The Sword in My Side

I’m struggling with how to write this post. On the one hand, it has little to do with wedding planning. On the other hand, it has everything to do with my life over the next few months, which coincidentally is also when I’m doing a ton of wedding planning.

Hive, I’m feeling a bit down. Mr. Sword has been switched to a new project that starts the week after Thanksgiving. This new project is in Kansas City. Phase One is scheduled to go into the summer. Who knows what will happen after that?

The current plan is that he’ll work Monday through Friday in Kansas City and fly home to Chicago on Friday evening. We’ll have the weekends together. And I suppose they’ll even fly me there to see him sometimes. This would be a promotion of sorts, as Mr. Sword would take a position with more responsibility and this is a good career move for him because he has been sort of stagnant at his current project. (Mr. Sword is a software engineer for those inquiring.)

So I’m being flexible. I’m doing what’s best for our little family. I’m going to attempt to get used to this not living with my partner full-time thing. But I think it sucks.

birthday-party-prom-4th-of-july-031

4th of July 2010, visiting family in MN

He’ll be living out of a hotel most likely, working late all the time, and eating greasy, unhealthy foods. I swear the only way Mr. Sword eats any whole grain, fruit, or veg is because of me! I’m concerned he’ll be exhausted from the constant traveling (wouldn’t you get sick of it?) and I’m certain he’ll get sick of living out of a suitcase.

But Mr. Sword is up for the challenge. And I’m excited that he gets to explore another city in the US! I mean, this is the same guy who moved here from Scotland after living in Melbourne for a year. Clearly the man likes to travel!

england-family-trip-191

Glasgow, Scotland 2011, the year my family went to the UK

If you’ll allow me to whine for a minute longer, I’m just really, really bummed that it’s happening right now! We are about four months away from the Big Day and he’s my number one wedding planning helper. I’m so blessed and grateful to have such an involved and supportive groom-to-be, he can’t be MIA for days at a time! I usually ask for his help on every decision because 1) It’s both of our wedding, 2) he’s smart and practical, 3) he’s got a crazy amount of opinions (in a good way)!

I know it could always be worse. What if they didn’t fly him home on weekends? What he was in the military like my good friend Fatty’s husband who is gone for six months at a time in a different country/time zone?

It’s just frustrating because we don’t have a lot of job freedom with him being here on a visa. This Kansas City thing is firing me up to get all of our paperwork filled out ASAP so we can apply for his green card the day after the wedding!

Honestly, I think I’ll be fine once it starts. I’ll be OK once we get into the swing of things. I know we can talk over Skype, and text or email all day. I know I’ll have lots of amazing girlfriends to hang out with on a regular basis and he’ll have buddies to have a beer with after work, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to start off my marriage seeing my husband two days a week.

And honestly the waiting is killing me. Oh, did I forget to mention that I found out about his new job assignment a mere three hours after my dress debacle the night before my shower over Skype? Yep, that was back in early October. As the date looms closer I find myself picking fights with him for no reason other than I’m frustrated with the situation, and I’m just constantly thinking about how cold the bed will be when he’s not there. I live in a garden apartment, and those of you who live below ground level know what I’m talking about—it’s a serious concern!

My mind wanders and I can’t help but think, “who’s going to check to make sure both doors are locked before we go to bed? Who’s going to go out late at night to fill the car with gas so I don’t have to leave the house when its super dark? Who’s going to start dinner on the nights I work late?” and “Who’s going to make me laugh when I come home in a bad mood because of something that happened on the bus?”

fall-2011-211

Miss Sword’s famous photo pose and Mr. Sword judging

Yea, I know, I’m pretty to lucky to have him. He’s the best. That’s why I’m feeling down.

(all photos personal)

Thanks for listening. I’ve heard Kansas City has great barbecue, and it’s only an hour flight away. Any other words of wisdom?

