Pre Wedding Depression, Didn’t See This One Coming

Disclaimer: So yea, I’m going to talk about depression and I know that word can mean different things to different people and it can cause lots of very strong opinions, but I just want to recognize that everyone’s journey is unique to them and I only speak for myself. Cool.

Scotland April 2012

 

Throughout my year of wedding planning I was well aware of and well equipped to handle post wedding depression. I had read about it, heard first hand experiences about it, and had personally experienced the feeling of loss that can overtake one after something exciting ends (in my case, when I show I was performing in closed, it always left me a little sad). I was doing everything right to combat post wedding depression. I kept my friendships active, I planned for events post-wedding, and I reminded myself that there would be many exciting life events to look forward to with Mr. Sword.

Fortunately, I don’t feel any PWD (yay)! I loved our wedding day; I’m grateful it went so well and I’m happy to be married to the love of my life. But it turns out I was preparing for the wrong thing”¦

If you Google “Pre Wedding Depression” you can find articles that talk about it. They mostly go on about brides being so stressed out planning their wedding that they turn “blue.” This is not what I felt. I can handle stress. I can handle my anxiety (poorly, but I can), and I can handle being “blue.” What I felt in the last few months of planning was painful.

It probably wasn’t evident from my blogging and it didn’t affect my job as a nanny, but in my downtime I was apathetic, lonely, pessimistic, melancholy, and just plain sad. My Mom says when we have many changes in our lives our chemical balances can get off, and whether that’s true or not, that’s what I felt. Mr. Sword was traveling every week for work and I had way too much time to be alone, and to think. I was agonizing about all the upcoming changes in our careers, our location, and our relationship. I was feeling overwhelmed at the responsibilities of being someone’s wife, as I suddenly thought I wouldn’t be enough. And I was scared of failing, at well, everything.

So of course I picked fights with Mr. Sword. I had lots of emotional breakdowns on the phone to Mom, Sister, and Best Friends. I spent a few Saturdays in bed too depressed to move.

Sure, there were a few factors that helped contribute to my low mental state, the holidays were over, the winter dreariness was just beginning, and the thought of hosting the biggest event of our life seemed so overwhelming that everything else in life looked equally as daunting. Whatever the trigger, I knew I was not feeling like myself. I knew something was off.

At first it became apparent that I was a wreck every other weekend and so I began dreading every other weekend. I thought about seeing someone outside of my family to talk about things with, but eventually we decided to go the holistic route and stocked up on herbal pills and extracts to help aid me in positive thinking and lower my anxiety. These things worked”¦slightly? Or, perhaps they were a mental trick. Either way, I was working on feeling better and I was glad.

Soon enough, both January and February passed and by March I was starting to feel like myself again. I was still nervous for the big day (hello, control freak) and I was still prone to emotional breakdowns (but what bride isn’t?), but I was happy and positive. It was a relief to be excited for the future again instead of dreaming up worst case scenarios.

Looking back from the other side I feel blessed to have had so many amazing people in my life that listened to me when I needed that, or made me laugh when I needed that, or acted excited about the wedding when I needed that. Mostly I’m grateful for having a partner who will discuss anything with me no matter how crazy I sound, who I can trust with my worst and most personal fears, and who loves me even when I’m not feeling 100% like myself.

dc-trip-oct-2012-040

Muah! love you baby!

(all photos personal)

Treading carefully here, does anyone else want to share their pre or post wedding depression experiences? How did you get past the low moments?

BLOGGER

Mrs. Sword

Location:
Chicago
Wedding Date:
March 2013
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comments

  1. Guest Icon Guest
    Jessa, Guest @ 6:44 am

    Wow, that really helps that you just published that. My wedding is in 6 weeks and I feel overwhelmed, not excited and mostly just really sad. It is tough for me to pinpoint the exact cause of my emotions right now (and honestly I think it has to do with me switching BC pills so I just switched back) but the tears are free flowing these days. I hope that when the weather warms up and the day gets closer I will go back to being excited for my wedding day but right now it just feels daunting. Thanks for your post and for making me feel like it isn’t just me who has the blues.

  2. Member
    lealorali 4827 posts, Honey bee @ 7:07 am

    I’m so glad you wrote about this. I am 100% with you and I’m glad you got through it! I’ve been having a hard time lately.. so much pressure and drama from the wedding when normally I lead a drama free life.
    My fiance has been great as my family has been really difficult to even be around. I mostly vent to him and stay busy and I feel better.

  3. Member
    airplane 395 posts, Helper bee @ 7:11 am

    Thank you so much for posting about this topic! I get into what I call wedding slumps. I keep telling myself that, once school is over and the weather gets better, I’ll feel better, too. But yeah, I have my fair share of breakdowns. I really appreciate you sharing your experience.

