Hive, I know I’ve been absent lately. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you…I’ve just been busy as ever with work and moving and trying to complete last minute wedding tasks. I just got back from a business trip to Los Angeles (USC is officially the prettiest campus I’ve ever seen)…but before I left, Fiancee Eagle and I had some really, really hard news to deal with.
Her grandparents won’t be attending our wedding.
For as long as I’ve known them, they have been nothing but nice to me…we’ve been out to their farm to visit them several times…her grandma has shared her family recipes with me, her grandpa has shown me (and let me pet!) their horses…We thought that they were pretty much accepting of our relationship. They even had our save-the-date magnet on their fridge at Christmas. But, alas, they are not coming to our wedding. And it’s because we’re gay.
I didn’t realize what opening up that RSVP envelope and seeing “decline” ticked off under their names would do to Fiancee Eagle. This “decline” isn’t due to health issues or previous plans or travel constraints. This is a deliberate “not coming” because of me being a woman. If Fiancee Eagle was marrying a man, they’d be there. The hardest part is that they do like me. They genuinely like me and wish us well (and included a very generous gift with their decline), but us marrying each other “just isn’t right.” The whole situation is mind-boggling and unfortunate, and I’ve never seen Fiancee Eagle cry.that.hard. Her grandparents didn’t tell anyone in their family about their decision, and the family are all just as shocked as we are (especially because they aren’t religious at all). FFIL and FSMIL Eagle had no idea what to say to us and truly had no idea this was coming. I almost feel worse for them than I do for us.
After Fiancee Eagle had stopped crying, I went to some of my fellow blogger bees for support (um…I need to get real-life girl friends) and a very sweet Miss Treasure shared this video with me, which made me feel like I wasn’t alone:
Video via msknight421
Part of me thinks, “This is the reality of being in an “out” same-sex relationship, and you need to grow a spine!” because I am not used to homophobia AT ALL. I have long hair, wear a lot of makeup and wear dresses every day. I don’t “look like a lesbian,” so I don’t get “treated like a lesbian.” This is really the first homophobia we’ve ever experienced (oh, to be naive 20-somethings in a very accepting Canada…). Is this something we just have to get used to? Is this something I have to expect in the future when I introduce her as “my wife”? Or do I deserve more? Do we deserve the same respect that heterosexual marriages receive?
I fully believe that in order to be accepted as I am, I also have to accept others as they are. If I am asking to be accepted as a woman in a same-sex marriage…I have to accept others as individuals who are opposed to such marriages. The part that I can’t accept is how hurt Fiancee Eagle is. She feels unloved by them. After her cousin’s wedding last summer, all she could say was “I can’t wait to see my grandpa in his suit at OUR wedding next summer!” These people raised her. She lived with them full-time as a kid for a few years. While I respect her grandparents right to not accept our marriage…I can’t accept the way that this has affected her and how low it has made her feel.
I’m trying to focus on the unexpected “accept” RSVPs we’re getting—like my boss and her partner, who I didn’t think would actually come (but I am SO excited that they are coming! I think it’s nice to see work people outside of work but I’m always too awkward to set anything up) or my family all the way from Ontario (not too far from where Miss Dragon lives!). There are so many people who do want to come to our wedding and wish us well.
I know we’re going to have an awesome wedding and it’s going to be an amazing night (and the start to a great marriage)…but I’m still hurting for Fiancee Eagle, and also for her grandparents. I truly hope that they are at peace with their decision to not come and support Fiancee Eagle, because it has obviously changed how she sees them, and I know that it is going to affect their future relationship.
Did you have to deal with any unexpected “decline” RSVPs? How did you deal with the letdown? For any same-sex couples out there: how did you deal with disapproving family?