I Miss My Self-Esteem Most of All

We tend to lose a few things during the wedding planning process, but of all the things I’ve lost (free time, spending money, quality sleep, eating whatever I want), I think I miss my self-esteem the most of all.

I’m sorry, but I’m going to talk about body image. I don’t want to, but I need to get this out somewhere and I figure this is the most ideal place.

Last week I picked up my dress for the rehearsal dinner and not only did it not fit, but the shotty zipper broke while they were trying to get me in and then out of it. Talk about depressing. I’ve now had TWO horrible first experiences with ordered dresses and I’m pretty frustrated/annoyed with my body.

This is a 200+ dollar bridesmaid dress from a shop* in downtown Chicago. I wouldn’t normally spend so much on a rehearsal dinner dress but it was a gift from Boss Lady. During the summer of 2012 Boss Lady bid on a gift card to this shop and won! We didn’t have time to go shopping until this past January and we brought Littlest C with us to try on their flower girl dresses as well. I had Littlest C take a few photos of some of the dresses we looked at that evening.

wedding-stuff-and-museum-jan-2013-007

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In the end we found this beautiful strapless color-blocked dress (ivory, silver, black) with a pencil skirt bottom, and we decided it would be perfect for not only the rehearsal dinner, but also to wear again to other semi-formal events! The problem was I was in between sizes, which is the STORY OF MY LIFE.

This is my ever-constant first world problem, everything on me is two different sizes, my shoes, my bust, my body. I always seem to need two different sizes which inevitably causes problems when it comes to purchasing clothing/shoes. Well, I decided to go with the smaller size in the case of the rehearsal dinner dress when I probably should have gone with the bigger size. Ugh.

In the end, it was a crappy zipper that did me in. Much like the bra fiasco from scenario one. The ladies at the salon were very nice to me and offered a credit for the broken zipper. But the irritating part was that they called the designer and she proceeded to blame me for the broken zipper based on the fact that I chose the smaller size, which could be partly true, but it could be partly true that her zipper was crap as well! Also, the dress has shearing over the mid-section which makes it difficult for zippers to get past seams, AND I remembered the sample I tried on previously had a broken zipper as well. And seriously, did she have to make me feel like a fat ass two weeks before my wedding? I think not.

To be honest, I’ve always had pretty awesome self-esteem. I was raised to feel confident about my self image regardless of “flaws,” and I like my body, if not love it most of the time. So it sucks that I’ve been picking apart at myself these last few months. My teeth aren’t white enough, my skin isn’t tan enough, my body isn’t thin enough.

The shocking part is that I’m the thinnest I’ve been in a while and I’m still feeling like crap. It’s all in my head. I get this. I’m smart. And the brain is a powerful thing. I know I look damn good, and I know I will be a beautiful bride. All that aside, can I please wear a paper sack for the next few weeks?

I can’t even blame the wedding industry or bridal magazines/blogs (well, I guess I could”¦)! It’s my fault for imagining myself a certain way on my wedding day and it’s my fault for putting unnecessary pressure on myself to be perfect. Don’t be like me. Don’t put pressure on yourself. It’s one day. And you’ll look beautiful too.

NOTE: I’m not searching for compliments, just some commiseration! And I literally CANNOT WAIT until after the wedding and I go back to being my normal, confidence exuding bad-ass sexy self (she says with a grin).

*I don’t want to make this a review of the shop but if you live in Chicago and want more information, just send me a private message.

(all photos personal)

Does anyone else feel like their self-esteem did a 180 during wedding planning? Anyone else have frustrating experiences with ordering dresses and them not fitting or zippers breaking? Tell me I’m not alone! :)

BLOGGER

Mrs. Sword

Location:
Chicago
Wedding Date:
March 2013

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comments

  1. Guest
    Danielle, Guest @ 6:49 pm

    Uhm, thank you for this!! I have totally experienced this weird change in how I suddenly have to criticize every little detail about my body all because of my wedding. I find it doubly hard because I work in an eating disorder treatment center and everyone is hyper focused on body image. Your article made me feel sane again :)

  2. Member
    Mrs. Toadstool 2485 posts, Buzzing bee @ 7:21 pm

    I totally understand what you are saying, it’s like: you know you are beautiful and you look great (which you certainly do sweetie), but your brain doesn’t register it!!

  3. Member
    gotsol 46 posts, Newbee @ 11:00 pm

    You are gorgeous and you are fabulous and on your wedding day, you will look gorgeous and fabulous times a million because you will be shining with LOVE, which is way more powerful than all of these poopy issues. Sending you hugs, lady. <3

  4. Guest
    Tanya, Guest @ 11:23 pm

    Your bod looks TDF in these pics, so the zipper must have been crappy.

