I have always been an advocate of your significant other being your best friend, your one person that you can be 110% yourself with no matter what. I recently learned that I need to be stop being so WTF-y about the differences among couples and their interactions. I’ve also realized that I need to stop feeling bad when I do have these WTF thoughts; because I’m not judgmental or holding it against anyone—you do what you have to do, whatever makes you happy—but I do have opinions. And if they’re negative, then that’s all right, I’m entitled to them—so long as they don’t make me mean or rude.
All of that having been said, I am so frustrated with all of these articles suggesting that you can’t be yourself in front of your significant other. Articles like this one in Cosmo absolutely infuriate me. I went on a for real Facebook rant about it.
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Personal photo / Forgive me for my MS Paint editing skills.
I feel like I need to add in a lot of disclaimers here to avoid confusions or misconceptions: I realize that not everybody is as open as Mr. Palm Tree and I are. Our other roomie/my MOH Mem frequently cracks up to the point of tears over simple discussions we have (and also, the altercations we get into that involve me spraying him with air freshener, but that’s beside the point). We are just open, no-holds-barred people. And, for the record, MOH is like that, too. I cannot tell you the last time any of us actively closed the bathroom door all the way—even back in our apartment, when it was literally off the hallway/right next to the kitchen and not removed. (I think this is a result of knowing each other for 13-plus years, though).
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Personal photo / Again with the MS Paint—sorry! The only two people you can see are MOH and me—circa summer 1998. For real.
I also want to state that I do not want everyone to be like us. But I am so, so sad for the couples who feel like abiding by Rule #7 according to Cosmo: “Maintaining your feminine mystique by never putting on deodorant, cleaning your ears, or clipping your toenails in front of him.” Really, inserting a Q-tip into your ear is going to ruin your relationship? Oh, Lord, they don’t even want to know about my legs during the winter (as evidenced in my intro post 
).
Or some of the couples who feel like they cannot engage in their “single” behaviors. Why can’t you stay in bed until noon? An excerpt from this New York Times article:
Instead, he observes what he calls “The Day of Chad,” something he eagerly anticipates whenever his girlfriend goes out of town. “It consists of me doing the dumbest things possible,” he said. “I would feel guilty if anyone else saw them.” What are some examples? “I’ve been known to drink Champagne in the shower at 8 a.m.,” Mr. Griffith said. “I’ll play Madden NFL Football for 10 hours straight, eat a French bread pizza for every meal of the day.”
Granted, I’ll give it to “Chad”—I get it. You let a little bit loose when there is literally no one around. Anyone remember the Friends episode where Rachel is naked and singing into a spoon, only to discover Ross can see her? When Mr. Palm Tree had his old job and would work the evening shift at the same time as MOH Mem, I would take advantage of having the TV to myself and not having to talk to anyone. But I sincerely despise being alone, and if these shenanigans lasted longer than the six to eight hours of their respective shifts, I’d lose my mind. This is a personal quirk, I know, but I would MUCH rather just have someone be around—even if we aren’t speaking or are in completely different rooms.
But I never engage in behavior that is “private” or belongs in a specific “only when alone” category. I have zero problem burning through a season of a favorite show in a day, or eating whatever the heck I want in front of either of them—especially Mr. PT. Just as he has absolutely zero problem about letting his…um, flatulence (which should really be bottled and used as a torturing mechanism—for real) go as he sees fit, or staying up all night to play a new video game (anyone else lose their significant others to Diablo III?). NOR SHOULD HE. And I have news: If he expected me to maintain the mystery by “pretending to be very busy and important” by telling him “Yeah, I’ll be home later, I just have this thing I have to stop by” when I’m “just going to get a mani” (#29 on Cosmo’s list, for the record), he’s been super duper disappointed for almost a decade. I don’t even get manicures.
In all seriousness, why in the hell would someone feel the need to make him/herself SEEM busy and important, or SEEM mysterious—especially at the engagement point in your relationship? Isn’t that dishonest and deceitful? Aren’t you hiding yourself from your significant other? Furthermore, think about your significant other doing whatever behavior to you. Wouldn’t you be hurt? It’s like the scene in Knocked Up where Leslie Mann finds Paul Rudd fantasy baseball’ing with his friends instead of working like he said: It’s not that he’s into fantasy baseball, it’s because he lied (…and a bunch of other reasons, obviously, but that’s the one that applies here).