BLOGGER

Mrs. Sword

Location:
Chicago
Wedding Date:
March 2013
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comments

  1. Member
    marmalade 296 posts, Helper bee @ 7:13 am

    After living apart from Mr. M for most of our relationship and nearly all of our extended engagement, I can tell you that what you are feeling is totally normal and reasonable (even the picking fights thing, I totally did it too). The good news is that technology helps close any distance AND reunions, however brief will be that much sweeter! good luck!!

  2. Guest Icon Guest
    b, Guest @ 7:15 am

    Please take into consideration the soon to be brides or the newlywed brides whose spouses are overseas fighting for our country who are in harm’s way daily. Months on end without seeing each other and who knows when they even have the chance to communicate via email or skype. Maybe that will help you deal with the distance and be grateful for your weekends together. Be happy for your fiancé that he has the opportunity to advance in his career field as well…not everyone is so lucky…

  3. Member
    wubewe 143 posts, Blushing bee @ 7:21 am

    My FI is one of those military guys who will leave for months at a time to foreign time zones. We’ve also just come out of 3 years of long distance. However, this is not supposed to be a post about “others have it worse, be grateful!”, this means I get it. The thing that really helped us through the long distance was having timelines, both for the short and long term. This means always having the next visit planned (if that’s every weekend for you guys, that part is easy!) as well as having a timeline for how long this the “apart times” as we called them will be. If his commuting to Kansas City is only for the length of this project, then maybe this won’t be such an issue. However, it is really important to be honest about how long you’re willing to do this, and then stick to it. The indefinite long distance can be extremely wearing on a relationship.

  4. Member
    mrshollinger 1013 posts, Bumble bee @ 7:25 am

    My lover often spends up to 4 nights away from home a week (and once or twice more!) and I have learned to enjoy the alone time.

    Honestly, I get to eat what I want (cereal @ 6pm?) and watch what I want (SYTTD, Grey’s, Once Upon A Time…. marathons) and go to bed when I want.

    I do miss him (OF COURSE I MISS HIM) but I enjoy time by myself as well.

    I have always been this way, hopefully you will not be too sad!

  5. Member
    gypsy1899 8 posts, Newbee @ 7:36 am

    I commiserate–my fiance and I have spent the majority of our relationship 5 hours apart, traveling back and forth to visit each other on weekends. What really helps is having an end date for the long distance portion of your relationship (in our case we knew it would be two years), because there’s that light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. We also talk every night and gchat/text throughout the day, so we’re never disconnected. We schedule conference calls and skype sessions to talk with vendors so he’s always part of the conversation. It’s no fun, but it makes it easier.I’m with you on the not eating well thing–I’m constantly berating him for subsisting largely on frozen meals and rice! You can remind your fiancee that his bachelor days are numbered and maybe send him care packages of salad…or maybe one of those Edible Arrangements? ;-)

  6. Member
    bracelet 1419 posts, Bumble bee @ 7:40 am

    *hugs* Long distance can be tough, but from my personal experience I also believe that it strengthens your communication skills. Skype is truly a gift from the gods. :)

  7. Guest Icon Guest
    mysticalmomentsindia, Guest @ 8:07 am

    Would love one to keep our engagement photos in!

  8. Member
    mholden 167 posts, Blushing bee @ 8:09 am

    I basically get all my relationship advice from TV shows. This happened on Friends and Monica and Chandler got through it (well, he quit his job eventually). You can too!

  9. Guest Icon Guest
    Lone Star, Guest @ 8:29 am

    A few months into our newlywed year, DH was sent to a city about 4 hours away by car. He worked there 2 months and only came home on the weekends. It was totally hard, but we did webcam every single night. Most of the time we’d put it on and then put it on mute while we watched TV or whatever– felt like we were hanging out. It helped! Allow me to recommend investment in a good webcam for both of y’all! (face time isn’t the same b/c it’s hard to prop up for hours)

  10. Guest Icon Guest
    39bride, Guest @ 8:31 am

    It sounds like you’re doing a great job handling this! What you said here really jumped out at me, though:

    “As the date looms closer I find myself picking fights with him for no reason other than I’m frustrated with the situation, and I’m just constantly thinking about how cold the bed will be when he’s not there.”

