Disclaimer: So yea, I’m going to talk about depression and I know that word can mean different things to different people and it can cause lots of very strong opinions, but I just want to recognize that everyone’s journey is unique to them and I only speak for myself. Cool.
Scotland April 2012
Throughout my year of wedding planning I was well aware of and well equipped to handle post wedding depression. I had read about it, heard first hand experiences about it, and had personally experienced the feeling of loss that can overtake one after something exciting ends (in my case, when I show I was performing in closed, it always left me a little sad). I was doing everything right to combat post wedding depression. I kept my friendships active, I planned for events post-wedding, and I reminded myself that there would be many exciting life events to look forward to with Mr. Sword.
Fortunately, I don’t feel any PWD (yay)! I loved our wedding day; I’m grateful it went so well and I’m happy to be married to the love of my life. But it turns out I was preparing for the wrong thing…
If you Google “Pre Wedding Depression” you can find articles that talk about it. They mostly go on about brides being so stressed out planning their wedding that they turn “blue.” This is not what I felt. I can handle stress. I can handle my anxiety (poorly, but I can), and I can handle being “blue.” What I felt in the last few months of planning was painful.
It probably wasn’t evident from my blogging and it didn’t affect my job as a nanny, but in my downtime I was apathetic, lonely, pessimistic, melancholy, and just plain sad. My Mom says when we have many changes in our lives our chemical balances can get off, and whether that’s true or not, that’s what I felt. Mr. Sword was traveling every week for work and I had way too much time to be alone, and to think. I was agonizing about all the upcoming changes in our careers, our location, and our relationship. I was feeling overwhelmed at the responsibilities of being someone’s wife, as I suddenly thought I wouldn’t be enough. And I was scared of failing, at well, everything.
So of course I picked fights with Mr. Sword. I had lots of emotional breakdowns on the phone to Mom, Sister, and Best Friends. I spent a few Saturdays in bed too depressed to move.
Sure, there were a few factors that helped contribute to my low mental state, the holidays were over, the winter dreariness was just beginning, and the thought of hosting the biggest event of our life seemed so overwhelming that everything else in life looked equally as daunting. Whatever the trigger, I knew I was not feeling like myself. I knew something was off.
At first it became apparent that I was a wreck every other weekend and so I began dreading every other weekend. I thought about seeing someone outside of my family to talk about things with, but eventually we decided to go the holistic route and stocked up on herbal pills and extracts to help aid me in positive thinking and lower my anxiety. These things worked…slightly? Or, perhaps they were a mental trick. Either way, I was working on feeling better and I was glad.
Soon enough, both January and February passed and by March I was starting to feel like myself again. I was still nervous for the big day (hello, control freak) and I was still prone to emotional breakdowns (but what bride isn’t?), but I was happy and positive. It was a relief to be excited for the future again instead of dreaming up worst case scenarios.
Looking back from the other side I feel blessed to have had so many amazing people in my life that listened to me when I needed that, or made me laugh when I needed that, or acted excited about the wedding when I needed that. Mostly I’m grateful for having a partner who will discuss anything with me no matter how crazy I sound, who I can trust with my worst and most personal fears, and who loves me even when I’m not feeling 100% like myself.
Muah! love you baby!
(all photos personal)
Treading carefully here, does anyone else want to share their pre or post wedding depression experiences? How did you get past the low moments?
Wow, that really helps that you just published that. My wedding is in 6 weeks and I feel overwhelmed, not excited and mostly just really sad. It is tough for me to pinpoint the exact cause of my emotions right now (and honestly I think it has to do with me switching BC pills so I just switched back) but the tears are free flowing these days. I hope that when the weather warms up and the day gets closer I will go back to being excited for my wedding day but right now it just feels daunting. Thanks for your post and for making me feel like it isn’t just me who has the blues.
I’m so glad you wrote about this. I am 100% with you and I’m glad you got through it! I’ve been having a hard time lately.. so much pressure and drama from the wedding when normally I lead a drama free life.
My fiance has been great as my family has been really difficult to even be around. I mostly vent to him and stay busy and I feel better.
Thank you so much for posting about this topic! I get into what I call wedding slumps. I keep telling myself that, once school is over and the weather gets better, I’ll feel better, too. But yeah, I have my fair share of breakdowns. I really appreciate you sharing your experience.