  4. Member
    mslemur 616 posts, Busy bee @ 7:37 am

    Mrs. Sword. I am SO feeling this right now! I really appreciate this post. We’re a month & a half out and I’m feeling overwhelmed and really emotional. I rarely see Mr. Lemur and I think that’s part of it. Plus the stress of being two & a half weeks (!!!) away from finishing grad school. Thanks for telling us about your hard time :)

  5. Guest Icon Guest
    Amanda, Guest @ 7:57 am

    You described exactly how I’ve felt so many times! And it is so frustrating to have everyone around you say, “what’s wrong with you? you should be enjoying this!” While I get it, it is immensely stressful and life changing and I think it’s normal to get out of whack as a result! Thanks for this post.

  6. Member
    jmarvellous 550 posts, Busy bee @ 8:12 am

    I’m sorry you went through this, and I hate to play armchair psychologist, but I think what you might have been dealing with is a bout of situational depression. It’s not always obvious what triggers these things, though obviously stress is huge! The important thing is recognizing that we’re prone to these things and recognizing when you START to feel this way in the future.

    When I knew I was losing my job last year, I went through something similar — everything just seemed TOO HARD. I’m 7 weeks out from the wedding and possibly 5 months out from a huge life transition, and I can feel that self-doubt and overwhelmed feeling creeping back in.

    I’m letting my partner know what’s going on (instead of shutting down, which I’m prone to doing under stress), keeping my mom in the loop more, and letting go of projects or decisions that I can’t quite face until I’m well-rested, well-fed, and able to focus on one small thing at a time. It is going so much better!

    Thanks for writing! Lots of us need to remember we’re not alone in this.

  7. Member
    bluebelle23 854 posts, Busy bee @ 8:16 am

    I agree with a lot of what you’ve said. I feel like a big failure in a lot of ways that wedding planning has brought out. I didn’t lose the weight I wanted, I never had a “dress moment”, I’m out of money for things I think I need, like videographers and flower centerpieces. The whole thing feels too large and showy or at other times, blah and not enough.
    To make things worse, this is my absolute worse time at work and probably the most stressed I’ve been in my career.
    I’ve always been a bit independent and somewhat commitment-phobic and the whole marriage thing alone is overwhelming. (I totally love my FI, but it’s still scary)
    I don’t know what to do, but build a bridge and get over it, so I trudge on!

  8. Member
    GratefulHoops 273 posts, Helper bee @ 11:06 am

    I’m so glad you posted this! I just spent 3 solid days in bed telling my mom and my fiance that I wanted to cancel the wedding. I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed, having nightmares, chest pains to the point I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I’ve been doing so well over the past year and it seems like everything is falling apart during the last 2 months. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one that has had these doubts and there are ways to get past it!

  9. Member
    mspalmtree 1122 posts, Bumble bee @ 11:17 am

    Oh, Mrs. Sword, hugs! I think it’s awesome that you shared this. It’s also awesome that you recognized how you were feeling and that it wasn’t okay and that you took actions to make it better – I think that’s huge! I’m so glad you were able to come out relatively unscathed on the other side, so to speak. Thank you again for sharing!

  10. Guest Icon Guest
    Jenny, Guest @ 11:35 am

    Girl, I feel ya! Props to you for putting it out there. I am 2 1/2 weeks away from my big day, and I have had my fair share of what Miss Airplane calls the “wedding slumps”. Mine were mostly brought on by the fact that I am so far away from my best girlfriends and family- I moved to Florida from Texas 4 years ago for a job, and quickly met my hubby-to-be. Being engaged and not having friends and family in the same state made me depressed, even though I was really happy! I had to do a lot of wedding planning either by myself or by phone or e-mail with my friends and family, and that made me sad. Of course, the fiance was super supportive! But at times, I just wished I was closer to everyone else, geographically, for this special time in my life. At the end of the day, though, I don’t regret being where I am- I wouldn’t have met my fiance if I didn’t move! Anyway, glad to hear it got better for you!! Congrats to you & your Hubby! :)

  11. Member
    katie1494 156 posts, Blushing bee @ 12:26 pm

    omg thank you so very much! I have been feeling the same way and it has put quite the strain on my fiance and I. I’ve been freaking out about why I’ve been so down and depressed and overwhelmed, when everyone else was/is so excited and happy. I appreciate this post so very much. :)

  12. Member
    StephanieHerbsty 25 posts, Newbee @ 1:49 pm

    Thank you for sharing this post! It’s very personal but I think that being brave and sharing your experiences with other brides will let other gals feeling the same way know that it’s okay to be blue about your wedding for a while.

  13. Member
    notbridey 721 posts, Busy bee @ 8:41 pm

    Thank you for this post!

    I feel the need to be perfect and am my own worst critic. I’m not where I want to be weight wise. I’m not where I want to be career wise. There is family drama. I want to throw a good party so that everyone has a good time and I’m worried that they won’t…most likely irrationally so. All of these things have made me feel so down in the dumps. I finally told my FI and after I poured everything out I felt lighter. I hit another stumbling block later but once I talked to him and aired my feelings I felt better.

