Hive, I know I’ve been absent lately. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you…I’ve just been busy as ever with work and moving and trying to complete last minute wedding tasks. I just got back from a business trip to Los Angeles (USC is officially the prettiest campus I’ve ever seen)…but before I left, Fiancee Eagle and I had some really, really hard news to deal with.
Her grandparents won’t be attending our wedding.
For as long as I’ve known them, they have been nothing but nice to me…we’ve been out to their farm to visit them several times…her grandma has shared her family recipes with me, her grandpa has shown me (and let me pet!) their horses…We thought that they were pretty much accepting of our relationship. They even had our save-the-date magnet on their fridge at Christmas. But, alas, they are not coming to our wedding. And it’s because we’re gay.
I didn’t realize what opening up that RSVP envelope and seeing “decline” ticked off under their names would do to Fiancee Eagle. This “decline” isn’t due to health issues or previous plans or travel constraints. This is a deliberate “not coming” because of me being a woman. If Fiancee Eagle was marrying a man, they’d be there. The hardest part is that they do like me. They genuinely like me and wish us well (and included a very generous gift with their decline), but us marrying each other “just isn’t right.” The whole situation is mind-boggling and unfortunate, and I’ve never seen Fiancee Eagle cry.that.hard. Her grandparents didn’t tell anyone in their family about their decision, and the family are all just as shocked as we are (especially because they aren’t religious at all). FFIL and FSMIL Eagle had no idea what to say to us and truly had no idea this was coming. I almost feel worse for them than I do for us.
After Fiancee Eagle had stopped crying, I went to some of my fellow blogger bees for support (um…I need to get real-life girl friends) and a very sweet Miss Treasure shared this video with me, which made me feel like I wasn’t alone:
Video via msknight421
Part of me thinks, “This is the reality of being in an “out” same-sex relationship, and you need to grow a spine!” because I am not used to homophobia AT ALL. I have long hair, wear a lot of makeup and wear dresses every day. I don’t “look like a lesbian,” so I don’t get “treated like a lesbian.” This is really the first homophobia we’ve ever experienced (oh, to be naive 20-somethings in a very accepting Canada…). Is this something we just have to get used to? Is this something I have to expect in the future when I introduce her as “my wife”? Or do I deserve more? Do we deserve the same respect that heterosexual marriages receive?
I fully believe that in order to be accepted as I am, I also have to accept others as they are. If I am asking to be accepted as a woman in a same-sex marriage…I have to accept others as individuals who are opposed to such marriages. The part that I can’t accept is how hurt Fiancee Eagle is. She feels unloved by them. After her cousin’s wedding last summer, all she could say was “I can’t wait to see my grandpa in his suit at OUR wedding next summer!” These people raised her. She lived with them full-time as a kid for a few years. While I respect her grandparents right to not accept our marriage…I can’t accept the way that this has affected her and how low it has made her feel.
I’m trying to focus on the unexpected “accept” RSVPs we’re getting—like my boss and her partner, who I didn’t think would actually come (but I am SO excited that they are coming! I think it’s nice to see work people outside of work but I’m always too awkward to set anything up) or my family all the way from Ontario (not too far from where Miss Dragon lives!). There are so many people who do want to come to our wedding and wish us well.
I know we’re going to have an awesome wedding and it’s going to be an amazing night (and the start to a great marriage)…but I’m still hurting for Fiancee Eagle, and also for her grandparents. I truly hope that they are at peace with their decision to not come and support Fiancee Eagle, because it has obviously changed how she sees them, and I know that it is going to affect their future relationship.
Did you have to deal with any unexpected “decline” RSVPs? How did you deal with the letdown? For any same-sex couples out there: how did you deal with disapproving family?
Kudos to you for handling it with such dignity and grace. I am so sorry for fiance eagle and the pain it has caused her..and by default you. Big hugs to you both. Maybe they will change their mind… you never know :-/
You have a good outlook on this…such as being excited for those that ARE coming.
