On Just Knowing

When Mr. C and I first met in 2009, I was in a long-term, long-distance relationship with a Northern Irish guy I met while working in Japan. The relationship dragged on for years after leaving Japan, with me flying out to see him in Switzerland (where he was working) and him flying out to see me in the U.S. several times a year. It was complicated and I think neither of us were ever really happy. Being together was so incredibly hard. I know that sometimes it can be a challenge to make a relationship work, but this seemed like too much work—a constant uphill battle with too few good times in between. We were all wrong for each other, totally incompatible, but for the longest time neither of us had the courage to let go. Then I met my fiance and it was as if someone had lit a fire beneath me for the first time. I realized that I wasn’t happy in my relationship, that I hadn’t been happy in a long time. That realization gave me the courage to end the relationship. Even when you know you are doing the right thing, it can still be hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for four years.

OnKnowi01

After more than four years back in the U.S., I returned to Japan with Mr. C this past summer. (personal photo)

When I think back to this period in my life, I am often reminded of a scene from the movie 500 Days of Summer. Summer breaks up with Tom, the protagonist of the film, and a year or so after the breakup she meets another man who she falls in love with and marries. Tom later runs into Summer in a park and he receives some closure in a revealing conversation with her. He can’t seem to understand why the woman he loved, who at the time seemed unable to commit to him and label their relationship, was able to meet another man and marry him. She tells him that it happened unexpectedly; she woke up one day and she knew—she knew something she was never sure of when she was with Tom. It isn’t stated implicitly, but you know that Summer knew that she had met the man she was going to marry.

This is exactly how I felt in my previous relationship. You would think that after four years I would have known if I wanted to marry my long-distance boyfriend. But I wasn’t sure, and that uncertainty told me everything I needed to know.

With Mr. C I just knew, implicitly, that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. In my previous relationships there was always a pit of doubt, an uncertainty. In some cases I dated guys who literally gave me wedding nightmares. I was terrified of the idea of spending my life with them. Not because they were bad people, but because we just weren’t right together. But Mr. C was different. I had a calm, knowing certainty very early in our relationship. I remember calling my dad one night right after Mr. C and I started dating and saying, “Dad, this is it. He’s the one.” My dad was quiet for a few moments. Finally he said, “I had a feeling this was different. I could hear it in your voice.”

It was not love at first sight with my fiance. We were acquaintances at first, then coworkers, then friends and then lovers. But very soon after dating him and knowing that I loved him, I woke up one morning, just like Summer, and I knew.

I think it’s a beautiful scene and I’m sure anyone who has survived a failed relationship can identify with both characters. If you haven’t seen the movie before, I highly recommend it.

How did it feel when you knew your significant other was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Was it a sudden moment of certainty or did it take time to come to that realization?

BLOGGER

Mrs. Camel

Location:
Athens, GA
Wedding Date:
May 2013

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  1. Member
    mstreasure 1655 posts, Bumble bee @ 12:39 pm

    I love this post. I definitely had that feeling from a couple of months into my relationship with Mr. T. There was just this feeling of contentment and comfort. Thank you for writing this!

  2. Member
    mnp 1711 posts, Bumble bee @ 12:57 pm

    I was a perpetual long-term commitment-maker. Everyone I dated could have been “the one” so I tried hard to make every relationship work. (Much like Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother! <3 HIMYM.) So, when I dated the DH, I was slightly jaded and it never occur to me that I would someday be marrying him. DH makes my crazy worry-wart self actually feel zen-like.

  3. Guest Icon Guest
    J, Guest @ 1:03 pm

    Man, I never comment, but I had to because I identify so much with what you’re saying! When I met my boyfriend, I was with another guy. We’d been together for five years and things were okay, we loved each other enough, but it was a struggle. I thought we’d get married and I’d always feel less than bliss with him, but that that was how long-term relationships were supposed to be. He was my first serious boyfriend and I didn’t know better.

    Then, one night while on a trip, I met the guy who changed all that. We stayed up talking all night and by 9am I knew I wanted to be with him forever. It was crazy. I never believed in love at first sight, or that you could meet the love of your life at a bar, but there we were. It blew my mind. I broke up with my ex when I got home, just hoping to take things slow with the new guy, heal a little bit, and then see what happened. Four months later, we moved in together. Two years later, we are more sure than ever about our relationship. I am so happy I met him and trusted my gut.

    I guess I just want to say, it happens! It really does. I love hearing about when it happens to other people. Enjoy it and don’t let anyone question your judgement!

  4. Guest Icon Guest
    rebecca, Guest @ 1:10 pm

    This post gave me the chills!
    You are an excellent writer. It’s very difficult to convey these feelings through words.

