OK, so I have a confession to make: I am most certainly, without a doubt one of the most easily stressed people out there. One thing that makes the top of the “things that stress me out” (and therefore should be avoided) list is not having control over my situations and surroundings. Yes, in my opinion, it is a general character flaw; no, I’m sorry, I cannot control it. Those close to me are used to it, and it only creeps up and bites me in the butt every so often. But jeez, I’m planning a wedding here!! And since there are not 72 hours in a day, and I can’t magically create things (although, my fellow brides will agree, that would make things SO.MUCH.EASIER.), I am finding myself having to relinquish control over more and more things as the planning progresses.
Sadly, this post is not about the fact that I have to relinquish venue-cleaning control to my mother in exchange for leaving for our honeymoon (yes, this stresses me out to a near-crazy extent). This post is instead about something that, while there are varying viewpoints on, I feel that sometimes the viewpoint I have is criticized, and I think it is important to address.
And the topic at hand, my friends, is bachelor parties.
First of all, I don’t really understand the concept: if you’re about to get married, you’re not single, nor have you been for (more than likely) a VERY LONG TIME. Some guys use this opportunity for a welcome break from the chaos of planning (well, the chaos of listening to their bride do all the planning) and a night out with the guys enjoying some completely innocent fun. OTHER guys, use this as an opportunity to basically do whatever they want.
Sadly for Mr. B, I have a major stigma against bachelor parties based on the latter of those two examples. I have always felt this way; however, it was, admittedly, made far worse by my first husband. Granted, this is not Mr. B’s fault, and he should be able to enjoy a good time with his friends based on the innocent-good-time model of bachelor parties. HOWEVER, despite all the trust and faith I have in Mr. B, any mention of a bachelor party and I get anxiety. I literally become a crazy person. Rationally, I know I’m being completely irrational and ridiculous. The problem is: I sincerely can’t help it. I have no control over what they plan or how it happens, which, honestly, knowing my need for control, only perpetuates the problem.
It’s a tough subject because none of my friends share my opinions, and his friends, while they know how I feel, think I’m being ridiculous and basically think it’s a joke. It’s hard to deal with, especially when I’m in the minority. I know there are many brides out there who share my feelings, whether or not they’d like to admit it, and oftentimes it’s hard to deal with. I’m jealous of my friends who can be so calm and collected (and lax) when it comes to such issues—I wish I could just let it all go. But even when I try, it lasts about five seconds and I’m back to being stressed out about, well, nothing.
Are you like me and think that bachelor parties are unnecessary evils you wish you could just take control of? Or are you one of the cool, calm, and collected ones that tells your husband-to-be to just go have fun?
I do not lose my shit at the idea of strippers and body shots. But I might have lost my shit if the week before we married my husband had to go bury his face in some other woman’s breasts.
Thankfully MrJ’s best man was his brother and sucks at that sort of thing. There was no party. I left the rehearsal afterparty early so he could have a good time without me, but plenty of my friends were there to keep an eye on him.
My “bachelorette” was me buying massages and pedis for me and mom and my SIL/MOH telling everyone at the spa she got a facial instead because she was pregnant and it WAS great and they was so excited…
I don’t get stressed about it, because Mr. Toadstool’s GMs are not really party animals (and there are not strip clubs in town) I think it’s nice if they want to go out and do stuff, but as you said, they are not bachelors and as almostmrsj mentioned, I’ll be very worried if my husband to be felt the need to “be free” days before our wedding.
I was able to let go and have fun because Mr. H’s friends are all pretty safe, nerdy guys anyway (and I don’t mean that in a bad way at all — I just know them and strippers and whatnot aren’t really their type). And actually, most of Mr. H’s friends have ended up asking HIM to plan their bachelor parties, because they know he will plan some fun activities but that it won’t end up being too crazy a night. It will be okay!
