I realize that I’m an oddball sometimes, so here’s another one of those times.
I hate, hate, hate the tradition of being walked down the aisle and being given away. Seriously, the idea of being walked down the aisle by someone freaks me out and makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
From the first time I imagined my own wedding (and let’s be honest, I was probably like four), I have always wanted to walk myself down the aisle. I’m not even completely sure why, but I’ve always have felt this way.
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| Image via Delightfully Engaged / Photo by Morgan Trinker |
She looks so radiant walking down the aisle by herself.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents and this really isn’t about them. And maybe that’s what so weird about this. Looking for information about this online brings up many people who want to walk themselves because they have non-existent relationships with their fathers or their father has passed on, and it seems perfectly okay in that case. But I don’t seem to find many stories about people who choose to walk down the aisle by themselves for other reasons.
I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, trying to pinpoint exactly what aspect makes me uncomfortable, and I think a big part of it is the symbolism bothers me. I am an adult who has been living on her own for a while now. I feel that be handed from one man to another almost implies that all of my individual achievements are insignificant, that what I bring to our marriage isn’t enough. Furthermore, the relationship I have with PBear is something that is very personal and something that is solely ours. Together, we have already been though so much. We’ve managed to survive college and much of grad school, we have built a wonderful life together, and PBear has been by my side through not one, but two surgeries. We have seen the good and the bad together and have come out stronger. I see very little of our lives actually changing after our vow exchange and I think that’s a good thing. Thus, for us, the giving part of the wedding equation seems out of place.
I have to admit, a big part of my reluctance is the seeming acceptance of walking down the aisle by yourself that occurs in many movies and TV shows.
For example, Sound of Music, my absolute favorite movie when I was little:
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| Source: Sound of Music |
Doesn’t she look regal walking down the aisle by herself?
or Charlotte in SATC:
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| Source: Sex and the City |
(Okay, so I’m totally cheating with this one shot of Charlotte. She manages to pick up a random guy’s arm when she finally makes it down the aisle, but the first three failed attempts, there doesn’t look like there’s anyone else at all in the shot. I maintain my case still stands.)
Lastly, I’m glad that main stream media are showing that there are different acceptable options. I love this shot of Tom and Violet in The Five-Year Engagement coming down the aisle together. To me, it feels very true to their relationship.
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| Source: The Five-Year Engagement |
A part of me loves the idea of coming down the aisle with PBear by my side, but I kind of love the idea of having PBear watch me come down the aisle towards him (I must admit, childhood dreams die hard). I really love Mrs. Doily’s solo walk to meet Mr. D halfway, which seem to be a great compromise. I love how you can just feel the emotions behind this gesture in their gorgeous pictures.
Walking down the aisle by myself is one of those decisions that I don’t even remember making, but rather it is something that has always felt so right to me. I would love for our parents to participate in other parts of the wedding/ceremony, but I’m just not sure that the walk is one place I’m willing to budge on.
Did you do an nontraditional walk? How did it work out? Does anyone else felt as strongly about walking in by yourself?
Thank you for so eloquently summarizing how I feel! I have been going back and forth on this issue as well. I think my biggest thing is that I’m 30, I’ve been living on my own for awhile… and the idea that I need my parents to walk me down the aisle just bugs me. I know it’s just symbolic, but the symbolism kind of drives me crazy too!
I want to walk myself down the aisle for many of the same reasons you stated, but I think my father would take it the wrong way and be very hurt. It would be very hard for me to understand that my feelings on the topic have nothing to do with him, so for me it’s just not worth the battle. I wish I could though!
I, too, was uncomfortable with the symbolism of being given away. What I originally wanted was to have both of Mr. T’s parents walk him down the aisle and then both of my parents walk me down the aisle. The way, it would be more of a symbol of our birth families passing us on to form our own family, but Mr. T didn’t want to walk down the aisle because he said it made him uncomfortable. I still walked with both of my parents, and in my mind, it was more of a transition from birth family to new family.
My father walked me down the aisle at my first wedding – age 21. Now, I’ll be 40 when I get married this time, so my 15 year old son will be walking me down the aisle. I don’t see it as him “giving me away” but more of an acknowledgement of his acceptance of my new union with my new husband.
Man, this is exactly me!! I love my parents soooo much, we’re very close, and at this point, they both plan on walking me down together. But I just really want to walk alone. And I have no idea if I can make this happen without offending them…
I never thought of it as being given away, my dad walked me, he was by my side as he has been my entire life. But I can totally understand your feeling and I love the look of brides walking by themselves (I LOOOVE Mrs. Wizard’s video with her walking by herself), but the groom meeting you halfway sounds like a perfect compromise, the symbolism of he reaching to you, etc….