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Image via YouTube / “I like Spiderman!”
Wouldn’t it be the same thing? How is this even remotely acceptable? How is this advice?
Again, friends, I get it: A lot of people do have a sense of mystery between them. Even my favorite and most related-to characters Lily and Marshall from HIMYM didn’t go to the bathroom in front of each other until a few seasons ago. (I don’t know why the bathroom is my go-to example…obsessed with bowel movements, I suppose.) But Mr. Palm Tree and I grew up together. We’ve known each other for almost as long as we can remember. Two days after we get married, we’ll be celebrating our nine-year anniversary. Mystery has long since given way to a sense of comfort and acceptance, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Where do you stand on this issue? If you also have “secret single behavior,” what are some of the behaviors you’ll be reserving for “alone” time?
Also: Mrs. Pin Cushion wrote a series of posts about relationships that were really interesting. She polled various readers on things like behaviors, arguments, what is shared, etc. If you’d like to check them out, you can start here.
I like your air freshner comment! I’ll chase my man around the house holding a can of air freshner – we end up giggling and screaming like little kids. I TOTALLY get you. Probably WAY TOO MUCH TMI, but sometimes Adam will even be talking to me with the bathroom door wide open and he’s sitting on the john. I’ll even go stand by the door and chat it up with him while his face turns red. 
I love when you get past the “mysterious” stage and can be yourself. I believe you can’t truly say you love someone if you can’t let them see you at your most personal moments
This is really interesting, and I’m glad you brought up this topic. They discussed this issue on Cosmo Radio on Sirius and I had mixed feelings. Mr. Plane and I have been together for so long, there is nothing to hide from him. The only thing I don’t like him to see me do is pop zits or “take care” of unsightly hairs on my face — mostly because I don’t want to bring attention to those issues, to ANYONE. But, as we get closer to the wedding, I wonder how much “mystique” is truly gone from our relationship — and can it ever be restored? Do I want it to be? I mostly think about this when we do gross things like fart in front of one another. Like, where’s the romance? So I definitely can see both sides, but I agree with you, Cosmo needs a reality check (it was so much better when I was 16!).
I so agree with you, I would never put on makeup to run to the grocery store!
Plus, all mystique went out the window when we’d been dating for just a few months. FI was staying with my family for Thanksgiving, and picked up a terrible stomach virus from my cousin. Which he gave to me. So yeah, all mystery went out the window that week!
The only “single” behaviors we have when the other is gone relate to food. FI loves to order in Chinese and Mexican, but I don’t love it as much, so when I’m gone, he takes advantage and gets them every single night.
But I would eat pizza every day if I could, but FI gets bored. So when he is gone, I get pizza every night!
But this is so not a secret 
I don’t close the bathroom door. Ever. DH closes it to go #2, but that’s probably because his smell worse than mine LOL. I will literally pick my nose in front of him, makeup-less, and have for 6 years, and yet he still married me, and still wants to have sex with me. Imagine that. I don’t believe in mystery, to me mystery feels like lies, let it all out, if they still want to be with your gross, makeup-less, peeing, pooping, farting self who texts them every ten minutes whether it looks desperate or not, then they’re worth it
Ps. As for when we have “single” time w/ the other gone, DH WILL get fast food that I can’t eat (weak stomach…again, he’s heard me talk about poop a LOT in our 6 years) when I’m spending the night at my mom’s or w/e and watch his boy karate movies or w/e, sure. But it’s definitely not secret!
I definitely am in between the two extremes… Groomsman Y and I will probably never leave the bathroom door open, but that’s more of a personal thing than something to be said for the comfort level of our relationship. Also, he thinks “girls don’t poop” so…
I also have been an avid Cosmo reader for probably the last 15 years, but I take all of their advice with a grain of salt, as I believe is the only way to take it. I do try to keep my personal grooming behind closed doors, but again, that is more of a personal choice (as in, I wouldn’ t want to do that stuff in front of anyone), rather than as a means to preserve the mystery! lolol
On the other hand, he is my absolute best friend and if I couldn’ t see any other humans for the rest of my life and it was just me and him, that would be okay.
