Pre Wedding Depression, Didn’t See This One Coming

Disclaimer: So yea, I’m going to talk about depression and I know that word can mean different things to different people and it can cause lots of very strong opinions, but I just want to recognize that everyone’s journey is unique to them and I only speak for myself. Cool.

Scotland April 2012

 

Throughout my year of wedding planning I was well aware of and well equipped to handle post wedding depression. I had read about it, heard first hand experiences about it, and had personally experienced the feeling of loss that can overtake one after something exciting ends (in my case, when I show I was performing in closed, it always left me a little sad). I was doing everything right to combat post wedding depression. I kept my friendships active, I planned for events post-wedding, and I reminded myself that there would be many exciting life events to look forward to with Mr. Sword.

Fortunately, I don’t feel any PWD (yay)! I loved our wedding day; I’m grateful it went so well and I’m happy to be married to the love of my life. But it turns out I was preparing for the wrong thing”¦

If you Google “Pre Wedding Depression” you can find articles that talk about it. They mostly go on about brides being so stressed out planning their wedding that they turn “blue.” This is not what I felt. I can handle stress. I can handle my anxiety (poorly, but I can), and I can handle being “blue.” What I felt in the last few months of planning was painful.

It probably wasn’t evident from my blogging and it didn’t affect my job as a nanny, but in my downtime I was apathetic, lonely, pessimistic, melancholy, and just plain sad. My Mom says when we have many changes in our lives our chemical balances can get off, and whether that’s true or not, that’s what I felt. Mr. Sword was traveling every week for work and I had way too much time to be alone, and to think. I was agonizing about all the upcoming changes in our careers, our location, and our relationship. I was feeling overwhelmed at the responsibilities of being someone’s wife, as I suddenly thought I wouldn’t be enough. And I was scared of failing, at well, everything.

So of course I picked fights with Mr. Sword. I had lots of emotional breakdowns on the phone to Mom, Sister, and Best Friends. I spent a few Saturdays in bed too depressed to move.

Sure, there were a few factors that helped contribute to my low mental state, the holidays were over, the winter dreariness was just beginning, and the thought of hosting the biggest event of our life seemed so overwhelming that everything else in life looked equally as daunting. Whatever the trigger, I knew I was not feeling like myself. I knew something was off.

At first it became apparent that I was a wreck every other weekend and so I began dreading every other weekend. I thought about seeing someone outside of my family to talk about things with, but eventually we decided to go the holistic route and stocked up on herbal pills and extracts to help aid me in positive thinking and lower my anxiety. These things worked”¦slightly? Or, perhaps they were a mental trick. Either way, I was working on feeling better and I was glad.

Soon enough, both January and February passed and by March I was starting to feel like myself again. I was still nervous for the big day (hello, control freak) and I was still prone to emotional breakdowns (but what bride isn’t?), but I was happy and positive. It was a relief to be excited for the future again instead of dreaming up worst case scenarios.

Looking back from the other side I feel blessed to have had so many amazing people in my life that listened to me when I needed that, or made me laugh when I needed that, or acted excited about the wedding when I needed that. Mostly I’m grateful for having a partner who will discuss anything with me no matter how crazy I sound, who I can trust with my worst and most personal fears, and who loves me even when I’m not feeling 100% like myself.

dc-trip-oct-2012-040

Muah! love you baby!

(all photos personal)

Treading carefully here, does anyone else want to share their pre or post wedding depression experiences? How did you get past the low moments?

BLOGGER

Mrs. Sword

Location:
Chicago
Wedding Date:
March 2013
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  1. Member
    ms_margarita 192 posts, Blushing bee @ 6:46 pm

    I’m so glad I found this. Getting married in July and I am depressed. I love my fiance, and we have been together for five years, engaged for one (will be 1 1/2 when we get married). Every time someone asks “how’s the wedding planning going?” I want to scream even though I know they are just trying to make conversation and be nice. I’m nervous about people staring at me the whole day and I don’t know why I ever thought being the center of attention was a good idea, I just want to elope now!!!

    I love my fiance but like a former poster said, everything’s just too much. Wedding planning on top of work, household tasks, trying to maintain a relationship. I just want to hide!!! I feel alone because this “should be the happiest time in my life.” Is it bad that I just want it to be over, even though I love my fiancee more than anything?