Miss Buffalo, I LOVE this! I read this and immediately felt like someone else finally understood control-freak, anxiety-ridden, planner of all things, ME! I stressed over every wedding detail, bachelor party included! Not because of my guy or a lack of trust, but because some of his buddies are trouble. I controlled this as much as was possible by getting them a hotel within walking distance of the bar. The rest I had to let the guys do or be THAT girl. Pretty much my whole bachelorette weekend, I waited for a phone call from jail. But the guys ended up getting too drunk the night before and so did nothing the rest of the weekend. SCORE!
I have no problem being “that bitch who said no strippers” LOL. He hasn’t been single in almost 6 years, there’s no celebrating his last night as a single man, he should have done that back when he was actually single. #sorrynotsorry
He knows you, and he’s not going to do anything stupid.
If you need a bit of control – Maybe try giving him a time? Have a bachelor party, but make ask the groomsmen to make it a progressive lunch -start at one place for like a local brewery or winery for entree, move to next for mains (a pub or distillery maybe), laser tag for afternoon before dessert at a classy wine bar.
Bet they’re so knackered after they’re in bed by 9, whether they tell you or not! 
)
It’s OK, many people feel the same way as you do, including myself. Just talk to your fiance about it and he should understand. It doesn’t matter what his friends think about it because, well, they’re not marrying you. I talked to my fiance about it because I too feel like, as my sister said so eloquently, “paying another woman to put her tits in your face does not scream commitment”. I really freaked out about the bachelor party but my fiance was surprisingly understanding, and even suggested we have a bachelor / bachelorette party together at a casino. Not that you have to do that, but just talk to your fiance and tell him where you’re coming from. He should understand given your history.
Hi, I used to really suffer from anxiety, but fortunately through a very patient H2B and me really trying to understand why I felt like it, Ive felt tons better the last 2years. For me, in summary, if your man is going to cheat or do stuff you aren’t happy with, it will happen and you just can’t control it. You up have to accept that trust really means trust and we all deserve (unless we have cheated), to enjoy things such as Bachelor parties and to allow each other to have fun, without feeling guilty and wrong, as it’s not fair. Your man loves YOU and the best gifts you can give him for a happy healthy marriage ahead are love and real trust. I would recommend piling this energy into your hen night and get excited about that. For me it was lack of self worth, but I realise I am as good as anyone else and worth being with. I hope this helps, I feel it’s best to be honest x
I would like to copy & paste BookishBelle‘s comment. I’m totally fine with him having a good time with his guys, but there will be no strippers involved. Especially since his ex is one, haha.
Hi, I just want to say I didn’t mean to sound like a ‘know it all’, as I’m certainly not and I realise every situation is different. I hope you can find a way to work it out 
x
I don’t like the idea of my FI going out to oogle other women, or get crazy drunk, or anything else super party-riffic. It makes me really nervous for him, mostly because I have a huge vomit-phobia so I don’t want him getting sick! But since I want a fun girls night out, I think he should get something also. In my mind, I changed the label to a “Boys Night Out” or something else, to remove the “Bachelor Party” stigma. It also helps that my FI would rather go to a soccer game with his friends than out to a club or anything. And while he may end up super drunk, I told him his friends have to take care of him that night, I don’t want to be stuck caring for a stupidly-sick boy when it is his and their fault!
@BookishBelle: +1.
I don’t understand the concept, either. Thankfully, we may not even have bachelor/bachelorette parties: most of our friends and family are OOT. I’d like to have a nice dinner with my FH, celebrating the fact that we’re about to get married – instead of lamenting the fact that we’re no longer single. 
We had a big talk on this (not argument, just heated discussion) just the other day. His friends have talked about it. I said “look but no touch” and he seems to be fine with it but I know he would not want to be the lame one when his friends buy him a lap dance. So he suggested I come along with him to keep his boys in check. Hell would freeze over! No way am I being that girl.
I will say that when I saw my email blow up with all the comments…I was a little scared they were all from people who DISagreed with me! You guys all made me feel so much better!
@almostmrsj: HAHA I am horrible at the what-if, so I know what you mean. And I think that whole fact that these events are usually RIGHT before the wedding when you’re already stressed enough that makes it worse!
@almostmrsj: I wish there were no establishments like that here! HA! That would make me feel SO much better!
