The feasting part of our rehearsal dinner ended with Mr. Unicycle and I whisper-fighting about how to go about handing out the gifts to our parents and wedding party. We hadn’t discussed giving any sort of speeches at the rehearsal dinner, nor had we prepared anything, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. We wanted to thank everyone for being at our rehearsal, for helping with the wedding, and for being our friends/giving birth to us, but we also wanted to say something to the effect of “we will now be bestowing gifts upon you” but more eloquently. I mean, you can’t just stand up from the table, wipe the pizza sauce from your mouth, and start silently throwing presents at people. That’d be weird.
I married the devil, basically.
So the end of our meal went like this:
Mrs. Unicycle: Just stand up and make a quick speech!
Mr. Unicycle: You do it!
Mrs: But you’re the man. (wipes pizza sauce from mouth)
Mr: But this was your idea!
Mrs: But you’re the man! [clearly I’m good at debates. And clearly I’m a progressive feminist.]
Mr: We don’t need to give a speech!
Mrs: Yes, we do!
Mr: No, we don’t!
Mrs: Hello everyone, thank you for coming!
Everyone: WHAT? TALK LOUDER!
Mr: SHE SAID HELLO, THANK YOU FOR COMING.
Side note: Talking loudly is not my strong suit. I physically can’t do it. Old people are basically out of luck if they want to converse with me. End side note.
I don’t remember exactly what we said in the speeches, but we said something to the effect of “thank you for being our friends/giving birth to us.” Then I handed out the bridesmaid gifts one by one and said a little something about each girl.
Other Bridesmaid L: She had to listen to me talk about wedding stuff the most since she lives locally, and she also helped me pick out the venue and make other big wedding decisions.
Bridesmaid K: I applauded her for being the first bridesmaid to pick her bridesmaid dress. She’s also the “sister I never had” since she made the crazy decision to marry my brother.
I also gifted our reader/my cousin with a bottle of vino, and told everyone how I look up to her because she does everything a year before me, including graduating college and getting married.
Then it was Mr. Unicycle’s turn. He was unprepared to say anything about his groomsmen, and I learned that night that he’s somehow a worse public speaker than me. I’m pretty sure he just said “this gift is for Mrs. Unicycle’s brother. And this gift is for Mrs. Unicycle’s other brother.” How heartfelt.
He must have said something nice to his own brother though.
Next, we gifted the parents. I’m pretty sure at one point I thanked our parents because “without you, we literally wouldn’t be here tonight.” Har de har har. What a jokester.
Shortly thereafter, the party wrapped up, and the Unicycles shared their final kiss as an unmarried couple. Then I headed off to the hotel for a bridesmaid sleepover!