    Talk to your friend who is a military wife; she will recognize the phenomenon immediately. It is so common for military couples to fight when the deployment date gets close–it’s their subconscious way of distancing themselves and preparing for the absence. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. And hug him a lot when you’re not fighting. ;)

  11. Member
    Oxfordnerd 502 posts, Busy bee @ 9:18 am

    I hear ya, I’m in the exact same situation – FI moved 2,5 hours (and an expensive!! journey) away for a job and I had to stay here because I couldn’t drop everything as his is a 10 month contract with an uncertain future (again…) after that. It sucks after 4 years of living together, and I totally get the concerns about being alone at night and having no one to cuddle when you get home. The bees will be here to help you with wedding planning though!
    FI and I had an epic fight right before he had to leave on Sunday night… it wasn’t a fun way of saying goodbye and I’m so relieved to hear it’s normal and that I’m not a psycho who is just picking fights!

  12. Member
    hosannac 194 posts, Blushing bee @ 9:26 am

    Hugs to you! You’ll get through it and a good career opportunity doesn’t come along too often. And there is so much technology to help keep in contact with each other! What I really wanted to add is that, as a Chicago-area Bee myself, KC is an awesome place. It’s very easy to travel back and forth. It could be worse — he could be much further and in a boring town. You’ll get through it — just make the weekends count. Don’t fill it with housework and wedding, but instead fun dates and cuddling!

  13. Member
    mspony 9265 posts, Buzzing Beekeeper @ 9:36 am

    You have every right to be bummed about this! Mr. P moved away four months before our wedding and it sucked, but it helped knowing that there was an end to the separation. You’ll always have the bees :)

  14. Member
    shortbread 290 posts, Helper bee @ 9:45 am

    You have every right to feel what you’re feeling. It’s a tough situation but your support system will get you through it. At least it’s just temporary. Just think of all the secret single behavior you’ll get to exhibit while home alone. You can watch Sex & The City on repeat and eat asian take out like I do :).
    My fiance travels back to Scotland several times a year for work and is gone weeks at a time. I do really miss him but also know that it strengthens our relationship. I learn to appreciate everything about him and how great we are together. Kansas City does have great bbq and hopefully you’ll both love exploring a new city.

  15. Member
    charleenbarila 24 posts, Newbee @ 10:37 am

    I can relate. FI has a job that requires him to do a lot of extended travel. Every time he gets put on a new project he needs to travel to that location during the week, flying out early Monday morning and coming home late Thursday or Friday night. We spent most of our engagement in this situation, with us in two totally different locations most of the time. It was really tough, especially at the beginning, because I was so used to waking up next to him every morning. But we sent emails regularly and talked online when we could, and we had long phone calls every night. Ultimately I agree with the other posters that this does strengthen your relationship and it makes you more aware of things you would normally take for granted.

    It’s going to be tough, but you’ll both come out stronger from the experience. Hang in there!

  16. Member
    This Time Round 10219 posts, Sugar Beekeeper @ 10:40 am

    First off (( HUGS ))

    Because YES it sucks… no two ways about it. But you will survive.

    In my first marriage, my Ex and I had careers that often required travel… and sometimes long-time work in another city (we both had jobs in the computer industry)

    There were at least 2 occasions… one for him, and one for me… where were had a “Commuter Marriage” for about a year’s stretch (vs just a few weeks or months). Working Monday thru Friday in another city, and then seeing each other on the Weekends… either back home, or sometimes doing a Spouce Fly-in to the other city (those did feel like mini-holidays for the Spouce who flew in BTW)

    The being apart was especially hard when we had kids… so that is one bright point… you don’t have that added responsibility to deal with as the “left behind parent”

    You’ve had a lot of great feedback so far by other Bees… but I would like to add one of the best UP SIDES to all this travel… Airmiles & Loyalty Points.

    Make sure that your guy has signed up for the relative programs for the airline he’ll be flying with, and the hotel he’ll be staying at.

    Because although the time being apart definitely sucks… knowing that somewhere down the road you can cash in and take an awesome holiday together on points, is a fantastic bonus to the hassle that working and living in 2 different cities presents a couple.

