Today, I’m sharing an article that I came across on Twitter some time ago and absolutely fell in love with. The article, “In Defense of Marrying Young” by Julie Shockley, was one I just felt I had to share. Now, I could leave the article as is and just say I agree, but instead I’m adding my two cents.
Below is the original article, with my comments added in bold and parentheses. And for information’s sake, we will both be 23 when we get married this April.
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For every person who gets married at 23, there are three people who complain about people who get married at 23. (A point that drives me especially crazy considering that having children as a teen is celebrated by some people in my small hometown…) I’ll tell you upfront: when I got married I was 22. My husband was 28.
One of the first arguments a young engaged couple will get is that you, being a young pup in your early twenties, aren’t even a “you” yet, silly! You aren’t even fully formed! You don’t even know who you are! Although most young marries find this statement to be condescending, I respect and understand what they are trying to say. I hope, though, that I am never done changing, never done growing. I would not wait until I reach a point of stagnation to commit to another person—if I did I would be single forever. Instead, I look forward to growing and changing with my husband. That is the beauty of a wedding vow—that you promise to love the other person through all of life’s changes—even the ones that occur within you.
The most irritating argument I’ve come across is, “You haven’t even lived yet! Go out there and kiss a few frogs! Your twenties are for dating around and partying!” What’s most striking is the assumption that we all want what you want. (I don’t assume everyone wants to get married young. Why is it assumed that as a young 20-something all I do is party? I don’t! In fact, the most wild I’ve been since college was upwards of four glasses of wine—at home!)
At a young age I met one of the good ones. Not a creeper, not a liar, not a player, not a loser. We dated for three years. According to your rules of how my twenties should be spent, I should…what exactly? Break up with a person who treats me well, makes me laugh, has intelligence and ambition, who has the same values as I do—I should do this so I can date around? So I can struggle to find guys worthy of spending time with? So I can wade through the dating scene? As much as I sometimes romanticize that phase of life and how passionate and exciting it is, I also know that it’s full of frustration, anger, jealousy and insecurity. According to you I should break up with a good man so I could go search for a man just like him?
Not all of us want to sleep around and have casual sex. (Not getting into this in detail since family reads this, but let’s just say I’ve never done the casual sex thing—just my personal preference!) I was a little too neurotic and insecure for that game. Many of us date because we are searching for someone to be our partner in life. To create a family with. We enjoy the security of a relationship that has permanence. A lot of people shudder at those things—permanence, commitment, family. I don’t. I want those things, and when I got it, I kept it.
My parents married young and have been together 37 years. My husband’s family married young and have been together 42. (Both of our sets of parents actually got married younger than we are. My mom had me at 24. Both sets are still together and happy.) I’ll be the first to admit that I view marriage through rosy goggles secured with unicorn hair, but as biased as I may be, equally so are the critics of marriage in general and young marriage in particular.
We have all seen couples who anticipate their wedding more than they do their marriage. (Error number one here. I can’t wait for the wedding but ultimately? As long as I wear a pretty dress and come out of it with Mr. Otter as my husband, we can cancel everything else!) We have seen couples fail to grow and change together, so they change and grow apart. We have seen divorces after a few years, months or days. But these occur at all stages of life, with all ages of people. Even if you feel that it’s a mistake to get married so young, it is not your mistake to make. The increasingly pervasive ideology of “if I don’t agree with it then it’s wrong” has got to stop.
I do not claim that marriage is for everyone or that family is for everyone. So please don’t claim that young marriage should be for no one.
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I definitely don’t advocate marrying young for everyone—I think it’s all about when you and your SO are ready to make that commitment. Heck, I don’t even advocate moving in together quickly like we did! But for us, this is the right choice. How old were you when you decided to tie the knot?
This was a great post, Otter. I didn’t exactly marry young (I’m 25, so pretty average), but Mr. T is the only person I’ve ever dated. Sometimes I wonder (and he wonders) if I’ve missed out on something essential, but – like the article says – why should I break up with someone who loves me, treats me well, and makes me laugh just so I can see what else is out there? That seems pointless to me. The whole reason you date around is to meet a person who’s right for you, right? You just have to do what’s right for you, and screw everyone else if they don’t agree.
Miss Otter, I love this post! When my husband (it’s still so weird to say that!) and I met, we were 17…we knew we didn’t want to get married right away, but we knew immediately that it was for real. Everyone…and I mean EVERY.ONE. told us that we were too young to know for sure…and that we shouldn’t rush into a serious relationship. We were together for 8 years before we finally decided that we weren’t going anywhere! And on October 8th, we made our 9 year “date-iversary” and on the 30th of September, we tied the knot! Love comes when it’s supposed to…and for me, that came at the age of 17. And if statistics are correct, we should’ve already have broken up!