Mrs. Sword. I am SO feeling this right now! I really appreciate this post. We’re a month & a half out and I’m feeling overwhelmed and really emotional. I rarely see Mr. Lemur and I think that’s part of it. Plus the stress of being two & a half weeks (!!!) away from finishing grad school. Thanks for telling us about your hard time 
You described exactly how I’ve felt so many times! And it is so frustrating to have everyone around you say, “what’s wrong with you? you should be enjoying this!” While I get it, it is immensely stressful and life changing and I think it’s normal to get out of whack as a result! Thanks for this post.
I’m sorry you went through this, and I hate to play armchair psychologist, but I think what you might have been dealing with is a bout of situational depression. It’s not always obvious what triggers these things, though obviously stress is huge! The important thing is recognizing that we’re prone to these things and recognizing when you START to feel this way in the future.
When I knew I was losing my job last year, I went through something similar — everything just seemed TOO HARD. I’m 7 weeks out from the wedding and possibly 5 months out from a huge life transition, and I can feel that self-doubt and overwhelmed feeling creeping back in.
I’m letting my partner know what’s going on (instead of shutting down, which I’m prone to doing under stress), keeping my mom in the loop more, and letting go of projects or decisions that I can’t quite face until I’m well-rested, well-fed, and able to focus on one small thing at a time. It is going so much better!
Thanks for writing! Lots of us need to remember we’re not alone in this.
I agree with a lot of what you’ve said. I feel like a big failure in a lot of ways that wedding planning has brought out. I didn’t lose the weight I wanted, I never had a “dress moment”, I’m out of money for things I think I need, like videographers and flower centerpieces. The whole thing feels too large and showy or at other times, blah and not enough.
To make things worse, this is my absolute worse time at work and probably the most stressed I’ve been in my career.
I’ve always been a bit independent and somewhat commitment-phobic and the whole marriage thing alone is overwhelming. (I totally love my FI, but it’s still scary)
I don’t know what to do, but build a bridge and get over it, so I trudge on!
I’m so glad you posted this! I just spent 3 solid days in bed telling my mom and my fiance that I wanted to cancel the wedding. I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed, having nightmares, chest pains to the point I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I’ve been doing so well over the past year and it seems like everything is falling apart during the last 2 months. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one that has had these doubts and there are ways to get past it!
Oh, Mrs. Sword, hugs! I think it’s awesome that you shared this. It’s also awesome that you recognized how you were feeling and that it wasn’t okay and that you took actions to make it better – I think that’s huge! I’m so glad you were able to come out relatively unscathed on the other side, so to speak. Thank you again for sharing!
Girl, I feel ya! Props to you for putting it out there. I am 2 1/2 weeks away from my big day, and I have had my fair share of what Miss Airplane calls the “wedding slumps”. Mine were mostly brought on by the fact that I am so far away from my best girlfriends and family- I moved to Florida from Texas 4 years ago for a job, and quickly met my hubby-to-be. Being engaged and not having friends and family in the same state made me depressed, even though I was really happy! I had to do a lot of wedding planning either by myself or by phone or e-mail with my friends and family, and that made me sad. Of course, the fiance was super supportive! But at times, I just wished I was closer to everyone else, geographically, for this special time in my life. At the end of the day, though, I don’t regret being where I am- I wouldn’t have met my fiance if I didn’t move! Anyway, glad to hear it got better for you!! Congrats to you & your Hubby!
omg thank you so very much! I have been feeling the same way and it has put quite the strain on my fiance and I. I’ve been freaking out about why I’ve been so down and depressed and overwhelmed, when everyone else was/is so excited and happy. I appreciate this post so very much.
Thank you for sharing this post! It’s very personal but I think that being brave and sharing your experiences with other brides will let other gals feeling the same way know that it’s okay to be blue about your wedding for a while.
Thank you for this post!
I feel the need to be perfect and am my own worst critic. I’m not where I want to be weight wise. I’m not where I want to be career wise. There is family drama. I want to throw a good party so that everyone has a good time and I’m worried that they won’t…most likely irrationally so. All of these things have made me feel so down in the dumps. I finally told my FI and after I poured everything out I felt lighter. I hit another stumbling block later but once I talked to him and aired my feelings I felt better.
There are some things I need to do in these last 10 weeks: take time for myself, go to the gym regularly to get my endorphin on, spend quality non wedding time with the FI, and try not to worry about what others think about my figure/the wedding/family drama.