    There are some things I need to do in these last 10 weeks: take time for myself, go to the gym regularly to get my endorphin on, spend quality non wedding time with the FI, and try not to worry about what others think about my figure/the wedding/family drama.

  14. Member
    brooklyn55 743 posts, Busy bee @ 9:05 pm

    I SO needed to read this today, so thank you for posting this! Our wedding is just 9 days away now and I have never felt so depressed. A lot of my friends think this is awful and that I should be beyond ecstatic but I am not.. I was SO excited in the early phases, eager to plan, eager for the big day and while I am still excited to marry my best friend, all these other emotions are making me miserable. I lay in bed hours at night thinking and crying and wake up and don’t even want to get up. Its pathetic.. I moved back in with my parents for the past year while in school and even though I’ve been saying for months how ready I am to move out and need space from them being back in my childhood room, its emotional thinking about leaving for good. I packed up my room last night and was crying my eyes out. I am sad about moving away from my parents (even though we will be like 40 minutes away), I am nervous about being a wife.. even though I have been with my FI for almost 6 years and he knows me inside and out, I feel like its going to be different taking on a new role. I am also sad that the wedding planning is coming to an end. I have thoroughly enjoyed the process and can’t help but feel a little sad that all the planning and DIY projects are done (all I have left to do is make place cards). Its further sad because we have another big family wedding in August and I get to hear all my FSIL’s exciting details knowing our big day is over.

    Please tell me it gets better soon?? Because right now I am just sad!!

  15. Member
    ladymegbeth 227 posts, Helper bee @ 12:39 pm

    Oh, brave girl….thanks for the post. It makes perfect sense that you’d feel that way…even if it felt off and wrong at the time. I’m just glad you realize how lucky you are to have a partner who accepts you and helps you through those not-so-normal-feeling times! (Makes me think he’ll be awesome at coping while you’re pregnant later on down the life path, you know?) *HUGS*

  16. Member
    sword 1029 posts, Bumble bee @ 8:00 am

    @Jessa: Oh yea BC can totally contribute to feeling low, you’ll make it through, happy planning!

    @lealorali: aww good luck dealing with the family drama, and yay for a great fiance to listen to you!

    @Miss Airplane: Yea bridal breakdowns are pretty normal, it’ll get better, and spring weather (if it ever comes) will help!

    @Miss Lemur: Seriously you are so strong. Planning a wedding without your partner around is the hardest thing EVER. And I’m lucky I get to see Mr. Sword most weekends. But you’re so close now, yay!

    @Amanda: Absolutely, it’s not all fun and excitement, there’s a lot more to planning than that!

    @jmarvellous: Yea, you’re probably right with the situational depression! And that’s great you are sharing how you feel! It always helps me.

    @bluebelle23: Thanks for sharing! Yes, it’s so important to remember that it’s still scary to get married even if you love your fiance and you’re still a bride even if you don’t have the perfect dress moment. Everyone’s experience is different!

    @GratefulHoops: Glad you didn’t cancel and you made it through to now! :)

  17. Member
    sword 1029 posts, Bumble bee @ 8:04 am

    @Miss Palm Tree: awww thanks girl!

    @Jenny: Ugh, it’s so hard to plan without family and friends nearby, but good luck, I’m sure it’ll be amazing! It’s so close! :)

    @katie1494: happy to help, glad you don’t feel alone now!

    @StephanieHerbsty: awww thank you! I didn’t think of writing this as brave until now, but you’re right!

    @notbridey: You sound like you know exactly how to combat the wedding stress/pressures, awesome!!

    @Brooklyn55: aww packing up your room must have been so emotional! I understand! And yes, it will get SO much better. The after wedding glow is lovely. :)

    @ladymegbeth: haha it’s funny you say that, I think Mr. Sword is slightly worried about how emotional I’ll be when pregnant, but I’m sure he’s up for the challenge!! :)

  18. Member
    amandaharmonroe 1 posts, Wannabee @ 2:51 pm

    Seriously….Our wedding i s 2 weeks away and I couldn’t care less. We have been together for 11 years and you think that i would be ecstatic to marry the most wonderful man ever. which, he really is amazing. but….all of the BS that is happening with what seems to be like every person in my life i can’t wait for it all to be over!! I am sad, sick, sleepy, frustrated. i have so many things to do to prepare and am not doing any of them. will this get better?:(

  19. Guest Icon Guest
    candace, Guest @ 7:44 pm

    So glad I’m not the only one feeling like this. My wedding is a week away and I feel really down and I’m also having the nightmares. I just want it all to be over.

