I’m in Love with My Husband…and Someone Else

My college dating experience was very typical.  While I didn’t sleep around, I dated my fair share of men. When I think back on all of these men, one sticks out in my mind the most: Leo. I only dated him very briefly while I was 18. It was a whirlwind romance, very intense and dramatic. It fizzled out just as quickly as it started. I pined over him for over a year before I met my future husband. Everything about Leo was perfect…he was from a foreign country and had a dreamy accent, he came from a wealthy family, was educated with an amazing career, drove a fast sports car. But more than that, there was a certain je nais se quoi about him.  Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on but nonetheless knew I was very attracted to. I went through stages of thinking I was in love with him, and then subsequently hating him for the way we broke up. (It wasn’t pretty and involved him having a fiancee of his own.)

Fast forward almost eight years, and I was engaged. While I thought of Leo from time to time, I truly was happy with my husband-to-be. Until it happened. Through a series of random events, I ran into Leo (who was then single). About two weeks later, I contacted him and had mentally made the decision that I wanted to have an affair with him. I pursued him. From there on, I would spend my days and weekends wedding planning, and my nights with Leo. My poor husband was none the wiser, and being with Leo made me happy again. My sex life with my husband seemed to stop the second we got engaged…and having someone express physical desire for me again was refreshing. Exhilarating, even. I knew what I was doing was wrong morally, but I didn’t feel bad. I knew if I got caught I wouldn’t be sorry that I did it—I would be sorry that I got caught. Nonetheless, the closer the wedding got, the riskier everything became. I ended it of my own accord and vowed to myself that I would never do this again. Not with anyone, and certainly not with Leo.

To make a very long story short, I’ve been married almost two years and started seeing Leo again about five months ago. I don’t know if what I feel for Leo is lust or love, but I know that I like it. Being with him is intoxicating. However, I feel like I’m constantly trapped in a false existence of my happy married life and my sordid affair with Leo. While my husband and I are not yet trying to conceive, I am not on the pill. We reliably use condoms. With Leo, we’ve never used condoms and he knows I’m not on the pill. More than once I’ve had scares where I thought I was pregnant with his baby. He’s made comments like “We would make attractive children”…which leave me feeling high for days (a reaction I don’t get when my husband says the same thing). I know this all sounds so typical of “daddy issues” and like I clearly must have something wrong with me. But I don’t. Other than this, I’m a very normal citizen. I have a great career and an advanced graduate degree from a respected Ivy League school, I go to church, etc., etc. I’m not sleeping with Leo for attention or validation. I’m not trying to fill some male-attention-deprived void, or repeat what my parents did (neither of them had affairs).

I’ve thought about leaving my husband for Leo, but Leo has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be married for the next five to eight years. Sometimes I think I should leave them both and be by myself, find someone new. Sometimes I fantasize about getting pregnant by Leo and raising the baby with my husband (and not telling him he isn’t the father). According to a study at the University of Washington Center for the Study of Health and Risk Behaviors, 20% of men and 15% of women admitted to newlywed cheating. I clearly can’t be alone in this situation. Was I too young to get married? Did I marry the wrong person? Is Leo my “true” soul mate? These are questions that plague me on a daily basis.

