Getting Over Myself

With three weeks until the wedding, our numbers are in, we are working on all the fun logistics like seating charts and who will sit where, but there is a deep nagging feeling of disappointment when I look at our list.

Warning: slightly ranty pity party for one ahead.

Now, I knew ahead of time that you typically get 20% declines of all the invitations you send, and that is exactly what we got. We sent out 124 invitations, and we got 25 “declines with regret” or just plain old “no” from those who couldn’t be bothered to mail back the response card that has a self-addressed stamped envelope included, and we had to spend hours tracking them down—seriously rude. How hard is it to check a box and put it in the mail? Or even better the ones who respond yes, and then text that they can’t make it. GRRR. (/rant) Sorry. I really do get that life happens and unexpected things occur, and our wedding isn’t nearly as big a deal to anyone else as it is to us, but it just stings.

Some of them were definitely expected: Mr. Ly’s cousins who live in Arkansas and both just had babies; my parents’ friends who live all over the country and I haven’t seen since I was little (and have never met Mr. Ly). But I did hope, or expect, even, that more of our family would be there. Mostly, MY family. I hate to say this, and I do feel like a brat when I do…but my brother got married not three months before our wedding—and many of the guests that came to his are not coming to our wedding. And it hurts. I know there may be extenuating circumstances, and it’s not really them choosing his wedding over mine—but it doesn’t stop it from feeling that way.

I have classic middle child syndrome, and my family has always taunted me for that. I count and measure and compare everything against my sister and brother, because all I wanted when I was little (and still to this day) was for things to be fair. I didn’t need to have more than anyone, I just needed to know that I wasn’t getting the short end of the stick. My rational side kicks in, and I know for this wedding, I am not. I am very VERY lucky to be having the wedding that we are able to have. My brother may have had more of our family members attend, but he had to seriously limit the number of his friends he could include. We have a higher minimum, so less family for us means we can include people we weren’t able to include from the start (yes, the dreaded B-list!).

The conclusion I have come to is that I need to get over it. Get over the stupid hurt feelings I have that my cousins and family who attended his wedding won’t be at ours, stop taking it all so personally. I’m sure most of these people really do wish they could be at the wedding. I am trying my best to be understanding when people keep canceling (we had four people who were originally yeses text today to say they can’t make it—so maybe that’s why the feeling is so strong right now) and just get over myself.

Thanks for being a listening ear, bees. If anyone will get it, I know it’s the hive. Anyone else go through last-minute pity parties when you got some disappointing responses?

BLOGGER

Mrs. Lyre

Location:
Philadelphia
Wedding Date:
January 2013

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  1. Member
    hlayers 286 posts, Helper bee @ 3:23 pm

    Ugh this is what I am most nervous about for my wedding! We are mailing our invites the end of January and I am just dreading to see how many “no’s” we get. I do expect several since a lot of people invited live very far away but am still nervous. Fortunately I don’t have to compare my own wedding to a sibling or cousin’s since I am the oldest of both in my family. We told our venue we are expecting roughly 125 guests, I hope I don’t have to call and say it’s down to 60!

  2. Member
    Mrs. Dragon 814 posts, Busy bee @ 3:39 pm

    I’m sorry, Lyre. I dealt with my own guest list frustrations and it sucks when it’s so close to the wedding and you think it’s all been sorted out already. FWIW the hive told me I wouldn’t notice the missing people on my wedding day – and I didn’t, and I hope the same is true for you.