  20. Guest Icon Guest
    Caty, Guest @ 2:38 pm

    I’m really glad I am not the only one dealing with these kinds of feelings. My wedding is 16 days away, and I just feel like crawling into my bed and hiding there until the wedding. I have almost no interest in deciding all of the little details that still need to be figured out, and I have just felt so fed up with everything and everyone, and I just want to cry. I’m so excited to finally marry my fiance – I love him so so so very much; but I feel so scared and pressure for what lies ahead too – possibly in part because I am marrying fairly young. I think there are many things that are contributing to this depression, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could just fast forward to the wedding day. :/

    Can anyone who had similar feelings before getting married talk about their experience after the wedding? I just need some honest responses about how you felt after the wedding (whether 2 days later or 2 years later).

  21. Member
    sword 1029 posts, Bumble bee @ 9:55 am

    @Caty: Those last few weeks are the hardest! Try to focus on your partner and your love for each other and you’ll make it, and the wedding will be beautiful! It feels AMAZING once you’re married on the other side. :)

    however, if you have serious concerns, go speak to a therapist, nothing wrong in asking for help when navigating a new part of life!

  22. Guest Icon Guest
    Miss Green, Guest @ 10:41 am

    Wow, this sounds remarkably familiar. It makes me feel so much better knowing that I am not alone! I have a little less than a month to go and am truly marrying the man of my dreams, but I feel like I spend a lot of my time of late choking back tears. Mostly I think it has to do with my best friend; she and I have been very close for a long time, and now I think she feels that she needs to step back and push me away both for her own protection and for me to learn to go first to my husband. But it hurts so much to feel her put up a wall between us when for so long she’s held such a big part of my heart! Between that and all the silly petty drama and the ridiculous amounts of work and stress, I have become increasingly sad and depressed. I feel like I need to have a huge cry and just can’t get it out, and instead it wells up inside to the point of physical pain and nausea. Thank you for being brave enough to admit (and thereby making me feel brave enough to admit) that even though your dreams are coming true, it’s not inappropriate or wrong to still feel sad about some of the changes that come with this big event.

  23. Guest Icon Guest
    Pavs, Guest @ 9:12 am

    Thank you for posting this.. feels better after reading. My wedding is fixed and I am feeling as to when will i break this 5 yr relationship with my fiance. Then I just thought if this feeling was only with me or does it even happen to others. Though I am an Indian, this has not much to do with the nationality I feel. A Bride is a Bride and a Wedding also is the same anywhere. :)