Oh my. I think we all know that it is hard for some people in our grandparents’ generation to accept these situations. The important thing is that although they do not agree with your wedding, THEY LIKE YOU. They acknowledge your relationship, they just dont agree with the wedding. I think that is a blessing, because in the future things will not be hurtful. I’m sorry you both are hurting right now 
Maybe they will change their minds once they know how hurt their granddaughter is, maybe they will look at pictures and wish they had gone.
I’m aiming my good thoughts and warm wishes west!
Mr. D’s brother just dropped out of the wedding party, and two of his brothers are currently unreachable. I’m getting pretty livid about it, but Mr. D is just kind of accepting it with sadness. Our guest list is going to be much smaller than I anticipated, and it sucks to have family say no.
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. Hopefully some day they will realize the error of their ways. Lots of love to you and Fiancee Eagle. <3
I’m really sorry that this happened and you’re right; they do have every right to feel this way…but they have to know that there are consequences. I think what probably really stings, is that they knew that, but still had to decide not to come. I don’t see how that decision couldn’t alter Fiancee Eagle’s vision of her grandparents.
On the one hand, I respect their convictions. On the other, I think that their convictions are very wrong. I can’t imagine the hurt. I know how I would feel if someone told me that they didn’t approve of something that makes my DH who he is…devastated… especially if that person was someone whose opinion mattered to me.
I just wanted to reach out and give some interwebz support to you guys. I’m waiting for the day when this kind of behaviour is something we only read about in history books.
I’m so sorry you and Fiancee Eagle have been caused this pain. I can’t even try to imagine how this must hurt you both. Sending lots of hugs and wishful thinking that they change their minds.
I am so sorry this is happening. My grandmother didn’t make it to our wedding either. Not for the same reason but, it really was my dream for our wedding to have her sitting their. Those declines really hurt.
You two are Amazing! You have each other and so many other ppl who love you.
hold onto some hope, people do come around, realize mistakes and hopefully the relationships rebuilt.
I love that you are so open minded. And by no means should you have to endure hardships.
Sending good wishes, love and a prayer for healing. Hugs to you both
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Sending lots of warm wishes your way.
My FI and I are also dealing with a decline from his grandparents. While they haven’t come out and said it, I am pretty sure they aren’t coming because we are living together before our marriage. It definitely hurts.
I am so sorry to hear you guys have to go through this.
I am anticipating the arrival of the card from my grandmother (and only living grandparent), not because I am in a same-sex relationship, but because I am not getting married in a church.
She is super old-school, hard core Catholic, and declined to attend my cousin’s wedding a couple of years ago because it was held outside. I would feel the same way your FI did if I were to see that “no” coming in the mail.
I have to commend you, though. You are clearly looking at this objectively, and have made some very mature comments about the whole situation! I wish you both the best!
@futuremrsbrunell: Well I’m marking them down as no’s for catering, lol. I don’t think they’ll change their minds.
@soyjoy222: I’m sure they will. It just is shitty. Thanks for the love!
@Miss Dragon: Ours is going to much smaller too. I wish you could come to my wedding Miss D! I’m sorry to hear about bridal party woes. We luckily haven’t had to deal with that at all.
@Miss Treasure: Thanks! And thanks for the video 
It made me smile.
@ArwenBride: I truly hope that this sort of behavior dies out within a few generations.
@Mrs. Bunting: Thanks so much Mrs B – means more than you can know.
@Miss Ke Aloha: Thanks for the love
So sorry to you and FI Eagle for your grandparents not coming to your wedding. Happy to know that you are finding other ways to cope with them not coming but you do know that they love you both.
My wedding is in nine days. My parents and my two youngest brothers aren’t coming to our wedding because we had a falling out almost two years ago. I sent them an invitation but they didn’t even return the RSVP card. Only my eldest brother is coming but I have accepted that fact and I look at it this way…they don’t know what they are missing – it is their loss and not mine. My wedding day will be the best day of my life (besides giving birth to my two wonderful children) and they won’t take/spoil that day for me. Just because they are still angry and upset over what had happened – to me that is their fault. I am over it and over the fact that they are not coming to the wedding either.