  3. Member
    futuremrsnee 196 posts, Blushing bee @ 3:48 pm

    I know exactly how you feel! Most of the people that we expected to say “no” did, and there were also a couple that I expected to say “yes” who didn’t. We also had people who didn’t send in the reply cards (1/3 of our bridal party didn’t even bother to send back response cards!!!! THAT pissed me off). Then two days after our final count was due to our venue (read: the week before our wedding) my mom’s 1/2 sister called to say she and her boyfriend couldn’t come because they had to finish getting their house ready for her boyfriend’s mom to move in with them before my aunt had knee surgery and they didn’t have enough time to finish since they could only work on the house during the weekends. I was a little annoyed by that, but it worked out because I was able to let a good friend of mine bring his boyfriend. And then, one of our friends who had said he’d come didn’t even show up and hasn’t said word one to either of us about it. That kind of pissed me off too. But, at the end of the night, I didn’t notice or miss the missing people. There was so much love and happiness and magic (yeah, it’s cliche, but it’s true) in the air that it didn’t matter. And I know your day is going to be just as wonderful. :) Have a glass of wine and a nice hot bubble bath. It helped me when I got stressed.

  4. Member
    madtowngirl 1787 posts, Buzzing bee @ 4:25 pm

    Miss Lyre, there are so many out there that were disappointed with their final list. You are definitely not alone.

    I’ll share a story (in a nutshell) that will hopefully make you feel better: Madtowngirl threw the biggest fit about inviting children to the wedding (I have no neices or nephews/DH has 9) due to space limitations and then where else to “cut”. DH’s family had a HUGE issue with it, resulted in huge fight, and then inviting those kids, my cousins, and EVERYONE else on the list. In the end, we still had room for 25 people before we hit capacity.

    I’m so glad you were able to find the positive; you get to invite more friends who you (most likely?) see more than some family, and you will still have the most amazing wedding!

  5. Member
    sword 1029 posts, Bumble bee @ 4:31 pm

    gurl, you can totally feel whatever you feel! That is so tough with two weddings in the same family so close, my sister and I are March and June- but our family is pretty small so it might not be as big of an issue. But seriously, watching the “no’s” come in- worst part of wedding planning!!

  6. Guest Icon Guest
    kaepo1, Guest @ 4:33 pm

    I know the no’s are tough to swallow but when we got married we had more than a few people who checked yes but then never showed up. Now I had a fairly large wedding so it wasnt as noticeable but when I really thought about it after the wedding I was slightly disappointed. Hopefully everything goes well and you wont even notice any detail like this!

  7. Member
    lealorali 4827 posts, Honey bee @ 4:35 pm

    Awwww, I am a middle child and I can totally understand your frustration! I bet guests feel like they put in their dues to the family maybe? Silly. Booooo!
    I, however, invited a few too many to my wedding (!!) so I am hoping from a few No’s (but not from people I really want to come!!)

  8. Member
    panda 1359 posts, Bumble bee @ 4:46 pm

    big hugs. weddings are just big stressful events. It’s always hard when people you think would come won’t. On your big day, you’ll feel so much love that you won’t notice those that weren’t there. You’re in the home stretch!

  9. Member
    Mrs.RDV 1551 posts, Bumble bee @ 5:21 pm

    It sucks getting no’s. I feel you on this. We had a couple people cancel the day before and then 6 not show up and never even heard from a couple of them. Really people, you could of known more than a day before. Paying for all these people sucked, but regardless our day was perfect.

  10. Member
    brooklyn55 743 posts, Busy bee @ 5:22 pm

    Don’t worry. I have been going through the same pity party and getting my feelings hurt. My FI and I are getting married in March and his brother and brother’s FI are getting married in September. His grandmother called my FI after we mailed our STD’s and informed us that she would not be able to fly out from Seattle because they had already booked a cruise over a year ago (before we set the date) and were flying out for his brothers graduation (Same on getting married graduates college in May) and couldn’t afford to fly out for the weddings on top of those. Now I understood that… She was going to EITHER wedding. And I understand her attending the graduation since she attended my FI but the other day at Christmas I was telling my FBIL and his fiance this and he was like “Oh grandma acted like she was coming out to our wedding” and I was like seriously hurt. She’s not even my grandma but I feel like all his family chooses his brother and brother’s FI over us so its been a tough issue for me to deal with. I am my dad’s only child and my half sister is so much older than me I grew up practically as an only child so i’m not used to sibling rivalry/competition.

