So, one winter night, Lady T kissed me.
It was January 12th.
I was 15 years old. We’d been “watching” Pearl Harbor. (Truth be told, I only ever saw the first half of that movie.)
That kiss changed my life.
For four years after that moment, Lady T and I shared thousands of kisses. She was my first love, my best friend, and my biggest learning experience.
At this point in Lady T’s life, she had a girlfriend—she just didn’t tell me about it. She was ashamed of the way she felt—essentially, like many homosexual people, ashamed of her attraction to women. Because of this, she spent a lot of time lying not only to everyone around her, but also to herself.
I’ve always considered myself to be kind of asexual; I’ve never truly been drawn to one sex over the other, but rather am attracted to certain people. Like I mentioned in my last post, I have a sort of intuition that I tend to follow. Every person I’ve ever loved deeply has been someone that I had an instant attraction to, and those people are not all of the same sex.
So, if you have to label me, I suppose I’m a bisexual person. Although I’ll always tell you just how much I loathe labels.
So here I was, 15 years old, making out with my best friend every chance I got, and completely head over heels in love. The way I felt around Lady T was indescribable. It was heaven and hell all at once.
Because of Lady T’s discomfort with her own sexuality, we lied (mostly by omission) about our relationship for the duration. My family had always made it clear that there is no harm in a same-sex relationship so long as it’s a happy, healthy, productive relationship. So shame was never an emotion I felt when it came to my relationship with Lady T.
I remember the light in her eyes when she would look at me…but behind that light there was a lot of pain. Pain I never understood.
As those four years passed, Lady T made it clear to me that our relationship would not last because of her insecurities about her sexuality.
As our relationship dissolved, my heart dissolved with it.
I never quite gave myself to anyone else because it was just easier not to.