  24. Guest Icon Guest
    Tilly, Guest @ 3:17 am

    I had a very similar experience although I’m now feeling that mine is more sinister. About 4 weeks to go before my wedding and I spiralled into this sort of phased out wreck. I wasn’t eating, I was drinking every night but on my own and I wouldn’t sit anywhere other than the bench in my garden with my phone to play sad songs on. The number of times I cried out there I can’t remember. A series of dress fittings led to a huge row with my mother, I’d stopped eating and my weight was plummeting meaning 3 alterations, one the night before the big day. Mum wanted to talk about what was wrong, I wanted to bolt, I didn’t want to think or talk about it, not to anyone. Worried friends text and called to ask but I just fobbed them off with ‘I’m just tired’. It wasn’t until a week before the wedding and I was invited to a friends barbeque. My fiance stayed home. I had a lovely evening, although I didn’t eat and drank a fair amount of booze. I found someone to talk to in a very unlikely place. An acquaintance who is a very close friend of a friends brother. He just stopped, looked at me and said, so sincerely, ‘what’s wrong?’ It was around 4am, we were on our own apart from a friend who was too drunk to know he wasn’t fast asleep in his own bed. So it all came out, I realised I was afraid of ‘this being it’ and twinned with my job issues I felt ‘trapped’. He was amazing and he spent 2 hours ‘talking me down’ from the edge, I was ready to call it all off but he made me see that everything would be ok, or so I thought. So we walked around our friends house looking for a couple of spare beds to crash in, it dawned on us that there was only one- a double and we agreed that it would be ok to top and tail, I got in a sleeping bag and he put talk radio on and we drifted off to sleep. The following day he text, asking if I wanted to join him and a few others for BBQ part 2, I’d had such fun the night before I agreed. When it came to bed time for me a few others were up, I excused myself and headed for the same bed as the previous night. About an hour later he came in and asked if he could bunk with me again, I said fine, we were friends right? Nothing sinister here. So he hopped in, asked how I was doing and then gave me a hug. I fell asleep but I was aware of some shuffling around on both parts, we had moved to much more of a snuggling position, I ended up sleeping in the crook of his arm but facing away from him. At some point during the night I woke up to him kissing my neck, and I loved it, he really turned me on, which is awful and it makes me a terrible person. I didn’t resist him at all, I turned to face him and we came millimetres from kissing but then he stopped and said no. I agreed with him that this was a terrible thing and we didn’t talk about it after that. The wedding rolled around and up until an hour before the ceremony I was still feeling a bit wobbly about it all. But when I got in my dress and left the house with my dad it all felt so real and so right, I’ve been with hubby for 8 years, we’re best mates with a great sex life, he is so sweet and caring, he grinds my gears some days but who doesn’t right?! The wedding was incredible, such a fantastic day, we couldn’t have planned it better. The wedding night was a party planned back at our house, we didn’t want the night to end so our closest mates came back with the leftover wine and cake. Hubby was a mess, the boys had made him ‘drink the bar list’. As I was changing out of my dress I heard a clattering noise from the bathroom, hubby had thrown up in the bed and now he’s trying to shower himself with the duvet on. Lol! I spent some time living up to my wifely duties and cleaned him up before putting him back in bed with fresh sheets and pj’s. he was out for the count, I returned downstairs to join the party. Our house is renowned for kitchen parties so it was in full swing, everyone dancing around and singing their hearts out. I popped into the back garden to sit on my bench, have a cigarette and take it all in. It wasn’t long before he joined me, he asked if I was happy and quickly followed it up with ‘you looked very happy today’ I said yes, I did feel very different about the whole thing, the wedding had reassured me. He smiled and I smiled back, we sat silently finishing our cigarettes, a content silence, not an awkward one. We returned to the party and that was it. We jetted off on our honeymoon the following day and the 2 weeks away from it all let me clear my head. On our return we threw another party, this time for hubby’s birthday. It was raucous to say the least, at some point in the evening hubby succumbed to the booze and passed out on the put up bed downstairs, no amount of shaking him would wake him up so I left him there. A small group of closest mates asked if they could crash in our bed, it is massive so I agreed, 3 girls and one lad, no problem. Then he came upstairs, no one else thought anything of it, but he got in next to me and pulled me in to sleep practically cheek to cheek. I felt so comfortable and convinced myself that its fine because my girls were there with me to. Even when hubby came in at around lunchtime no one batted an eyelid, to him there was just a heap of my mates crashed out, arms and legs everywhere. Since then we have regularly ended up in a similar position, we only snuggle up and sleep but there have been several celebrations since the wedding that we have had the opportunity to bed down together, I’m not saying we actively seek it out but it does happen. The latest was last night, he had a work party and invited my husband and I along. We had lovely evening, hubby had to leave at around 10 for work in the morning. I stayed as I had had far too much to drink and a small group wanted to move onto a club. We had a great time, his work friends were welcoming and he looked out for me, even nearly got in a fight because some guy touched my hair. It got to about 5am and we were ready to come home, he was staying at ours because he doesn’t live nearby. As soon as we got into the taxi he pulled me close to him and kissed my forehead, he put his arms around me and I pretty much slept on his chest all the way home. When we got outside of my house he stopped me, he grabbed both of my hands and said that we are just friends and that’s all we can be…that’s cool, I know that! So we let ourselves into the house, it was so late that hubby was due to get up for work, we stumbled into the living room and flopped on the sofa, now this is where I have complete memory loss. Somehow, after falling asleep we got close to each other and things got a little heated, I remember waking up after falling from the sofa, he was on top of me and we were kissing and it was amazing. I don’t remember it starting or finishing but I woke up in my own bed later on- on my own. I didn’t know what had happened and I lay there trying to piece it together in my head, I heard him coming up the stairs, he came into my room and laughed at me for not really making it to bed…I was fully clothed and lying the wrong way on top of the duvet, he came and sat down with me and I really wanted to say something but I couldn’t, yet again we ended up snuggling and sleeping all day pretty much. I realised that he makes me feel safe. We woke up at about 3pm, and had a very prolonged awkward silence because things had changed, we had actually done something, we weren’t innocent any more. I started the conversation. ‘I suppose we need to talk about the thing that were refusing to talk about?’….’siiiiiighhhh…yeah I think we do’ was his reply, then silence again. Cue the start of a very broken and difficult conversation where we agree its wrong, try to talk ourselves into thinking its ok and its not an affair, justify it because he is lonely and not actually agree to any solution. So he left shortly afterwards and I now feel like I am grieving for a relationship, even though we never had one. He regularly stays at our house but I think he will avoid us from now on, it makes me really sad, really really sad. I enjoy his company so much. I miss him already and he’s not really been ‘away’ as such. As for the marriage, the bare bones of it are great, we work, we always did work, I love him with everything that I am. We fight and we fix it, he works too much, and I get over it, he is anti social, I am a bit of a socialite- which is where I stumble I suppose because I get to see ‘him’ on my own. Just to be clear that I have never even looked at another guy this way before, I had been cheated on before and vowed never to put anyone through that. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful house and him…I don’t know what I’m doing or what I want.

  25. Guest Icon Guest
    Meri, Guest @ 4:29 pm

    Thank you all for coming out about this. So nice to see I am not alone. I am a little over two months out and the depression keeps getting worse. I feel further away from my fiance than ever and I keep getting the urge to cancel and not have anyone waste so much money on flights and hotels and I don’t know if it’s cold feet or depression or what but I am feeling wedding stir crazy stress.