I do think my husband should love me even if I’m unshaven, dirty and have no makeup on, but there are definitely some things I try not to do in front of him.
http://shorl.com/hypefryhyproga Taking some insight from this article, I have to agree that I place some importance on my appearance so that I look more attractive to my husband. Sure, I can pick my nose and fart in front of him, but that’s not going to make him more attracted to me by any means.
I am glad that he and I feel comfortable enough to do these things around each other, but I do thing it’s good for us when we try a bit harder to be clean, presentable and sexy for each other. I usually wear less makeup on the weekends, but I will still put it on before we go out to the store because I want to look a little glammed up when we are spending time with each other on the weekend.
I notice when he tries harder and he notices when I make special efforts… so for us it works, but it’s about finding a balance that works for you.
@krislynn_sd: LOL this is exactly what we do with the air freshener! Mr. Palm Tree haaaaaates it, so of course it’s my go-to. 
@Miss Airplane: Oddly enough, I get irritated when he stands near me while I’m picking my face or whatever. It’s not so much that I don’t want him to see it, it’s more like WHY DO YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS?! Lol. I get what you’re saying, about both ends of the spectrum, but we’re both big on No Mystique. It’s one thing if you *want* to keep things private (emphasis on the use of ‘private’ and not ‘secret’), but to feel like you HAVE to is a whole other ballgame, in my opinion. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
@new york bride 13: Haha, I’ll admit, in the first month or so of our relationship, I took extra care to hide my ‘attacks’ from Mr. Palm Tree. After so long, though (and after his PERSISTENCE – he didn’t want me to hide it!), it was like, why bother?
@BookishBelle: I LOVE YOUR LAST STATEMENT. Should be stitched on a canvas and hung in our living room, for real. Our bathroom is attached to our room so when we’re cuddled up watching X-Files on Netflix before bed and one of us has to go, we don’t even have to pause it anymore. Efficiency and comfort FTW!
@new york bride 13, @BookishBelle: I definitely think these aren’t ‘secret’ behaviors! Mr. Palm Tree is allergic to chicken (poor guy – like anaphylactic shock allergic) so I tend to cook it for MOH Mem and I when I know he’ll be out, more because I feel bad holding it in front of his face, not so much because he can’t know that I eat it, if that makes sense.
Thank you all so, so, SO much for sharing your personal stories and observations and for the overall support! This is one of my favorite posts that I’ve written and also a topic about which I am incredibly passionate. I’m so glad I was able to share it & converse about it with all of you!
@BM Y: I am so glad that I’ve made it my personal mission to change his “girls don’t poop” (or burp, or fart. . .) outlook in life. True schrend love.
@funnelcake: AH, I’m so glad you mentioned that article! I love it, a lot, and it’s definitely thought-provoking. I think you said this really well, Mrs. FC. Mr. Palm Tree and I also do little things for each other – I love when he wears cologne, for instance, and he loves when I get ‘dolled up’, so we definitely make an extra effort to do these things on date nights. I think the importance difference is that I/we *want* to do these things, for multiple reasons, but we don’t feel like we *have* to because the love, attraction, attention, etc. will be gone if we don’t. Our date nights are really special, so we kind of go all out of them. . .but at the end of the night, when we come home and change into sweats and the makeup is off and we’re cuddled up in bed, we’re still as ooey-gooey, mushy lovebirds as we were a few hours ago. Thank you so much for this insight!
Mr TTR and I are somewhere in the middle… we don’t have any secrets from each other, but we do keep some elements private (we are most certainly “shut the door” people).
But at the same time at 7+ years in, we are with each other almost 24/7 and are very relaxed around each other (f@rt away).
And if one of us is sick, then the Rule Book goes out the window… like new york bride 13 we weren’t together very long when we had a weekend of tummy troubles (be it flu or food poisoning) and it only made sense to take care of each other thru it. Lol, that was beyond an “Open Door” policy weekend !!
I think this being honest is the key factor in any relationship… and so not having secrets is fundamental.
