About two weeks ago, I realized I was in a state of Not Looking Forward to the Wedding.
I’m not saying that I was just not in a state of Looking Forward to the Wedding…rather, I was actively not looking forward to the wedding.
I won’t go so far as to use the word dread, but…
As much as I desperately want to be married to Mr. Potion, to be his wife, to have a life with him, I did NOT want this wedding anymore. Oddly enough, this feeling was not because I’d reached the “F*ck It” phase so many brides describe; I still desperately cared about every little detail. However, I cared about them in that if we had to have a wedding, things were going to look the way I wanted them to look, gosh darn it. I just didn’t want to have a wedding.
Mr. Potion and I had several discussions on the topic, each time re-assuring ourselves that this wedding is not so much for us, but for our parents, and therefore we need to go through with it. The most recent occurred Thursday night, on the phone, while he was at the hotel with his mom and I was in my parents’ living room.
I had spent all day being so stressed as to be unpleasant to…pretty much everybody. I was snapping at people, playing a game of snark with my dad—who is programmed just like me and was intent on teasing me even in my frantic state—and things—namely, computers—just were not cooperating. I snapped at Mr. Potion one too many times, and he was now pissed, too. So on the phone, we talked it out, and I had a good cry.
I realized that the initial reason for these feelings about the wedding stemmed from the fact that it was so much effing work and that work was getting to be really, really hard, even with Superstorm Sandy’s built-in two days off of work with no actual harsh weather near my apartment. But as I started to realize that I was having negative feelings towards the wedding, I started dreading these feelings. I did not want to be the bride I keep reading about who doesn’t fully enjoy her wedding day…the bride who cries that night because it went so wrong…the bride who is emotionally distant because she just doesn’t give a damn anymore about the events of the day…the bride who wakes up the next day So Over her wedding and never wants to write her re-cap posts. I’m not saying any of this to criticize any of the wonderful women here who write about their weddings and the feelings associated with them—those posts just always make me really sad, and I feared I was in a downward spiral towards that moment.
So really, I wasn’t dreading the wedding, I was dreading that I may be dreading the wedding.
I guess crying really does make everything better, because once I finally got that all out, the next day was much, much better. Things got done, the rehearsal went swimmingly, a few things went wrong but no biggie, and everyone generally enjoyed themselves. I even managed to get about three hours of sleep! Woohoo!
Would I rather have just snuck away from my parents’ house then, gone to get Mr. Potion, the priest, and a witness, and get married then, then run away to Disney World before anyone was the wiser? OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE. But you know what? Having a wedding didn’t feel like such a bad idea anymore.
Dare I say it? I think I was looking forward to this thing.
Hive, pending any major disasters, I think I’m going to be extra eager to write my recaps