  26. Guest Icon Guest
    Mary Downs, Guest @ 5:39 am

    I am 7 weeks off getting married and feel so depressed. My fiance doesn’t really do emotions very well so doesn’t understand, in fact he makes it worse by getting angry about it. He we hadn’t sent the invites out I would be tempted to cancel the wedding, that’s how bad it is, I want to run away but I can’t for practical reasons. Last week we were so loved up, now I feel so miserable and unloved. How do I make him get it?

  27. Guest Icon Guest
    Amanda, Guest @ 6:37 am

    Thank you!!! Today is my wedding day! I had a good cry in my hotel room alone last night, I’ve felt like a crazy person the past few months. Crying out of control thinking the worst thoughts,my chest hurt like when you loose someone close to you, almost like a broken heart. I do hope this ends after my I do. I have an amazing man that loves me just the way I am. I have the best family, ton of friends but my future hubby is my best he calms me down. I guess I just wish I had more time to loose weight and not feel like I should be babysat by Nurse Ratched. I think I’m mad too that everyone keeps saying you are going to be such a beautiful bride and this will be the best day of your life. I doubt it will the whole day is about making everyone else happy, while they ask if they can do anything for you. I’m sounding so negative, but I would rather complain and whine on here then to show anyone I’m not doing well. Thank you for the post and for letting me ramble! Six more hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  28. Member
    sargz123 12 posts, Newbee @ 1:53 pm

    what a relief to see a thread like this!!! And that others feel the same. im 3 months to go till the day and I feel like calling it off and eloping.

    Between bridal party rumbles, step dads and real dad problems, MOB being paranoid, MOH flaked out for the last 9 months I feel lost in the sauce.

    Definitely planning a wedding and counting on people is not what its cracked up to be. I find you get lost in trying to please everyone else and you try your hardest to make other happy but you cant in the end please everyone.

    I have been kicking myself in the butt for placing expectations of what a bridal party is and what that means and ive been thoroughly let down not only by one of my sisters but my moh as well. Its very interesting because im sure when the time comes around for others to tie the knot they will see what it is like and I hope their family and others support them.

    I find with all the negative drama it begins to make you so sad that you question to point of the day and then thoughts lead into the whole idea of marriage and your relationship with that person. I love my fiancée to death but even that doesn’t keep those thoughts out of your head when you begin to get down and out. At the end of the day it doesn’t seem worth all the problems and hidden jealousies and drama when all I want to do is marry the man I love!

    Im so glad he has been there for me and really been that rock the entire time throughout this process where others have failed at it.

    I guess to know that lots of brides deal with pre wedding blues is something to consider and that we are not alone. Planning a wedding and being a bride is a toughy!

    Eloping keeps looks better every day!!!! LOL

    Keep buzzing lil bees!!! <3

  29. Guest Icon Guest
    Brit, Guest @ 12:23 pm

    4 weeks out and I literally feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack or get in the car and drive away and not come back. I’m stressed about planning in part- but I don’t feel like that is it. My fiance is very strong willed, very “logical”- every fight (and they are frequent lately) is about a little thing- but because I am not great with words and often use exaggerated or just inaccurate language, we mostly fight about HOW we fight. When these fights occur, I play into them and react with defensiveness and hurt, I am very sensitive and sometimes passive and he is very abrasive. I feel like every fight is full of criticism from him and labels on my behavior such as “lazy”, “manipulative”, “dishonest”. I struggle with communicating, I struggle with being direct, and YES, I know how aggravating that is if harsh honestly comes naturally to you. I have always had therapy and a great interest in self improvement, during fights I usually begin to realize it is getting out of hand (maybe a little too late) and try to bring it back to calm rational thought. I feel that my fiance wants to turn most fights around so that the issue at hand is on the back burner, and instead the focus becomes how I poorly communicated it to him and therefore I am to blame. This morning was another fight that has left me in tears, wanting to call off the whole wedding because I am not even sure how a man who acts like he does even understands himself or the meaning of love. For the record- he is a very smart and intuitive man who is capable of unbelievable sympathy and understanding and kindness, but when he loses patience, that all goes out the window and the DEBATE is on. This morning I wanted to bring up the fact that I need him to help around the house by picking up after himself- and doing a few chores now and then. I am not a neat freak, and have more time than him so I feel willing to do laundry, pick up etc most of the time, but it is bothersome to me that he just leaves dishes around after I cook for him or leaves things out on the counter when they could easily be put away. I asked him to please start doing those things, and told him I would like us to get into better cleaning habits. His response was to tell me that when I lived alone I never cared about cleaning (that was over a year ago that I lived alone)- and that he was the neat one when he lived alone. I knew I was going to get pissed if I talked about it that way so I told him lets focus on the NOW since we are living together and fix the problem. Still, he persisted with telling me that I don’t care about it being clean, I only care because it is dirty. It is absolutely maddening to me that he uses what i believe is irrelevant logic to respond to me, basically telling me how I think and putting this negative spin on it so that…. I don’t know why. Deflect from responsibility? He would say that he is 100% about taking responsibility, but I feel that his actions and words say he would rather use the oportunity to tell me in a negative way how I am without recognizing the fact that I have evolved and changed since we moved in together and although I tolerate quite a bit of mess, I frequently pick up after him and do not complain. After all, if you want something done then do it yourself. Our fight progressed and I told him that I just want to be able to work together and be more clean, that is isnt about pointing fingers… he then acted very flippant and laughed and said we just need to act like adults and stop being fucking lazy. I dislike this labeling language and this deceptive “flippant” attitude which seems like he is being the better person but really it is just deflecting from meaningful conversation. I became pouty and quiet after because I am becginning to fear that our entire marriage and relationship will be a constant battle where he wants to show me how responsible I am for our problems– and I do not feel any understanding, support or love for my growth knowing that I DO struggle with communication. I just feel constantly criticized, I have been an emotional wreck for like a month and I know this is contributing to his being negative towards me, but it’s become a vicious circle and I am scared that if I don’t see some CHANGE NOW, I will become frighteningly depressed (my self esteem is suffering deeply) or live the nightmare of my wedding— please… someone help. Can communiation breakdowns be repaired… because I feel like im dying inside from lack of support.

