The Weddingbee boards have had quite a few threads in recent weeks about mothers who haven’t met expectations during their daughter’s engagements. We’re in a period when scores of newly engaged women are embarking on the planning process (the holidays, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day seem to create a proposal bonanza) and I thought I’d share my thoughts on the mother-daughter relationship during wedding planning.
Most of us have grown up with pretty powerful messages about how wedding planning will work. We think our mothers will be by our sides constantly during this entire process. We may even think that planning with our mothers will improve our relationships with them. We believe our wedding day will allow us to feel the pinnacle of motherly love and affection.
Image by Manuel Meszarvits
Some of our mothers will meet our lofty expectations. For many, though, our expectations are impossibly high.
We’ve chosen to believe those messages we got when we were younger and we’re crushed when the reality isn’t what we anticipated.
Despite knowing Mama Mink for 34 years, I was blindsided by her reaction to my phone call announcing that Mr. Mink proposed. I forgot to add that after she asked when we would get married, she told me that she had two other weddings to attend in the next year. I told her that I would hope her daughter’s wedding would take precedence over the weddings of the daughters of a friend. I laughed when I said this, but inside, I was deeply hurt.
Mama Mink isn’t a girly-girl. She’s a prim and proper woman who isn’t very demonstrative. I knew this, but for some reason, I expected her to morph into a bubbly, excited girlfriend who’d be fired up for wedding planning. I set myself up by expecting my mother to be someone she can’t be.
From Style Me Pretty / Image by Kristin Light Photographie
The little girl inside us wants our mothers by our side throughout this entire process, but we sometimes need to remember that as adults, we don’t need them there. I think it’s fine to grieve a little bit over shattered expectations, but then we will move forward with vendor meetings and decision making like mature, independent women.
In time, I became thankful that Mr. Mink and I were able to plan our wedding together. I love the thought of being the hosts of our wedding and I see my mother’s lack of involvement in planning as giving her freedom to enjoy her day. She won’t be worrying about vendors or time-lines at our wedding. She’ll be our honored guest.
From Style Me Pretty / Image by Lindsay Carole Photography
How have you involved your mother in wedding planning? Did your expectations for your mother’s involvement in your planning process sync up with reality?
This is a great post and with 4 months to go, I just came to terms with this. I wish I would have understood my mom a little better earlier in the planning process, I could have avoided some disappointments. However, I do enjoy planning this with my future hubby and she has come around in her own way. So when she is interested and asking questions, I let her have her moment.
I don’t think I had lofty ideas of how my mom should be involved with the wedding planning. Neither of us are girly girls (so, I knew there would be no tears with wedding dress shopping for instance) and I love planning things so didn’t really need help. If anything, she’s been more into the details than I thought. However, she told me right away that her and my father would not attend if it were in anything but a Catholic Church, nor would she help out financially. She also cried when I was going to get ready in a hotel and told all of her friends and family about how awful of a daughter I was (I didn’t even THINK about it hurting her- I haven’t lived at home for 12 years and my bedroom is now a sewing room with a futon…). I’ve been very hurt by her reactions, and I don’t think that it has anything to do with my having too high of expectations… but maybe expecting her to be happy for me no matter what IS too high? I do understand why she’s upset, I’m kind of breaking the mold with my family
I totally relate to this issue, but in a different way. I grew up very independent — my mom was a single mother with four kids and a more-than-full-time job. Now I live 700 miles away. I never expected her to be a big part of planning the wedding. Of course she would be consulted and someone I could bounce ideas off of, but that was our understanding with each other. My MIL, on the other hand, who lives in the same town we did, was upset at times that she wasn’t involved. DH reminded me a few times I should involve her. Families are just different and that’s part of the challenge!
Thanks for writing this post! I really appreciate your insight. I had been feeling “disappointed” with my mom’s lack of involvement. I know she wishes she could be more involved, but she just doesn’t have the resources or time (she works 50 hours a week).
This is such a great post. I actually had the opposite experience, but one that has affected me the same way.
My mother is a very prim, proper, shy person. She has embraced this wedding planning process with vigor to a fault – she’s incredibly opinionated and is acting as if this is her second wedding…complete will insisting we plan things that are outside of our budget.
I love her deeply, but this wedding has driven her into fits of rage, threats, etc. when our opinions differ.
Overall, I think this time is made out to be a great bonding experience, and people feel as if they are doing something “wrong” when it isn’t…I couldn’t agree more. We are adults, we can do this…
@Miss Peacock Feather: Exactly what I think many of us need to learn to do. When there’s interest, we happily let our mothers join in the planning, but we don’t expect our mothers’ worlds to revolve around us for the duration of our engagement.
@zippitydoodah: I’m so sorry your dealing with this. I imagine it’s hard for our parents to see us making our own decisions and not following in their footsteps exactly.
@hosannac: It’s definitely hard when everyone is in close proximity with different expectations! Good luck with the rest of your planning!
@melissa: I had to take a step back myself and look at things objectively. My mother is six hours away and is almost 70 years old. We’re starting to reverse roles, as typically happens when our parents get older.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I needed to read it so badly. While talking about planning, my mother is never very enthused, and can’t wait to get off the phone. She actually suggested that we should elope, so that they don’t have to fly down.
It’s been so disappointing. I guess I thought the same way, that our relationship might improve, but I find myself wondering if it will be any different for my brothers when they get married. I’ve thought that maybe, it’s just me. She has never really seemed to like me all that much, and maybe asking her to be happy for me is too much.
I needed to realize that my expectations are too high, and this post will help me to move forward, knowing it’s like this for many other women. Thank you!