I wondering what to do with this as well. I don’t mind my dad walking me down the aisle but I know my mom wants to walk me (and actually thinks she should walk me INSTEAD of my dad). I’m not sure if I’ll hold to tradition, cave and let both walk me, or just decide to walk by myself. Ahh, so many little decisions that have (probably unforeseen) emotional impacts!
I’ve been struggling with this also. I REALLY want to talk solo because I feel like that’s really “me,” you know? I’m pretty independent and never even thought I would get married. I automatically knew I wanted to do this on my own. My decision, my (our) wedding, yada yada. But when I talked to my dad about it, I could tell he was hurt. He even sent me articles about how even though the tradition started as a symbol of dependence and women as property, it’s evolved and now it’s a symbol that the father of the bride approves of union and is proud or something like that.
Now I’m so torn because I feel like I want to walk by myself but I want my dad to know that I appreciate him and it’s not really about him…you know? Ahh! I’m not helping at all!
@Mrs. Toadstool: “I never thought of it as being given away, my dad walked me, he was by my side as he has been my entire life.”
This. This is amazing.
This was so wonderfully well-written. I’m glad you shared it with us.
I understand the way you feel. I would feel the same if I didn’t have such a strong relationship with my dad. For me, it feels like something I WANT to do with my father because of our relationship.
I do like the idea of an independent woman walking herself though. Good for you!
I think it’s really great that we all see the walk a bit in a different way and that we all have different ways of going about it.
@Almost Mrs.P: Yes I agree it’s just symbolic, I mean heck much of the wedding is symbolic for old weird traditions, but for some reason, this is one that I’m having the hardest of time letting go of.
@Mrs. Toadstool: “I never thought of it as being given away, my dad walked me, he was by my side as he has been my entire life.”
That is a beautiful way of putting it. I agree that the walking by my side is another take on it, but I’m not completely sure I am 100% on board with it (at least yet, I really have to think about it some more). I guess, if I were to interpret it that way, I would really prefer us both walking in with our parents, because I would want to honor both sets of parents.
@kbiceling: exactly, this post was so difficult to write because I really don’t want it to seem like I’m rejecting my parents, I’m really not! I feel like so much emotional significance is linked into a one minute walk that it’s so hard to even talk about if you want to do something else.
I will be walking myself down the aisle. My dad was in my life growing up but I don’t feel a closeness to him, there’s no connection and the thought of it all makes me uncomfortable. I’m also not doing a father daughter dance.
My sister walked herself down the aisle at her small beach wedding. No one thought twice about it (and yes, our dad was there and they get along just fine!).
I’ve been thinking of having my dad walk me, mostly because it doesn’t feel weird to me (I can divorce it from it’s historical meaning in my head) and I know my dad would just get such a kick out of having that role to play.
I *really* love the idea of meeting your groom halfway. I may even consider that with a father walk for the first half. It seems so perfect in symbolism… part of the path alone (or with your parents), and the rest of your path with your love.
Do what is right for you, and what means the most to you. Those who know you (who are hopefully those who make up your guest list) won’t assume that it has any sinister connotation.
I want to walk alone too! Ugh thanks for the post now i know I’m not alone!
I might have a solution for everyone! I am going to walk with my parents halfway, where o will give them each a kiss and stop as they continue to their seats. I will walk myself the breast of the way. To me this shows their support of me, my coming into independence, and I can walk up to stand by my future husbands side. I think it is great, and no one will have hurt feelings!
Depending on aisle length maybe you could even cut it into thirds to have future husband meet you
@Miss Panda: That is exactly how I felt. I had issues with my father for sure, but I have a wonderful step-father, mother, and grandmother who could have done it. However, I have always stood on my own two feet. I thought the same thing you did, and walked alone. It was amazing and I got to focus on my hubby the whole walk.
BTW… your writting is amazing. You and @Miss Blue Whale: are my favorite Bees! I can’t wait to see everything come together for you both.
Clearly your parents have raised an independent and self-sufficient woman. Honor that by sticking with your instincts and walking yourself down the aisle.
I love this! I plan on walking by myself down the aisle. It’s just how I’ve always pictured doing in and until recently getting engaged and talking about it I didn’t realize that people felt so passionately about going against tradition.
Miss Panda, Boston, MA Age and Occupation: 26, Graduate Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 23, Graduate Student Engagement Date: June 27, 2011 Wedding Date: June 2013 About Me: I love window shopping, cute animals, crafting, baking, and most forms of procrastination. I tend to be overly meticulous with choices to a point of complete and total indecision. Mr. PBear and I met and live in the amazing city of Boston. We are big nerds who love trying new foods, playing video games, and cuddling with our adorable hamster. After 5 years together, we are planning an intimate, DIY-heavy, vintage garden themed, nonreligious wedding in the city where we fell in love.
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