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One of the biggest things we struggled with in wedding planning was choosing what sort of ceremony to have. Quite obviously, we won’t be getting married in the Catholic Church. I was raised Catholic (Priests and Nuns and 12 years of Catholic school are under my belt…) but I formally converted to Judaism around 3 years ago. While I still identify as a Jew, I’m not really religious. I identify as a Jewish Atheist, as confusing as that is! Point being, I wasn’t sure whether religion was really crucial to our wedding ceremony.
Beautiful, but so NOT for us / Image via NYCago
Because I am a Jewish convert, and because I don’t really identify as religious, I honestly didn’t feel like I needed to have a Rabbi marry us. I didn’t have family pressuring me to get married in a shul (synagogue). I feel so lucky that a Rabbi can even marry us as a same sex couple, but it just didn’t feel like us to get married in a shul.
Fiance Eagle was raised very non-religious (probably why we get along so well! She understands my Judaic atheism and listens to my evolutionary science babble) and felt like having a religious ceremony would be uncomfortable for her and her family. When I really thought about it, it would be uncomfortable for my family as well. My family members follow various religions. I also would feel like we just weren’t being us if we had a religious ceremony.
So, we chose to have a secular, legal ceremony. And this doesn’t mean that we can’t have a meaningful and beautiful ceremony. It just means that we won’t be mentioning God. To some people, this may be unfathomable, but for us, this is just our life. We both strongly identify as atheist evolutionists and mentioning God at our wedding would have been as inauthentic as a fake Prada handbag. We still plan on having a very beautiful reading, and our marriage commissioner will read a very beautiful closing statement that is reminiscent of a prayer, without mentioning God. I know my Mom would prefer that a Rabbi marry us, but it just wasn’t us. Sorry Mommy Eagle!
Did you choose to have a religious ceremony? Why or why not? For the couples that have chosen to have a secular ceremony, have you received any flack for your choice?
Against all odds (being raised catholic and having catholic families) FI and I are not getting married in a church, exactly as you explained we don’t identify ourselves as religious people and think of us as atheists.
This is hard because that’s something unthinkable in Mexico (89% of the population identify as catholics) so having a wedding ceremony that doesn’t include religion will be new for everyone attending. Hopefully we’ll pull it off.
It’s interesting to note that we had an extremely religious Christian ceremony (which we wrote ourselves, using lots of traditional forms and Bible verses) and we got made fun of for it by some, who thought it was too serious/religious. So there’s no pleasing anybody. 
@Coffee cup: I think you’ll be just fine. One of the most important things is being authentic to yourself and your fiance. Who cares if 90% of people identify as Catholics? You don’t. And thats all that matters. Your secular wedding will be awesome!
@Lone Star: Interesting! I agree, you just can’t please everyone. But good on you, choosing what you wanted. If the couple is religious, I think a religious ceremony is great!
Can I ask why you converted to Judaism if you are not religious? Just curious - I know that being Jewish has cultural/ethnic meaning as well as religious, but the only conversions I know about have to do with religion/faith, so I’m curious to know other reasons one would convert.
We’re having a religious ceremony in our Episcopal church, but I was raised Catholic and FI is Quaker so it will be somewhat of a syncretic service, and different for both of our families, actually. Also - you can be religious AND believe in evolution!
@Lone Star: I know what you mean - all of my friends who have been married so far have had secular ceremonies, so I will be the odd duck out! To each their own!
@farmergirl:I converted to Judaism because of my belief in the cultural aspects of Judaism.. community, tikun olam (repair of the world), mitzvot (command of the Torah)… and it was through my conversion that I realized I am mainly an atheist person. I know you can believe in evolution and religion, I was like that for a long time!
I guess you can say that I converted for faith, but realized along the way that my concept of God wasn’t something a theist would believe.
Hope that makes at least a BIT of sense…
@farmergirl: Also, I really identify with Israel, and the plight of the Jewish people.