  5. Member
    mousewife-in-training 113 posts, Blushing bee @ 1:17 pm

    Another first-time blog commenter here.. Wow- your post just blew me away! You’ve really summed up the feeling beautifully!
    In fact, your post doubly resonates with me because both myself and my SO have been in that same situation (but on opposite sides, if that makes any sense).
    First him, getting broken up with by the girl he dated before me because she met someone who was right for her. Then me, breaking up with my then-boyfriend because I met my SO and could not imagine a day longer without him in my life.
    It’s strange, I never thought of myself as that “type”, but when it actually happens to, you realize it’s not a “type” of person but a situation that can happen to anyone.. And given the outcome, whether it is meeting who’s right for you or breaking up with someone who wasn’t, it’s truly a positive, and even wonderful thing!
    I’m glad our relationship began, in a way, as a result of both sides of that same situation: it certainly helped us get rid of leftover guilt or hurt that we held on to from our past relationships.. It’s almost like, with us meeting, the balance is somehow restored. :)

  6. Member
    mslyre 512 posts, Busy bee @ 2:30 pm

    I can totally relate to this, Miss C! And I have had that 500 Days of Summer moment, too! It’s such an uncanny thing but it’s something you can’t describe until you have it with the right person!

  7. Member
    mspony 9265 posts, Buzzing Beekeeper @ 2:56 pm

    Such a true post! I love that movie, it’s so real, I think everyone can relate to it!

  8. Member
    doily 1720 posts, Bumble bee @ 4:10 pm

    Mr. D was totally that person for me. I just knew early in our relationship, which is why I was willing to wait seven years to get down the aisle ;). I’m so glad you found that person!

  9. Member
    camel 703 posts, Busy bee @ 4:55 pm

    @J: I’m glad my post resonated with you! I think in those failed relationships you just wait and hope things will get easier or you assume you’ve already grown and experienced so much together that moving on seems impossible. My relationship with Mr. C moved very quickly too. We moved in together about three months after dating. It’s been so easy and fun ever since!

    @rebecca: Thank you so much! It was a long day at work and your comment really brightened my day!

    @mousewife-in-training: I agree — it is a positive and wonderful thing, to move from doubt and uncertainty to a clear future path. I feel that way though I don’t know how my ex feels about it. Obviously we don’t speak anymore but I like to think that he knows it was all for the best.

  10. Member
    Miss Care Bear 193 posts, Blushing bee @ 5:19 pm

    That was a lovely post and I was able to connect with it even though my FI and I had a different path. We were 17 when we started dating, so I don’t think anyone expected him to be “the one”. We grew up together over the years and one day (I think I was 25), it was like a switch went off in my mind and I just knew I wanted to marry him.

    I think since we met so young, we needed to accomplish certain things in our lives (like finishing school and getting a carreer) before I could seriously think about mariage, but I still had that moment where I just knew, it just took a little longer ;).

  11. Member
    soontobemrsriley 86 posts, Worker bee @ 6:20 pm

    I moved in with my fiance after about a week. We’ve been dating for 5 1/2 months and just got engaged. I have never ever in my life been more sure of anything. This man is my other half, and I couldn’t be luckier…

    I can’t say there was a defining moment… Maybe the first kiss on the first date? haha I pretty much knew then…

  12. Member
    mstoadstool 2485 posts, Buzzing bee @ 10:31 pm

    I love that movie, and I know some people don’t understand that and call Summer a bitch, but I totally understand how she must be feeling. That being said I never went through that, I’ve only had one real relationship in my life and I’m marrying the guy.. oh well.

  13. Member
    stephk527 987 posts, Busy bee @ 11:19 am

    It’s so awesome that you shared this, Miss Camel. I think that you were able to describe yourself perfectly, despite the fact that ‘just knowing’ is an innate feeling/emotion. I’m so happy for you and Mr. C! :)

  14. Guest Icon Guest
    Jewel, Guest @ 4:39 pm

    When the RIGHT one hunts us down & finds us, we do not second GUESS love!! No matter where we met bar, store, movies, church, blind date, sports event…we just know!! That 5+hour conversation til the wee hours, and that look he gives you each time he sees you defines true love, true unquestionable LOVE!! Thank you for such a wonderful post. I will share this with Mr E and yes we can both relate!!

  15. Member
    sword 1029 posts, Bumble bee @ 8:50 am

    We didn’t have love at first sight either, but after a few weeks, I did just know. It’s a quiet feeling though, it sort of creeps up on you!

  16. Guest Icon Guest
    linda, Guest @ 2:16 pm

    Loved this. It’s true.

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