are pretty laid-back people, so we would feel out of place at our wedding if it were very formal. Your wedding sounds like it is going to be a lot of fun (and man, I am craving some bbq now).
GREAT post Miss Mole! We are having a small ceremony and will have about 30 guests. No dancing (even though I love to!). It will be along the lines of what you are describing- talking, mingling, drinking and cocktails on the lawn and then a dinner after photos. Probably 3 hrs total- It will feel like a wedding to me and my honey and that’s what matters most. Stay true to the day you envision!
I don’t know if people consider it a “must have” but we’re not doing the garter toss/bouquet toss thing. We think its uncomfortable when we go to a wedding and are practically forced to take part in these things, and we are the last people to get married so who would there be to catch anything? hahah! I, for one, have been to too many cookie-cutter weddings, and I sooooo wish someone had done something, anything, different! Our theme is vintage carnival/theme park midway, so we think it will be awesome, and hopefully our guests will too! I think the growing trend in more personalized celebrations is long overdue! Maybe we should all get together and have a non-wedding reception to celebrate that!
Mrs. Mole, Los Angeles/Las Vegas Age and Occupation: 29, Test Prep Instructor Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, User Experience Architect Engagement Date: April 2011 Wedding Date: January 2012 Venue: Wynn Las Vegas/Bouchon Bistro About Me: I’m a Wisconsinite-turned-Angeleno who is planning a destination wedding in Las Vegas. I am passionate about education: I spent 23 (!) consecutive years in school, and now I work to help other people get into graduate programs. I love running on the treadmill, buying bath products from Lush, learning new moves in step aerobics, and exploring my neighborhood on foot. I am sometimes snobby about food, but I am rarely snobby about books. I read everything from Geoffrey Chaucer to Iris Murdoch to Chuck Klosterman to Candace Bushnell. My fiance and I are getting married on our third anniversary!
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