@Mrs. Hyena: I know EXACTLY what you mean by that! And it is a good thing!
@Cookie: I could NEVER have done them the same weekend! OMG I wouldn’t have any FUN at ALL!@BookishBelle: I LOVE this! And Thankfully, my concern about this is usually for nothing, because even when he was single, I haven’t heard a single story about him ever going. But you’re right, they had plenty of time to do things like that!
@Maria: I seriously contemplated doing a joint one. BUT in the end it didn’t work out that way! I know Mr. B would have done it if I’d pressed the issue though.
@clairem34: So I am completely honest about these things! And Mr. B could probably perform my “speech” verbatim! But he loves me, and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me (because he knows what’s gonna happen if he does!) And you didn’t sound like a know-it-all, trust me
@Miss Otter: I’m sorry, but I love this! I @NowDontLetsBeSilly: I know it’s sounds RIDICULOUS! But seriously, if the guys wanted to go to Palm Springs to play golf and spend the night any other time, It wouldn’t even phase me. But you add the title of “Bachelor Party” and I become a crazy person! There’s just this negative stigma about that name!
@shaynapunim: Thats a really cute idea! (and you’re lucky everyone lives out of town and you won’t even have to worry about it!)
This will not be his only bachelor party – other friends will get married in the future so I think you two really need to talk it out and get on the same page. It sound like you just need to in a calm non-fight way be able to tell him your concerns and have him really hear them and respond and reassure you about what will and will not happen. You can’t really control him now or in the future so the best thing is to both get on the same page.
@Dela2012:
I feel like the difference is when it’s HIS bachelor party, there are many guys with all their attention on him pressuring him to drink more, to get a lap dance, etc. Whereas if it’s someone else’s, and he’s the “old married man” nobody cares about how “lame” he is and won’t pressure him to do things. I trust him on his own 100%. I don’t trust his friends or any person who is blackout drunk, or his friends not to pressure him to become blackout drunk, lol.
I was a little worried and I have them some rules before they went out. They were supposed to go paintballing but the best man did a terrible job planning anything so they went out to a pub and got drinks and food and basically just had a big ol’ nostalgia-fest (the best man didn’t even show up and ended up being demoted to groomsman that night because of his complete lack of doing anything at all for the wedding or to support my husband. We were prepared to kick him out the bridal party entirely because he never even went ot get fitted for a suit until 3 DAYS before the wedding!). Anyways, the rule I gave them was “no strippers”. They were good boys and cooperated (even though they’d teased me otherwise). For my dad’s bachelor party, my mom’s best friend’s fiance went with them to make sure that the groomsmen didn’t make my dad do anything bad. All they did was buy him blue-nun wine (because my parents are Catholic) and they just hung around and went drinking too. But sending someone you trust to keep tabs on them might make you feel better.
: @BookishBelle: I can see that and understand. I’m just saying that this isn’t the only situation where he’s going to have to listen to your concerns and treat them as valid and address them, whether he agrees with them or not.
I totally get how you’re feeling Miss Buffalo! Our wedding is still over a year out, but my FI has been planning a bachelor party for his best man who is getting married this spring. For our BM’s party, he just wants to go camping. My FI is totally against it. He wants a big, crazy blowout for his- possibly Vegas. It’s still a long way off, but I’m already getting a little worried!
Mrs. Buffalo, San Diego, CA Age and Occupation: 26, Treasury Services Representative Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Manufacturing Engineer Engagement Date: July 28, 2011 Wedding Date: September 2012 Venue: Bailey's Palomar Resort About Me: I’m a So Cal girl who doesn’t like the ocean (or sand) and would much rather be out in the country. I’m a Gleek and a Twi-hard, I enjoy baking, reading, watching old movies, and listening to country music. We both love football season, and thankfully our two favorite teams are in different conferences (and therefore rarely play each other). He’s a die-hard Indianapolis Colts fan, and I love the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (and YES, we’re both born and raised San Diegans). He’s my best friend, and I can’t wait to begin the journey of our lifetime together.
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