Not Losing, But Giving


This post is going to be about sex.

Phew, I said it. If I can say that so bluntly, then this next statement shouldn’t be too difficult, right?

I’m a virgin.

You know, for a few more hours, anyway.

Wow, okay, turns out that was difficult to write. Like, really difficult. Like, as I type these words, I’m considering dumping this post completely because who on earth would want to read this unless they plan to mock me mercilessly about it?

But no, I’m not going to delete this, I’m going to write it—not because I think you need to read it, but because I need to say it.

I could give you a really in-depth look at all off the reasons why I’ve decided to wait until marriage and all of the reasons why Mr. Potion has made the same decision, but there is literally no way to write such a post without it sounding preachy or judgmental, no matter how hard I try to avoid such overtones. (Trust me, I just wrote it three times.) I’ll share part of it, however, and try my best to avoid the preachy-ness:

When you love someone, you want to give him things—you want to cook his favorite dinner and surprise him with a copy of that video game he’s been looking forward to and take him to your favorite museum. You know that you really love someone when you want to give him everything, and you don’t expect anything in return.

Having sex with someone is giving him everything.

Sex is sometimes referred to as “the marriage act” not because it is an act which occurs within the context of a marriage, but because it is literally the act of marriage itself—the exchange of rings is just a symbol of giving yourselves to each other, but having sex is quite literally giving yourselves to each other. It is the purest, deepest way to express your love for someone—to surrender your body, your emotions, your fears, your needs, your desires to that person, and to receive those things from him in return. This would be an utterly terrifying and in no way pleasurable experience if you didn’t whole-heartedly trust this other person—if you didn’t love him with all that you are.

That kind of a gift—the gift of yourself, in every meaning of the word—is only truly meaningful if it’s only given to one person. If sex is the act of physically marrying someone, it’s not quite so special if it’s done with just anyone, or if it’s done with a ton of people—if I marry everyone I meet, and turn marriage into something that happens every day, then when I finally Get Married the word has lost its meaning. When I’ve finally met the person I love with all my being, if I’ve already given all my being to another, or many other people, what makes this guy any different? What makes my love for him better than my mere esteem for someone else?

Not gonna lie, it’s been tough holding this viewpoint. In high school, I was That Girl whose boyfriend dumped her because she wouldn’t “put out”; the day after the breakup, this was the reason our mutual friend gave for why he so abruptly let me go, and I had to ask what that phrase meant. Yeah. In college, I felt like I had to preface nearly every flirtatious encounter with, “I’m a virgin, so…” just to keep his expectations in check and give him an easy out so he wouldn’t have to waste his time on me if he wasn’t going to get what he wanted. On the plus side, this frankness helped to weed out the real jackasses before I wasted any time on them. On the minus side, one said jackass took this conversation as a challenge rather than a rule, and his persistence coupled with my naivete to put me in what turned out to be quite the terrifying situation one slightly-drunken night—I’m almost certain that if he’d had one more beer in him, he would’ve quite violently forced what he wanted; as it was, I had to result to crossing more boundaries than I was ready for as a sort of peace offering when my “no” wasn’t being accepted. And then I finally found Mr. Potion, and the difficulty comes from restraining myself!

As hard as it’s been at times for me, I know Mr. Potion has had it 10 times worse; whereas a woman may still be desirable nowadays if she is a virgin—as with the douchebag described above—a man is scorned as a failure by society, his peers, and his love interests if he’s chosen to wait until marriage.

For all the negativity we’ve had to put up with, there are certain negative side-effects we’ve never had to experience—unplanned pregnancies, STD’s, and awkward mornings filled with hungover regret. (I mean, sure, we’ve both been hungover and regretted events of the night before, but not that kind of regret.)

Anyway I think maybe I failed at being not-preachy, but what I wanted to say is that today, I’m not losing my virginity; today, I’m giving everything to the man I love more than anything—I’m marrying him in word, in symbol, and in action.