He likes to see me comfortable (doesn’t get why women kill themselves in spike heels for the sake of fashion)… but at the same time, he appreciates it when I go the extra mile to dress up and go out with him on a date. And at the other end of the spectrum he likes to tease me when I’m in my winter hibernation mode and get too lazy to shave my pitts regularly like I do in the summertime when wearing sleeveless tops or a bathing suit (ya, tmi).
I do find that for the most part Cosmo is out of touch… can’t say I am a big fan any more. (Lol you think it was better when you all were 16, it was AWESOME back in the 70s & 80s with Ms. Helen Gurley Brown at the helm). In truth, thru the decades I actually find Glamour Magazine far more relative… has been my go-to Girlie Mag since I was a teenager.
As for female mystique… I do think there is some validity in this when a couple is first flirting & dating. Guys like the chase… and their brains are wired so they remember that stuff, and it stays with them (lol, maintains them for years). Precisely WHY men say they wish their wives would be like they were when they met them. Ughh!!
But IF a girl knows that about men going in to a new relationship she can certainly make that element work for her… leaving an “impression” upon him. Maybe being a tad more mysterious… less available, more self-sufficient etc… that he is intrigued as he sees her different from all the other women he’s encountered. In my 30+ years of being an adult woman, I’ve certainly see women “work this” to their advantage, and the men who are interested in pursuing them lick-it-up !!
At the same time… I agree that it can’t be a true cat & mouse game. It is something that really only works for a short period of time, and a woman has to know when she can be herself in the relationship. Otherwise the whole thing thing doesn’t work, as it comes off as being phoney.
I see it more as a case of a gal just keeping an interested suitor on his toes, while she evaluates whether he is “good enough” to make the grade (because lets face it… there are tons of men who are not worthy of us wonderful creatures). A girl using her brains & charm to figure out the playing field is all good in my book.
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As for our time apart… ya we have our routines. I will hold up in the house alone… sleep in, luxuriate in the tub, order in more “exotic” food that his “easy on the spice” palate can take (Szechuan Chinese – Thai – Greek etc) crack open a bottle of wine or bubbly… and watch girlie movies / shows till the wee hours.
Where he’ll have the guys over, do a Star Wars or James Bond Marathon… Grill Steaks on the Q, and drink too many beers.
We enjoy our “gender recharges”… but we also LOVE each other so much… that come the day the other is due home, you’ll find us so pysched that we’ll be up early and bouncing around the house in anticipation !!
My GFs think this is hysterical… how I am always the one who has the guy waiting at the airport / train station bubbling over to see me… aaah yes there are good points to being “not too familiar” with each other / taking the other person for granted (in that they’ve all been married for decades).
The trick is keeping the balance.
AMEN!
We met in the Peace Corps…I was plagued by parasites. I still have stomach issues as a result. He knows alllll about it.
Internet: I shit my pants. Literally. Did not make it to the bathroom. I was waiting for a bus. And because of my stomach issues and some tests my GI doc was running on me my sphincter just did not cooperate. Who was the first person I called? My then SO now FI. I was a crying, snotty, shitty mess. He gets on the phone and I just start blurbing “I shit my paaaaaaaaaaants and I don’t know what to do and I’m saaaaaaaaaaaad.” He didn’t once laugh, he just calmly said. “Babe I think you should clean yourself up and wash your jeans and go to bed you obviously don’t feel well.”
true love is being able to shit your pants and be there for one another.
Thank you for sharing that ridiculous Cosmo article. I don’t know which of those 50 points was most amusing, but I enjoyed these two a lot:
32. Giving his ego a good, firm stroking by occasionally telling him sweet little white lies like, “That girl just totally checked you out!” or “I’ve been thinking about you all day long”.
38. Looking your hottest when you’re hanging out with his friends. Your guy obviously knows you’re dead sexy, but it doesn’t hurt for him to hear some reinforcements or catch someone eyeballing you.
38 is just infuriating.
Anyway-thanks for sharing, that made my lunch break more interesting.
