Is There Such a Thing as an Alpha Wife?

Is There Such a Thing as an Alpha Wife?

January 26th, 2012 @ 3:43 pm by Miss Hawk
Share

While listening to an area morning show, I heard about an article featured in the New York Times opinion columns, titled “Alpha Wives: The Trend and the Truth.” From the radio conversation, it seemed like another discourse on men not being able to handle being with successful women. The DJ’s listed countless failed marriages: Courtney Cox and David Arquette, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline… And implied that the success of the woman was most likely part of the demise of the marriage. (Jesse James though? Really? I think we all know what his problem was…)

When I had a free minute, I looked up the article (and I’ll admit I was ready to dislike it from the start). I was surprised to find seven takes on the growing trend of women being the breadwinners in the family. All of the writers featured stats from the latest Pew Research Center Study and had positive things to say about growing equality in marriage and joint responsibility; however, the article was entitled “Alpha Wives.” Now I am all for a powerful, educated, and determined woman, but for some reason the “alpha” title irked me. Most of the contributors referred to joint responsibility in finances and taking care of the home as well as shared decision-making power. To me that says that no one is really “alpha” in the relationship.

The article got me thinking about my own relationship. Mr. Hawk currently makes a higher income than I do and also has the burden of being on the road most of the week.

Due to the circumstances, I often play house-mommy to the dogs and do the majority of the house up-keep. To me this is not us taking on traditional roles, but each of us doing our part. If the roles were reversed, I am confident that Mr. Hawk would pick up the slack at home. My higher income job certainly wouldn’t make me the “alpha,” just as his doesn’t now. I’m no expert, but I’m hoping our marriage will be a two-way street with shared responsibility in all aspects of our lives together.

Did you happen to read the “Alpha Wives” article? How do you feel about the word “alpha” in regards to relationships?

Tags: relationships, richmond |

Share |

Latest Gallery Pics

Hot Pink and White with Zebra 36" Lighted Spandex Ostrich Feather Centerpiece

15 Responses to “Is There Such a Thing as an Alpha Wife?”

Member

Lexy (message) 404 posts, Helper bee

Hmmm… the title puts me off as much as you.

If the roles were reversed and the husband makes more than the wife is he an “alpha husband” no… that’s “normal”, so it’s the deviation from some perceived set of expectations that means the woman has more power in the relationship because she’s the bread-winner.

Don’t we tell stay-at-home wives/mothers all the time that they don’t have less power simply because they are caring for home and hearth? Why is that not true for men?

Anyways, I make more money than my husband right now because he just started a business (law practice) and I have a salaried job. Of course his earning potential is significantly higher than mine so I doubt we’ll be in this position forever.

But yeah, he does more around the house because he’s home more (he works from home when he’s not seeing clients). So he feeds & walks the dog, runs errands, pays bills all those things. When I was unemployed and he was in law school I did all those things instead… it’s a give and take and it’s really beautiful

1/26/12 @ 4:35 pm (reply)

Member

Lexy (message) 404 posts, Helper bee

ohhh… reading the article now (which I agree is good even if the “alpha” makes me cringe). They have another of my pet language peeves in here though.

calling “women” “females” makes me want to punch things. If you’re talking about human females the term is “women” (usually). “Female” is a gender class that applies equally to women, dogs, fish, and spiders. So “females” are NOT the majority of college grads, “women” are.

1/26/12 @ 4:39 pm (reply)

Member

britoamor (message) 18 posts, Newbee

I think this is something that is very important to discuss and agree upon before saying “I Do”. I do think that more men are looking to marry an equal partner if life. However, it seems we are living in a transition time period where women are still expected to do the majority of domestic tasks while working full time. I think it’s still a bonus if a married man pitches in around the house. That probably explains the title of the article (i haven’t read it yet but plan to asap). It takes two people to run a household these days when most couples are both working full time. Society is slow to catch on to reality. My fiance and I are still in the midst of working out our household duties. It will only get harder when we have children if we don’t discuss expectations of each other before we get married.

1/26/12 @ 5:39 pm (reply)

Member

Mis Iris (message) 120 posts, Blushing bee

“Alpha” makes me think of Cesar the Dog Whisperer. Although we joke around about “dog whispering” each other, you know with the tsssk, snapping on a shirt collar etc. Now its one thing to have Cesar as a running joke, but neither of us actually believe we are the alpha. I agree….it somehow makes it seem like one of us is more important than the other. btw - my other half does most of our housework…. how lucky am I??!!!

1/26/12 @ 6:28 pm (reply)

Member

Future Army Wife (message) 1,110 posts, Bumble bee

I agree with the term “alpha” being off. Why aren’t they “alpha husbands?” We also fall into the traditional roles because I’m in a dead-end job who works shorter hours. But he was on leave, and he took care of all the housework.

1/26/12 @ 6:53 pm (reply)

Guest

Tangleudpinzen

In any dynamic, you are usually going to end up with someone who has the more dominant personality. That’s just human nature. The idea that it has to be the male is an outdated social construct. The term “alpha” also bugs me. The idea that “alpha” has to proceed “wife” implies that women being the dominant personality is a deviation from the norm.

The “alpha” status has flip flopped between my Fiance and I. For a while, he was only going to school and I was working full time. I made enough money that he did not have to work and could focus on his education, so he kept house since I was rarely home. After I was laid off, he was able to find a job before I was, so I took care of the house. It’s been that way throughout our relationship, but it has never been about who has been the alpha. It’s been about cooperation and mutual respect in making sure that the other is always supported and things made as easy as possible.