Ha, I always call myself a Catholic Athiest! I’m the one marrying in the Catholic church so my mom/grandma/all my aunts and uncles will come. My fiance and I are both atheists, but it’s just one of those wedding sacrifices we had to make. At the end of it we’ll still be married I guess! Better to have the wedding we didn’t really want but have everyone we love with us, than to have one all alone. Oh but I have been tempted to just have our own little pre-wedding (like Lilly and Marshall on How I Met Your Mother or Pam and Jim in the Office) that only we would know about, just for us 
I wonder if anyone has ever done that in real life?
@zippitydoodah: Oh I am sure MANY people have done that in real life. I remember reading a blog about it, that a blogger here just had her own wedding with her husband a couple days before. They wanted something to them selves. Maybe it was on another site - I can’t remember the blogger name, or the site I saw it on. But its for sure been done before!
@Miss Eagle: It does! Thanks for explaining. I know in theory about the cultural aspect of Judaism but not actually what that means or is involved, so that makes a lot of sense.
@farmergirl: My Rabbi always says you can be a Jew in the middle of nowhere without a shul or a torah, as long as you have a community. Really, its all about food and debates and politics :).
That totally makes sense! Were we lost siblings? While I still consider myself quasi-religious (what I wanted to be a priest after college…;) I am Episcopalian officially with a STRONG affinity for Judaism and the cultural/social traditions (I think most of my Jewish friends started thinking of me as Jewish years ago…)
Like you we are going for a pretty secular ceremony…
I identify as Jewish Atheist as well! My fiance was brought up Catholic (but a “lazy” one…and his mother is Muslim…we joke that one day we’ll have “world peace babies”) so we’re going to be having an ENTIRELY secular wedding, if they mention God once, they will be docked some pay (and if anybody says Mr. and Mrs. His First Name and Last Name as well…I’m not taking his FIRST name, I have my own first name damnit!). I plan on writing the entire ceremony pretty much myself and just having the officiant read it so there are no miscommunications possible.
@Miss Scone: We must be!
@Cara: Yay! Another Jewish Atheist. I like your strategy of writing it out yourself. Here, when you get a legal marriage commissioner, its against the law for them to mention God. So, we’re good to go!
Secular all the way for us…not a mention of God in our ceremony either, but it was so ridiculoulsy special and loving! Yours will be beautiful!
@Miss Eagle: @Mrs. Honey:
Agreed. I find a lot of very religious ceremonies (not all, not generalizing, but a lot that I’ve personally been to) tend to spend more time praying to God instead of focusing on the couple…who the day is truly about! It’s a day about your love, it should be 100% self/couple-centered! haha. Maybe we should say a quick prayer to Cupid and Aphrodite
We chose a non-religious ceremony because neither of us are religious. However, I am spiritual and believe in a Higher Power, and wanted to incorporate that aspect into our ceremony. So we rented a church, are bringing in our own officiants, and are customizing our vows and ceremony by mentioning “higher power” at some point (although those details have not been finalized yet).
I think it’s great having the freedom to choose the way we want to marry.
Good for you! honestly I really didn’t have a choice - My in-laws are super catholic and would have probably refused my admittance to the family if we didn’t get married the church. Luckily, I was raised catholic so this wasn’t too much of a problem for me.
@Cara:
You know, I asked my mom about that because I’m not allowed to have any non-religious music or readings at my wedding (and we’re both atheists!). She said that the wedding is not about the couple, it’s about God. She doesn’t consider weddings outside the church to be weddings though, and if we didn’t have a Catholic wedding I think she would consider my fiance and I “living in sin” forever haha
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Miss Eagle, Calgary, Alberta, Canada Age and Occupation: 22, Medical Sciences Graduate Student / Science Instructor Fiancee's Age and Occupation: 23, Nurse Engagement Date: April 2011 Wedding Date: August 2012 Venue: Historic Lougheed House About Me: I'm a science-geek graduate student who is studying craniofacial malformations and evolutionary developmental biology. I have a passion for DIY crafts, amazing red wine, and all-things-wedding. Together with my wonderful fiancée, we are planning a formal black tie wedding filled with DIY projects and vintage decor. When I'm not reading about science-y things or wedding blogs, I enjoy teaching science-y things to kids and trying to be Martha Stewart incarnate.
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