Thank you for this post, Mink! I had some pretty lofty expectations for a lot of people, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that me and my wedding are not the center of the universe for anyone besides myself, and a lot of people just don’t know that much about weddings (must not read enough Weddingbee?) so they didn’t even know I had these expectations. I’m learning more as I grow up that expectations ruin everything!
@Miss Orchard: I think someone should study mother-daughter relationships during this time. The changes are amazing, no matter how old we are.
@P2TheDoodle: I think sometimes, people say things that downplay the importance of an occasion because they’re overwhelmed or scared of the changes that are on the horizon. I imagine it’s shocking to realize that you are old enough to have a daughter getting married.
@Miss Unicycle: Agreed. Managing expectations…such a huge task.
Great post! I can totally relate, but I guess the difference between your experience and mine is that I expected from the beginning that my mother would not be at all hands-on in my wedding planning. My sister was married in 2003 and she was also very hands-off, and that’s just how she is. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about us or our weddings, but she doesn’t care to know all the little details, or get excited about plans or parties. I love your point about your mom being able to just enjoy your wedding as a guest of honor and not having to worry about tending to attending to details. And it can make things easier for us!
My parents shattered my expectations rejecting my wedding (not my marriage) saying it was a waste of money. Eventually they came around and are now as involved as they can be without smothering us.
My mother and I butted heads early on in the planning process, because I expected to be making my own decisions while she was following the spirit of the mother planning her daughter’s wedding, as was her case.
We’ve worked it out. I get to research, meet, and consult but will always call her up to inform her of my progress an ask her advice.
I really enjoy wedding planning because I know she has my back.
My mom only complained about the wedding, start to finish. I was (and still am) very hurt.
OMG!! I totally needed this post! I have had a few breakdowns, one was lastnight…because I felt like no one, including my mother and soon to be mother-in-law didn’t care. However, your right I am having fun planning our wedding with my soon-to-be husband. Sometimes I just need to remember that. I know that either of our mothers would do anything for us, if we asked them to.
Thanks! I have to say that I probably had too high of an expectation for how my mother and fiance would feel about the wedding. It hurt to realize that. However, I realize that other people care about weddings as much as I do…which is why this online place is so amazing. Secondly, I think my FMIL has too many expectations about what our wedding will be. I think she wants it to be the wedding she never had. She even calls her dress, her wedding dress… which is so weird to me. But, as you said, we just need to take what we get because there’s love there whether they are not enthused or overly enthused about the wedding.
@Red Poppy: Thanks! As soon as I had that thought, my perspective really changed. 
@Coffee cup: Aw, I’m glad they came around!
@SnowflakeDS: Isn’t it fascinating that some women DO plan their daughters’ weddings? On RHOBH, it seemed as those the mother had more interaction with the wedding planner than the daughter. That might be a function of the daughter’s age, though.
@NewMrsL: I’m so sorry! Post on the boards…we’ll all swoon over your wedding!!!
@loberle: We all know the saying that you’re the only one who cares about your wedding as much as you do, but I think we sometimes assume that doesn’t include our mothers, that our mothers will be right on board with us.
@amethystmeg: Exactly. Even I have had to remind myself a few times over the last year.
I didn’t really have any expectations that my mom would help me plan my wedding and only found out through my father a couple weeks before the wedding that my mom felt hurt that I hadn’t included her more (even though I was planning from a distance and she was working nearly every time I came back to town for appointments…and I did, of course, include her in dress shopping).
The one thing I did really want to have with my mom was the getting dressed time. I wanted her to put me in my dress and do the buttons and for us to have those pictures and that time together. But when it came time for that step it turned out that my mom had spent the morning tying up loose ends at the reception hall and only had time to get herself dressed and no time to spend with me. I think, honestly, that not letting my mom know how important that time was to me may be the one regret I have from my wedding day (except maybe to have stocked the limo with more champagne, lol).
I’m in a slightly different boat – I actually feel this way about my father; I see and hear all these wonderful things about a father-daughter dance and the dad giving away his daughter – but we won’t have any of that (another story for another time!). It’s definitely hard when you are surrounded by how it’s “supposed” to be with parents, and you don’t fit that mold. I also wish my mom could be more present, but it’s hard with her being so far away and having a busier life than myself and Foxy do combined!
I had always imagined that my Mum would be well and truly a part of every inch of my wedding planning…however, just after I got engaged, she got breast cancer and is currently going through treatment. She’s still trying to help in every way she can but I am trying to make sure she doesn’t take on too much because she isn’t well. My expectations were once high, but now I’ve let those go because of the current situation. And she does still surprise me – she made it to my wedding dress shopping day with my BMs and it was a wonderfully fun day My only real hope is that she’s well enough to enjoy the wedding later this year.
Such a wonderful post, Mink. I think keeping expectations in line with the reality in all stages of wedding planning is a good plan, but especially with family members.
Mrs. Mink, Charlottesville, Virginia Age and Occupation: 34, College Administrator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 40, Craft Beer Consultant Engagement Date: November 26, 2010 Wedding Date: June 2012 Venue: Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards About Me: I left a pre-war brownstone in Boston six years ago to live in a funky, Southern city where Thomas Jefferson, Dave Matthews, and urban chicken keepers enjoy equal social standing. I still love my Patriots and Red Sox, but have fallen in love with Virginia. I work in education and specialize in integrating technology into my work to improve the student experience. I’m a diehard blogger, animal lover, jamband follower, and DIYer. I paint to relax and have transferred by energy from home projects to wedding projects in recent months. When Mr. Mink and I started talking about marriage, we knew our wedding would be outdoors, that my golden retriever would be part of the day, and that the music would be fantastic. We’ve taken a few risks during our planning process and we’ve been enjoying the process immensely!
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