  11. Member
    kbiceling 298 posts, Helper bee @ 5:38 pm

    Sorry you’re feeling this way! I definitely understand. I’m stressing a little bit because one of my fiancé’s cousins just got engaged and I’m worried that we might have timeframe/family attendance conflicts.

    I hope you feel better! At least 80% of your guests will be there!

  12. Member
    annarborette 27 posts, Newbee @ 5:39 pm

    I’m nervous about this, too, since my brother’s wedding is in October and mine is in April. My family is also a lot smaller than my fiance’s, and I’m worried that missing family members will stand out more to me. It’s good to see positive messages from brides who’ve already gone through this. Good luck to you! I hope you start feeling better soon, and I’m sure the people who are coming will bring the party. : )
    (Also, I feel like changing your RSVP via text is uncool – that deserves an actual phone call! But who knows, maybe I’m too old school.)

  13. Member
    shortbread 290 posts, Helper bee @ 6:35 pm

    I’m really sorry you’re having to deal witht his. We’re having a destination wedding and I have already started to prepare myself for quite a few no’s even from people I’m hoping will make it. We don’t have a B list so it’ll be interesting to see how the numbers work out. I am looking on the bright side of things as well. The less meals we have to pay for will leave us additional money for alcohol and decor.

  14. Member
    mswallaby 2067 posts, Buzzing bee @ 6:52 pm

    Girl, I totally feel you. The worst was Mr. W’s brother’s wife’s family. Her WHOLE family was invited – 3 sisters + spouses, and her parents. One of her sisters insisted on bringing her kids (even though we tried to suggest other guests find babysitters), and then her family of four didn’t show up at the wedding. The next evening, her Facebook status read, “Congrats to Liz and Dara! Sad I couldn’t make it, I was feeling under the weather. What a fun weekend with the girls!.” She didn’t even tag us in the status, we just noticed it when we were bored and Facebooking at the airport. I was really annoyed. Anyways, long story short, hang in there – and be excited about all of the people you love who ARE coming! You have so many people who will be there to support you and celebrate with you, and trust me, you will feel showered with love even if only Mr. Ly showed up. You’re almost there, hang in there!

  15. Guest Icon Guest
    Elizabeth, Guest @ 7:04 pm

    I had cousins that were unable to come to our wedding too (distance was an issue). Sorry you’re dealing with this! :(

  16. Member
    mstoadstool 2485 posts, Buzzing bee @ 10:26 pm

    Ohh sweetie this is though and I feel your pain.

    My husband’s aunt got married 2 weeks after us and got full attendance from their side of the family (well, duh she’s their sister). It stung a bit to see all those people I would have love seeing at our wedding, however they weren’t able to travel by the time of our nuptials and this aunt purposely proframmed her wedding close to the holidays so her siblings could make it.
    It stings, specialy when you have something to compare it to, but your wedding will be absolutely beautiful and nothing will be able ro overshadow the sheer joy of becoming MRS. LYRE (!!!).

  17. Member
    capergrrl 472 posts, Helper bee @ 1:12 am

    Don’t worry about it!! The people who truly want to be there will be, an that’s what counts! Ours was Saturday, we invited 150, 95 RSVPed yes, we had 85 at our reception. Bit of a piss-off considering we had a plated dinner that we already paid for, but what are you going to do, right??

  18. Member
    beanstalk 770 posts, Busy bee @ 4:55 am

    I was a little hurt when we received a response card from some of Mr. B’s family declining the wedding. What hurt was that we had just seen them a few months prior (at a cousin’s wedding, none the less) and they told us they would be at the wedding! For over a year we were led to believe that they would be in attendance and to find out via the mail that it wasn’t true, hurt a little. But I do understand that airfare is expensive and things come up. You’re going to have a beautiful wedding and you’ll be surrounded by so much love!

  19. Member
    Scc6a 961 posts, Busy bee @ 5:38 am

    I’m sorry! I think how you’re feeling is totally understandable. It’s hard to get those nos! We actually had my husband’s cousin let us know he and his wife wouldn’t be coming after all just two days before our wedding. It was frustrating that they waited so long to tell us and I felt bad because I could tell that even though he was trying to just brush it it off, my husband was really hurt by it. Especially since we had just been to their wedding the year before, and it didn’t really feel like they had legit excuse to cancel so close to the day. Weddings are tough, but try not to dwell on it too much!

