Weddingbee Blog

For so many people it seems that selecting the bridal party is easy peasy. I had the absolute opposite experience. Choosing the bridal party led to dreams (nightmares), tough conversations, and a full on re-evaluation of who and what is important to me. I cried, and to this day I still feel loss when I think about the bridal party.

Better Half Anon (BHA) and I both wanted our siblings involved, so we asked each sibling to stand with us. Three out of four siblings gladly stepped forward and wanted to stand up with us. The fourth sibling, though, was a tough one—she didn’t want to stand up because she was “too old.” Yes, there is an age gap between us, but our older sibling gladly stepped forward with no contingencies. She was pretty adamant that her age was a serious barrier. There’s no way it could have been about “duties” because we are only asking our bridal party to pick an outfit, show up, and have fun. No extra parties to plan, no all-nighters on the town, no extra trips for weekend-long shenanigans, no shower games. It took several months to sort it out and convince her that we were having an equal-opportunity party (age and marital status are non-issues) and that we really did want her to stand up with us.

But to be honest, it stung. My parents were up in arms, and it took a lot to convince them not to get in the middle. We still aren’t sure if there were extraneous reasons for her initial resistance, but she seems to be warming up to the idea, finally. Thankfully this issue seems to be resolved, but it definitely didn’t make either of us feel warm and fuzzy.

We didn’t want a huge bridal party, but we did want one or two friends in addition to our siblings, which put me right in the middle of more challenges. I have two long-time close friends that I had always intended to include in my bridal party, but our relationships have been changing and not for the better.

One friend has made some choices in life that are toxic, and I have had to distance myself over the last year or two. My concern for her permeates my dreams; at one point she was aware of my concern, but now I don’t know. It took a long time for me to realize just how bad things had gotten, and after a lot of heartache and concern I stopped reaching out to her. I realize that I can’t change her decisions and for self-preservation I can’t stand by her side and watch everything go down. We occasionally have Facebook exchanges now, but that is pretty much it. She is one of my oldest friends and for more than half of my life we were attached at the hip. I still can’t imagine getting married without her by my side, but I want the friend I used to have, not the person she has become.

The other friend has always had a negative streak, but it wasn’t too terrible and we had fun. Then she had a bad breakup two years ago and it got ugly. Since that breakup she seems to lash out at her friends that are getting married or buying houses. The only major life change she ever shows happiness for is when people have babies. I have watched this pattern with a bunch of her friends—when they get engaged or buy a house she talks all kinds of trash, is pretty mean, and the friendship goes on the rocks (ends). Then they find out they are expecting, and all of a sudden she mends the fences a bit and comes around for the babies. Yes, it could be that she wishes she were doing these things. But instead of expressing it in a constructive way, she lashes out.

For the first year after the breakup, I was there for her no questions asked; when she had to get the ex’s stuff out of the house I came and helped her organize and pack things up, when she needed an ear I was there, when she had parties I showed up and helped her set up and clean up. After so much time had passed it started feeling like I was a doormat. I have celebrated her relationships, her birthdays, her house warmings (for rentals); I helped coordinate her dad’s funeral and supported her when her relationship fell apart. At one point BHA made me reflect on the friendship because it was painful for the love of my life to watch a friend treat me that way. I have come to a point where I would love to stay friends if she can be happy for me and support my life stages—maybe show up, even if it is painful for her. We won’t be asking her to stand up with us, though, and if she can’t find it in herself to be happy and supportive then we will have to part ways. If we part ways BHA has also been pretty firm that when kids come along this friend won’t get to just waltz back into our lives after being so hurtful.

When we started planning our wedding, I never thought that it would lead to me potentially ending friendships. I never thought I would cringe at the thought of asking people to stand with us as we say our vows. Not one of the problems faced in these friendships is related to the wedding, but the issues impact me and my happiness. It is a hard reality to face, but it is a necessary reality that I needed to choke down. My nature is that of a caretaker; I don’t tend to focus on what I get out of relationships—the companionship (good, bad, or indifferent) used to be enough. As we get closer to starting the next chapter in our lives, I am realizing how important balanced relationships are. I can’t just nurse the friendship along. When we get married we are choosing to surround ourselves with love and support. I am finally at a point where I have accepted the changes. And now after writing a book about the sucky side, I will get back to happier things.

If you are going through similar challenges, know that I am sending a cyber hug your way!  It sucks, and sometimes it stings when all you hear is about the rainbows and sunshine of wedding planning but in reality you are stuck in the nitty-gritty yuck of changing friendships or other craptasticness.

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Catch up on all past anonymous bee posts