What do you do when you’re in love with your husband, but also someone else? I know what the right thing to do is (get rid of Leo, and keep quiet about this to my husband, as the guilt is my cross to bear), but yet I can’t do it. I can’t seem to give up my secret.

~~~

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  1. Member
    coral99 2079 posts, Buzzing bee @ 7:21 am

    Oooh. I do not like this. And this comes from a former Bee who used to “date” married men! Look, I know you think this is all dramatic and mind blowing but it isn’t love. Love doesn’t do this to other people…You to your Husband, You to Leo, Leo to you…it’s just all around, not going to go well.

    I once read (after I ended the most intense affair of my life) that when it’s true love, it harms no one else.

    Think about that. You may not “love” your husband, but this isn’t love with Leo. Or for yourself.

  2. Guest
    guest, Guest @ 9:37 am

    This post is heartbreaking. I am also baffled by the pity this person is receiving. A one time mistake is one thing, but this seems just cruel and like she has zero regard for anybody but herself. It seems like she is trying to justify this by saying she is a normal person and the statistics back this up. Um.. no.

    ————

    How were you able to plan a wedding as you were having an affair with somebody else? What went through your head when you were saying your vows and hearing your husbands?

    Not using protection with an affair and having pregnancy scares? That is beyond belief. Are you trying to destroy peoples lives for entertainment? Because seriously that is what it sounds like.

    Please tell your husband the truth and let him move on with his life. You owe at least that to him.

  3. Member
    gb520 308 posts, Helper bee @ 6:59 pm

    I thinK,PP have covered this but I feel like you like the excitement of the possibility of being caught. While I do think you have some kind of relationship issue, I don’t think that you want to admit it. Clearly you have complete disregard for others and its not normal or healthy to fantasize about wanting to raise your lovechild as your husband’s. Please do not do this to a poor child. There are enough screwed up children in this world already bc of the selfish acts of their parents. Imagine how devastating it would be to find out, say you hold out the child’s whole and tell them as you are dying…that kid’s whole life is a LIE.

    I think you should have called off the wedding when you saw Leo. We all have old flames that pop into our head on an occasion, however to act,upon that, is not fair to your husband. Reading stuff like this terrifies me. I can’t imagine the hurt your husband would feel like if he found out. Seriously, do you not care about giving him an STD? =/

    I would seek professional help, leave Leo alone and divorce your husband before you shatter his life. I feel like I’m being brutally honest but I am trying to help to resolve this crazy situation.

  4. Member
    duckypduckerson 193 posts, Blushing bee @ 9:45 pm

    I was horrified reading this, only because I’ve been in your husbands shoes. In all honesty I do believe you need to come clean with your husband. It’s not fair that you carry on misleading him day after day. You are knowingly not using condoms with Leo, and then go home carrying who knows what from another girl that he’s sleeping/slept with, passing it along to your husband. In this day in age with HIV/AIDS infecting thousands of people, you could have it…

    There is something lacking within your marriage with your husband, but he doesn’t deserve you so your best chance is to file for a divorce and admit its your own fault, because when the problems started before you two were married you had no desire to fix them.

    As for this infatuation with Leo, he is merely using you for sex, nothing more. In simple terms you are his whore…He willingly has sex with you knowing you are married, uses no condom, and its most likely for thrills. If you were to get pregnant with Leo’s baby he’d probably go MIA, because he seems to have no values of your self worth.

    I’m sorry to be so harsh, the situation isn’t a pretty one, and the only person who is getting satisfaction out of it, is Leo. While you wallow away in doubt over your marriage, the infatuation with Leo, Leo gets free sex whenever he wants it.

    I would suggest you seeing a counselor to help sort everything out. I do wish you the best in figuring out this messy love triangle you have going on. Just remember if the roles were reversed, your husband was doing this with a woman, how would you feel? Think about, sleep on it, something.

  5. Member
    MissStudio 53 posts, Worker bee @ 2:36 am

    To all of us women, this should give you insight to what types of women are out there. There are women who will sleep with YOUR husband, and have NO regrets, and NO respect for the sanctity of marriage, period. You just have to love your husband, and trust he loves you enough to not get taken in by one of these slimy women. As far as the OP, she will get hers ladies, don’t you worry. Leo will dump her, and leave her devastated. If the husband is lucky, he’ll never know and they can get on with their lives, together or separately. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. This is an unfortunate reality in the world in which we live.

  6. Member
    arizonagirl 224 posts, Helper bee @ 10:39 am

    I think you should leave your husband because he deserves better than this situation. I’m sorry that your relationship was not fulfilling your needs and you had to stray. I would NOT confess to your husband, he hasn’t done anything wrong and doesn’t deserve the pain of knowing. I would not stay with Leo either, as it sounds like you two do not want the same things.

    There is a man out there who will stimulate you physically and intellectually. Unfortunately it is neither one of these men.

  7. Member
