If you’ve met me you know that I’m not a small girl. I’ve never felt like I was life-threateningly overweight, but I’m no supermodel either. Most of my teenage and adult life has been spent hovering anywhere from a size 10 (the smallest I’ve EVER been) to a size 18. I am currently pretty close to the largest I’ve ever been. Which is not only crappy on a personal level, but on a wedding level it’s super-duper awful.
Every bridal magazine is full of pictures of beautiful dresses. Gorgeous concoctions of silk and tulle and organza (I loooove organza). Just about every little girl pictured her wedding dress at some point. I picture myself in a wedding dress at least once a day. I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the challenge. But instead of picturing myself looking beautiful and happy, I mostly just picture myself in tears with a dress that just doesn’t fit. So as you can imagine, I have ZERO desire to go through the dress-shopping process.
The most horrible thing about it all is that I don’t think I suffer from low self-esteem most of the time. I love my curves. They make me feel closer to my Latina background in some ways. But this is more than curvy, and I know that my lifestyle is contributing to it.
I am extremely busy. I know most people say that. In fact, I recently read a great article discussing “busyness” and how our society approaches it. But seriously guys, I am CHRONICALLY busy. Every single moment of most days is scheduled within an inch of its existence. If I am ever without my planner, I will literally have a panic attack. I am the MOST annoying person in the world to make plans with. And with all of my commitments, eating takes a backseat, which results in me doing one of two things: eating total garbage OR eating nothing at all. Turns out neither of these options results in a very healthy body.
For Lent I gave up fast food. I usually lose weight by doing this. This year I’ve managed to replace fast food with equally bad-for-you convenience foods. My body is screaming. I know it sounds like BS, but I just don’t have time to diet. I leave my house at 6:00 AM and I don’t get home until 10:00 PM. I would have to pack a million meals and then have somewhere to keep them refrigerated for HOURS in between meals. That’s just not possible. And I don’t own that much Tupperware! I’m working on solutions. When cheerleading and tennis coaching ended and school was winding down in May, I was hoping I’d be able to focus more on it and start working out again. I hadn’t seen the inside of a gym since maybe November. December at best. I used to work out four to six days a week taking Zumba classes or teaching them. (Yes, I’m certified to do that too!) I desperately dream of being a runner. I’d like to take a spin class. I have a gym membership that allows me to take virtually any fitness class under the sun. BUT I WASN’T GETTING THERE. Soothing voices, happy thoughts. Whew.
The point in all this discussion of weight is this: I KNOW I need to dress shop—like now, like yesterday really—but I just don’t want to. I know I’ll never be model thin. That’s not my goal for my wedding or ever. I’m just not my best version of myself and I want to be. I don’t want to settle for a dress that makes me feel or look less fat than the others—I want to choose the dress I want because I LOVE it. But unless I want to chance buying it off the rack, I don’t have that option. Every wedding checklist in the world says the dress should be ordered six to eight months before the wedding. I know it’s time to start looking. And I will…when the time is right.
Anyone else dread dress shopping?