I SO needed to read this today, so thank you for posting this! Our wedding is just 9 days away now and I have never felt so depressed. A lot of my friends think this is awful and that I should be beyond ecstatic but I am not.. I was SO excited in the early phases, eager to plan, eager for the big day and while I am still excited to marry my best friend, all these other emotions are making me miserable. I lay in bed hours at night thinking and crying and wake up and don’t even want to get up. Its pathetic.. I moved back in with my parents for the past year while in school and even though I’ve been saying for months how ready I am to move out and need space from them being back in my childhood room, its emotional thinking about leaving for good. I packed up my room last night and was crying my eyes out. I am sad about moving away from my parents (even though we will be like 40 minutes away), I am nervous about being a wife.. even though I have been with my FI for almost 6 years and he knows me inside and out, I feel like its going to be different taking on a new role. I am also sad that the wedding planning is coming to an end. I have thoroughly enjoyed the process and can’t help but feel a little sad that all the planning and DIY projects are done (all I have left to do is make place cards). Its further sad because we have another big family wedding in August and I get to hear all my FSIL’s exciting details knowing our big day is over.
Please tell me it gets better soon?? Because right now I am just sad!!
Oh, brave girl….thanks for the post. It makes perfect sense that you’d feel that way…even if it felt off and wrong at the time. I’m just glad you realize how lucky you are to have a partner who accepts you and helps you through those not-so-normal-feeling times! (Makes me think he’ll be awesome at coping while you’re pregnant later on down the life path, you know?) *HUGS*
@Jessa: Oh yea BC can totally contribute to feeling low, you’ll make it through, happy planning!
@lealorali: aww good luck dealing with the family drama, and yay for a great fiance to listen to you!
@Miss Airplane: Yea bridal breakdowns are pretty normal, it’ll get better, and spring weather (if it ever comes) will help!
@Miss Lemur: Seriously you are so strong. Planning a wedding without your partner around is the hardest thing EVER. And I’m lucky I get to see Mr. Sword most weekends. But you’re so close now, yay!
@Amanda: Absolutely, it’s not all fun and excitement, there’s a lot more to planning than that!
@jmarvellous: Yea, you’re probably right with the situational depression! And that’s great you are sharing how you feel! It always helps me.
@bluebelle23: Thanks for sharing! Yes, it’s so important to remember that it’s still scary to get married even if you love your fiance and you’re still a bride even if you don’t have the perfect dress moment. Everyone’s experience is different!
@GratefulHoops: Glad you didn’t cancel and you made it through to now!
@Miss Palm Tree: awww thanks girl!
@Jenny: Ugh, it’s so hard to plan without family and friends nearby, but good luck, I’m sure it’ll be amazing! It’s so close!
@katie1494: happy to help, glad you don’t feel alone now!
@StephanieHerbsty: awww thank you! I didn’t think of writing this as brave until now, but you’re right!
@notbridey: You sound like you know exactly how to combat the wedding stress/pressures, awesome!!
@Brooklyn55: aww packing up your room must have been so emotional! I understand! And yes, it will get SO much better. The after wedding glow is lovely.
@ladymegbeth: haha it’s funny you say that, I think Mr. Sword is slightly worried about how emotional I’ll be when pregnant, but I’m sure he’s up for the challenge!!
Seriously….Our wedding i s 2 weeks away and I couldn’t care less. We have been together for 11 years and you think that i would be ecstatic to marry the most wonderful man ever. which, he really is amazing. but….all of the BS that is happening with what seems to be like every person in my life i can’t wait for it all to be over!! I am sad, sick, sleepy, frustrated. i have so many things to do to prepare and am not doing any of them. will this get better?:(
Mrs. Sword, Chicago Age and Occupation: 28, Nanny/Actress Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Software Engineer Engagement Date: February 19, 2012 Wedding Date: March 2013 Venue: Embassy Suites Bloomington West in Bloomington, MN About Me: I am a true girly-girl originally from the great state of Minnesota and my fiancé hails from the beautiful country of Scotland. We met and fell in love in our favorite city, Chicago, and are having a blast blending our cultures for "A Highland Fairy Tale" wedding! We are truly a case of opposites attract in that he’s a world traveling introvert and I’m a social butterfly who is never too far from home. We both love hanging out with family and friends, fine dining, and laughing at ourselves. He drinks a lot of beer and I talk too much. We wouldn’t have it any other way!
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