Not all people who say those who are young and getting married need to “get out and live more!” are referring to partying. I hold that sentiment – but I view living as travel, trying new jobs, not being afraid to eschew ties to chase a dream across the country or across the world. While not impossible when married, it becomes a much harder decision to move or take on a new career/job/education. I also think there’s a big difference in the changes that happen in your early 20s and the other phases of your life. I think everyone hopes they evolve and change as they age. But, I just don’t think this defensive article truly holds up. I think, to the contrary, that it reconfirms the lack of understanding people have when they are younger, and how hard they try to justify it to those who question it. Statistics don’t lie.
This is so interesting! 23 is now young, but this is a very new thing! My parents were married at 21/22 and when I get married at 29 my Mom would have been pregnant with her third child! I know for me, I’m not the same person I was when I was in my early twenties and I’m so thankful I waited for the right guy, but the right person comes at a different age for everyone! We shouldn’t judge when people wait longer in life to get married and we shouldn’t judge if they get married young! Good points made across the board! 
This is lovely I got engaged at 18 and married at 19 and sooo many people had a problem with it. One of my husband’s aunt’s was 18 when she got married and she and her husband have been together for 41 years. They are the only people who never told us that we should wait and that it was a bad idea to get married young. (They might just be my favourites now!) We’re happy being married. It’s what we want, that’s why we chose it. We love each other and want to be together forever. That’s why we got married.
Oh, and my husband was 20 when we got married (18 also when we got engaged).
I love this post so much! I’ve heard it all as a young bride… That we’re still changing, that we should experience life single, that we’re too young to know for sure…. But like the article said, my parents were married young, as well as my grandparents, and they have been together for 25 and 53 years. So obviously, it works. I don’t have the desire to have dated anyone but my FH because he brings out the best in me and I bring out the best in him, and I also don’t have the desire to party, and I don’t have the desire to travel WITHOUT HIM. I know it will be harder and more of a future goal when we’re married, but honestly it scares the mess out of me to go anywhere alone or just with a group of girls. So for us, it is the best thing. For someone else it may not be. I just really really love this post. It says everything I want to say! Thank you Miss Otter!
My gynocologist is so guilty of this! The first year I went to her at 18 and told her my amount of partners she said “That’s a good number, you’re having fun like you should but not skanky.” And then I met my soon to be husband freshman year of college. And every subsequent year when I’d go into my gyno for a checkup and she’d say “Same guy? You’re too young to settle down!” I actually put off going this year for 6 whole months because I didn’t want to hear her make a remark about us getting engaged! I told her my parents got married even younger. She said it was a different generation. I said, “Not really, they got married in 1982, they were the youngest of their friends to get married, the youngest to have children, and they are still together 30 years later and so glad that they married young and had kids young and will now be young grandparents.” For the record, we’re both going to be (almost) 25 when we get married. My parents were 22 and 24. All of us completed college before getting married and were together for many years before getting married. I personally wouldn’t want to get married before graduating college, but after, why the hell would you wait if you’ve been together for years and know it’s the person you want to be with??!! I told my gyno “Actually, I’ve been waiting a couple years for him to pop the question, so I think I wasn’t quite young enough, thank you!” I don’t judge her for waiting until she was done with med school to get married and have kids. Her job is to check out my cooch and make sure it’s not diseased. Frankly I should be a dream patient to her for having the same partner and using protection for the past 6 years. I shouldn’t fear getting a lecture. Amen, Miss Otter!
Ps. At age 18 I had already done enough of the “casual” thing, had partied enough in highschool, and had traveled to more countries than many people ever will in their life. I’ve met enough guys in enough circumstances to know that I found a good one. Also I want babies before I turn 30, I’ve been itching for one since I was practically a baby myself, LOL.
Such a good post! It’s important not to project our own thoughts on what a marriage should be on others who have healthy, happy relationships. It’s one thing to be concerned if a friend is in a terrible situation, but besides that, any such comments are just wrong.
Great post. I felt the same way you did about that article. I was married at 23 and don’t regret a second of it.
Such a great post. I’ll be 30 when we tie the knot this summer, but we met when I was 22 (he was 25) and I knew then and there we’d end up marrying. It’s different for everyone, and you have great points– just because you’re older when you get married doesn’t mean you won’t end up divorced. So many other factors go into it than age.
As long as you go into your marriage with a sense of responsibility, gravity, and mutual respect for your partnership, I’m sure you’ll turn out fine. (And, as someone who waited, I do secretly wish we had married younger, at the very least so I could have started having babies younger. Oh well, c’est la vie! It all works out in the end anyways.)
I was 23 the first time… a fresh faced University Graduate. My Ex and I had dated 3 years in total, including the one we were engaged thru.
At the time, I was certainly of the mind set… we`ve been together forever, and are happy… so let`s get on with real life and get married (something a lot of couples do still)
Sadly, I think I made a bad choice. He had a lot more growing up to do than I did (reconciling his childhood / past with the responsibilities of adulthood & marriage). So he brought a lot of “baggage” into our life together, that I wasn`t that aware of before the Wedding (we only lived together a short time when we were engaged… because back then it was still considered a bad-thing to do prior to marriage).