Mrs. Potion

Herndon, VA
Wedding Date:
November 2012
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  1. Member
    msgiraffe 4248 posts, Honey bee @ 9:03 pm

    Oy. . .I just realized that my comment may have been completely inappropriate.

    Telling someone that sex is awkward and then gets better via internet comments? Only on WeddingBee!

    But really, what was I thinking? I am sorry if I just made you feel incredibly uncomfortable.

    Anyway, I love you, Potion, and I hope your honeymoon is going amazing!

  2. Member
    thimble 857 posts, Busy bee @ 9:54 pm

    @village_skeptic: Thank you for calling me out- that’s fair. I wasn’t commenting on the thoughtful opposing comments like yours or the supportive ones, just the catty ones that had me seeing red. Adding more qualifiers wouldn’t have made those readers happy.

  3. Member
    thimble 857 posts, Busy bee @ 9:56 pm

    @Mrs. Giraffe: lol I basically told her the same thing.

  4. Guest Icon Guest
    rebecca, Guest @ 1:48 pm

    @village_skeptic: +1

  5. Member
    ashleighxcult 173 posts, Blushing bee @ 3:33 pm

    @Kyann: This 100%.

    I wasn’t “offended” by this post, but I can see how others were. I applaud Mrs. Potion for sticking to her convictions, but I did find the phrasing to be somewhat degrading to others who have have not waited until marriage, and the implication that sex can “only be truly meaningful” with your spouse is not correct. FI and I are sexually active and not each other’s firsts, but I don’t feel that I’m giving him any less of myself because of this.

  6. Guest Icon Guest
    Hannah, Guest @ 8:47 pm

    And one last piece of advice:

    I suggest you (and your new husband) pick up a few books for light reading.

    She Comes First by Ian Kerner
    He Comes Next also by Ian Kerner
    The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti

  7. Guest Icon Guest
    tessa, Guest @ 12:43 am

    I really do admire that you know what’s important to you and stick to it. That’s great, and I’m happy for you!

    However, you do come off as pretty preachy and judgmental. Just because someone has sex with more than one person before marriage does not mean that their bodies or the sex they have with their husbands is any less meaningful to them, and it sounds an awful lot like you’re putting yourself on a high horse. It’s a little offensive. Maybe there isn’t really a point in me saying this, since you clearly realize that you have probably offended people, but I think there is probably a much better way to convey your beliefs that is empathetic and understanding.

    Also, while I do understand that our culture is very sexual and that this is a difficult environment for those who wish to wait for sex until marriage (especially for guys), decent people really don’t care about your sex habits, and if anyone gives others a hard time for being a virgin, then they are idiots who shouldn’t be paid any attention. The only people I know who do this are immature young men who heckle people about sex regardless of sexual activity or lack thereof.

  8. Guest Icon Guest
    tessa, Guest @ 12:59 am

    Ugh the comments section makes me angry. No one who was offended by this post (with the exception of a very few rude posters) was offended because of her choice to wait. No one disapproved of her choice. What they were offended by was the sanctimonious tone.

    Another commenter said it best: “If I had come on here and said what I shared with my groom was far more special than those that waited because we know each other’s bodies and were able to have a truly sexually satisfying magical encounter would be deemed inappropriate.” THAT is why people are upset and offended.

  9. Member
    farawayviolet 1460 posts, Bumble bee @ 6:25 pm

    “had posted about deciding to become a homosexual instead”

    It’s not a decision.

  10. Member
    jacofblues 1468 posts, Bumble bee @ 4:02 am

    Good on you! My hubby and I have only had sex with each other, but we didn’t wait until marriage! It feels special knowing we only gave each other to each other! Some of my friends judge me when I talk about sex because they know who I am talking about, but just because I have only had sex with one person doesn’t make my opinions and thoughts any less valid! Hats off to you for sharing this with us, I think it took immense courage and its good to know that you have such strong morals! I don;t believe you were preachy, you were sharing with the hive as you have countless times before!

  11. Guest Icon Guest
    whitecat, Guest @ 10:02 pm

    My biggest question is: Who cares?

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