  2. Guest Icon Guest
    Miss Z, Guest @ 2:03 pm

    Thanks for sharing this.
    I searched for my future husband for so long. We have been together for three years, and we will be 33 when we marry this fall. I’ve waited for this moment my whole life, but I am not excited.
    Wedding plans are nailed down, and I’m not even worried about the event itself – but more scared to get married and be a wife. I have even been questioning if I actually love him, which was NEVER a question until recently. It’s a terrible feeling. If I don’t love him, I am not capable of loving anyone. And what if I am incapable? What if we are miserable together? And so on with the terrifying questions…
    I lie awake at night sometimes and just cry. Intellectually I know we should be together. But my heart is not in sync with my head lately.
    This blog post makes me feel a little bit normal, so thank you for sharing that.

  3. Guest Icon Guest
    Bree, Guest @ 11:31 am

    My wedding is eleven days away. I had some depression when we first got engaged, but that had to do with some post traumatic stress and I was able to bring myself out of it. I had felt like myself for the last few months, until only a couple of days ago. It seems to be revolved around the stress of planning the last bits with his mom, and noticing her excitement is greater than mine and his. I fear that he is having doubts and he’s only following through with the wedding for his mom. It’s a pretty crazy thought, I know, but this transition is hard for the both of us, so neither of us are feeling very romantic or intimate. I just can’t wait to be married and on our honeymoon together.

  4. Member
    brico16 1 posts, Wannabee @ 11:17 pm

    Ok, this post is coming from the other side. My fiance of two months has spent the last few weeks questioning everything from our engagement, to our relationship, to our chemistry. Right after we got engaged we jumped into looking at venues, making up guest lists and talking about wedding plans. She was the one initiating it all so I didn’t want to slow her down because I was so happy to see her excitement. Literally two days before her mood changed, she was talking about babies and moving in and even wanting to elope because she just wanted to get married and not have to deal with all the stresses of a wedding.

    Since then she has been distant, defensive and a little combative when I try to help. I make things worse because I want to talk things out and be there for her and she just wants her space. This wouldn’t be so hard if I wasn’t so scared of losing her. This girl is my best friend and not getting to talk to your fiancé is hard enough but not getting to talk to your best friend when you’re going through something like this is just hell.

    Reading these posts gives me some hope that she’s going to get through this and that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but that uncertainty is killing me. From those of you who have gone through this, please tell me how I should handle things and behave so she knows how much I still love her but also understands that I’m empathetic to what she’s going through as well.

  5. Member
    brico16 1 posts, Wannabee @ 8:47 am

    k, this post is coming from the other side. My fiance of two months has spent the last few weeks questioning everything from our engagement, to our relationship, to our chemistry. Right after we got engaged we jumped into looking at venues, making up guest lists and talking about wedding plans. She was the one initiating it all so I didn’t want to slow her down because I was so happy to see her excitement. Literally two days before her mood changed, she was talking about babies and moving in and even wanting to elope because she just wanted to get married and not have to deal with all the stresses of a wedding.

    Since then she has been distant, defensive and a little combative when I try to help. I make things worse because I want to talk things out and be there for her and she just wants her space. This wouldn’t be so hard if I wasn’t so scared of losing her. This girl is my best friend and not getting to talk to your fiancé is hard enough but not getting to talk to your best friend when you’re going through something like this is just hell.

    Reading these posts gives me some hope that she’s going to get through this and that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but that uncertainty is killing me. From those of you who have gone through this, please tell me how I should handle things and behave so she knows how much I still love her but also understands that I’m empathetic to what she’s going through as well.

  6. Member
    gemma0705 1 posts, Wannabee @ 6:33 am

    I’m glad I came across this post I’m getting married in July and for the past few months I’ve been having extreme anxiety and I just have no motivation for any of it. I wish I’d have known from the start that i would feel like this as I would have eloped or had something with just a few people there. I don’t want to disappoint my fiancé by cancelling because I truly want to marry him that’s all the matters to me. The whole day feels like so much pressure and makes me feel so anxious just thinking about it. Any advise brides to be with the same feeling?…

  7. Member
    gemma0705 1 posts, Wannabee @ 6:37 am

    I’m glad i found this post I’m getting married in July and for the past few months I’ve been suffering from extreme anxiety and I have no motivation for it all. I just want to hide away at home. I don’t want to disappoint my fiancé and cancel and I feel postponing wouldn’t help as the day would still be looming in the background. I truly want to marry him that’s all I want but this whole day seems like so much pressure and makes me so anxious. I wish I’d have knows this from the start I would have planned something completely different or just eloped and done it in secret without all the pressure. I have also lost all of my self esteem along the way and the thought of being the centre of attention is horrible. Any advise brides who have felt the same? ….

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