    lampshade 546 posts, Busy bee @ 4:59 pm

    This is disturbing. How could anyone treat someone else this way?

  8. Member
    skittles131 906 posts, Busy bee @ 6:51 pm

    It sounds like you want it all. And you are being very selfish taking it all at the expense of those you love most.

    Give it up. Let it go. It’s not fair to anyone, even Leo.

    Don’t try to normalize your behavior. Even if some people do it, that does not justify you doing it. Some people commit murder…would you use that to justify your act of murder? Surely not.

    I think you know the right thing to do, you just don’t want to do it. Do it anyway. Cut it off. Come clean. Those you love deserve that at the very least.

  9. Member
    anna-mariebrickhousetobe 705 posts, Busy bee @ 6:54 pm

    You need a divorce asap, and Leo will never be what you want him to be!! he just wants to screw you no commitment

  10. Guest
    guest, Guest @ 7:27 am

    I really hope OP responds to this… I’m very curious if the responses were in any way eye opening.

  11. Member
    PBnJ 13 posts, Newbee @ 12:11 pm

    All my thoughts have been echoed previously. You are very selfish. There are so many screaming issues with what you have posted, please get to counseling immediately and tell your poor husband what is happening. And if you don’t have the guts to tell him, I hope he finds out and exposes you for the cheater you are. Preferably before he comes down with some STD that you gave him thanks to your side-job with Leo, who by the way, is also a selfish jerk because he knows you are married. And PS, being an Ivy League graduate and going to church doesn’t make you a normal, or even a good person. Give your head a shake.

  12. Member
    lovemelovemyhorses 1362 posts, Bumble bee @ 7:08 am

    What the fuck?! How could you do any of that to someone? You sound like a raging sociopath. While you’re screwing your lover without a condom, risking pregnancies and your husband’s health, have you stopped to think about how you’d like it if he was cheating on you?

    Seriously. Leave your poor innocent husband, then either learn to keep it in your pants or find someone who wants an open relationship. Also, seek professional help for your narcissism, mmmk?

  13. Member
    Mrs. Daffodil 598 posts, Busy bee @ 5:15 pm

    Please know that I am writing this without any judgment or condemnation. If you really do love your husband, the right thing to do isn’t just to “get rid of Leo and keep quiet” – it is to be honest with yourself and with your husband. That is by far the most loving thing you can do, even if it hurts him. If you are not ready to, it may be worth seeing a individual therapist to help process through some of your emotions and understand whether you want to stay in your marriage. Our lives are too short to be living a lie. You owe it to yourself to be true to yourself.

    Wishing you all the best. I sincerely pray that you get the support and wisdom you need to work through your heart and to make the decisions you need.

  14. Guest
    Maria, Guest @ 7:12 am

    @Lauren: I actually think the comments would have been worse if this was a man’s confession on a website that mainly women use.

  15. Guest
    Rose, Guest @ 2:20 pm

    First off, I would like to say that I wish that people on here would not be so cruel and degrading to others. Especially to the person who posted this, who is revealing her deepest, darkest secret – that’s not something easy to do. I am certain that she did not come here looking for all of your judgement.

    Like most of you, I am 100% against cheating, but she knows that what she is doing is wrong – she doesn’t need you to throw it in her face… I will never understand why women are so demeaning to each other. If you have nothing but rude and derogatory things to say, keep it to yourself. This woman obviously does not need added stress from you people who do not even know her, or her entire story.

    So, to the person who posted this… You are obviously in a very, very tough spot. Making a decision between two things you love is never easy, and it often seems as though there is no right answer. I think you need to seriously consider your feelings for these two men. Do you TRULY love them both? Would you be happy with your husband if Leo moved away, or found another woman? Would you be happy with Leo if your husband left you? Or would you be happier alone? I know that it is often exciting for people to be in situations like this because you’re getting the best of both worlds, and you’re not getting caught. Maybe you feel this way, maybe you don’t – I am not one to say how you feel. However, I do know that all lies WILL come out eventually. The longer things like this go on, the more you lose track of, especially if you allow it to consume you. One tiny slip up, can lead to your husband finding out, or someone who will tell your husband finding out. When the cat finally comes out of the bag, it won’t be pretty, and you will most likely feel terribly about what you’ve been doing. (I am not trying to scare you, but my best friend’s mother was in a very similar situation to you, and when her father eventually found out, he killed himself). If something like that happened, you would live with lifelong regret, and it’s just not worth it. It is always better to come clean up front, than to let your husband find out for himself, or from someone else – if he does, it will cause so much more hurt and damage. I am not going to tell you what to do, but I do think that continuing on with what you are doing now will get you into a world of trouble. Please be safe, and considerate of your husband. Maybe put yourself in his shoes and think of how you might feel if you were being faithful to him, and he was doing this to you?

    I hope you figure your situation out soon, and it works out as best as possible. Good luck, and don’t listen to the rude comments!

    xoxo

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