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    anonymous, Guest @ 4:26 pm

    I’m getting married in just over three weeks and lately, especially this past week, I’ve felt like crying every day. I love my fiance more than anyone/anything and I can’t wait for us to be married, but I just want to hit up city hall and just elope at this point. I just found out my job is up in the air as of a couple weeks ago, my future MIL seems to care more about herself looking great than anything else, and I just feel overwhelmed. Ever since I got the news that my job was up in the air, all I’ve thought about was what I was contributing to our marriage. My name and my career have been incredibly important to me and we’re paying for our wedding because we want to thank our parents for everything they’ve done. I just feel so incredibly alone. My parents and best friend are about 3,000 miles away and it was comforting to read your post. I think I’m just completely overwhelmed and stressed. I know I’d be happier if I just quit now but with us paying for the wedding, it makes it so difficult of a decision. I feel like I can’t control anything and all I’ve done is plaster a smile on my face and make fake small talk. My moods have become extreme going from incredibly happy to incredibly sad. This past week, I’ve stopped exercising and have been choosing instead to just eat ramen, burgers, and drink excessively. 3 weeks and I don’t even know if I can last that long. I just… I need a break. I think I’m going to take a drama free day where we both just have date night not talking about the wedding, the drama, or anything related to the stressful things in our lives.

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    rowena, Guest @ 12:47 pm

    Wow, I am glad to know that i am not alone. Now, I feel a lot of comfort that there are women out there that are going through what I am going through. It takes courage to open up about it. I can totally relate to you. It wasn’t after i got married that I started to feel sad and lonely. Sometimes i don’t know why i am sad. I really had fun and enjoyed planning my wedding and at the same time it got stressful. I was very grateful to have my husband there to help me get through everything. Our wedding day was perfect and there is nothing that we would change about it. It wasn’t until weeks after I got married that I started to get depressed. I would always have negative thoughts and started to think negative about my wedding. For example, I looked fat and ugly blah blah blah. How could I say that when I had so much fun on my wedding day and nothing went wrong. My husband and I were very satisfied with the outcome. I didn’t know what was going on with me.

    We have been married for two months now. I started to feel something was off and i didn’t know what it was. I started to get more insecure about myself, thinking more negative, felt really lonely, sad for no reason etc. I was contemplating on my life. I was like I am married now “this is it? All the fun is done.” I just felt like there is nothing after marriage. At first, it felt weird being married. I don’t know why I felt that way because before we got married, my husband and I were together for 10 years. We were engaged for 2 years and finally tied the knot. We never lived together until after we got married. So, it shouldn’t be a big change for me.

    Right after our wedding, my husband had to work outer island. We are from O’ahu and he would fly to Lana’i and work there five days a week (he is a construction worker) and comes home on the weekends. We moved to our own place and it was my first time living on my own. Sometimes when I would eat dinner alone, I would cry and feel so depressed. I thought everything would be okay when my husband would come back home on weekends, but I still feel the same….sad, depressed etc.

