Guilt

This morning I was checking out the weather. With less than 10 days to go I can start to get an idea of what the weather will be like the day of my wedding. I don’t want rain, I don’t want sun—I want cloud. Ideal would be blue skies and one singular cloud covering the sun so I’m not squinting in my pictures, but I don’t think the weather really works like that.

I’m waving back to past-self at 7:00 AM this morning. When weather was the thing I was worried about the most. She has no idea.

I’ve just had a phone call from my mother. My grandma is in hospital. She’s had a stroke. She’s unconscious. I don’t really know much else.

I briefly mentioned in this post that my grandma wasn’t coming to our wedding. She lives 300 miles away and she just couldn’t make the five-hour journey. But despite knowing that she wasn’t 100%, we definitely weren’t expecting this.

I don’t really know why I’ve come to write a mere two hours after finding out the news. Maybe it’s because whenever I try and speak words don’t come out and so instead I’m letting my fingers do all the talking.

I called Jack and after I told him all I could say was “My parents probably won’t be here to set up on Friday. Do you think you can get the day off work?” And then I cried for saying such a thing. How can I possibly be thinking about our wedding when this is happening right now?

Except I have to. “The show must go on,” or so they say. My wedding takes priority, my parents say, and so we must get over the shock and carry on regardless.

But that’s what they say about people whose family members have died. Like, they have to carry on with life. But how on earth do you leave someone in hospital and go off and have a happy wedding? And if you do, how do you do it without feeling like a total heartless bitch?

“Don’t feel guilty!” everyone will say. “It’s what she would have wanted!” they all echo. “Go and have a good time—there’s nothing you can do about it!”

I just…don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll feel. But right now I do feel guilty. And if I tell myself not to feel guilty, and think of selfish things, then I feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

And then comes the question—how am I supposed to enjoy a three-week honeymoon in The Happiest Place on Earth? And if I do enjoy myself, will I feel bad about it? In case something happens whilst I’m away and I was laughing and smiling and enjoying Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey? My choice will either be to feel bad whilst I’m away, or bad when I come back. It’s a no-win situation.

The only thing that makes me feel better not so horrific about this is knowing that I’m not the only person this has happened to. I have just been searching the ‘Bee and found loads of blog posts and board topics about other girls who have gone through the exact same thing. And girls who have gone through worse.

I guess I just need some positive thoughts.

Let it rain for all care. Let it rain.

BLOGGER

Mrs. Jackrabbit

Location:
Brighton, UK
Wedding Date:
September 2013
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comments

  1. Member
    Mrs. Waterfall 1311 posts, Bumble bee @ 11:14 am

    Oh, Miss Jackrabbit,
    I am so truly sorry that you have to go through this so close to your wedding. Please know that I’m sending you lots of love from across the pond and praying for your grandmother and your family. It’s not much, but it’s the best I can do.
    Hugs!

  2. Member
    cosmo_gmr 946 posts, Busy bee @ 11:24 am

    Oh no! I hope your grandmother get well soon! Maybe she’ll be ok by the time your wedding day arrives, let’s be positive!

    Sending you a load of good thoughts and prayers all the way from Bolivia. Hug!

  3. Guest
    dcgirl655, Guest @ 11:35 am

    I am so sorry that this is happening!! I had something similar happen with my grandma very close to mind, and it was rough, but we carried on. And, she’s okay now! Love and hugs to you and your family.

  4. Member
    Mrs. Treasure 1641 posts, Bumble bee @ 11:36 am

    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother, and while I don’t know her, I’ll be that if she was conscious, she’d be telling everyone to go have a wonderful time at your wedding and sending her love across the miles. I hope that she will recover and that you can spend lots of time with her going through your wedding photos and telling every single detail of the day.

  5. Member
    skinnypinkmartini 299 posts, Helper bee @ 11:42 am

    I’m so sorry to hear your grandma is not well. I hope this is just a “false alarm” and that she recovers soon and she is well.
    And lots of love and hugs to you, too.

  6. Member
    MsGinkgo 5465 posts, Bee Keeper @ 12:29 pm

    So sorry to hear about your grandmother. Wishing her a quick recovery. My grandfather, who will be 99 on October 14th, had a stroke in early may. We really didn’t think he would make it – they’re now talking about letting him go back to his house, where he lived alone up until the stroke. 10 days is a long time and a lot can change. Think happy thoughts.

