Hive, I was terrified of what our best man was going to say during his speech. I love Best Man M, but he has an interesting (though hilarious) way of storytelling. He often breaks off into tangents of five or more stories until you no longer remember what exactly he was talking about in the first place. He also suffers from foot-in-mouth syndrome and can often say offensive things without even realizing he’s being offensive. Many of our guests had never met our best man before, and we feared that our guests might not quite understand or appreciate his sense of humor. Despite all of this, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and allowed our DJ to hand over the microphone.
Apparently some of our mutual friends were also curious about how Best Man M’s speech would play out, because just before he started speaking a few of these were handed around to our guests:
Yes, that’s right. We played Best Man Bingo at our wedding.
Fortunately (or unfortunately for the bingo players) Best Man M gave the most perfect and appropriate wedding speech I have heard in a long time, so I am going to stop here and let him do the rest of the talking.
“Thank you, everyone. I’m Mr. Coyote’s best man and Mr. Coyote is my best friend. We’ve known each other for about 25 years, and it’s amazing to be able to say that; it’s a privilege to be able to say that. It’s a little bit difficult to describe our friendship because it’s so multifaceted. It’s very deep and very wonderful. I grew up with Mr. Coyote and I always like to say that your best friends…you have no idea where they came from. One day, and I think it was my first-grade birthday party, I see this kid in a blue sweatshirt and blue sweatpants and we’re running through my backyard together, going crazy, acting wild like kids do and the next thing you know…well, he’s been with me every step of the way through my own life, and I’ve been glad to be with him through all of the major steps and especially this extremely major step here of getting married to my other good friend Mrs. Coyote.
“I’d like to describe a little bit of what it was like to grow up with Mr. Coyote. It was almost like one of those ’80s kids movies. Like The Goonies or Big Trouble in Little China or something like that. We were always doing something. We were always getting into trouble, whether it was getting chased by dogs down Beech Street on our bikes or kicking one of our friends when we accidentally set him on fire with bug spray and lighters.”
At this point the room erupted into laughter and I was left shaking my head.
“Don’t worry, guys, I’m almost done!
“Oh and retrieving an ambulance for our other good friend when he cut himself with a fishing knife. So the reason why I bring this all up: I know it sounds embarrassing, but it’s not. It was actually a heck of a lot of fun. And in every ’80s kids movie where there’s all the boys, you know, there’s always that one special girl that’s a part of the team. And that’s Mrs. Coyote. And if I were to remake one of these movies; if I were to remake The Goonies or one of those wonderful classic movies from our childhood Mrs. Coyote would be that girl on the team. Mrs. Coyote would be there. She’d be on her bike getting chased by a dog while we were riding down Beech Street. She’d be kicking our friend when he was on fire while we all yelled, ‘Stop, drop, and roll, dude!’
“And finally, I think Mrs. Coyote would, while Mr. Coyote donated his shirt to stop the bleeding when our other friend cut himself, Mrs. Coyote would help to run and get that ambulance. What I’m saying is that Mrs. Coyote is not only a great addition to our team, but they know how to handle these things together. They can handle the challenges. I’ve watched Mr. Coyote grow up. I’ve watched him become this responsible and skilled individual. A mature individual. From all those crazy days when we were kids to who he is today. And Mrs. Coyote, when I met you, we were filming a show for our good friend, and that was the first time I laid eyes on Mrs. Coyote. And I told her one of my stories and she didn’t run. That’s how I know she can handle all of the things that are going to come their way in life.
“I want to thank all of you for coming out here. I want to thank Mrs. Coyote’s parents and Mr. Coyote’s parents and all of the wonderful people who helped make this happen and all of their family for supporting them. I want everyone to raise their glasses and to wish the best of luck, the best of fortune, to Mr. and Mrs. Coyote on their wedding day. Salud.”
*All photos are by the fabulous Upstate Photographers unless otherwise noted.*
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