  5. Guest
    timmy, Guest @ 11:40 pm

    Looking pretty. The wedding occasion is very precious for all bride.Your situation i can also understand. Just enjoy and rock with beautiful dresses and jewelry.

  6. Guest
    c l, Guest @ 4:26 am

    This is my first comment even though I’ve been following this blog for ~6 months now. I just have to say that you look BEAUTIFUL and don’t need to change a thing!!!

  7. Member
    pinkglittergirl 313 posts, Helper bee @ 5:02 pm

    thanks for your post! I’m glad to read that I’m not alone. Since I’m a technology spaz and couldn’t figure out how to send a PM, would you mind sending me one to let me know the name of the bridal shop in chicago? I also read that you’re a nail salon snob so I’d appreciate any recommendations for that as well. thank you!!

  8. Member
    Mrs. Sword 1019 posts, Bumble bee @ 10:48 am

    Thank you, thank you for all of these comments! I read each one of them thoughtfully. I’m glad I’m not the only person this has happened to. Thanks for the body image support everyone!!

  9. Guest
    BML, Guest @ 12:39 pm

    Oh, I am sending you so much virtual compassion and love!

    I have totally felt the same way. In fact, I got to a point where thinking about dress shopping made me cry!

    I knew I had found THE dress when I felt like I could walk down the aisle in it that day (without losing a single pound) and feel gorgeous! Every other dress I had tried on made me feel like I needed to lose at least 50 lbs in order to feel just okay…which felt so excessive and flat out ridiculous.

    The small sample sizes at boutiques don’t really help this issue. ;)

    I think it’s so great to want to feel and look our best on our wedding day and I’ve definitely made a commitment to a workout routine and eating better. But the enormous amounts of pressure many of us feel under is not exactly productive.

    PS–I’m from Chicago so would love to know which shop you had the issue with.

  10. Member
    bridalbridle 6 posts, Newbee @ 1:12 pm

    I can totally relate to this, although you really do look stunning! I’ve always struggled with my size and self-esteem but, like a lot of brides, I somehow thought I’d be able to lose loads and look fabulous on my wedding day. Instead, I think I’ve actually put on weight due to dealing with bouts of depression which made it increasingly difficult to leave the house, let alone exercise. I have now decided I need to work more on feeling happy and confident with the me I have now, rather than trying so hard to create a new me for the big day. Hope it works!

  11. Member
    jlrhine5240 21 posts, Newbee @ 2:32 pm

    I can totally relate in many ways! It’s three months until my big day and I’m always thinking about am I getting fat, are my teeth white enough, is my face is too oily, and so on. It’s very frustrating because I’m not usually like this and I don’t want to be like this. And I do blame the bridal magazines and all the perfect weddings I see. In the end I just try and think to myself “my fiancé loves me for me, inside and out and I know he’ll think I’m beautiful on our wedding day so who cares what everybody else thinks” But you are very beautiful and your body is rocking! Don’t let anyone tell you different!

  12. Member
    Mrs. Sword 1019 posts, Bumble bee @ 9:20 am

    @BML: Thanks girl! :) And I didn’t have an issue with the salon, they were very nice, I just didn’t want to include the information publicly.

    @bridalbridle: Yes, working on being confident and happy is so much more important than working out, I’m sorry but I do understand!

    @jlrhine5240: It’s so true, as long as our partners love us for who we are, what else matters? ugh, if only it were that easy all the time! Thank you, I’m feeling really good today! :)

  13. Member
    jordyanna 476 posts, Helper bee @ 11:21 pm

    Like everyone else, I can totally relate!

    On my first foray into dress shopping, I was called a “bigger girl” twice by my consultant. TWICE. Because I have big boobs! I’m sorry I have curves, but that does not make me plus sized, nor does that make someone have the right to say crap like that!

    Two things to remember: people suck sometimes and you’re beautiful!

  14. Member
    futuremcguffee 293 posts, Helper bee @ 8:28 pm

    Worse.
    I have GAINED weight as I’m trying to lose it. Which made my already fat booty look even fatter. I’m in 2 weddings this year, mine and my best friend’s, and I’ve been dieting and exercising and blah blah blah…I’ve gained about 15 pounds. My thyroid is off and my metabolism is down…

    And, I’ll admit, I have broken my diet a few times because of so darn much stress!

    I’m not saying this to “1-up” but to say that my willpower is gone where I once had a ton, and my self esteem is GONE where I used to feel great all the time, even though I am a plus sized girl.

    Weddings are frustrating! Lol

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