  17. Member
    almostmrsj 3263 posts, Sugar bee @ 10:58 am

    Yes, be sure to get his frequent flier miles and rewards from the hotel so at least you guys can get some free vacations from it! (Upside)
    My dad has been working Sunday night-Thursday evening away from my mom for a while now, and it sucks. She’s fine, alone, but it’s lonely. Him too. He stayed at a hotel for a while and was besties with the night guy at the front desk. Now he has a condo since he’s there all the time. His company was paying for it and the condo is cheaper, actually. Mr. Sword might want to look into apartments/condos, etc after a little bit. If he presents it as a cost-savings option they might be open to it – and then you could travel that way for the weekend instead of him coming home. My parents do that now and it’s a little vacation for her and a chance for him to not have to drive the 3.5 hours home.
    You’ll get through it. I find when my husband is away that if I set myself a goal I keep busy and don’t just sit around and be lazy and lonely. Like – while he’s gone for 2 weeks I’m going to get the basement organized. Over a 4-day trip I’ll get the linen closet cleaned up and everything washed. And plan your visits to both make sure you get everything done you need to, but you don’t freak out and run around trying to do a million things that aren’t important and don’t spend some quality time together.
    *hugs* At least he’ll have a good chance to see what a great wife you’ll be, right? ;)

  18. Member
    mstoadstool 2485 posts, Buzzing bee @ 11:01 am

    We’re in that situation right now, semi-long distance, he only visits on weekends and practically lives like a college student (the guy doesn’t have a stove in his place), I’m waiting to move there and put some order in that home.

    Piece of advice: The phone is your friend, try to talk every day even if is just to ask how was his day. I know planning a wedding is stressful when you don’t have your groom beside you but try to make wedding-free calls, there are day when I struggle not to bring the wedding talk because I need some insights but I hate when our daily phone call focuses on wedding planning and I don’t get to hear how was his day.
    Big hug honey, it’s going to be ok, it’ll just be hard at first, but you get used to it.

  19. Member
    stephk527 987 posts, Busy bee @ 11:47 am

    I feel for you, Miss Sword. Sending you love and support. <3

  20. Member
    panda 1359 posts, Bumble bee @ 5:46 pm

    big hugs. It’s definitely a big unexpected adjustment. of course it’s going to take some time to get used to it. big hugs!

  21. Member
    sword 1029 posts, Bumble bee @ 9:32 pm

    Wow, I’m overwhelmed and thankful for all the great advice! Thanks for being so understanding!

  22. Member
    lisalew5472 736 posts, Busy bee @ 8:10 pm

    Yep, it appears you’ve heard it all…and I completely understand! New Husband and I live 250 miles apart (I’m in the military, he works for the FAA), and he travels Mon-Thurs every week. Even if we DID live together, I’d only see him three days a week, so the weekend thing is not so bad. Besides, it won’t be forever…you have a set timeline.

    Best advice I read and that I find works is “always have the next visit planned” so that there is not a question of when you’ll see one another again. It gives you both something to look forward to!

    I read a funny thing: “Chin up and boobs out!” — Hang in there!

  23. Member
    jacofblues 1468 posts, Bumble bee @ 10:48 pm

    Awww I feel so bad for you! Long distance is one of the biggest thorns in the side of any realtionship! I started my realtionship with my fiance that way and never want to go back so I know exactly how you feel! *sending lots of happy thoughts and warmth your way*

  24. Member
    wouldyoukindlyy 234 posts, Helper bee @ 11:51 am

    I swear that our men are long lost twins. He is also from Scotland, software engineer, only eats healthy when I make him and does all of the nice things for me. And is leaving for a job in the summer for 2 years :(

    At least you’ll get to see him on the weekends! It’ll make seeing him that much nicer.

  25. Member
    sword 1029 posts, Bumble bee @ 12:26 pm

    @wouldyoukindlyy: wow, that’s hilarious!! They are totally twins. so sorry to hear he’s leaving in the summer for a new job!

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