  20. Member
    sunhat 1453 posts, Bumble bee @ 6:33 am

    There just isnt anyway not to feel the sting when this happens. We expected a slightly higher decline rate when having a holiday wedding, but not near as high as it ended up being. And the nasty remarks we got about the date we chose were just shocking! You’ll soon find yourself not thinking about it and you will have such an amazing day. It’s sort of cliche’ to say, but you so won’t miss or notice those missing guests. I’m getting so excited for you!

  21. Member
    msarmadillo 497 posts, Helper bee @ 7:56 am

    I am seriously concerned that many of Mr. A’s guests will decline and not come to the wedding, and that makes me feel really bad for him. Since we’re having the wedding in my hometown, most of the people on my half of the guest list are local…his people will have to commute from 2 or so hours away. I’m really hoping everyone comes to support him, though–fingers crossed!

  22. Member
    ChicagoDreamer 509 posts, Busy bee @ 11:13 am

    I’m sorry you aren’t having certain guests attend who you expected. I think I would feel hurt too. I’m the kind of person who always tries to see the positive side, so what I can say is that those who are with you on your big day truly want to be with you and they are ecstatic to see you wed the love of your life. That’s something special.

  23. Member
    mspony 9265 posts, Buzzing Beekeeper @ 11:57 am

    You are more than entitled to have a pity party. This is an important day, one you’ve invested a great deal of time and money into, so when people treat it (and by extension, you and Mr. Ly) in a negative way, it’s bound to hurt. Big hugs, I know you’re going to have a fantastic day when all is said and done, but it’s not always fun getting to it.

  24. Member
    nikstar 246 posts, Helper bee @ 1:40 pm

    my rsvp date is today and i have not had one from my partners side of the family and some of mine. all of my friends rsvp’d. i made it pretty easy email or phone. it gives you the shits!

  25. Member
    graywolf 725 posts, Busy bee @ 3:12 pm

    i too have been pretty annoyed with the text or “so and so told me theyre coming” emails. especially after spending so much time and money to send fancy, cool invitations. i totally sympathize, miss L!

  26. Member
    jacofblues 1468 posts, Bumble bee @ 11:02 pm

    Aww Miss Lyre what feelings you have are perfectly normal. At my hens night there were 4 girls who stayed… 4!! The rest went home before a show they had paid to see! So I know how it feels!

  27. Member
    coyote 1578 posts, Bumble bee @ 8:24 am

    I totally understand how you are feeling Lyre! We had a 40% decline rate and some of the “no’s” were really disappointing to us. That being said, we were so, so happy with a smaller wedding because it meant being able to spend more quality time with the guests who did make an effort to attend. ((hugs))

  28. Member
    stephk527 987 posts, Busy bee @ 11:16 am

    I don’t even think you need to get over yourself, Miss Lyre! This SUCKS – especially the rude people who can’t send in RSVP’s. I hate when people are inconsiderate and I’m sorry this is affecting you and Mr. Ly. Totally on your side here. There are tons of silver linings, as other commenters & bees have pointed out, but right now it’s just poopy and that’s okay. Tons of hugs and positivity your way! <3

  29. Member
    mariewest 304 posts, Helper bee @ 9:34 pm

    I originally wanted to invite only 100 and hope that maybe 85 people actually show up, but now the list has grown to 125, so i’m looking forward to some “no’s.” But I understand that it can be frustrating. I’ll be very upset if certain people can’t make it. But you know what, they are missing out. Enjoy the people who actually WANT to be there for your big day. Smile and have fun!

  30. Member
    painauchocolat 2298 posts, Buzzing bee @ 4:27 pm

    Even though it was closer to 2 years ago, I still remember how it felt to get those “no” responses returned to us. *hugs* Maybe there will be a silver lining.

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