Haha loving this post! I don’t hold anything back in front of my FI, nor does he in front of me. We lived together a year before we got engaged and when he moved in, I made it clear that I wasn’t going to be closing the door to the bathroom. We still don’t (unless he’s particularly stinky…. then I turn on the fan and shut the door and tell him he smells terrible…all in good fun). My mom laughs sometimes, surprised to hear about my behavior (what does she expect? I have 4 older brothers!). I always mention that my FI has seen me at my absolute worst, knows exactly what he’s in for and he still loves me and wants to marry me. Definitely a keeper.
And about the makeup, I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup… too much like work. It’s only for those rare occasions when I decide to give a crap.
first off i have to say this post rocks! We are definitely the same way….we both participated in no shave November, obviously with my legs and not my face (lol) The biggest thing for me is that I am always spilling stuff. I spill food all the time when I eat…inevitably on “the girls” On our FIRST date we went to Buffalo Wild Wings….and guess who drops an entire wing on herself trying to take the first bite. All FH did was grab a wet nap and smile as he handed it to me!
Preach girl! I agree that the things on the Cosmo list are ridiculous and insane. However there is no way I’d ever #2 without the door closed (and Mr. M would rue the day if he ever tried that). But I hate all things poop so… LOL.
I’m wondering about your comment that you’re “not even remotely feminist.” Maybe it’s just because I’m older than some brides but I’ve seen this sentiment come up a few times and I truly don’t understand it. What is it about feminism that you don’t remotely relate to?
@This Time Round: Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this! I totally agree with you that honesty is the key. I think a lot of the time, the articles advocating “mystery” (Cosmo and NYT alike) come across as dishonest and encouraging lies and sneaky behavior. THAT is the no-no, that and feeling like you *have* to do things. In response to the ‘cat and mouse game’, I honestly just do not have time for it. I sometimes wonder where I’d be like, as a single lady, without Mr. Palm Tree because I am not a game playing type of girl. Our Best Man always jokes that you get all of me within ten minutes, good or bad, it’s all out there. As for ‘gender recharges’, I LOVE that term.
@notbridey: Girl I am WITH you, for real! I have also had accidents as a grown-up due to uncontrollable stomach issues and truthfully, it is what it is. For real – if you can’t tell your SO/FI/partner/husband, who can you tell? I’m loving these quotes that you girls keep offering, I’d for real hang them in our living room (or maybe yours in the bathroom? ).
@ginger8: Ditto! I’ll be like, “Mr. Palm Tree, can you PLEASE turn on the fan? Nobody wants to die.” Again, though, it’s all in good fun and I still climb into bed with him at the end of the day.
@faeriegirl05: I love that you both participate in No Shame November – that’s gold. I had braces for the first I think five years of our relationship, so there was a lot of “f-ck it, I’m going for it” in terms of food propriety (corn on the cob and sandwiches, honestly) and when it got stuck, he’d help. I’m so glad that there are more men out there like this, encouraging their women to be themselves!
@Miss Mongoose: Hahaha, no judgey! I totally get that our bathroom thing is on the extreme end of the spectrum – like I mentioned to a PP, I’m all for wanting and keeping things private, to each his & her own, for sure!
I was informed by the mother of our flower girls that there is a book called “Advice for Wives” published in 1913 and one of its first pieces of advice is, “Don’t put on airs with your husband. If you can’t be natural with him, you shouldn’t have married him.” If a book 100 years ago can get it right, why do people struggle today? Sad face – but baller for the early ladies of last century.
Miss Palm Tree, Pittsburgh, PA Age and Occupation: 23, Lease Analyst Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Associate Systems Analyst Engagement Date: December 22, 2011 Wedding Date: May 2013 Venue: The Fez in Aliquippa, PA About Me: I’m Miss Palm Tree - an opinionated, loyal and outgoing bride-to-be. I currently work as a Lease Analyst by day and a catering assistant by night. Mr. Palm Tree is a Computer Engineer with a love for all things cats. Mr. Palm Tree and I are absolute soul mates. Having grown up across the street from each other (I have the scars to prove it), we have been a part of each other’s lives for almost as long as we can remember. We are far from perfect: we fight, we get annoyed with each other and we certainly take advantage of knowing one another so well when pushed to the edge, but ultimately, what truly defines us as a couple is our love.
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