  7. Member
    faythe 102 posts, Blushing bee @ 2:19 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother! I pray she has a quick recovery.
    We share the same wedding day! We too, are struggling with a loved one not being able to attend. My fiance’s father has been hospitalized for months and we had hoped he would be able to attend, but sadly with all the set backs he can’t make it. You said that people have to carry on because a family member died, but it’s different when they’re in the hospital while you enjoy your day. I completely agree, this is something I’ve had a hard time with too. We are trying to bring the wedding to him in the hospital by ordering flowers similar to the wedding flowers to be in his room and hopefully he’ll be able to watch through the wonders of facetime.

  8. Member
    Mrs. Pony 9265 posts, Buzzing Beekeeper @ 6:39 pm

    Your family is in my thoughts, so sorry you are dealing with this just days before you wedding.

  9. Guest
    39bride, Guest @ 4:27 am

    So sorry you’re dealing with such sadness at a time you expected joy and celebration. I do have some humble advice to offer…

    It’s not either/or. Life is never 100% what we hope/want (duh!). The sadness is intertwined with the happiness. But something I’ve learned recently is that one doesn’t have to overpower the other. I can’t think of a good analogy/simile, but they’re kind of like hands or fingers intertwined–they coexist without truly changing each other–sometimes you’re in deep pain, and then you find yourself smiling through the tears. And that’s ok. In fact, that’s life. And when life can throw so much pain at us, it’s even more important to celebrate the wonderful moments. SO throw yourself into making that wedding happen as a celebration of all that you and your husband-to-be are–and that includes the impact your grandmother has had on your life. And don’t feel guilty if you start crying when you think you should be happy, or if you forget your grandmother for a moment because the amazing thought of who you are marrying just swept over you in an overwhelming way, or if you have to temporarily shut the door on your worry/feelings in order to do the task at hand. It’s life and it is what it is–all good and bad rolled up together at the best and worst times. And it’s okay if those best and worst happen to occur at the very same moment. Hugs to you!

  10. Member
    Mrs. Rubber Stamps 791 posts, Busy bee @ 6:22 am

    I hope your grandmother recovers soon. My thoughts go out to you, Miss J.

  11. Member
    pixiestix6089 60 posts, Worker bee @ 7:47 am

    Miss Jack Rabbit, I am so terribly sorry! I am sending positive and healing thoughts to you and yours. Ask yourself what you would do differently right now, in this moment, if you weren’t getting married in 10 days. If you can swing it, do it! If not, find something that will make you feel like you are still contributing in some way to the situation. Send flowers, spend some time with your family, have the big ugly cry, whatever helps. Life has a funny way of reminding us of what we can’t control. Even if you weren’t getting married in 10 days, my guess is your grandmother’s illness would be just as devastating, and disruptive (and dare I say it, inconvenient). My point is, its okay to feel that way. Acknowledge the guilt, and then let it go.

  12. Member
    futuremrsdino 73 posts, Worker bee @ 8:07 am

    Sending you loads of love and strength at this time. You are absolutely right to feel how you do and fingers crossed she will be loads better before your wedding day.

  13. Member
    Mrs. Camel 703 posts, Busy bee @ 10:00 am

    Miss Jackrabbit, I wish I knew what to say. I can’t even imagine the insane mix of emotions you and your family and experiencing right now. I will say that I am sending all of my positive thoughts your way. You guys are in my thoughts.

  14. Guest
    MsLiveOak, Guest @ 10:01 am

    Something similar to this happened to a couple I knew a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, we can never predict what is going to happen, and I am sorry you are going through this. They enjoyed their honeymoon, but felt guilty, and everyone told them it’s what their relative had wanted, and it was the truth. I think it’s human to feel the way that you do, and why it’s so important to cherish the good times. Perhaps you can say a prayer for her before, during, or after your ceremony, or perhaps a last minute meeting with a grief counselor/pastor/rabbi/etc. can be arranged? I hope she gets better soon, and grief counseling may help you live in the present moment in the mean time. Thank you for sharing what you are going through with us.

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