1/26/12 @ 7:02 pm (reply)

Member

Magdalena (message) 638 posts, Busy bee

I find it interesting that “Alpha” is viewed mostly in economic terms. My mother has 0 earning power but she is definitely the alpha in her marriage.

1/26/12 @ 7:35 pm (reply)

Guest

Armywife

ugh.. Alpha Wife.. Hmm funny. My husband thinks he is the Alpha husband and it works for us. He does make the money, but only because I chose him over a Real Career. I mean, how can I expect to have a career that I can get pay raises if I am expected to move every three years. Plus every other year He is deployed and I am left to take care of things by myself. Now we have had the argument over and over about him taking care of me. I caress his ego, say yes, I couldn’t do it the same with out you, but don’t worry I will always figure something out. Heck, I love him. He works harder than any man I know, he gives all - including giving up us. But he does think I couldn’t do it without him - I never want to know, I Never Ever want to know, so I don’t push the issue. But I know many women and men that take the back seat to careers but are truly what holds Everything together. Are we Alphas, no. But we love our spouses that think they are

1/26/12 @ 7:56 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Eagle (message) 879 posts, Busy bee

My Mom was the Alpha in her marriage to my Father, and they ended up divorced. She wanted someone to take care of her, and was sick of being the Alpha. But, my Dad preferred her being Alpha. Then, my Mother married someone else and he was the typical Alpha male. She took a submissive role, and really resented him. And they too divorced.

I think that the “Alpha Female” can be emasculating to men, and also de-womanizing to women. It all depends on the couple and person.

That being said… as somewhat of a (lady-loving) feminist: I think Alpha wives are GREAT!

1/26/12 @ 8:20 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Miss Scone (message) 131 posts, Blushing bee

So I am reading the article… it is taking me back to college, Stephanie Coontz and Claudia Goldin especially…. I digress

Agree with the information presented, not the title. Not a huge fan of the Alpha because of the connotations, Alpha always makes me think of dogs or bullies, not wives (or husbands for that matter)…

My parents were both the primary bread earners at one point or another, currently my mom is the primary bread earner. My mom also has more education… They are going strong with 33 years of marriage! In our relationship we have also transitioned from me earning more and traveling to her earning more and traveling. At some point it will probably change several more times, we step in when needed, for us it is about being flexible to life’s demands.

1/26/12 @ 10:15 pm (reply)

11.

Member

Vitsippa (message) 1,334 posts, Bumble bee

In a marriage, it’s a team effort and whoever makes the most money, cooks more often, does the laundry or cleans up more shouldn’t be a point of interest in 2012.

What irks me is not just the label of “alpha” anything but how labels like that, in itself, perpetuates a “better than and less than” attitude. A marriage is a team effort - lets me honest, someone will always do a little bit more cooking, or make just a penny more. It’s how the couple adjusts, works together, and get things done, all the while keeping the spark alive that’s really important.

On a personal note: I now live in a country that’s very into equality. It sounds perfect until you realize that they expect “their” version of equality onto others. What I mean by that is: if for some reason you’re an unemployed woman, you are automatically looked-down upon. There’s not so many immigrants, so the natives don’t even bother understanding what’s needed to find work for a non-native. Day 1: they will judge you automatically and come to horrid conclusions.

SAHMs are looked down upon because it too neatly fits into old gender stereotypes. That being so dependent on your husband must be a bad thing, and therefore bad for not just the woman in question, but bad for society in general so they impose their beliefs — ALL THE WHILE claiming it’s feminism.

Where I live, “SAHM” harbors all the negative meanings of “alpha wife”. It’s turns normal people into making judgement calls about someone they know nothing about except for their profession and how much money they take home. It demoralizes and spreads inequality.

A true equal society is one that respects a couple as a team and honors women for whatever choice she makes, that’s empowerment.

*rant over*

1/27/12 @ 3:05 am (reply)

12.

Member

Miss Ke Aloha (message) 479 posts, Helper bee

It really is a team, somedays I know I struggle with wanting to be recognized for all that I do for us, and then other days I feel bad for that. My fiance, he’s a strong man, he can walk in the room and he just seems big. He is wonderful, he adjusts when I am having that “need recognition day” Its not about being alpha for either of us. Its about seeing the other person for what they are and need and putting that first. I think each couple is different, and it takes a lot of listening. I do agree with some of the comments above about feminism. A few years ago when I told a co worker I was quitting my job (my wonderful, wonderful job), moving, leaving everything behind and going to be with my boyfriend from who had just returned from a warzone. She was so upset, asking “what she had marched for” and “why had she fought so hard for rights if I was going to give everything up” my reply was “for choices”
I loved working with this woman, I learned so much from her and her experiences and her enthusiasm. I’m thankful for women like her that put so much into the rights I have today. But it is about choices, and I shouldn’t be looked down for that.
My choice was to trust the wonderful man that I know, to trust he will take care of me and I will take just as much care of him. I have since found work again, not in the same field, not at the same pay, not with the same passion do I go to work that I once did. But I get to come home to someone who is worth much more than any of that.

1/27/12 @ 7:24 am (reply)

13.

Member

Coffee cup (message) 1,843 posts, Buzzing bee

FI and I were talking about this last night. We were talking about the house chores and how he feels that I’m not forced to do all the work just cause I’m a woman, he knows is a team work, his momma raised him good. Living in a world full of machos, I’m so proud of my man.

1/27/12 @ 7:29 am (reply)

14.

Bee

Miss Hawk (message) 598 posts, Busy bee

Thanks for the opinions! I really enjoyed reading everyone’s take on the article.

1/27/12 @ 8:43 am (reply)

15.