Keep your chins up
@FluffyFTW:Wow I’m so sorry to hear they declined over you living together. We also have lived together for 2 years and my Mom wasn’t into it at the start either. I’m so sorry. That is not something for them to decline over. Jesus people are assholes.
@raspberry bride: Ugh, I’m sorry to hear your grandma will probably decline over religion. I think I would respect FI Eagle’s grandparents if they were opposed to this over religion… but they aren’t. They’re not religious at all. Good wishes to you and your FI.
@shnwhitcj: Sorry to hear about your parents and younger brother. But: CONGRATS on your marriage! So soon and so exciting. Go have fun and dance your butt off. Life is too short to hold grudges and it’s their loss. Congrats again!!!
I am so sorry that you and fiancée Eagle are going through this, and while I don’t have any advice or words to offer, I am sending lots of hugs your way. You will have a beautiful wedding filled with people who love and support you, and sadly her grandparents may come to regret that decision to not be there. I think you are doing the best thing focusing on those who want to be there with you!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this during the planning of such a happy occasion, and especially to hear how hurt fiancee Eagle is. But, what I got most out of this post is how lucky she is to have you. Your genuine concern and sadness for her, and positive outlook about your wedding day and marriage, is what will make everything that much better. And I’m sure you’ll have a very, very happy day with the people who love and support you!
I don’t think anybody should have to accept homophobia, just like we shouldn’t have to accept racism and anti-semitism. This is our generation’s civil rights movement, and we just have to keep up the peaceful protest of ignorance. In the meantime, I’m so sorry you two are having to go through this, and I hope her grandparents come to their senses and realize that love and family are more important than antiquated intolerance.
That video totally broke me down. I am so sorry to hear that your family doesn’t support you. I really dont know what to say other than that I will send you some good wedding vibes today.
I have such a hard time understanding this sort of thing. Even if they don’t support your decision to marry…it sounds like they support the two of you personally. That should be enough to share in in something so important, no?
I guess I’m of a simple mind because I kind of think of it like this…I don’t believe in wearing fur and in as much, I do not believe in wearing faux fur because to me, it symbolizes the same thing. I have a dear friend who’s all about the faux. I love her. I would never ask to borrow her favorite faux fur vest. I don’t like it and sometimes when I see it, I kind of feel a slight twinge of sadness. But, I keep that to myself. When she wears it, I don’t ask her to take it off. I don’t not go with her places. And I don’t not tell her she looks great because, seriously…she rocks that vest. And she never tries to get me to wear it. We both know how the other feels and we both accept it for what it is. Her vest doesn’t effect my life and my dislike for the material doesn’t effect her’s.
I know this is a super silly analogy but my point is that it isnt’ in my belief system but it is in her’s and so I love and accept her as is. Even if I’m unable to truly 100% support her decision, I am always 100% able to support her right and ability to make decisions.
On a much larger scale, someone may not accept a homosexual relationship as part of their personal belief system but that doesn’t mean that they cannot accept it as part of another’s personal belief system. That doesn’t mean that they can’t accept that you and FI Eagle are 100% capabale and deserving to make your own decisions together about your life.
I can’t imagine how painful that must feel to you both. Big hugs for both of you! At least you have the support of other family around you, and the love you both share.
all of these brides comments about their families not supporting them for various reasons.. makes me so sad… what is WRONG with people!? A wedding is not a time to make a “political or moral statement” its a time to support and be there for someone you love.
Mrs. Eagle, Calgary, Alberta, Canada Age and Occupation: 22, Medical Sciences Graduate Student / Science Instructor Fiancee's Age and Occupation: 23, Nurse Engagement Date: April 2011 Wedding Date: August 2012 Venue: Historic Lougheed House About Me: I'm a science-geek graduate student who is studying craniofacial malformations and evolutionary developmental biology. I have a passion for DIY crafts, amazing red wine, and all-things-wedding. Together with my wonderful fiancée, we are planning a formal black tie wedding filled with DIY projects and vintage decor. When I'm not reading about science-y things or wedding blogs, I enjoy teaching science-y things to kids and trying to be Martha Stewart incarnate.
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