    Before I read your post, I really felt alone. I wasn’t sure what I was going through. I wasn’t sure if it was normal or common. I have been really depressed since we got married. I love my husband so much and he takes good care of me. I feel bad because I still would get sad and depressed even when he’s home. Btw, he is very loyal and I really trust him so infidelity is not an issue. I started to think that I might have the “marriage blues” just like how you have the “baby blues” after you give birth. So, I was searching online and found articles about pre-nuptial depression. Now, it makes perfect sense. I think I am so overwhelmed with all the changes and the transition in my life. And I totally agreed with what your mother said about changes in life can cause chemical balance to be off.
    I tried talking to my husband about my depression and have been really open to him about it. I did not want to hurt his feelings though he is always there with open arms and at the same time he keeps telling me to toughen up. It is so nice to see that I am not the only one going through this. Just the other day, I broke down crying to my mom. I also started to have anxiety. Even in social situations, I start to get anxiety. It was getting that bad. I finally went to my internal doctor yesterday and she recommended me to see a therapist, but I told her I know that I will be fine and didn’t need one. Only I can help myself. I know this is not a permanent thing and I know I just need to get used to all the changes that had happened to me in the past couple of months. She did prescribed me something for my anxiety.

    I enrolled to the gym with my husband and we would workout together, which is nice. He is helping me lose the weight. I am still dealing with my anxiety. We started to plan to do fun things on the weekends like join a cooking class, go on hikes, redecorate our home etc. We made goals for us as a couple to reach and it helps.

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    Lana, Guest @ 2:08 pm

    Thanks for writing! I’ve been feeling down for about a week now and my wedding is in three weeks. A lot has been done but there is still lots to do. Mostly though, I feel lonely.

    My mom is against the marriage and we used to be very very close. After I got into this relationship she couldn’t let it go, and I noticed that she would just tear me down a lot. My fiancée has never said anything negative about my mom nor does he know anything that is going on. He doesn’t even know her feelings about him. I don’t have very many close friends that I can talk to about how this feels.

    I’m in my 40s, never Been married or lived with anyone. No kids. I’m moving into something completely different. I’m afraid sometimes. I will miss being single, I liked it and had fun! Children should they come are dramatic shifts. Beyond that, just the simple anxiety that comes from major changes wears me out sometimes. And then there is being 40; dealing with hormones, and mortality, and mid life crisis which some people have but others don’t.

    Now, My fiancée is a great man, very caring, sweet, loving. He helps me, he contributes, he is a good guy. I just wish I had someone to talk to, who can understand. Mom would use this to harass me for the rest of my life as to why I shouldn’t have married him, when this is a bigger thing. This is about a major life change. I’m hoping to be able to reach out to some other people too. There are a few I can trust, I hope!

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    Charlotte Rose, Guest @ 10:07 pm

    This thread is balm to my soul.

    Three weeks out from our wedding I find myself for the fourth (fifth? sixth?) night in a row just paralyzed by apathy while my lovely but confused fiancé packs up my apartment because I need to move in but just can’t manage it.

    I too have always prided myself on handling stress well, I love big projects and deadlines…but could not foresee the emotional and relational hailstorm this wedding would be by the end. It definitely feels much more like depression than “bridal stress jitters.” The worst part is the voice of my inner perfectionist saying “it doesn’t matter how you FEEL you need to be getting shit done.”

    Grateful I’m not alone, glad there is a happy light at the end of the tunnel. Yeesh.

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    Anna, Guest @ 4:35 pm

    Wow, although so many have gone through this tough time it’s a kind of comfort to knowing not the only one. With just over 3 weeks to go I feel in a crazy state. So sad, crying all the time. I thought it was just hormones but feels as if the whole wedding is sitting like a big weight on my chest.

    There is no doubt that I love, and want to marry my fiancé but I feel like everything’s just too much. I haven’t lost enough weight, I’m worried the plans won’t come together, that family and friends might not get on and that people will resent me for not living up their expectations.

    I feel I’m asked constantly, or rather told that I must be excited. I truth I am so far from that. I can’t bear the idea of being looked at and judged and scrutinised. I just want to be able to relax and enjoy this time, but feel sad and lonely and worried.

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    Anya, Guest @ 4:28 pm

    I’m going through extreme anxiety and stress, I’m constantly negative and completely out of control. My wedding is in less than a week and my anxiety is getting worse the closer it comes. I love my guy and would have never married anyone else, but I just can’t stop fighting him, and fighting myself to stop feeling like I’m getting trapped and I’m not in control of my life. I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with all of it as all my friends are in a different country and me and my guy have been traveling separately for the last two weeks seeing our respective families, so the only help was mum, and she turned into a controlling mum-of-the bride’zilla. Experiencing some of the hardest time right now but it made it better knowing that I’m not going crazy and feeling bad before your wedding happens. Thank you for posting!

  36. Guest Icon Guest
    Melissa, Guest @ 5:45 pm

    Thank you so much for this post!!!! I have been so down and just plan sad lately. Our wedding is less than 2 months away and this past summer I had too many things going on at once with school, work, and moving so I think my brain just started shutting down and I am now withdrawn. This helps to know that I am not the only one out there. I have starting journaling again on my thoughts and am trying to always focus on the positive in my life.

    Thanks again ????

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