In total we were married over 20 years, but only the first 5 or so were really any good… after that we stayed married, because that is what people did. (Also a bad mistake)
Looking back I do wish that I had done more with my 20s in the way of travel etc. BUT I also know that well, that wasn`t me at the time. If I hadn`t had married my Ex, then it probably would have been someone else. My priorities were different… I very much wanted to be a married grown up lady.
I find it fascinating now to see my own kids not married and approaching 30 (Mr TTR`s are over 30). I realize that they are waiting to meet the right person (a good thing), but at the same time, I can`t help but wonder if they aren`t being a tad tooooo fussy in their search for Mr or Miss PERFECT (honestly NO ONE is perfect)
Marriage is about sharing life`s experiences including … good times & bad, adventures, travel, a home, babies and an extended family. It is also about compassion and compromise.
I sometimes worry that “the kids” are missing out because they are too fussy. I know I am happy that I had my children young enough to enjoy them and do a ton of active stuff with them that I wouldn`t have been able to do if I was older when I had them
And it is nice to be also young enough when they leave home to actually take in all that life has to offer again without the added responsibility that Parenthood brings (particularly nice if one is still in LOVE with the person they married so looooong ago)
This time round…
Mr TTR and I are way past our 20s. I am in my 50s and he`s in his 60s. And we`ve been dating over 6 years.
I find it interesting now when we tell folks we are engaged and planning a Wedding, just how many say (besides CONGRATULATIONS)… WHY ?
Seems there is also a polarized opnion by the masses on not only Young People getting married… but Older folks as well.
Lol, like you say in your Blog Post… the answer lies in the fact that at least for us… IT IS THE RIGHT DECISION.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this! As a young bride-to-be, this really hits home. Like they say, different strokes for different folks. What’s right for one person may not be the same for someone else. C’est la vie!
I’ll be 23 and Mr. A will be 25 when we get married. Like Mrs. Treasure, Mr. A is the only person I’ve ever dated. My parents kind of figured that’s the way things would turn out with me, but what can I say? Sometimes a girl knows what a girl wants! 
I think age is such a relative thing! What’s more important is maturity levels and whether the marriage is what makes you really excited, NOT the wedding.
I’m from upstate NY. Marrying young just isn’t typical up here. Most women I know get settled into their careers and date their share of “frogs” before settling down. My 4 friends who got married at 25 are now ALL divorced. I am getting married at at 29 and sometime I believe it is too young. I mean, you have DECADES and decades with this person. Why rush?
Amen! Me and the fi met when we were 16 and 15, and then started dating when 17 and 16.
We will be dating for 5 years when the wedding comes around next year!
Pertaining the “people change” thing, we changed TOGETHER. Which brought us even closer because now we do a lot of the same things and can do those together. Of course we still have things that one likes while the other doesn’t.
It is really interesting how culture plays a huge role in how “young” is too young. Here in American, we see anything below 24/25 as being too young to know what we want and what is good for us. We are expected to go “experience life” in whatever form that may take and if we settle down, we are missing out. I met my SO when I was 18, turning 19 and he was freshly 18. We started dating immediately and have been together throughout college and ever since. Fast forward more than 7 years later and we just got engaged. Not because we finally figured out that we were stuck, but because I have not once gotten tired of him or become bored, not once have I felt that he does not think the world of me and not once has he failed to make me feel that this is the real deal. I like to think I have done the same for him. We waited so long because of finances, but we knew since the very beginning.
In Korea, where my mom is from and, of course, where she gets the majority of her cultural beliefs from, I am an old maid. She is constantly telling me I am getting too old and should have had at least one kid by now. She already had 2 of 3 by the time she was my age (26)!. I am not ready to have a little me for a little while, but it’s interesting to see that I am old in some eyes, but still too young in others. I was once told by a coworker I didn’t know what I wanted until I was 30. I told her she didn’t know what I want at any age because she’s not me.
Thank you so much for posting this, I showed it to SO and he apreciated it too. We’ve been together since we were 17 and have heard all those comments. Nice to hear our view put so eloquently
I’ll be 22. FI will be 29 (2 weeks to 30). This is his first relationship… I’ve dated my fair share. Thus I don’t think age has anything to do with marriage and if it is ok or not.
I didn’t find Mr. PaC until I was 25. We both agreed that neither of us would have been in the right frame of mind had we met much earlier. Once we met though, we knew this was it!
Mrs. Otter, Indianapolis, IN Age and Occupation: 22, Freelance Social Media Consultant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 23, CVS Shift Supervisor Engagement Date: November 11, 2011 Wedding Date: April 2013 Venue: Mustard Seed Gardens About Me: I'm a born and raised Hoosier girl, but a diehard Michigan Wolverines fan. I have a tendency to take too many photos and spend full days having TV marathons. Mr. Otter and I met in high school, started dating a couple years later, and moved in after a month of being official. He is easygoing and makes plans on a whim, while I'm color coordinating my planner and organizing everything in sight. He hates glitter, but it's my favorite thing. I have tattoos and he still won't get one, despite my attempts to convince him. We're planning a small, rustic, and (hopefully!) peony-filled wedding to get our married life started. (And yes, there will be glitter involved!)
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