This morning I was checking out the weather. With less than 10 days to go I can start to get an idea of what the weather will be like the day of my wedding. I don’t want rain, I don’t want sun—I want cloud. Ideal would be blue skies and one singular cloud covering the sun so I’m not squinting in my pictures, but I don’t think the weather really works like that.
I’m waving back to past-self at 7:00 AM this morning. When weather was the thing I was worried about the most. She has no idea.
I’ve just had a phone call from my mother. My grandma is in hospital. She’s had a stroke. She’s unconscious. I don’t really know much else.
I briefly mentioned in this post that my grandma wasn’t coming to our wedding. She lives 300 miles away and she just couldn’t make the five-hour journey. But despite knowing that she wasn’t 100%, we definitely weren’t expecting this.
I don’t really know why I’ve come to write a mere two hours after finding out the news. Maybe it’s because whenever I try and speak words don’t come out and so instead I’m letting my fingers do all the talking.
I called Jack and after I told him all I could say was “My parents probably won’t be here to set up on Friday. Do you think you can get the day off work?” And then I cried for saying such a thing. How can I possibly be thinking about our wedding when this is happening right now?
Except I have to. “The show must go on,” or so they say. My wedding takes priority, my parents say, and so we must get over the shock and carry on regardless.
But that’s what they say about people whose family members have died. Like, they have to carry on with life. But how on earth do you leave someone in hospital and go off and have a happy wedding? And if you do, how do you do it without feeling like a total heartless bitch?
“Don’t feel guilty!” everyone will say. “It’s what she would have wanted!” they all echo. “Go and have a good time—there’s nothing you can do about it!”
I just…don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll feel. But right now I do feel guilty. And if I tell myself not to feel guilty, and think of selfish things, then I feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
And then comes the question—how am I supposed to enjoy a three-week honeymoon in The Happiest Place on Earth? And if I do enjoy myself, will I feel bad about it? In case something happens whilst I’m away and I was laughing and smiling and enjoying Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey? My choice will either be to feel bad whilst I’m away, or bad when I come back. It’s a no-win situation.
The only thing that makes me feel better not so horrific about this is knowing that I’m not the only person this has happened to. I have just been searching the ’Bee and found loads of blog posts and board topics about other girls who have gone through the exact same thing. And girls who have gone through worse.
I guess I just need some positive thoughts.
Let it rain for all care. Let it rain.